It can be really hard to do your work in relationship when you’re so bothered by someone else NOT doing theirs.
My mother used to say
“you are one hundred percent responsible for your actions and reactions.”
Gosh, I hated my mother sometimes. I rolled my eyes and knew she was right even as a young rascally little girl (with ten siblings!) intent on getting her own way at least some of the time.
It felt unjust to me. I got punished for “acting or reacting.” I got punished for “provoking.” The gist: I got punished.
The weight of being one hundred percent responsible as a child felt scary. Impossible. So burdensome. Too much.
And in fact, it is. There seemed no way to win except to somehow NOT FEEL.
I needed to know a healthy thing to do with my feelings.
Without acknowledgement for the very real thing I was experiencing (aka that feeling I didn’t like) I had no idea what to do with it except stuff it. We were told children should be seen and not heard, unless performing, which I was allowed to do for guests from time to time.
I needed someone in my life to reflect that the thing I was experiencing was real, valid, understandable, human. In short, I needed empathy. I didn’t need anyone to agree that I should feel that way or that I was right to feel that way or that my ensuing desire, hope, or fantasy about how someone else might fix my feeling was justified.
I needed to know I was not wrong or bad or crazy to feel the way I felt.
Instead I got the message not to feel.
It wasn’t common, respected, important, or expedient in my family to have feelings, much less act on them. It was okay to think stuff and do stuff, but talking about feelings… not so much. Displaying a feeling?! Good heavens! Moving an emotion from the rumble of our bodies to actually acting on it with movement or words?! Uh, that’s just not nice. That was punishable by OTHER activity (like running around the barn 20 times) or extra chores. From time to time, the assignment was to “go to your room and THINK about what you’ve done.”
So, we were allowed to “appropriately sublimate” our anger or rage or hurt. We were allowed to think our feelings or run them out or work them out. And occasionally we were allowed to think our feelings.
Makes for some pretty intense resistance to being one hundred percent responsible…
for my own actions and reactions. I think this approach was very well-intended but what I learned was this: I should just get over it. And if that was hard for me I was being “too sensitive.”
Could have been part of the stoic German/Scandanavian culture and mindset so solidly part of my childhood. Could be that additional German/Protestant work ethic.
Of course, I would be doing my own work! Work is what we do.
And that meant all my own emotional and psychic work as well.
I’ve spent my life DOING just that very thing. And leading others into it as well. So, obviously, I agreed with and wrestled with this mandate in big ways.
Sometimes it meant I did TOO MUCH work in relationship.
I carried too much responsibility for the thing that needed fixing. I picked up other people’s work and tried to do their stuff too or, even better, I tried to do their work instead.
That’s a lovely recipe for disastrous results for everyone.
Maybe you can relate.
Now, I don’t know what are your cultural or family-of-origin contributions to this whole puzzle but they MATTER. They make a difference in how you approach this and how comfortable you are with “feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, and doing stuff” versus what you might do as a default: think your feelings, be your thoughts, and act out.
Those early influences also matter in relation to how well you can distinguish your real responsibilities for growth from someone else’s work in relationship.
You might have similar hurdles to mine. Maybe not.
What we know for sure:
We know relationships are healthiest when people are separate and whole individuals deliberately choosing connection.
We know each individual person has human challenges, pretty unique to the way (s)he is made. Lots of these challenges are made worse by the seemingly most-possibly-aggravating pairing of mates in love relationships.
And when that happens, it’s either an invitation to quit or a challenge to rise to the occasion.
Just be sure it’s the right occasion and not just a repeat of familiar, old patterns.
You can’t fix someone else.
And you can’t get someone else or a relationship to fix you. No one else can do your work for you.
Let me say one more thing about this. So often I see people trying to fill the void in their own lives with their primary love relationship. I see people going from relationship to relationship looking for the right person who is going to treat them the way they deserve.
This is a mighty tricky concept because there is a difference between having standards for healthy treatment within a relationship and having expectations that someone else will behave in a way that keeps you comfortable.
News flash: even among quite healthy individuals, you each have your own growth to attend to. You’re not going to get everything you want. And that other person is not going to make you happy, keep you happy, or secure your happiness once and for all.
Life is not a fairytale.
Life is good and love can be good. And you’ve heard me say before that love is not hard, it’s not a lot of work. And I stand by that. But there is no happily ever after. There’s just now.
Love is not a lot of work.
But doing your own work can feel mighty hard and it is still your responsibility. And sometimes doing that work is the most challenging piece of all. Most of us can’t do it all by ourselves. That’s partly because it’s tough to see our way around those common blind spots.
It’s also because it takes real courage to face ourselves, to be vulnerable, to tell the truth and see the truth and then do something truly constructive with the information.
Relationship is good.
We need it. Could be the best relationship you can have with anyone right now is the one with a therapist or coach who has been down the road ahead of you and knows how to gently illuminate the path for you to choose. One thing is sure: that relationship you have with yourself will be stronger for all the work you do that is truly your work to do.
I guarantee that.
And the relationships you have with others will get healthier and healthier the more you can see what is truly your work to do. Fun thing in the whole deal? You’ll be able to stop working so hard at the wrong things and get on with the work that actually makes life better.
It’s not so scary.
Give me a call if you want to talk about how I can support you in the work that matters.