I’m not sure I’ve been more ecstatic than I’m feeling this morning. Life just seems to get better and better and better.
Is this a midlife crisis
or the result of a successful one?
I’ve had A LOT of happy mornings like this one where I get out of bed and think, sometimes say outloud: I love my life! I’m so happy! Life. Is. Good.
Just last night, another mid-lifer and I were discussing how successfully navigating the midlife psychosocial crisis absolutely sets us up for “the best of life for the rest of life.”
(It has become one of the transformation projections I make with my clients. because I’ve seen it happen so many times! Maybe you’ve heard it as a tag line on my podcast.)
An eavesdropping listener asked if I’ve had a midlife crisis. I answered, “yes! Of course. We all have one; some of us just notice it more than others.
The midlife crisis gets a bad rap
for all the examples we first imagine:
a man growing out his hair and mustache, buying a motorcycle, and leaving his wife and children for a young babe.
OR a mom turning into a micro-skirt-wearing cougar and dating her daughter’s boyfriend or leaving the family. Ouch!
Sure, sometimes people do freak out in similar fashion, hence the clichéd stereotype. But like all stereotypes, applying them to everyone or thinking, ah, so that’s a midlife crisis, is just, well, a narrow definition. Not helpful. And not realistic.
Did you know we all have one?
A midlife psychosocial crisis, that is, not the stereotypical one.
We are all programmed to transition from one stage of life: our active, prime adult stage where we have been focused on work, procreating, pair-bonding- do you like those terms for adulting- to the next stage, which has been so expertly named “midlife.” And guess what, the stage can last 15 -25 years by some delineations. (It better, I say. I’m not declaring myself an “elder adult” until I’m 75 at least. But I digress.)
Of course, not everyone has children. Not everyone gets married. But financial survival, decisions and responsibilities regarding work and parenting children as well as navigating intimate relationships…these all occur in the active adult stage.
Then mid-life hits.
We become aware we are literally half way (or more) through our life on the planet and it inspires reflection. (And sometimes panic, sometimes intense panic.)
For some it’s a quick look back. For others that glance is filled with regret. For some, it’s filled with so much unpleasantness, they avoid doing it…for as long as possible.
The psychosocial crisis involves navigating between stagnation (and a fixed mindset) or regeneration (that state of renewal, re-focus, and movement) which will guide the rest of life.
Sometimes people’s unwillingness to process the past and their life so far actually lands them in the stagnation camp. They live out the rest of their days resisting reflection, personal responsibility, and growth forward.
Sometimes people get stuck in the past, fixated on its wounds without processing them and they can’t move forward (and that lands them in the stagnation camp.)
Most people long to go toward health.
That is why they will move toward regeneration: a contemplation of all that has gone on before, a renewal and reconsideration of values, and readjustment based on what one now knows.
After all, we DO know so much more at 50 than we knew at 30. By age 30, most of us had made significant decisions regarding what we would do for work, whether we would parent, who we would love. Then we proceeded to spend the next 15-20 years doing those things. After that amount of time, we realize -in a big way- that we are not going to be on the planet forever so we might want to make the most of the rest of our time here.
We might freak out a little over all the ways we’ve spent our time and energy up to this point. We might have regrets. Or grief.
Or something like that.
Midlife contemplation is inevitable.
All the fallout from a messy midlife contemplation is not inevitable though.
Whether you are the one floating in these rough waters or a loved one who affects you and your life is grappling with it, focused attention to all the aspects of this time of life can be much smoother with a counselor or coach.
But ya gotta find one who knows what she’s doing. 😉
I’m not the only one out there, but of course I’m recommending myself. Call or text me. Send and email. Just connect and let’s get started.
Keep reading to find out what researchers have determined is truly attractive, and what YOU can easily DO NOW to get more of the kind of love, connection, and goodness you really want in love, at work, and in life.
TOO MANY WORDS? Go ahead and skim. But get your key and follow along when we get to the list, smartie!
Here’s how to get the most from this post:
1. Keep reading. I’ll give you information about what is truly attractive (based on years of cross-referenced research, not opinion.)
2. You assess honestly and decide where you want to increase your attractiveness. Don’t shy away from the hardest things. We’re going to DO something about this. (When you get the Attraction Key, you’ll have a chance to specifically measure yourself in each of the ten areas.)
