make the most of your holidays this year

Holidays…Again

Here we go. The holidays again. If you’re in a relationship, it can feel like major testing time.

And for those of you alone for the holidays, I know that’s its own separate challenge.  Don’t skip this article because if you have tension with ANYONE in your life over the holidays, the process I describe below will help!

(If you’re bumming about being alone, here’s some comfort: You can read another article here  and there’s a podcast episode or two on the topic as well.)

How are your holidays shaping up?

Maybe you’ve been on this ride so many times you almost sleep-walk through them. Or about mid-October you start dreading them and adopt “survival mode.” You want to hibernate and wake up after January 2nd.

Perhaps you just love this time of year and you’re consumed with projects and plans and parties and people. It’s all so yummy for you, it’s one big winter fun fest.

Of course, those are two extremes and you might fall somewhere in the middle. Whatever your take on this time of year, it’s a deal. And it affects everyone. For some relationships, (honestly, this can apply to a love relationship, a child, a sibling relationship) this is a prime time when the same conflicts come up again and again. You could almost script them verbatim.

People make meaning of Holidays

even if the holiday itself means nothing to them. They’re a hot-button of expectation and personal, historical significance. When you and your mate have a sizeable gap in your Bah-humbug score, holidays can feel like a landmine of disappointments and endless, fruitless negotiation and “compromise.”

Holiday conflicts

Do you and your mate have a long-standing seasonal conflict? What are your normal conflict conversations? Is there a recurrent fight? What bugs you about your partner that you just know is going to happen again this year?

And hey, if you’re in a new-ish relationship is there a conflict you’re hoping to AVOID as you head into the season?

Maybe someone else in the family is on your naughty list or you rarely see them and now you’re dreading having to deal with them. Grrrrrrr.

It might seem redundant or superfluous or just painful to actually think about the looming conflicts. But what if preparing for them could help you avoid them all together? Skeptical? Read on.

A new Holiday list

This year, instead of making a wish list or a gift list, indulge me and create a sh*t list. (I can’t think of a better thing to call it! Call it cr*p if you don’t like the word sh*t. Or if you think of something else, leave a comment and let me know!)

Yes, I mean, sit down and actually write the major areas of contention. What do you already know is likely to come up or happen?

Is it that you want him to go help pick out the tree and every year it’s like pulling teeth? Is it that she gets moody before going to spend time with your family? Is it that she zones out and whirls into DO mode while she harps on the kids to get everything in shipshape before guests arrive? Does he always shop at the last minute…like on Christmas Eve day and it just makes you frantic?

Does she expect you to be happy when you show up for yet another boring office party? Does he really expect you to talk to the ridiculous office mates you have nothing in common with? Do you set a budget for spending and then at the last minute, she goes over it or he pastes a hundred dollar bill in cards on the tree for EACH one of the kids?!

Write it all down

It might surprise you that you feel a little resistant to actually doing this. After all, if you write it down does that mean it’s more likely to happen?

Um, no. Writing it down gets it out of your head and out of worry zone where you can actually take a look at it and DO something constructive with it.

You write it down so you can acknowledge that you’re carrying worry and tension around inside you because of the impending doom associated with any areas of contention.

(And I know some of you have things to write down like “hibernate until January 2 while (s)he pressures me to do everything, eat too much, watch Uncle Harry drink like a fish, drop into my winter coma, put on ten pounds, get a cold I can’t shake, try desperately to avoid the same conversation with my mom about my life going nowhere and when am I ever going to…)

It’s not funny.

But when you write it all down and LOOK at it, you might think it’s a little funny, or pathetic, or absurd, or terrible. I don’t know what you’ll think of your own list. This much I do know: you will see patterns emerge.

I’m interested in those patterns. You can get interested in them too. Note them. Is there an underlying drive for control? Do you sincerely think everyone else should just stop their complaining and enjoy it. (“We’re having a family photo taken and you are going to like it!”)

What else do you notice? Are you trying to correct your holiday experience from childhood? Are you trying to recreate it? What else can you learn by seeing your pattern?

Then you can decide what to DO with each reality on the list. And those things are reality if they’ve happened…even once! But if they’ve happened several times, they are a pattern, not just for you but for the other people involved as well.

We’re secretly hoping something will be different this time around. We hope and hope and hope and then DO the same things in our approach and it never changes. Try something new this year.

