Call him an old soul; we do sometimes.
What would you give to be free of shame and guilt? I bet you’ve been on a few guilt trips in your lifetime.
My son, age 22, speaks precise truths that took me 45 years to learn. The hard way. Well, okay, maybe 40 years. And my youngest son helped me learn.
I can’t quote verbatim because his words are more precise. They hold in their brevity more than I can possibly capture. Here’s my best try:
“We only have so much time on the planet. I make choices by asking myself ‘will this add value to my life or to the life of someone important to me? Will it matter?’ If the answer is no, I don’t waste my time.”
And he does not feel guilty about his choices. That also is a “waste of time.”
HE DOES NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HIS CHOICES. EVER.
He allows that he doesn’t have to make perfect ones, after all. He does not have to never miss out on something. He doesn’t even think that way, in fact. He shows up for his own life and lives it. I know part of this is the way he’s made and it comes easier to him than to some of us.
I love this about him.
I know some of the hard he’s experienced in life encourages such vision. I wouldn’t wish it on others even though he has grown into a fine man (whose frontal lobe probably closed about 4 years ahead of schedule!)
I love this about him too.
Such perspective is rare for his age, but it’s a good one we can learn at any age – even those of us who’ve spent years responding to the pull of shame and the leverage of the guilt trip.
And those of us who have actually repeated such techniques on others can (and will almost naturally) STOP doing this to others when we stop doing it to ourselves.
Magic almost. Miracle, if you prefer.
Health! Ahhhhhh yes.
There’s enormous freedom in living like this. And I’m convinced it doesn’t have to feel like artful tight-rope-walking between self-centered asshole and sappy, people-pleaser doormat. It does get comfortable.
As in, true-nature-comfortable, not zero-conflict-ever-comfortable.
Because sometimes there IS fall-out from living like this. At least until other people get used to the change. You’re upsetting relationship status, after all.
And for some of us, this means learning to carry our own pain and to NOT shoulder others’ pain. The good news is our own pain is not going to kill us. It’s only pain.
Everyone else’s pain piled on us might kill us.
It might cost us more than we can afford to pay. It might keep us from being awake for the good. It might cost us our very selves.
Taking responsibility for our own lives, knowing, allowing that our choices will not be perfect is the beginning of healthy relationship.
Far from being selfish, making choices that honor our limits and respects our own values frees others to do the same. Then, when we connect with those we love, it’s a healthy decision and a joyful experience, free from the weight of obligation and guilt.
Saying all this is easier than weathering the weight of guilt the first time you do something different. I realize that.
Still, I know what it’s like both ways. I know which is better. You will get over the guilt when you realize it keeps you trapped. And you will allow the shame to drop away and never attach to you again when you realize how much life and freedom awaits.
Need help getting there? It’s my job. Let’s get started.