When people discover an affair or decide to come clean, they often ask “Is affair recovery even possible?”
If this is you, don’t pay attention right now to friends, family, social media, or the internet on this one. There are a million negative opinions and they all spout off without any real wisdom on the topic. Remember, you’re an adult, it’s your relationship and your life. You get to make your own decision for your situation.
And if you’re reading this, then there’s a part of you that hopes recovery after an affair really is possible.
Of course Affair Recovery is Possible
Most people don’t choose it. I’ll explain.
But first, some sobering stats: infidelity occurs in fifty percent of committed relationships. Fifty percent! It’s staggeringly common. Maybe that’s surprising, or depressing, but it’s the truth and what is means is: you’re not alone. This is a human experience. Guess what else? Fully two thirds of people STAY together after infidelity…without professional intervention.
So, what do I mean when I say most people don’t choose to recover after an affair?
I mean they don’t do the work to actually heal individually, take complete responsibility for themselves and their actions, (I’m talking both people individually- not waiting for the other person to “shape up”) and they don’t want to actually learn and practice the skills it takes to show up differently for healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.
It’s work.
Humans are designed to conserve energy, to rely on coping mechanisms, and to survive. We are biological beings, after all. But we are so much more than that.
I get it. Infidelity is a heart-crushing blow. It threatens to undo everything. It’s so disorienting! It will rock your world like nothing else.
It’s understandable if work is the last thing you want right now.
We all have our natural response to a threat or crisis. Maybe you run away. (Your automatic response is “Nope. Once a cheater…”) Maybe you fight. (You argue, insult, yell, tell everyone, throw things, retaliate.) Could be you’re like me and you freeze, trying to avoid the “unpleasantness” or you prefer to pretend nothing happened and just keep moving. And maybe, like many people, you try to protect yourself by doing all the things to preserve the relationship and hope this will never happen again.
We call those four responses to threat: fight, flight, fawn, and freeze.
Yet some people choose to actually rise to the occasion.
Despite this enormous heart wound, some people really do want to recover. Fully. Not just sweep this under the rug, not merely hang on until the pain lessens a bit, not move on to the next relationship, but truly recover.
Those willing to rise to the occasion and do their work are the clients I love to serve.
The First Question to Ask
The discovery of an affair is excruciating for the betrayed partner. The disclosure of unfaithful behavior is also painful for the offender. It draws the entire relationship into question. Each person questions the character of their partner…and themselves. They ask “How could you do this?” or “How could I do this?” and “What is wrong with you?” or “What is wrong with me?”
While those are natural first questions, (and you will come up with answers) they aren’t the most helpful questions to ask. And they aren’t helpful or healthy because the information you come up with doesn’t give you anything good to work with.
The very best question is: how do I recover from this? Notice you’re not asking if the relationship can be saved or if it’s worth it. You’re asking “How do I recover from this?”
Asking the best question will lead you to discover real help. (Hi, nice to meet you.) For more on why asking the right questions matters to your brain, check this out.
Affair Recovery is Different Here
That’s because we go through a five stage process that minimizes your pain and suffering while it moves you forward. You won’t get stuck in the pain. But you will learn constructive things to do with it.
We use an approach that respects your natural response to stress while equipping you with the strength it takes to get through this tough time.
That’s why it makes no sense for you to consult friends, family, SM, or the internet for guidance right now. The loudest voices out there are probably not the ones that honor the way you’re made and how you move through the world. And you deserve that kind of individualized attention, especially right now.
How long does Affair Recovery take?
Of course you want to know if this intense suffering is going to become your new norm. Of course you want the fastest way through the worst of this.
“Experts” say it takes 2-5 years to recover after an affair. Now, they don’t mean 2-5 years in active couples therapy. At least, let’s hope not! They mean some time in couples therapy and then years on your own. That’s too long in my book. (Read more on the timeline for recovery.)
Still, with so many people attempting to “get over” this without professional help, it’s easy to see why that’s the average statistic. But it doesn’t have to take that long. At all.
We’ll get to work making the shifts that give you the most relief right away. I’ll teach you how to decrease your suffering and be sure you’re not making it worse for yourself, the other person, or the relationship.
Even if you’re not sure if the relationship is viable, YOU deserve to fully recover. Let me help. Click on the Connect button, so we can get a call scheduled within 24 hours.
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