Allow, Enjoy, Plan for the holidays

For each item on the list, make a decision about it. Your choices are to Allow, Enjoy, or Plan it.

Notice that your options are NOT Avoid, Fix, or Plot your new approach. (Allowing, Enjoying, and Planning for “that thing” to happen are your new approach, by the way.) Read through the examples below:

Allow the holidays

So let’s say your mate goes over budget every single year. Is it really the end of the world that he pastes hundreds into a card for each kid at the last minute? I mean it. Literally, has the world ended because of that? No. Allow it.

You know it’s going to happen again. You know the kids love it. You know it has nothing to do with you; it has to do with your mate. And the kids might also love that there is no tension and no daggers thrown because of something that’s pretty cool for them. This is a thing you can’t control anyway, and all your efforts to do so help you feel powerless, right? But allowing this thing to happen takes the power out of the thing (the area of contention) and it actually gives you power.

You are NOT at the mercy of someone else’s behavior even when it’s patterned behavior. It’s not your job to control it anyway, so you can just allow it or, maybe, sit back and…

Enjoy the holidays

Crazy as it may sound, enjoying Uncle Harry’s over-drinking is possible. I know for some of you that feels like a dangerous stretch for all kinds of reasons associated with substance abuse and expectations in those relationships. But expectations in relationship with Uncle Harry when you know he’s going to drink himself into a near-coma are, well, a waste of energy.

Honestly, I learned this one from my youngest son. He has an uncanny ability to enjoy whatever is happening. And if Uncle Harry is overdrinking, my son is able to sit back and find amusement in the sad, pathetic fact that this happens every year, Uncle Harry says stupid stuff to offend people every year, and Grandma predictably gets her feathers in a dither.

It may be an annual event fit for a sit com or movie, and if it is, I say, why not make plans to enjoy the show? Which brings me to the next option:

Plan the holidays

I don’t mean plan a way to avoid it or fix it or make something else happen. I mean plan for the thing that’s going to happen. Is it that you and your mate are going to bicker over whose fault it is that the gifts are not wrapped and it’s time to open them? Okay. Plan for it.

Is it that Christmas morning he is going to want to sleep in and the kids come to your side of the bed eager to wake you up and it spurs a battle that turns snippy all through your first cup of coffee and until the kids have opened their gifts and have the play Dough and remote control helicopter flying through the family room and then escalate into an argument over what time the car needs to get packed for Grandma’s in order to be there on time? Okay. Plan for it.

Planning for the unpleasant things takes the sting out of them. Then when they happen, you won’t be surprised. In fact, you’ll shift your expectation away from the thing that’s NOT happening. And it will put you in a lovely position to “allow” and ENJOY what does happen.

You might even be able to observe, with a sense of humor… “see, right on time. I knew that was coming.”

How will you Allow, Enjoy, and Plan for your Holidays this year?

Take a minute to comment here and let me know what you are doing to enter into the season? Anything about what I’ve said seem hard or particularly challenging? Leave a comment here or on Facebook and let me know.

I always want to hear how it’s going for you.

And if this was helpful in anyway to you, please share it with a friend…or all your friends. It feels really good to help! Let’s do it together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Communication

Communication Matters

Communication. It’s key. People coming to me for help in their relationships (alone or together) tell me all the time that they

“just need to improve their communication skills.”

Most people strive really hard to do just that.

They work on being kinder and having a softer approach. They work really hard on analyzing correctly so they can get their point across clearly and “be heard.” They gather evidence and examples. They keep an historical record, sometimes verbatim. They submit the hypothetical to their partner “how would you like it if…?” They make appointments to have big talks and get to the bottom of things. Sometimes they even use “date nights” as a time for those big talks. They work really hard to hold it together even when things get tense.

Sound familiar?

Yikes.

Even people who specialize in relationship and couples work often don’t help effectively. They teach people to “attend to listening” or “pay attention” when it’s their partner’s turn to talk. Eye contact. Body language. Turning toward, not away. Leaning in. (No eye-rolling, sighs, or other displays of impatience.) They teach “reflective listening” and hope each person can “issue an empathy statement.”

Huh?

It’s good stuff… if you can do it successfully.

But sometimes it’s so much work.