3. Go get your FREE Attraction Key and start unlocking your natural attractiveness. I’ll give you real wisdom on HOW to increase your attraction level by taking practical action one little thing at a time. You get to choose what to use.
4. Get to work trying out the simple adjustments in those areas, one at a time, for just three days at a time and observe what happens! You will get results. It will change things. It’s going to make your life a whole lot better. It just will.
What will happen: Real Attraction makes a Real Difference
You will feel measurably better. Your mood will lift. Your perspective will change. You’ll be more optimistic.
You’ll actually notice (without doing anything to consciously make it happen) that you are getting more done. Things will go more smoothly and when you face a challenge, it won’t seem as big.
You’ll notice others responding to you more positively. You’ll get more connection and attention where you want it and not where you don’t.
Life will BE better. You will be happier. You’ll experience more joy.
You’ll HAVE more of what you want and less of what you don’t.
If you’re not attracting what you want, figuring out how to STOP attracting what you don’t want and START attracting what you really want is KEY.
Grab your KEY now and use it as we go through the list. Or just keep reading to explore the top 10 things great men your age find attractive.
1-5. The top five Attraction Factors to a Great Guy
Men and women the world over reported these two qualities as the top two: kindness and intelligence. I bet that makes perfect sense to you. Don’t worry; intelligence IS something you can enhance. Being the smartest is not necessary. Being aware, interested, and willing to learn are all part of being intelligent.
Men list next playfulness, youthfulness, and being good-looking. That’s whatever he considers to be good-looking. Trust me, the range in that description is a lot wider than you might be thinking. Suffice it to say, it’s best if a woman takes good care of her appearance. This does NOT mean you need to alter your appearance or frame or style. Just take good care of what you’ve got. Grooming. Hygiene. Take the time to make an effort. It matters. (Don’t worry, ladies, we want men to do this too.)
As far as being playful and youthful, these two elements have to do with openness and warmth. Of course, men find this attractive! If you can truly play, it means you feel safe in the world, (or at least you feel safe in the moment) and it’s really attractive. Being youthful is not about looking like a 25-year old. Honestly, it’s not. That youthful approach to life is all about vitality and liveliness; it’s about sparkle and optimism. Think of this as being able to be carefree and light…at least sometimes!
6. Let him know you like him
On top of that, men want a partner who is actually interested in them. Some women have a hard time actually giving men this signal. Inside relationship, they think they shouldn’t have to do it! And when looking for a mate, lots of women think it makes them look desperate. But believe me, there’s a lovely difference. Here’s a tip: men are not good at taking hints. They don’t get subtleties. No one can read minds. Letting him know you’re interested can be just the thing he needs to draw closer to you.
Still, you can be a little subtle about this. You’re not going to give him the vibe you’d be interested in just anyone. It’s a bit of an art. Call it one of the womanly ones.;-)
That’s the top six. Then there’s…
7. The Less Tangible Things…like Confidence
…and those other seemingly less measurable qualities that show up as essential. These fall under the category of emotional maturity and both men and women expect this from other grown ups.
Both men and women find confidence irresistible. Some people think there’s a shortcut to this, but it really can’t be faked. You can read a lot of tips for “faking it until you make it,” yet go that route and sooner or later, the foundation will crumble. The tips in the Attraction Key are all about making this adjustment real and permanent.
In essence, the best guarantee of exuding confidence is a solid, healthy self-esteem, which, simply put, is a position and opinion about oneself that is not superior, not inferior, but balanced. Some people (like me) might call this a healthy self-love. People who truly love and accept themselves, human frailties and all, just ooze confidence.
8. Emotional Responsibility
Men really appreciate it when women take responsibility for their emotions. This doesn’t mean he gets to be callous or disregard your feelings. It simply means you don’t let your emotions get the best of you. You don’t make him responsible for them. Men appreciate it when their mate takes personal responsibility and not just after the fact.
If you find yourself needing to apologize, then doing so without excuses is the way to go. I wish I had time to get into the specifics of a Clean, Non-Blaming Apology (TM). More on that in a future post!
