freedom in personal growth through self-acceptance

Personal Growth; it’s human

Personal growth is one of those “given drives” of humanity. You don’t have to work hard at it. And yet, most of us do. (Especially faced with crisis: divorce, break-up, infidelity, death, financial pinch, job change, that extra ten pounds after the holidays STILL not moving after the whole month of January.) We really strive. We work harder. (And sometimes we give up and reach for the chocolate.)

Sure, we get somewhere. We make some progress. Things shift over time. But sometimes that happens despite our efforts and working real hard and not actually because we are giving our attention to the right things. Also, next year or next month we might be on to the next great workout plan or the umpteenth diet. Or talking about the weight or the need to get in shape but doing nothing about it. That too. But it doesn’t need to be that way.

Take for example, a seed, planted in good soil. It just needs light, water, and time. It needs to BE left to grow in that beautiful (and just-right-for-it) environment. It needs to not be scooped up and checked on every day or shouted at to GROW. It does not need to be doused with water every single hour or screamed at to GERMINATE!

Personal growth is like that too.

We grow and change and move all the time.

We were made for personal growth.

And yet many of us stress ourselves to the max trying to make it happen! (Um, I speak from experience…hence, I CAN speak.)

Did you see my quote on FB and Insta: What if working on yourself doesn’t work? Crazy idea, right? And yet, it’s true. Sometimes the harder we push the sweatier we get…but we get no better.

Just like that perfect little seed, which in the right conditions, will germinate, sprout and grow incredibly strong, we humans just need to foster the right conditions for our own growing.

It just takes the right environment.

That does not mean become a hermit. It does not mean you need to cloister yourself away or go to an ashram. You don’t need to meditate more or do more yoga or eliminate monkey mind or lie prostrate and say ten “Hail Marys.” Some of those things, in the right spirit, may indeed bring good effects.

In the spirit of more striving and doing and trying, they do harm.

That does not mean we should clear out all the “low-class friends” and all our substandard stuff, nix our connections with family and break up with the boyfriend!

It doesn’t mean we need to get hypervigilant or legalistic about what we consume or say or see.

It means we stop doing the things that actually accentuate our own suffering.

That means you stop shouting at the sweet little seed of YOU that’s in the already fertile ground of life! Stop demanding with your loud, impatient shouts that you GROW or ARRIVE or FIGURE IT OUT or TRY HARDER.

Dang, that’s so harsh.

Be nice to yourself. Be kind. Be gentle.

Lighten up.

You’re already pretty amazing. Like that tiny little seed, you have all the DNA and information IN YOU already to grow into what you were intended to be!

Anyone know that scripture regarding having the faith of a mustard seed being ALL the faith you need?! It’s kind of like that. It’s ALL already in there.

But we make things harder for ourselves.

Why?

Because, rock bottom, we actually believe we have to DO more and BE more and TRY harder, GIVE more, and STRIVE in order to EARN it…whatever IT is.

But we don’t. You don’t have to DO more. You do enough. You don’t have to be more. You ARE enough. Trying so hard and giving more or proving something or earning it mean nothing. You are on the planet and you are human. You are HERE for heaven’s sake.

And that is enough.

Give yourself a little credit.

Carl Rogers, a founding psychologist once said in his book, On Becoming A Person, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

And you’ve heard my Love Equation (TM) because it is the absolute FOUNDATION of all my work, my practice, my approach to helping, to my life and my movement in the world: Love is to See accurately, Understand (deeply) and Accept unconditionally.

Then and only then can real personal growth happen.

So don’t yell at the tiny seed of you or the germinating you or the sprouting you, the seedling, the juvenile or young adult you. Just enjoy the process. Set the course for where you want to go and then believe that you will get there.

Ask the gentle “how” questions along the way, not the pressing analysis and demanding definition questions “why” and “what.” Then wait. Allow the answer to come. Let the growth and the change you want happen naturally. Because the right conditions for such change…any change you wish to make… truly do begin with seeing yourself accurately, understanding your humanity, and offering yourself unconditional, warm regard.

  1. Gentle up
  2. Believe that you will grow and that you are enough
  3. Decide where you want to end up and then
  4. Reach for the sun in that direction.

You will GROW. And you’ll be surprised; it really is amazing how quickly and easily things change when you aren’t striving so hard.

Need help? I coach people through this all the time. I’d love to hear how it’s going for you and let you know how I can help.