Especially when, as a listener, you are seething and you already know the next thing your partner is going to say because she’s said it a hundred times and you are being forced to override every cell screaming to get away from this confrontation.You are, after all, in the counselor’s office and you are paying to do this conversation in front of a professional!

Or maybe the words coming out of your man’s mouth feel scathing and you just want to break down and cry but you’re being forced to “hold it together” long enough to be seen as “rational and logical.”

That kind of communication doesn’t truly work.

And by “work” I mean it does not get you what you want: connection, feeling understood, feeling like a team, solution and resolution. That’s why I regularly tell people to stop talking.

Now I don’t mean literally to stop talking entirely. I mean STOP TALKING so much. Stop talking like that. Do something entirely different.

I teach people to use my Clean, Non-blaming Communication (CNBC)™ framework.

It’s nifty. It diffuses huge issues. It’s simple. But not necessarily easy. And it’s usable and useful in so many situations and with all kinds of relationships. I mean that. With kids, bosses, underlings, acquaintances, potential dates, friends, siblings… you name it! Of course, it’s productive and helpful inside relationship!

I love it and I talk about it all the time. That’s because it has changed my life and the lives of so many clients. It grew out of years and years of my own experience, pain, hard work, broken heart, study, research, investigation, trial and error, and finally, complete transformation!

If you’ve signed up for my FREE Coaching Club, you already have a PDF copy of the framework.

Use it. Keep the framework handy because, of course it will feel strange and unnatural at first. It’s very different from what you’ve been doing! You will slip back into the pattern of the The Usual Subtext ™. That’s what’s natural. We’ve been conditioned to use that way of communication and try harder and harder, believing that our efforts have to yield results!

Or, worse, that there is just something wrong with the other person. They’re a bad mate, (we chose the wrong one!) or a bad employee, or bad sales clerk, or aggravating, troubled, difficult son (or daughter.)

We try and try and try and yet, all our efforts fail to get us what we want: cooperation, compliance, respect, connection, empathy, RESULTS!

If you want to learn more about the specifics of how Clean, Non-blaming Communication works, do one of three things:

  1. Sign up for my FREE Coaching Club if you haven’t already. (Under the arrow on the side if you’re on a computer, below here if you’re on a phone or tablet.) You’ll get the PDF plus more info reserved for the Coaching Club and receive Love Letters from me about once a week.
  2. Listen to this episode of my podcast.
  3. Watch the TEDx talk from spring, 2017 in Minneapolis. (I tell a lot of my own story and how CNBC developed.)

Either of the last two will give you a good overview of the framework and insight into WHY it’s time to make a change. Plus, you’ll get some examples of what that might sound like.

Then, jump in and start using it. Try it out and let me know how it’s going. I LOVE, love, love to hear from you! Comment here and let me know how it’s going.

And if this is helpful, share it! We’re interested in helping more people, right?

understanding women podcast episode 3

3 For MEN only: keys to understanding women

Ever wish you could understand women?

Here are some of the secrets of the female psyche revealed! It’s all based on real research, so listen in, guys!

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By the time women are in midlife, sometimes the result can translate as women being closed off to you. Women can feel guarded or scared, or so accomplished and self-assured they don’t need you. They can also be complicated, sophisticated, and “evolved.”  Some are so horny you don’t know what to do with them!

Still feeling compelled to rescue a woman?

Maybe you do have that rescuer mentality still. Some men at this point are TIRED of having to be the pursuer it can be tough figuring out what to make of really aggressive women.

Good news:

There are still good women who do understand how you’re made and want to have great relationships with YOU and men like you!

Triangular Theory of Love

Robert Sternberg’s theory posits three elements of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment from which he defines all types of love. In the middle of this triangle, if everything is balanced, there’s consummate love.

Keys to Understanding Women:

  1. Every woman wants to be indispensible: she wants to occupy a place in your heart and mind and life that no other woman does or has or can…or ever will! She must be special. Essentially, she wants to be that consummate love!

2. Every woman asks these two related underlying questions. She carries them around inside her even when she doesn’t know it. (And she’d like to experience a yes about 80% of the time with you.)

  Do you care about how I feel? And are you willing to do something about it?

The key: be sure you know HOW to give her the YES she needs. This includes resisting the urge to “fix it!” SO:

3. Practice empathy even at the elementary level: correctly identify HER emotions.

4. Be willing to do the “something about it” in the way SHE understands.

Plus the BURNING QUESTION answered!