Healthy adults do not find fits of temper or jealous rage attractive. They don’t favor manipulative or controlling behavior. Grown-ups all expect some degree of emotional stability. They also expect personal responsibility. Real admission of real responsibility is so sexy. Let. Me. Tell. YOU! Swoon-worthy for some. Stabilizing and safe for others. Attractive for all.
If you have trouble because your feelings are so big and tough for you to manage, don’t worry, stick with me. I help people in this area all the time. I know it’s an absolutely legitimate challenge. There are reasons you feel the way you do. The key to handling them is NOT about stuffing them or hiding them or being more logical or acting more like a man. Not at all. But more on that will have to wait for another time.
Men say another element of confidence gets expressed when women know what they want in life, what they want out of relationships, and are not afraid of talking about it. We’ll get to communication in a minute, but you can’t skip the internal job of knowing yourself and what you will accept and not accept in life and in relationship.
Think of this as the flip-side to us wanting men to have a passion and purpose in their lives. That’s super hunky and attractive to us, right?
Men really don’t want a doormat, or someone who gives up her identity, passions, interests, and life to become a female counterpart to him. He’s not wanting you to wait around trying to figure out what will please him most. You knowing what you want, who you are, where you’re going, and what kind of life you want to enjoy (including what kind of relationships you want) is super attractive!
If you’ve ever done it, don’t ever give yourself away like that again! You don’t have to and it’s not attractive anyway. It always backfires.
Communication is key! The caveat is that women must express themselves without demanding or blaming someone else, especially the man in front of you. If demand or blame enters, the communication is no longer conveying confidence; it’s shouting insecurity and desperation. (We already talked about how unattractive that is.)
This doesn’t mean that we aren’t human, subject to a flash of insecurity or vulnerability. In fact, that softness and vulnerability is one of the beautiful places where real connection between humans happens!
But communication should NOT be a minefield to navigate on a regular basis. That just gets supremely exhausting for everyone and it will corrode a relationship (and its participants) in a big, fat hurry. No one wants to live like that!
If you don’t know how to communicate without demanding or blaming in those moments when you feel most vulnerable, start with this post all about Communication. It gets into some specifics of how to do that. It’s such an important skill to have!
There you have it. The top ten qualities good men find absolutely irresistible in a woman.
An Inside Job
You can’t change anything outside yourself. You can’t change another person. Don’t even fantasize about changing male sexuality or female emotions. Or anything else for that matter.
You can’t make anyone else do anything.
It’s just not possible to change someone’s feelings or thoughts or behaviors.
You know that, right? Do you really accept it and operate from that knowing and acceptance? Or do you sometimes still try to change and control and influence?
Honestly, I think people continue to try because it seems so much easier to exert all that external energy than to do the inside job.
But the inside job is required when it comes to healthy relationship and long term happiness and well-being. And the inside job is required for authentic attractiveness. The nice thing is…
The Inside Job works and it’s enough.
You can’t fake this stuff. But you can do something about each thing on the list of attractive traits and characteristics.
Kindness is a thing you can practice. You might not be able to be taller or totally drop-dead, movie-star gorgeous (Dang, I was hoping that was suddenly going to change when I turned 50!) but you CAN take good care of yourself and give attention to your appearance and grooming.
You might not be able to change your native IQ, but you can always learn more. It doesn’t have to be book learning either. It can be DOing learning. 😉 You can take care of yourself and play when it’s safe. You can experience more moments of youthful lightness.
Plus, you can definitely raise your Emotional Intelligence Quotient (EQ). Confidence, knowing yourself, and communication, are all qualities and skills you can foster, if you’re willing to do the growing. Get a practical start right now.
More than anything, investing in the Inside Job creates attraction naturally. It’s the kind of attraction that stays with you for life. It’s also the kind of investment in yourself that starts paying off right away.
Let me know how it goes. Whether you grab your Attraction Key or decide to go it alone, leave a comment below and let me know what is one small change YOU are going to make TODAY to raise your attraction level. I love hearing from you!
Here are some of the secrets of the female psyche revealed! It’s all based on real research, so listen in, guys!
By the time women are in midlife, sometimes the result can translate as women being closed off to you. Women can feel guarded or scared, or so accomplished and self-assured they don’t need you. They can also be complicated, sophisticated, and “evolved.” Some are so horny you don’t know what to do with them!