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make behavior change easier woman on bed contemplating behavior change

Behavior Change: why is it so hard?

Behavior change might be on your agenda this time of year. Maybe besides losing the holiday weight, it’d be nice to drop a few additional pounds and get in shape. You’ve been swearing you’ll afford that vacation and this is it! Maybe this is the year to find love or really improve relationship once and for all. You’ve said it before but this truly is the year to pay attention to your health, finances, or relationship!

I know you’re ready and you’ve been trying really hard for the past couple weeks.

Still, some stats tell us only 8% (or up to 18% in the optimistic findings) successfully keep our New Year’s resolutions. If you’ve almost given up already, you’re not alone.

But don’t let the statistics fool you. Humans are highly capable of behavior change. It’s part of what separates us from other life forms.

The way you go about doing it is what sets apart those who manage to transform their lives (er, their bodies, bank accounts, or relationship experience) and those whose movement in the world remains relatively the same year after year, decade after decade.

Successful Behavior Change

It helps to understand some things about the human animal. We were made to conserve energy. Keep that in mind when you decide what and how to change and make it as easy on yourself as possible. You’ll give yourself the best chance of making that change permanent and be more likely to achieve your desired outcome.

Here are three great things to do to make it as easy as possible (and 10x more likely it will stick.)

1. Combine behaviors

Combine an already-habit with a desired one for easy behavior change. For instance, examine what you do automatically that produces a “good” return on your investment. It might be brushing your teeth. Do you automatically brew coffee first thing? Maybe it’s watching your favorite show. Every single one of these things you do “almost without thinking” has a positive return for you (or you wouldn’t have made it a habit in the first place.)

Just so you know, I am not arguing the good in caffeine or TV viewing… or brushing your teeth, for that matter. I’m not arguing anything. The point is to pick something that you do automatically and that you LIKE because it’s pleasurable, easy, or has a good payoff…even as small as liking the feeling of a clean mouth.

Now, marry that to something else beneficial. Maybe you want to drink more water. Or add a daily stretching routine. Maybe you’re trying to add some meditation. Do it while the coffee brews. The stretches don’t have to be long. Even three minutes of meditation makes a difference. Getting hydrated in the am while the coffee brews is a perfect time for that. Meditating while brushing your teeth? I say it’s possible.

And yes, combine a good thing with a less healthy habit: drinking a beer after work for example. If you already drink the beer, adding the additional more healthy behavior will, in fact, still make a significant difference.

2. Small behavior change first

… because small behavior changes last. (See what I did there?)

We all get pretty gung-ho when it comes to behavior changes. And yes, when you get good insight and put action to it, you will see some pay offs that make a difference right away.

But do not underestimate the power of small, incremental changes added over time. These will change your life. And if you combine them with things you already do, you will barely feel the difference.

Don’t believe me? I just committed to contributing an additional 3%…just THREE percent… to my long-term investing. At a super-moderate yield, in ten short years, that 3% alone will net an additional 75 THOUSAND dollars. SEVENTY FIVE THOUSAND BIG ONES. And that’s not even combining it with other investing. That’s JUST the 3% figured alone.

Not a friend of compound interest yet? You need to meet.

I will barely feel that three percent allocation. In fact, I pretty much won’t. It’s being moved from one account draw (where it earns absolutely ZERO) to the other.

Is that the only financial change I’ll make and call it good? No. But I am not all black and white and hot and bothered about this one either. I am not waiting until I have something HUGE to invest. I am not requiring myself to get all my ducks in a row before I start moving small amounts that will make a big difference. Which leads me to this:

3. Conquer all-or-nothing thinking

It never helped anyone. Ever. Honestly.

All-or-nothing thinking just keeps people stuck. It keeps them having the same experience in life and in relationship over and over and over again. It fosters paralysis. And a collasping, “ah just screw it” response when a little snag comes up.

Just change one little thing today. One little thing next week. (Not tomorrow either…give yourself at least a week if not THREE weeks to make a real adjustment.) At the end of the year, that’s 52 (and if you did one every 21 days that’s still SEVENTEEN) additional corrective improvements. That’s a lot of improvements.

It’s not true that you need to figure it all out or make drastic changes or that you can’t move until everything is prepped and ready to go. It’s not that six sessions of marriage or relationship counseling will transform your relationship forever. (There should be some movement in six sessions, and you should gain insight but a lot of that is going to be small, internal, and make the biggest difference implemented in real changes practiced over time.)