Notice you’re choosing the same type of woman over and over? Want help figuring out what to adjust in order to have truly happy relationship?

CALL ME. 513-818-2024. Let’s get to work putting your understanding of women into ACTION!

 

 

Grown-up Attraction, what men really think

4 Ladies Only: how attraction works

WARNING: EAR MUFFS FOR LITTLE ONES. (Four-letter word alert AND some talk about sex.) 😉

Ever wonder what a man is really thinking?

Wouldn’t you like to really know how attraction works? Here’s what you need to know about what men are really thinking and, why, for men who actually love women, it may not be at all what you think! Plus, how all the things we’ve been told about being a good woman does NOT get us what we need or want in relationship.

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Burning Question: Having a significant body issue? When is the right time to tell a love interest?

Believe Me:

Men who love women (like us, want us, are not misogynist) like women in a variety of packages. Trust me on this!

If you run into a man who isn’t attracted to your particular package, screw him. He’s not your man. It’s not a popularity contest. You just want your man to be attracted to you, right? You don’t have to be a 9 or a 10 to be happy in love or to love your body.

Attraction factors: what do men (and women) really find attractive?

Kindness, intelligence, playfulness, youthfulness…

someone he considers to be “good-looking”

interested in him! Some women are really resistant to let a man know she’s interested.

and some secret stuff like chemistry, pheromones!

Yes, and emotional maturity!

By age 35, the Good Guys you want to have a relationship with for the long haul and are fit for real relationship want EMOTIONAL Intelligence:

  1. Confidence, meaning relatively healthy self-esteem. Not insecure, not inflated
  2. Know what they want in life, out of
  3. Emotional responsibility. No divas, drama queens, or princesses.
  4. Understand him. For example understand how a man’s sexuality works and accept it!
  5. Communicate without blaming him or making him wrong.

Need help acquiring any of those skills?

Here’s a startling FACT:

Good Guys PREFER “bitchy” women to doormats. If they had to choose, they’d eventually choose a demanding woman over a complete doormat.

Doormats guarantee that a man will never win with you!

In fact, you doing all the work and putting yourself last, sacrificing yourself, acquiescing and giving in or staying quiet at every turn is the absolute wrong thing to do in relationship!

Maybe you’ve actually given yourself away in relationship. Some women swing to the other extreme and give off the “stay away” vibe! Why?

It’s out of a desire to protect ourselves and a “logical” response to hurts, to life! It’s hard to see that the values we were raised with have helped us behave as doormats or bitches.

If you learned the wrong thing, you can change this.

That’s the good news! Everything on the list is a quality you can cultivate and develop and increase your attraction level.

The challenge, bringing yourself into complete balance

so you can have those other alluring qualities: confidence, managing your own emotions, truly understanding men, communicating without blame and making him wrong.

You’re in a position to care about yourself, value yourself, and put yourself FIRST, not last. And ultimately find a sense of balance.

Need help making the adjustments? CALL ME and let’s get together. 513-818-2024.

 

 

 

 

Midlife Love Bytes episode 12 For Men only

12 For MEN again!

Where do you find really good quality women?

This one is for single Good Guys based on the Burning Question: “where do I find all the hot women my own age that I’d actually like to date who are intelligent, kind, and interested in a relationship?”

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I know women in midlife are kind of complicated. Some are so wounded or scared it’s hard to connect. Others are so accomplished and self-assured it can be intimidating. They can give off the vibe that they don’t need you anymore. And women do have more options and interests as they reguvenate in midlife and this can make it hard for you to understand what they really want.

Of course by this time, you are wise enough to spot and avoid the desperate ones fairly easily.

Places to meet quality women:

  1. In a Meetup group
  2. At an art gallery
  3. City sports league or a gym or the YMCA
  4. summer outdoor dances
  5. at the Supermarket at the right time…
  6. Whole Foods wine tasting (or Kroger or other)
  7. Jazz club
  8. yoga class; don’t act creepy
  9. at the library (after work)
  10. special event at the library
  11. at a Fundraiser for a cause
  12. Shakespeare playhouse, theater, plays, concerts
  13. at a park or Nature Preserve or arboretum
  14. Seminar or learning event offered through local school or college
  15. at work (familiarity does breed intimacy)
  16. shop where the kind of women you want to connect with actually shop
  17. tennis lessons
  18. take dance lessons
  19. gardening group (not all women like gardening but some do! Get dirty in the dirt and flirt.)
  20. in a club based on an interest
  21. BONUS! Art and Wine with one or two other men because there are definitely women there with their friends.