Still feeling compelled to rescue a woman?
Maybe you do have that rescuer mentality still. Some men at this point are TIRED of having to be the pursuer it can be tough figuring out what to make of really aggressive women.
There are still good women who do understand how you’re made and want to have great relationships with YOU and men like you!
Triangular Theory of Love
Robert Sternberg’s theory posits three elements of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment from which he defines all types of love. In the middle of this triangle, if everything is balanced, there’s consummate love.
Keys to Understanding Women:
Every woman wants to be indispensible: she wants to occupy a place in your heart and mind and life that no other woman does or has or can…or ever will! She must be special. Essentially, she wants to be that consummate love!
2. Every woman asks these two related underlying questions. She carries them around inside her even when she doesn’t know it. (And she’d like to experience a yes about 80% of the time with you.)
Do you care about how I feel? And are you willing to do something about it?
The key: be sure you know HOW to give her the YES she needs. This includes resisting the urge to “fix it!” SO:
3. Practice empathy even at the elementary level: correctly identify HER emotions.
4. Be willing to do the “something about it” in the way SHE understands.
Plus the BURNING QUESTION answered!
Notice you’re choosing the same type of woman over and over? Want help figuring out what to adjust in order to have truly happy relationship?
CALL ME. 513-818-2024. Let’s get to work putting your understanding of women into ACTION!
Beth Luwandi LPC outlines how to handle the holidays when you’re single. She goes over tips on how to handle it, how to talk about it and who to talk to about it. Beth gives examples for different ways to make the experience better for yourself including feeling your feelings, telling the truth about those feelings with the right people, and exploring your options. Don’t make it worse for yourself. Beth gives tips on how to avoid the stuff that makes it all worse and how to make it a little better.
SUBSCRIBE for FREE, Rate and Review at ITunes to keep the podcast fresh for others.
Bonuses to being a holiday orphan with someone else’s family:
• No family dynamics investment. (These are not your crazy family. You‘d be amazed how free and fun it can be to experience someone else’s family without being part of it. Believe me, everyone’s family has STUFF.
• Freedom to observe.
• Different experiences/traditions., including maybe some luscious food!
1. Feel your feelings
2. Don’t judge it. Just allow it and observe it.
3. Tell the truth about it to the right trusted person.
How to talk about it:
1. Tell the right person. Avoid those who will say you shouldn’t feel bad. Avoid telling someone who will try to fix the feeling or gloss over it. Choose someone who will empathize with you, not feel sorry for you.
2. Use Beth’s trademarked CNBC communication format:
a. I feel … (3 words only)
b.I want… OR I don’t want… (without using the word “you”)
c. negotiate or not
d. Observe what is the response.
3. Talking with acquaintences
a. tell the truth as much as possible
b. prep some phrases ahead of time
c. remember these are YOUR holidays, not someone else’s
How to make it better:
1. give yourself permission to OWN the holidays for yourself.
2. Do something different if you want. Get creative if you want.
3. Acknowledge the truth of your reality in all the ways you think about it, feel about it and what you decide to DO about it.
4. Look inside yourself to discover what is really going to work for you over the holidays, including changing the expectations YOU have for yourself.
Caution: don’t set deadlines for when you’ll have a mate. If you’ve done this previously, let those declarations drop away gently. Hold that expectation very lightly.
Is it disgusting how early we promote the holidays and plan for them and contemplate them these days?
If you’re once again dreading the stretch from Halloween through March (including another Valentine’s Day) as a single person, you are not alone.
There’s a reason the chill of autumn signals a downturn in mood and an influx into mental health care. And it’s not all about Seasonal Affective Disorder or the lack of light threatening to undo us all.
It’s the space in the bed and the empty table setting and that we are alone on our snowy hike. Again.
And this state feels permanent. (Just as this present moment so often feels permanent.) Therefore, its foreboding is not really a surprise. How to handle it can feel pretty daunting, though. Even when you’ve done this before. Especially, sometimes when you’ve done this many times before or when you used to have a partner and you’re still healing from the heartache.
