27 Dating NOW Basics

Episode 27 is a follow-up from the Midlife Dating 101 Seminar, January 12, 2017. Attraction, Communication rules and progression, Dating in midlife for optimum health (and avoiding pain,) the communion of love and loss, and seven fabulous dating tips that will serve you well!

PREFER to READ? Hit the high points with the notes below:

Attraction: top two are kindness and intelligence. Everyone values these two qualities. Also attractive: playfulness, “youthful” (an energy and optimism about life resulting from a positive midlife transition), good-looking,(someone we consider good looking and would be proud to introduce to our friends, someone interested in you, and that secret “it” something: chemistry.

Behavioral stuff: Confidence, know what they want (in life and in a partner.)responsible for one’s own emotions. In other words, healthy.

How you show up is much more important than where you show up.
Are you showing up wounded?
How about “all together?”
Just hoping he or she will like YOU.

Communication Guidelines:
texting rules:
only positive topics
never argue (about anything!) over texting
don’t rely on it for talking about important things
YES, flirting, probably NOT sexting.

Topics to NOT talk about before you meet in person:
your resume, history, children, past relationships, health challenges EXCEPT things you want to be sure will not be a visible surprise (like being in a wheelchair, for example.)

Once you’ve made an early connection in real life (you’ve met!) someone you want to spend MORE time with:
About past relationships-
only after meeting
only by putting a positive spin on it (talking about what you learned after peace with your own part and an acceptance of the truth of it.)
Can’t be positive? You’re not ready to talk about it.

HOW to know if you are ready to DATE
So many people asked questions about this topic and it’s a GREAT question!

Here’s a healthy guideline for dating again:
Know what are your objectives for dating now? Be very clear on them.
Know what is your long term goal is and ask the right driving question.
Got a crazy dating history? Ask yourself the gentle question: How do I avoid codependency or cheaters etc? Ask the right question for your subconscious to go to work on.

Dealing with our Grief
How do I deal with my grief? Let it go before moving on?

Know how to move through it and not make it worse. Now is a great time to allow the processing of grief to HEAL. Time does not heal all wounds, but engaging the process of healing certainly does.
There are no rules about when you can date. Realize you are going through a process of loss and your heart is mending. It’s not just a matter of time, it’s a functional process.

Even when you’re IN relationship YOU WILL STILL HAVE LOSSES. Learning how to process loss is a human skill. Get some help if you need it.
resources: the blog here. Search for “loss” or “grief”

TIPS:

  1. Remember all of us have busy lives. If you want a relationship, start making time and space in your life for one. Right now the time and space is for dating.
  2. Meet date?  Flip it so you are hoping you like him or her. Find three things you like or respect about this person. That way, your time is never wasted.
  3. It’s all NO until one glorious YES.. and that yes is just the decision you want to spend more time together.
  4. Abandon the job interview format. BOring. You have to talk about your self and you also have to LISTEN.
  5. Get a little activity in. MOVE.
  6. Do something new for both of you!
  7. Remember: it is practice, not perfection. Be gentle with yourself AND all the people you encounter. Kindness matters always.

Good luck in your endeavors. Let me know how it’s going. And if you need support or help with any aspect of this, check out the coaching packages.