The truth about Quality Women

That fantasy about having a room full of eligible, quality  women all hanging out together waiting for you to arrive… It doesn’t exist at this stage in life.

It’s not WHERE you show up, it’s HOW you show up.

  • Are you showing up wounded?
  • Desperate?
  • Does your online profile stink?
  • All-together (no need for a woman…)
  • Showing up just hoping someone will like you?

Women can smell the fear and you can’t fake your healthy approach. Need some support or guidance for your entry or reentry into dating and looking for a mate?

Give me a call and let’s talk about your goals and how we can get you there. 513-818-2024.

communication patterns that hurt relationship

7 Stop TALKING! Make your Communication work for you.

How you talk matters as much as what you say.

Is all that talking doing you any good at all? Wonder why your communication breaks down in your intimate and close relationships? Beth explains it in the podcast episode below.

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Learn how the common text and subtext of so much of human talking makes it hard, if not impossible, to establish and maintain a sense of empathy and closeness. Beth presents her trademarked formula: Clean, Non-Blaming communication or CNBC, explaining how this four-step process helps you strengthen your limbic brain and parasympathetic nervous system. It can shift relationship, invite both participants into responsibility, and does it with respect and value for each.

Overview, Rules, and Demo

This is an overview of the rules, guidelines for the process of talking using CNBC, and a demonstration using a common conflict between people who live together. Not in a relationship? You can use this in ALL kinds of connections and even with friends and your children! Just you getting good at going through the steps will have major benefits! This really does have the power to change the depth and quality of all your relationships. And that is definitely going to change your life.

Want a little support as you experiment and grow?

Give me a call. I’d love to join you in applying this in your own life. 513-818-2024

healthy sexuality midlife love bytes podcast

21 Healthy Sexuality 101

Wondering if you’re experiencing normal sexuality?

Dr. Nazanin Moali, licensed psychologist practicing in southern California talks about the tenets of healthy sexuality, what is at the root of many sexual issues, changes in libido as we age, and knowing when it’s time to get professional help.

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Burning question comes from a 52-year old woman with grown sons in their early 20’s who was suddenly widowed about a year ago. She wants to know how to approach her desire for sex after a long, frequent, satisfying sex life in her marriage. You’ll love what Dr. Naz has to say about this situation. Dr. Naz defines sexual addiction, explores polyamorous connections, and underscores cultural influences.

From a sex-positive perspective,

Dr Naz and Beth explore the tenets of healthy sexuality, this very important aspect of life, love, and relationship.

1. Healthy sexual behavior is not emotionally destructive to the individual or the partner.
2. It’s relational. Participants are engaged emotionally.
3. It’s important to perceive sexuality as an important part of life, not devaluing it or compartmentalizing. It is physical, emotional, spiritual.
4. Discover what is fulfilling to you and your partner and brings you closer together emotionally.

Remember: it might take a while to tune into a new partner and discover what he or she likes and enjoys and create the way you two fit together.

The Good News about Sexuality

Good news: people are capable of engaging in fulfilling sexual behaviors at all ages. What predicts sexual satisfaction later in life is experiences in younger life. There ARE differences in arousal and navigating this honestly in sexual relationship is possible!

More good news: Some say sex life improves immensely with age due to comfort with one’s self.

Underlying cause of many sexual issues:

1. lack of good education
2. unrealistic presentation of sex (heavily influenced by pornography-an idealized representation and misrepresentation of what is attractive and stimulating)
3. imposition of a narrow beauty and body standard.

Time for professional help with sexuality issues?

If it is a problem for you, it’s a good time to reach out for help. Time with a trained professional can ease your mind, give you perspective, and help you understand yourself. That’s just the start of getting you to the goals you have in mind right now. No matter what you’re facing, there are solutions and you are not alone. We can find them together based on your unique make-up.

Ready to talk? Give me a CALL: 513-818-2024 and let’s make a plan for you to enjoy a healthy, whole, positive experience of sexuality.

Resources: The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis and Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch, PhD.
Learn more about Dr. Naz and find her podcast “Sexology” at www.oasis2care.com.