If you’re still searching for a partner, it might surprise you I’m an advocate for time alone. For singles AND for those IN relationship. If you’re looking for a partner, I still advocate time alone regularly. Either way, I know this can sound like crazy-talk. Read on and find out just what I mean.
Every connection needs the space required to desire dancing back together. We need time in deep intimacy and connection AND away from it. We all need time to miss the other.
We also need time to refocus and reconnect with our selves. Believe it or not, this is good for extroverts too, or those who get energy from being with others. No matter how you’re made and what your current relationship status, I’m talking to you.
In relationship or single and unattached, we all need time for THE most important, longest, guaranteed-to-last relationship we will ever have: the one with SELF.
This relationship is the foundation for all the other ones we have in life, whether you’re aware of it or not. (More good information on the topic here.)
Frankly, I like my alone-time. Sometimes I need to NOT give my time, energy, and attention to a single other human on the planet. I need time to reconnect with myself. Not only am I introverted enough to NEED it, but I like doing what I want when I want, thinking about whatever, while I’m wearing what I want.
For instance, I love thinking who cares if I look frump-city ? If I utterly neglect grooming: no make-up, air-dried crazy hair and mismatched, baggy clothes? Hurray!
More than just being funny, that’s a big deal for me because I spend a lot of energy paying attention to all the visuals I send, create, and receive. It’s great to take a break from that for a minute and shift my awareness elsewhere.
You’ve got your own thing you identify with heavily all the time and you could stand to take a break from that too. I’m sure of it.
I hear your protests.
Not all of us have the luxury of time alone. (Everyone needs me.)
I just can’t afford it. (There’s too much to do.)
Isn’t spending time alone really just selfish? (What will people think?)
I’m not interested in all that woo-woo navel-gazing crap. (Time alone is just for Narcissists and crazies.)
And for some of you, spending time alone without structure, getting acquainted with the real you, scares the shit out of you. After all, who knows what you’ll discover/feel/experience? And, ultimately, what if it’s not pleasant? Dear Heaven, what if it involves pain?!
If that’s you, I’m speaking RIGHT to you! Trust me, it’s okay. You will live. Even if you are grieving (heartbreak, bereavement or OTHER loss,) no need to trust me; trust yourself, you won’t die. Know how I know? For starters, I’ve done it. For one thing, I survived the worst winter of loneliness and you can read about here. I’ve walked through this with many, many clients and they have all discovered their alone time does not actually kill them. That’s great news as you intentionally spend a little time with your self.
Some of you are single and unattached and you still don’t spend much time alone.
Your time is full of other people and their struggles, full of activities, endless movement, cleaning, “book work” and one project after another, the endless answering of demands from all those people who expect, and require, and demand, and want from you. It feels like a vibrant, full life to you. It all makes you feel that you matter.
The prospect of coming home to a dog, cooking for one, and settling into some mind-numbing television is all the alone-time routine you can envision and the thought of that seems pathetic and awful. So you avoid it. At all costs.
Some of you’ve identified that you need it and you’ve taken responsibility for getting it.
I recently had this discussion with a man living squarely in mid-life. He’d been dating, in and out of relationships/entanglements for the past several years and now is just past the first flush of relationship with a woman he actually thinks might be “it.” He can see a future with this one. Still, he realizes he needs his alone-time.
Here’s a story from one woman in Minnesota (and you know that’s where I’m from!) who spent the July Fourth weekend alone. It CAN be pretty awesome!
Another woman I know is freaking out because her husband just retired at age 59 and he is expecting to be able to hang out with her all the time. She wants to continue the freedom of doing her own thing naturally two nights a week while he is out of town on business. He’s not going to be out of town on business anymore and while she loves him deeply, she realizes she is going to have to do some grown-up communicating and negotiation in order to have some time to herself.
Sound familiar? Still scary? Here are some tips for making the most of your time alone.
Get to know yourself as you would get to know any new connection.
You don’t have to spend all your time alone, just think about spending time getting to know yourself like you would in any relationship. And plan to be kind.
- Pay attention. Notice what you do, what you like, how you feel.
- Check in with your daily, physical habits. Usually these are so thoughtless, we don’t realize we’re being overly demanding with our physical expectations. Or maybe you’ll find you take the couch-potato approach to daily living.
- Check in with your emotions. Scary? Just breathe. See if you can notice them and name them. You don’t need to do more with them right now. That’s a great start.
- Check in with your physical self. Don’t worry, just because you acknowledge an ache or pain does NOT mean it’s going to get worse. Tired? Sleep. Hungry? Eat. Angry? Breathe.
- Seek understanding. Be curious.
- Learn about yourself by asking gentle questions like “what’s going on with me that I feel so tense?” That’s one example.
- If you don’t know yourself well yet, now is a great time. Read, research, look! Ask yourself, “how am I made?” Your subconscious will go to work answering the question AND you’ll start to uncover evidence all around you.
- Enlist the reflective help of a good psychotherapist. Tell him or her directly that you are looking to understand yourself more and you want to know as much as possible what they observe.
- Finally, ACCEPT what you find. Love yourself unconditionally, once and for all.
- Just notice. You don’t have to be perfect. You get to be human. You don’t even have to be perfectly human, just start.
- Go ahead and say out loud the things you like about yourself. You don’t have to tell everyone; just tell yourself. Count your strengths.
- Notice some things are harder to accept? Bring these things to a trained psychotherapist and ask directly if she/he will help you see how to shift this stuck spot.