First, let’s explore what many people do -including the stuff you may have done before- to “get through the season.” Then let’s look at how you can add even more helpful and effective methods to your approach this year.
Maybe you’ve tried some creative approaches
Some singles volunteer to feed the less fortunate. They might head up a Toy drive or another fundraiser or work more at church, synagogue, or temple. (There’s nothing like helping people worse-off than you, or reflecting on the deeper meaning of the season to float your boat long enough to bob through the dark and dreary winter ready to emerge on the other side gasping for the fresh air of springtime.) If it’s still working for you, do it. Do it some more.
Some people skip the holidays. These people either leave town on an alternate escapade or they hang out alone, hibernating away the season, resisting all doses of holiday engagement including the commercials sparkling across TV and our hulu and Netflix channels where we’ve gone to escape the constant reminders that everyone else has a partner but us.
Some of us take up the role of perpetual single among family and friends with a hearty bravado and we prep ready retorts for the time when Auntie May asks again if we’ve met anyone special or Cousin Rudy wonders aloud why we don’t just go out and bag all the single ladies in an effort to mend our broken heart. He would certainly be living it up if he had the chance, after all.
Maybe your family and friends treat you differently
Are you the family single guy or gal who elicits expectation from other family members and friends? Maybe your sister-in-law expects you’ll get the tree, haul everyone to the family gathering twice, and go get Granny from the home, because, you know, well, you don’t have a schedule or anything else to do.
Or maybe your friends are doing the pity dance trying to set you up with Everyone and his brother. Does it feel like it’s just to get you off their hands (and maybe feel a little less bad for you.) Worse yet, are they making plans to introduce you to another Thanksgiving orphan at the festivities?
That alone would be enough to make anyone want to fly to Mexico or otherwise escape the whole season.
You probably know exactly how your season is shaping up. You know the particular challenges you face and exactly why they seem so painful. Maybe this year, facing the coming weeks and months is worse than usual. You know precisely what you’ve tried in the past. You might even know exactly why your approach seems not as effective as it may have once been. You don’t need an analysis.
You need new ideas that truly help
Here are my top three:
Tell a trusted someone just how you’re feeling. Hard stuff often loses much of its impact when we’re able to share it honestly. Choose wisely. You’ll want to pick someone who responds by listening instead of trying to fix things. It’s okay if they don’t do this automatically. You might need to say “I feel bad. I want someone to listen without trying to solve my problem. Can you help with that?” You know which friends or family members will respond in a positive way. And if you don’t know for sure, testing by asking the above question is a really Clean, Non-blaming Communication ™. You might already know who will really listen when you ask them to listen. If you can’t think of anyone you’d take the risk with, consider a therapist or helping professional. It’s what we do. 😉
Make space for the reality. Allow it instead of skirting it. Look it square in the face, sit down with it and go ahead and feel the weight of it. Scared the feeling will linger, take you over, be difficult to escape? That’s okay too. It’s normal to have the fear. In fact, fearing the weight and power of our feelings is one of the things that drives us to avoid them or medicate them with (well, medicine) or food, alcohol, or activity. Honestly, the nature of emotion is that if you allow it and feel it fully (even experiencing it in your body) it will change and drain away. Try it. Worried about emotional overwhelm? Again, seek support from a friend or family member using Clean, Non-blaming Communication ™ like this: “I feel so heavy. I don’t want to get completely overwhelmed with this bad feeling. I want someone to sit with me in it and help me get out of it if it lingers too long. What do you think?” And if there’s no one who can keep you steady like that, pay someone to do it. You’ll be glad you did.
Try something completely new. If you’re harboring a heartache or just facing one more season of holidays in the same old manner, mix it up. Try something different. Do skip the holidays if you haven’t done that before. Stay put if you’ve tried the escapism route before and see what it’s really like to experience every element of what you’re dreading. Start a tradition of your own, different from what you did with your ex or different from what you’ve done with family and friends in the past. Instead of thinking how you can help everyone else, think of what is a great gift to yourself this season. Have you been on the pity pot? Go ahead and see what it feels like to invest time giving to others.