Look, we love dramatic transformations. We love rags-to-riches and underdog victories and come-from-behind wins. We love get-rich-quick schemes and fast happy relationships that form and gel into a “happily ever after” in an hour and 43 minutes. That’s all good. These are pretty sweet stories. But they are not common, realistic, and they are not even the whole story.

Gentleness, my friends, is the key to getting over black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking. Just try being gentle and rigid at the same time. You can’t. You CAN, however, be gentle and loving while being firm at the same time.

Gentle is key in Behavior Change

I know some of you think you need to be hard on yourself to get results. You think if you’re not punishing or pushing yourself, you’ll wimp out and cave to the other extreme. That’s the very nature of all-or-nothing thinking and it does not serve you. Not sure what gentleness looks or sounds like?

It’s a good loving, inner cheerleader. One that doesn’t let you off the hook (indulgent or permissive) and doesn’t have you feeling like a piece of crap (harsh and shaming.) It sounds a bit like this: “hmmm, my pants are tight. Back to salads and fruit for lunch and no snacks from the break room. You can do that.” And then when considering the snacks while walking by them says something like, “You’re good. That impulse will pass in a few minutes. Keep walking.”

That gentle voice does not say things like “Holy crap, you’re fat! You deserve to wear tight pants as a reminder to get your ass in gear.” And then, walking by the snacks says “Your damn pants are tight. Don’t even look at those cookies, Fatso. That’s right, keep walking.”

One of those voices is loving and the other is not. Loving always wins in the (short and the) long run. Choose loving, gentle, and firm. No matter what the topic for your desired behavior change, gentleness will serve you. Harshness will just add to you feeling worse. Who wants that?

You can do it.

Real change happens over time when it’s combined with other habits, starts and stays small and incremental, and allows for gentleness in the process. Real change is woven into the fabric of daily life and compounds into transformation over time.

Need help? Of course, I’m here for you. Whether you want help setting incremental, helpful goals, being accountable to someone, understanding how gentleness works in your life and inner dialogue, or finding the right approach to meeting your goals and objectives, I am here to help.

boundaries between people

Good Boundaries – at holiday time and always

When facing time with family, good boundaries will serve you well.

But first, let’s be clear: good boundaries are not “I just can’t take it ANY.MORE!” limits. They’re not demands you hope others will fulfill. They are not cold, hard brick walls.

Good boundaries are more like standards you have that keep YOU peaceful, safe, and at least relatively content.

Good Boundaries in action

Here’s an example: I have a standard that I don’t get yelled at. If, at any time, someone were to start yelling AT me, I would remove myself. Right away.

I don’t yell back and usually I don’t reiterate my standard unless I do it with super-low, measured energy. I just go away from it. Or get off the phone. I leave the room or ask the other person to leave- in that same measured, low-level energy.

I don’t do yelling matches. Period. About anything. Ever.

Those days are gone.

Because I now have standards about what I will and will not have in my life. And yelling AT me is one thing I will not have in my life.

Here’s a thing to remember:

You set a boundary, you get to keep it

Having a boundary and setting it is NOT about the other person, it’s about you. If you set a boundary, then it’s yours. You are the one who gets to tend and maintain the boundary.

You only get to control yourself.

Don’t try to use “boundaries” to control other people. That will never work. Those are actually demands. Those types of boundaries can be manipulative, plus they’re kind of screechy, shrill, and above all, ineffective. (More about this everywhere I’ve written about communication: HERE and HERE. You can check out the podcast episode HERE or search for episode 7 of Midlife Love Bytes anywhere you find your podcasts.)

Don’t be surprised when others push them or cross your good boundary.

They’re new. Like a dog and an electric fence, people need to discover and learn from the boundary. Of course they’re going to get tested.

Don’t get upset when YOUR boundary gets tested.

There’s no need to go to war over them. If the boundary or standard is not negotiable (that is the nature of real boundaries and standards- they are not negotiable) then don’t stand there and negotiate the boundary.

Yes, you can explain your boundary

But do this at a time when it’s not being tested, pushed, or crossed. You can say something like “hey, just so you know, I don’t stay engaged when people yell at me. It doesn’t work for me. I don’t like it. I feel bad and I just don’t tolerate it.”

End of talking. You don’t have to defend the boundary. Or unearth it’s family of origin or ex-spouse origin. If it’s a boundary and it’s your boundary and you mean to live by it, then you don’t really need to explain it or justify it or talk it to death.

