love during Corona

Love during Corona

Love during corona is your relationship under pressure. Lots of it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but wait two weeks.

Hopefully by then, you’ll have seen your therapist (virtually) a time or two AND you will read and DO the stuff that’s actually helpful in order to maintain a healthy, loving connection… or adjust a strained, tense one. (More on that below.)

Maybe you already saw the video on Facebook (follow me there if you don’t already) from last Friday talking about how this time has people responding differently because of the way they’re made and the way they process and move through the world, AND because of their unique core issues.

Stressful times can trigger those core issues very differently for members of a couple. Those responses can highlight differences in a way that doesn’t always feel so great when there’s a very real looming threat like coronavirus. Just when you need one another, tension in relationship can increase. Nothing like a pandemic to tax the strength of any relationship! And if you’ve already got issues, well then, here’s help:

How to Tend to Love during Corona.

1. Make an appointment with a skilled professional.

A skilled relationship expert can help you clarify, communicate, and manage whatever is going on for you…and between the two of you. She knows how each of you is made, how you process, and what tools will work best for you individually and as a couple for facing your exact challenges, especially under pressure.

We got you. We are trained for this. It’s what we do all the time. Call your therapist.

AND if I’m your therapist or you want to see if I will be yours, call ME.

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Secondly, your relationship, even now, needs some space. You’re gonna need some clear communication, some real intimacy, some teamwork, and some space.

2. Plan some alone time.

Don’t wait until one of you is brimming over with irritation or feeling stuffy, smothered, and claustrophobic trapped in your house. We don’t want there to be any “finally erupting in anger.” Don’t wait. Know that you are going to naturally need a break from interaction and intensity and that it’s a good thing.

Also, don’t let those daily irritations pile up. Those sighing expressions, eye rolls, facial masks, and body language all communicate something even if you’re “holding your tongue” so to speak. Be sure ALL your communication is something helpful, kind, and true. (Not just one of those things, either: all three.)

That can be hard when things are getting TRIGGERED for you individually. That brings me to…

3. Tend to your personal issues.

They’re yours. Some of you know really well how to take responsibility for them, to address them, and take care of yourself in a way that helps (and does not hurt) yourself or the relationship.

Some of you need a counselor to help with that. Or you’re currently working with one. Get in for an individual session. In the meantime, do everything you already know to manage your own issues, your own stress, and your own triggers

Is it take a walk? Take three deep breaths? Do some tapping and releasing? Do you need to journal it out? Meditate? Call a friend? Send a letter or email? Work out? Stay in touch with a support group?

Do it.

And if COVID-19 circumstances are challenging, get creative. Of course, reach out virtually. Host an online party. There are lots of online platforms available for that as well.

Don’t have the right workout equipment at home? Lots of workouts available online will have you using alternate equipment for weights, blocks, straps, and other stuff. Improvise. You have amazing flexibility, adaptability, and creativity. Now’s the time to use it.

Got an old addiction, habit, or tendency? I’m not saying this is the time to quit smoking or stop drinking entirely…but it might be. For anyone else tempted to mitigate your stress with alcohol, food, or some other unhealthy obsession, do everything you need to do to stay focused on your overall health. It’s that Gentle, Benevolent Observer part of you getting some exercise and growing bigger even now, in fact, especially now.

4. Make a Schedule

Some routine and structure is good for all of us. If you’re home with kids, they need this. If you’re suddenly working from home, you gotta set some limits on how much you work. More details on upcoming blogs discussing Parenting in the time of Corona and Suddenly Working from Home in the next days.

Especially with your relationship during quarantine, maintain some structure.

Is Wednesday night date night? Keep it. Dream up ways to make it special. Even if you have kids at home, structure this around their sleep, or if they are old enough (and game) let them be your servers at the home restaurant, or let them enjoy their own treat-time downstairs while Mom and Dad are alone together in the dining room, dancing in the living room, or settling in with a movie. (By that time, maybe the young ones can join for the movie…or maybe it’s bedtime for them!)

Is Saturday hiking time? Do it, even if you have to walk closer to home. The two of you can hold hands, you just have to stay 6 feet away from everyone else you meet (or not in your household.)

Let your days be structured. And stick to it.

Don’t let Quarantine disrupt your relationship

You don’t have to let love go sour during Corona. No matter how you do it, don’t waste your quarantine. The two of you are made, move through the world, and process differently. You are each going to face this challenge a little differently.