You can do this
You’ve already weathered a good deal of pain and suffering in your current state. You’ve survived this long. And no matter what your path getting here, you did manage to get here, to this place, reading this information. Now, be encouraged. You have skills. You have choices. Implement both to find a way through the season. It just might surprise you how good each one of the days of the holiday season can actually be. Even if only a few of them are lighter than you were first anticipating, you’ll be ahead of where you started.
If you’re still searching for a partner, it might surprise you I’m an advocate for time alone. For singles AND for those IN relationship. If you’re looking for a partner, I still advocate time alone regularly. Either way, I know this can sound like crazy-talk. Read on and find out just what I mean.
Every connection needs the space required to desire dancing back together. We need time in deep intimacy and connection AND away from it. We all need time to miss the other.
We also need time to refocus and reconnect with our selves. Believe it or not, this is good for extroverts too, or those who get energy from being with others. No matter how you’re made and what your current relationship status, I’m talking to you.
In relationship or single and unattached, we all need time for THE most important, longest, guaranteed-to-last relationship we will ever have: the one with SELF.
This relationship is the foundation for all the other ones we have in life, whether you’re aware of it or not. (More good information on the topic here.)
Frankly, I like my alone-time. Sometimes I need to NOT give my time, energy, and attention to a single other human on the planet. I need time to reconnect with myself. Not only am I introverted enough to NEED it, but I like doing what I want when I want, thinking about whatever, while I’m wearing what I want.
For instance, I love thinking who cares if I look frump-city ? If I utterly neglect grooming: no make-up, air-dried crazy hair and mismatched, baggy clothes? Hurray!
More than just being funny, that’s a big deal for me because I spend a lot of energy paying attention to all the visuals I send, create, and receive. It’s great to take a break from that for a minute and shift my awareness elsewhere.
You’ve got your own thing you identify with heavily all the time and you could stand to take a break from that too. I’m sure of it.
I hear your protests.
Not all of us have the luxury of time alone. (Everyone needs me.)
I just can’t afford it. (There’s too much to do.)
Isn’t spending time alone really just selfish? (What will people think?)
I’m not interested in all that woo-woo navel-gazing crap. (Time alone is just for Narcissists and crazies.)
And for some of you, spending time alone without structure, getting acquainted with the real you, scares the shit out of you. After all, who knows what you’ll discover/feel/experience? And, ultimately, what if it’s not pleasant? Dear Heaven, what if it involves pain?!
If that’s you, I’m speaking RIGHT to you! Trust me, it’s okay. You will live. Even if you are grieving (heartbreak, bereavement or OTHER loss,) no need to trust me; trust yourself, you won’t die. Know how I know? For starters, I’ve done it. For one thing, I survived the worst winter of loneliness and you can read about here. I’ve walked through this with many, many clients and they have all discovered their alone time does not actually kill them. That’s great news as you intentionally spend a little time with your self.
Some of you are single and unattached and you still don’t spend much time alone.
Your time is full of other people and their struggles, full of activities, endless movement, cleaning, “book work” and one project after another, the endless answering of demands from all those people who expect, and require, and demand, and want from you. It feels like a vibrant, full life to you. It all makes you feel that you matter.
The prospect of coming home to a dog, cooking for one, and settling into some mind-numbing television is all the alone-time routine you can envision and the thought of that seems pathetic and awful. So you avoid it. At all costs.
Some of you’ve identified that you need it and you’ve taken responsibility for getting it.
I recently had this discussion with a man living squarely in mid-life. He’d been dating, in and out of relationships/entanglements for the past several years and now is just past the first flush of relationship with a woman he actually thinks might be “it.” He can see a future with this one. Still, he realizes he needs his alone-time.
Here’s a story from one woman in Minnesota (and you know that’s where I’m from!) who spent the July Fourth weekend alone. It CAN be pretty awesome!
Another woman I know is freaking out because her husband just retired at age 59 and he is expecting to be able to hang out with her all the time. She wants to continue the freedom of doing her own thing naturally two nights a week while he is out of town on business. He’s not going to be out of town on business anymore and while she loves him deeply, she realizes she is going to have to do some grown-up communicating and negotiation in order to have some time to herself.
Sound familiar? Still scary? Here are some tips for making the most of your time alone.
Get to know yourself as you would get to know any new connection.
You don’t have to spend all your time alone, just think about spending time getting to know yourself like you would in any relationship. And plan to be kind.