That someone understands where the boundary comes from or how it came to be a boundary for you is way less important that YOU having it, being clear on it, and knowing that it’s YOUR boundary.

Assertiveness is different than aggression

Assertiveness comes from a place of strength; aggression comes from an attempt to get more of it. In other words, aggression is a reaction because of lack while assertiveness is just an assertion of that strength.

Assertiveness does not lord it over someone else or tell them what to do. Assertiveness puts the truth out there and then follows up when necessary.

Apply your good standards and boundaries

Heading into the holidays, identify a thing you know you won’t tolerate. Then make a plan for how you will respond to it. Then do it.

That’s all there is to it.

Don’t want to be around your drunk uncle? Make a plan to leave when that threshold gets crossed.

Don’t want to be compared to your brother? Leave the conversation if that happens. Go to a different room.

Tired of the girls doing all the work while the guys watch football? Ask for help. Use Clean, Non-Blaming Communication (TM) or (CNBC). “I feel frustrated. I don’t want to do all the work and clean-up. Can you help with that?” Or assert it as a standard: “I feel miffed. I want to watch football and take a nap.” Then go do it. 😉

Hard to imagine the last scenario?

It could be that’s not an area for a boundary.

Sure, it’s something you feel piqued about and you’ve grown bitter about over years and years and years.

Could be, asserting a boundary about that one is really about changing things up way ahead of the game, or just getting over your irritation.

You gotta pick your battles.

If you’re having trouble identifying what might be true boundaries, (think standard) versus demands or attempts to control, I can help. I can see what might be a blind spot for you. It’s what I do.

Maybe you don’t have any experience asserting a boundary and they come out being pretty aggressive expressions. I know how to help with that too. I love supporting people as they grow stronger.

You could be super frustrated around your previously thwarted attempts with good boundaries. I can help with that.

Let’s get you prepped and set for more peaceful, happier holidays (and life) this year.

Get in here and let’s get started. Give me a call.

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stress less and find more peace, manage stress

Choices and Guilt

Call him an old soul; we do sometimes.

What would you give to be free of shame and guilt? I bet you’ve been on a few guilt trips in your lifetime.

My son, age 22, speaks precise truths that took me 45 years to learn. The hard way. Well, okay, maybe 40 years. And my youngest son helped me learn.

I can’t quote verbatim because his words are more precise. They hold in their brevity more than I can possibly capture. Here’s my best try:

“We only have so much time on the planet. I make choices by asking myself  ‘will this add value to my life or to the life of someone important to me? Will it matter?’ If the answer is no, I don’t waste my time.”

And he does not feel guilty about his choices. That also is a “waste of time.”

HE DOES NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HIS CHOICES. EVER.

He allows that he doesn’t have to make perfect ones, after all. He does not have to never miss out on something. He doesn’t even think that way, in fact. He shows up for his own life and lives it. I know part of this is the way he’s made and it comes easier to him than to some of us.

I love this about him.

I know some of the hard he’s experienced in life encourages such vision. I wouldn’t wish it on others even though he has grown into a fine man (whose frontal lobe probably closed about 4 years ahead of schedule!)

I love this about him too.

Such perspective is rare for his age, but it’s a good one we can learn at any age – even those of us who’ve spent years responding to the pull of shame and the leverage of the guilt trip.

And those of us who have actually repeated such techniques on others can (and will almost naturally) STOP doing this to others when we stop doing it to ourselves.

Magic almost. Miracle, if you prefer.

Health! Ahhhhhh yes.

There’s enormous freedom in living like this. And I’m convinced it doesn’t have to feel like artful tight-rope-walking between self-centered asshole and sappy, people-pleaser doormat. It does get comfortable.

As in, true-nature-comfortable, not zero-conflict-ever-comfortable.

Be encouraged!

Because sometimes there IS fall-out from living like this. At least until other people get used to the change. You’re upsetting relationship status, after all.

And for some of us, this means learning to carry our own pain and to NOT shoulder others’ pain. The good news is our own pain is not going to kill us. It’s only pain.

Everyone else’s pain piled on us might kill us.

It might cost us more than we can afford to pay. It might keep us from being awake for the good. It might cost us our very selves.

Taking responsibility for our own lives, knowing, allowing that our choices will not be perfect is the beginning of healthy relationship.