It really can be a time of greater intimacy, connection, and learning in your relationship. Or it can add to the aggravation, irritation, and ultimately cement a super-unhappy memory.

You got this.

And when you don’t, call. I’m here for you. I’m meeting online with couples and individuals virtually everywhere.

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expert relationship help yields a useful harvest

Expert Relationship Help for the Win

Some clients come to me for expert relationship help feeling already defeated, sensing this is their last-ditch effort.

They’ve tried everything else.

That puzzles me sometimes. Why did they wait so long? How did they let it get this bad?

And yet, I get it. I spent years and years trying real hard, endeavoring to figure it out. Every single book – ALL THE BOOKS- I read them ALL. I was going to fix it: fix myself, fix him, fix the dynamic, fix the family. I could figure this out.

Smart People are the worst for this.

I’m a smartie.

I know you’re a smartie.

And successful. You more-than-survived. You have arrived! You’ve worked real hard. You’ve amassed wealth, achieved a lot, navigated incredible challenges.

Besides that, you take care of business on the regular. You juggle life expertly. And here you are with a very fine resume behind your name. You are smart, dang it, and you. can. figure. this. out.

So you try harder. And most times, the harder you try, the more trouble you get into. (Like quick sand!) Pretty soon there’s so much anger and tension in the relationship on a daily basis, you relent, cry “uncle,” cave, and, feeling defeated, decide to reach out for help.

Or worse, sometimes you determine it’s HIS problem or HER fault, so you send him (or her) in for me to “fix” that problem. (That’s rarely accurate, by the way, never the whole picture, and while individual therapy IS appropriate, helpful, and CAN shift a relationship, it happens best and proves more lasting when two get involved voluntarily.)

Asking for Expert Relationship Help is a WIN

I know I won’t instantly convince you. But it IS a win. It’s what smart people do. They enlist the help of experts to show them what they need to know.

Even in an area they know LOTS about.

You might like investing, but you trust your wealth to experts, right?

You might like numbers and accounting, but you don’t do your own taxes, do you?

(I don’t know, maybe you do. I did mine every year from 1986 up until last year when all the rules and forms started looking insane and complicated. See, I can be stubborn and have trouble trusting too.)

I know excellent athletes who pay a trainer. Why do they do that when they know a lot about their sport?

Because they’re smart, that’s why! They know how to really win!

I thought I was a relationship expert before

After all, I’m made for relationship. I am a woman. I am naturally #heartfirst. (If you don’t know what that means, I write about it in my books, described HERE.) I love and value people and relationship and always have. I’ve been studying and observing and reading, reading, reading for decades.

I wanted credit for all my effort. I also wanted some good results. Yet, there were some things I just could not see or reach on my own.

Finally, exhausted and feeling quite defeated, I enlisted the help of an expert.

Now I know I truly am an expert

And yes, I paid for some of that in my own blood, with pain, sweat, tears, and unnecessary suffering. It was over two decades of “walking heartache.” Talk about learning the hard way!

Then I got real expert help and paid for it in the right kind of blood, sweat, and tears: I extended trust and did what was helpful and quit doing what was biting me in the ass.

Before too long, I went to school and got a couple degrees and started actually helping people. (I continue to learn and grow and develop all the time. That’s why they call this business a practice.)

Do I regret my stubbornness, distrust, and pride?

Oh yeah, baby.

I also love, understand, and forgive myself (which took a while in and of itself) and I’m so grateful to the people who showed me grace and extended their patience along the way.

But it cost us all a whole lot more than it needed to. I DO wish I had spent my time, energy, and money more productively way back when.

I’m just a human, a fellow traveler

Yet this is my thing now for real. It’s my area of expertise. I’ve been in the trenches. I’ve been in the crazy and distress of a painful relationship and I found my way out. But I did not do it all on my own. Not by a long shot.

You don’t have to trust me. You don’t have to let anyone else take a look and tell you what they see.

By golly, you never have to listen to a relationship expert about how you’re contributing, prolonging, and ensuring your very own suffering. But if you’re smart, you just might want to.

There are known and traveled pathways to healing, healthy relationship, and happiness. I’m not the only one who knows them, but I do know them and I’ll help you each step of the way… if you let me.

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