Pay attention. Notice what you do, what you like, how you feel.
Check in with your daily, physical habits. Usually these are so thoughtless, we don’t realize we’re being overly demanding with our physical expectations. Or maybe you’ll find you take the couch-potato approach to daily living.
Check in with your emotions. Scary? Just breathe. See if you can notice them and name them. You don’t need to do more with them right now. That’s a great start.
Check in with your physical self. Don’t worry, just because you acknowledge an ache or pain does NOT mean it’s going to get worse. Tired? Sleep. Hungry? Eat. Angry? Breathe.
Seek understanding. Be curious.
Learn about yourself by asking gentle questions like “what’s going on with me that I feel so tense?” That’s one example.
If you don’t know yourself well yet, now is a great time. Read, research, look! Ask yourself, “how am I made?” Your subconscious will go to work answering the question AND you’ll start to uncover evidence all around you.
Enlist the reflective help of a good psychotherapist. Tell him or her directly that you are looking to understand yourself more and you want to know as much as possible what they observe.
Finally, ACCEPT what you find. Love yourself unconditionally, once and for all.
Just notice. You don’t have to be perfect. You get to be human. You don’t even have to be perfectly human, just start.
Go ahead and say out loud the things you like about yourself. You don’t have to tell everyone; just tell yourself. Count your strengths.
Notice some things are harder to accept? Bring these things to a trained psychotherapist and ask directly if she/he will help you see how to shift this stuck spot.
At least part of you knows already that the quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. A seventy five year study at Harvard proves it. Watch the TEDtalk on this. It’s beautiful (and less than 13 minutes.) See. Love Matters.
Most of you suspect that having a loving partnership is central to the whole equation of a good life.
And yet, if you are a heterosexual female, it can be so hard to admit life would be better with a loving man in it.
Ladies! It’s time to get over the message that says “you don’t need a man, baby. After all, you’ve come a long way!”
That is really old propaganda. It served its purpose. We smoked. We felt tough. We took care of everything. We practically became men. Trouble is, that message is a long time dying. And it gets in the way of being open to the right men.
Having healthy love in your life increases health in all areas of your life.
Women have traditionally been given more credit for prizing relationships more. And yet, mid-life women (the entire Erik Erickson span of mid-life up to late middle life including ages 35-75) are actually the ones who may be getting in their own way the most!
Now, of course, to be fair and honest, there are plenty of men messing this whole thing up too. AND, men are less complicated than women. (It’s a fact.) And sometimes, from the perspective of the work I do, straightening men out is easier because of it. Often, one or two tweaks does the trick!
Good men respond well to honesty and emotional maturity. Men who do not respond well to this are, simply, not quite grown up yet. Call them Boys; it fits. They might get there, but age is just a number, not a maturity rating. And this goes for both men and women. Not all women are automatically emotionally mature.
If she’s not, most grown-up men will pass. They’re tired of drama and working hard to please a woman who can’t be and they are not so interested in the chase like they once were. And let’s face it; they don’t have to. Men have plenty to choose from; the ratio increases in their favor as we all age. Men still die earlier than women.
SO, BONUS, MEN! If you survive just a little longer, you will have more age-appropriate mates to choose from!
This is great news for you and maybe a bit of a wake-up call for the other gender!
On the flip side, yes, there are men who are jerks, for whom mere talk of improving relationship is a pariah. They’d never attend a relationship seminar or go to a coach or counselor because they know it’s not them, it’s always everyone else.
So, get smart, ladies and join me in NOT dating them. Don’t have sex with them. Don’t stay in relationship with them.
There ARE scads of men out there who ARE interested in having an emotionally connected and mutually supportive, lasting secure and thrilling partnership. I guarantee it. I meet them all the time!
All of us can get a little stuck. We can struggle for good reason. We can come up against something that just doesn’t work and doesn’t make sense.
By now, you probably realize I am all about helping people understand one another and themselves and then helping them have healthy relationships. It’s what I do!
Call me if consultation or an appointment makes sense for you.
Not ready for that? Stay tuned here; I’ll keep writing about this stuff. Read the archives.
Next time, I am going to answer the directive that says “you need to be alone” and “a relationship will not save you.”