Far from being selfish, making choices that honor our limits and respects our own values frees others to do the same. Then, when we connect with those we love, it’s a healthy decision and a joyful experience, free from the weight of obligation and guilt.

Saying all this is easier than weathering the weight of guilt the first time you do something different. I realize that.

Still, I know what it’s like both ways. I know which is better. You will get over the guilt when you realize it keeps you trapped. And you will allow the shame to drop away and never attach to you again when you realize how much life and freedom awaits.

Need help getting there? It’s my job. Let’s get started.

 

 

drops of water tears of loss

Grief sucks; this helps

One woman’s Grief Story:

“The other night in my dream, my sister wasn’t dead. She came back into town and had found a way to live with her terminal illness. She had aged in the ten years since I last saw her, but she was obviously healthy.

I couldn’t understand why she had simply gone away to find this cure instead of taking us with her. She left her husband and a daughter too and the husband had since remarried. In fact, he married someone my sister had suggested.

The daughter had been angry about it and still struggled with her relationship with the step-mother. I felt so conflicted after spending years trying to help my niece adjust only to learn my sister had basically abandoned her. And me.

Grief Gets Complicated:

“In the dream, I felt happy to see my sister and very lost. How could she possibly have just gone away and been living elsewhere happily? It was a betrayal, though a soft one, tempered by my relief at seeing her.

I wanted to tell her all the things I’d missed telling her these past ten years, the epiphanies and revelations I had had growing older as a woman, a thing we always thought we’d do together. And yet, it felt hollow thinking that all that time she had, in fact, been a phone call away, not dead and in Heaven or wherever else I’d been telling myself she was all along. She just had not given me her forwarding telephone number.

When I woke up, I felt even worse, remembering she was no where on this earth. We were permanently separated by an impassable chasm, a chasm I didn’t any longer know if I even believed would be bridged after my own death. I carried that empty feeling with me all the rest of that day.

I swear, it has been years since I had one of those dreams where she is alive in it and then I have to wake up and lose her all over again. Every other time I’ve dreamed of her, I’ve been simply happy to see her in the dream. For as far as I’ve come after losing her, I would think these kind of painful things would stop happening.”

This story (used here with permission) highlights some of the realities of bereavement.

Realities of Grief

Even after what seems like a long span of time, the subconscious mind – here at work in the form of a nighttime dream – expresses its anxieties. If you’ve lost someone important, you’ve likely experienced this as well. Even if that loss is through a break-up or divorce.

Dreams, songs, smells, emotional life events…all of these can trigger sadness, longing, and deep melancholy. As in the dream above, they can also trigger more complex emotions: bewilderment, betrayal, or relief tempered by anger and confusion.

It could be that when things like this happen, as my friend experienced, you feel like you “should be further along” or this kind of thing shouldn’t really be happening anymore. You may have expected this kind of thing (and even been told it would happen) during the first year or so after a loss.

But if it has been a significant amount of time since you experienced the loss, this could feel like a senseless intrusion and it might make you wonder if you have “gotten over” the loss.

Helpful Reminders in the Grief Process

Whether you had support when your loss was fresh or you just got through it and it got gradually better, it’s never a bad time to remind yourself of a couple realities that can help you through the grief process.

  1. Grief has many stages that do not occur in a linear fashion. Kubler-Ross’s Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Sadness, and Acceptance don’t just happen once. Perhaps you’ve arrived at acceptance and thought you’d never see or smell or taste any of the other stages ever again. It’s okay. It’s normal.
  2. If you got to a place of Acceptance, you realized this loss was now part of your reality, a portion of your story the facts of which would never be altered. You probably breathed a sigh of relief when you experienced this. If you never have experienced this Acceptance, tell yourself it’s coming. And read on.
  3. Allowing, or letting something be is a technique in Mindfulness that can help with Loss. Briefly described, it happens when one allows pain, unpleasantness, ill-feeling (or good feelings as well!) to wash over one’s consciousness. One sits with the feeling and notices. One experiences how the feeling shifts…and it will. This can be a powerful way to learn that the human experiences of life do not have to wash us under.
  4. If you are past this stage of intensity in your grieving, remember the days when it was worse: when you could not stop crying, when you experienced more sadness than you felt able to handle, perhaps you could barely function. Maybe you were hit with wave after wave of those ill feelings washing over you and it felt like you might drown in them. If you ARE past those days, notice! It isn’t as bad as it once was, is it?
  5. If you are right in the middle of that wave-upon-wave survival, be assured, this will change. It will not stay this intense forever. And keep reading.
  6. If it has stayed too intense, do get some support, whether from a therapist who can give you individual attention and guide you through dealing with your specific experiences, or in a group setting. Being in one or the other does not have to last a long time. Many loss/recovery groups have a specific duration. If you’ve never done this, you will likely be surprised how healing it can be. If any of your feelings seem too big or not safe, get professional help.
  7. If there is a time to take good care of yourself, this is it. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind. Do things that are important and nourishing for you. It is not enough just to pay attention to others – children, perhaps other grieving family members- although many people do this. Care for yourself as a first priority.

The reality is that Grief and Loss sucks big time.

It hurts like no other human experience. And yet, it is a human experience. Many people navigate it and continue to live a rich life. All of us are vulnerable to the tenderness of Loss cycling around again when we least expect it. If you haven’t been able to get this far in your process, maybe now is the time to sit with someone who knows how to help.

I’d love to help you through your grief process.

Call. Email me. Scroll down and leave me a comment.

Just Right for Love

Today, it’s “Ladies, listen up” and “Gents, listen in.” There’s stuff for each of you here.

Guess what, Beauties? You’re perfect for love. Right now. You are not too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too weird, too old, too much, too little, too in-debt, or too broken for love. You’re NOT! You are just right.

Think about it. What is that thing you’re telling yourself you’ll DO before you open your heart to love again?

Lose 20 pounds? Get your children perfectly reared and out on their happy way? Establish a secure retirement? Afford Botox, or microdermabrasion, fix your varicose veins, try laser hair removal, get a make-over, run your first half-marathon, attain top management in your job, save the world?!

Do you tell yourself (and others) you’re too busy to date? Your girlfriends are where it’s at right now. You’ll just focus on your children and grandchildren. All the good men are taken and if they’re not, you’ll believe it when you see it?!

Two things keep us trapped. One is the belief we must meet some ideal just short of perfection or we are going to be rejected and overtaken by younger, thinner, taller, (or more petite) more demure, and cunning women. In short, we must be perfect.

After all, everyone knows a man is comparing the real women in his life to the women in a magazine! (More on this in just a minute.) How pathetic, we think. To get to this age and have men still judge us on beauty and sex appeal and helplessness. It’s hardly fair.

It doesn’t help us like ourselves. Or men for that matter.

Secondly, we have embraced to the fiber, cell, and breath of our being the belief we do not need a man in order to be happy! By God, we are going to do it ourselves! We do not need a man! And we will prove it until our dying breath if we must.

In our weak, tender, lonely moments we think, well, if a truly good man were to prove his worth to us by artfully pursuing us atop his shiny, white steed, maybe, maybe then we’d reconsider. If he did all the right things.

As it is, he doesn’t call when he says he will.

We thought we were the only one he was dating just to find out he was seeing two other women at the same time.

He cleaned off my car windshield without even asking?! What is he trying to say? Does he think I’m a helpless girl and can’t do that myself?

Welp, there’s a good reason he’s divorced, we think aloud. Another creep bites the dust.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are some creeps in mid-life dating. There are absolute rule-out, do-not-consider-for-another-minute-no-matter-how-great-the-sex red flags. And some of us are ignoring these, hoping to reform a 50-some-year-old Boy into a Good Guy.

That does not happen, ladies.

And it’s not our job to fix them. Let’s do let these boys be boys. We’re interested in Real Men, in the Good Guys, right? They exist.

Some of us can’t recognize a Real Man from a Boy.  And that’s not his fault.

Here’s a hint: Boys actually DO expect middle-age women to be in supremo, tip-top physical condition. They ARE still evaluating women based on how good she will make him look. They DO think women should look like the ideal of beauty they’ve been fed. Here’s a newsflash, ladies. These men do not understand relationship yet AND they don’t even really like us. They have issues.

(This is not to say men don’t want us to be attractive, but Real Men who like Real Women actually DO find us naturally alluring and beautiful. In lots of different shapes and sizes and colors. Trust me, there’s a man who will love your female form, I’m sure of it! And, I’ll help you find him.)

Meanwhile, we’ve got our own issues.

We have very good reason for the belief we do not need a man. We’ve been hurt and disappointed, heart-broken and confused by our lack of success in love. We’ve grown up in the era that saw the bra burned and wages stay unequal. We were some of the first women to actually have it all only to watch it crumble when he had sucked all the life out of us or stopped seeing us altogether or cheated and left.

We have very good reason to believe we need to be perfect before we deserve to be loved. We are smart, after all, and this must be the missing piece of the puzzle. It couldn’t possibly be something simpler.

Or could it?

What if the pain inherent in our experience with love and dating were relatively easy to shift? What if it’s just a matter of healing in a few key ways? What if it’s not about trying harder and doing more and being better? Would you invest a little time and energy and money in learning that?

I would.

I did.

But before I found answers, I invested a whole lot of heartache and anger, trial and error. I invested years of my life (and my children’s lives) trying harder to do better and be better and fix everything. Then I found something that actually helped me see and recognize Boys, leave them behind and appreciate wonderful, quality men so I could enjoy good, peaceful love.

It’s my mission to help you find a way to enjoy a healthy love too. No matter where you are right now, I can help you get to relationship with a Good Guy that works.

I know things that will save you pain, time, heartache, anguish, & embarrassment and actually attract a good man capable of loving you well. I’ll share lots of it right here, so follow me and get alerts when I post about this topic.

Don’t wait! Register NOW and come have dinner and drinks; bring the girls and your smart, sassy self! No matter where you are right now in your readiness for Midlife Dating, Mating, and Relating this Girls’ night out is seriously going to be a blast!

Is it time for help?

Only you can determine if now is the time to get professional help (for yourself or a child.) Your doctor, a family member, or a trusted friend might say so. They could be right and it can be helpful to get “outside” feedback from those you trust. Still, we are so accustomed to “doing it ourselves” or feel we “should” be able to handle this or figure it out that this strong belief can muddy a relatively simple decision.

Definitely get help if you or someone in your care is experiencing or expressing suicidal or homicidal thoughts no matter how “serious” you think they are or are not. Definitely get help if you or someone in your care is hurting her/him-self in any manner, no matter how “mild” it seems. Definitely get help if you recognize that you or someone in your care is hurting other people verbally, emotionally, or physically.

That said, sometimes it’s not that clear. After all, there are multiple things to READ and try on the internet or in books that are self-help and promise a cure. And you haven’t yet tried everything! Plus, you’re resourceful, smart, and have gotten this far.

So when is it time?

Any one (or more) of the following over a span of two weeks or more mean it’s worth finding a real, live professional to lend a hand:

  • your situation keeps you awake at night or
  • wakes you up in the middle of the night or
  • is on your mind first thing in the morning
  • your work feels significantly more stressful than normal or
  • you’ve received feedback that your personal life is interfering at work
  • a friend or colleague has tried to end a conversation when you need to talk
  • you don’t take pleasure in things you used to enjoy
  • your children become depressed or anxious
  • your children develop stomach aches or act out at school
  • you’ve been researching solutions on the internet
  • you purchased a self-help book or people are “gifting” them to you
  • people are giving you (solicited and unsolicited) advice about how to manage
  • anything you’re experiencing is uncomfortable enough to make it significant to you
  • you have a question about your specific situation (or a bunch of them)

Life happens to all of us. Loss happens to all of us. Unfortunately, you don’t get a gold star for handling it better than someone else or for NOT asking for help. You also won’t get a gold star for including therapy or coaching as your go-to resource.

You’ll get more than a gold star and you’ll get it sooner.

The rewards of good “therapy” are intrinsic: reversal of symptoms, access to a warm, knowledgeable, and specifically helpful human, validation of your process, skills to manage in the best ways known to man, an ongoing resource for any future disruption.

It can be risky. Growth can be painful. Change is hard. Trust is hard for some of us. Meeting someone new and sharing wounds is hard for nearly everyone. Pain is pain. Grief surely sucks no matter its shape or source.

The way through is not always simple or easy, yet it’s worth trying to find the right trained person.

Your resources of time, energy, and (probably) money are limited, so you want to know you will connect with someone you 1. like  2. trust and 3. know is skilled to help in your situation.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you skip to the perfect connection. (If you didn’t already see this, I’ve provided some quick guidance here with links to a couple other articles.)

I know I’m not the right person for everyone -though I wish I could be- so it’s also not a matter of me just saying, “come here; I can help.” But if you hear me saying that to you, well, then do come here and let’s connect!

Most importantly, if any of the above list fits your situation, then it IS time to find a professional someone to help.