understanding women podcast episode 3

3 For MEN only: keys to understanding women

Ever wish you could understand women?

Here are some of the secrets of the female psyche revealed! It’s all based on real research, so listen in, guys!

By the time women are in midlife, sometimes the result can translate as women being closed off to you. Women can feel guarded or scared, or so accomplished and self-assured they don’t need you. They can also be complicated, sophisticated, and “evolved.”  Some are so horny you don’t know what to do with them!

Still feeling compelled to rescue a woman?

Maybe you do have that rescuer mentality still. Some men at this point are TIRED of having to be the pursuer it can be tough figuring out what to make of really aggressive women.

Good news:

There are still good women who do understand how you’re made and want to have great relationships with YOU and men like you!

Triangular Theory of Love

Robert Sternberg’s theory posits three elements of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment from which he defines all types of love. In the middle of this triangle, if everything is balanced, there’s consummate love.

Keys to Understanding Women:

  1. Every woman wants to be indispensible: she wants to occupy a place in your heart and mind and life that no other woman does or has or can…or ever will! She must be special. Essentially, she wants to be that consummate love!

2. Every woman asks these two related underlying questions. She carries them around inside her even when she doesn’t know it. (And she’d like to experience a yes about 80% of the time with you.)

  Do you care about how I feel? And are you willing to do something about it?

The key: be sure you know HOW to give her the YES she needs. This includes resisting the urge to “fix it!” SO:

3. Practice empathy even at the elementary level: correctly identify HER emotions.

4. Be willing to do the “something about it” in the way SHE understands.

Plus the BURNING QUESTION answered!

Notice you’re choosing the same type of woman over and over? Want help figuring out what to adjust in order to have truly happy relationship?

CALL ME. 513-530-5888. Let’s get to work putting your understanding of women into ACTION!

 

 

Grown-up Attraction, what men really think

4 Ladies Only: how attraction works

WARNING: EAR MUFFS FOR LITTLE ONES. (Four-letter word alert AND some talk about sex.) 😉

Ever wonder what a man is really thinking?

Wouldn’t you like to really know how attraction works? Here’s what you need to know about what men are really thinking and, why, for men who actually love women, it may not be at all what you think! Plus, how all the things we’ve been told about being a good woman does NOT get us what we need or want in relationship.

Burning Question: Having a significant body issue? When is the right time to tell a love interest?

Believe Me:

Men who love women (like us, want us, are not misogynist) like women in a variety of packages. Trust me on this!

If you run into a man who isn’t attracted to your particular package, screw him. He’s not your man. It’s not a popularity contest. You just want your man to be attracted to you, right? You don’t have to be a 9 or a 10 to be happy in love or to love your body.

Attraction factors: what do men (and women) really find attractive?

Kindness, intelligence, playfulness, youthfulness…

someone he considers to be “good-looking”

interested in him! Some women are really resistant to let a man know she’s interested.

and some secret stuff like chemistry, pheromones!

Yes, and emotional maturity!

By age 35, the Good Guys you want to have a relationship with for the long haul and are fit for real relationship want EMOTIONAL Intelligence:

  1. Confidence, meaning relatively healthy self-esteem. Not insecure, not inflated
  2. Know what they want in life, out of
  3. Emotional responsibility. No divas, drama queens, or princesses.
  4. Understand him. For example understand how a man’s sexuality works and accept it!
  5. Communicate without blaming him or making him wrong.

Need help acquiring any of those skills?

Here’s a startling FACT:

Good Guys PREFER “bitchy” women to doormats. If they had to choose, they’d eventually choose a demanding woman over a complete doormat.

Doormats guarantee that a man will never win with you!

In fact, you doing all the work and putting yourself last, sacrificing yourself, acquiescing and giving in or staying quiet at every turn is the absolute wrong thing to do in relationship!

Maybe you’ve actually given yourself away in relationship. Some women swing to the other extreme and give off the “stay away” vibe! Why?

It’s out of a desire to protect ourselves and a “logical” response to hurts, to life! It’s hard to see that the values we were raised with have helped us behave as doormats or bitches.

If you learned the wrong thing, you can change this.

That’s the good news! Everything on the list is a quality you can cultivate and develop and increase your attraction level.

The challenge, bringing yourself into complete balance

so you can have those other alluring qualities: confidence, managing your own emotions, truly understanding men, communicating without blame and making him wrong.

You’re in a position to care about yourself, value yourself, and put yourself FIRST, not last. And ultimately find a sense of balance.

Need help making the adjustments? CALL ME and let’s get together. 513-530-5888.

 

 

 

 

Midlife Love Bytes episode 12 For Men only

12 For MEN again!

Where do you find really good quality women?

This one is for single Good Guys based on the Burning Question: “where do I find all the hot women my own age that I’d actually like to date who are intelligent, kind, and interested in a relationship?”

I know women in midlife are kind of complicated. Some are so wounded or scared it’s hard to connect. Others are so accomplished and self-assured it can be intimidating. They can give off the vibe that they don’t need you anymore. And women do have more options and interests as they reguvenate in midlife and this can make it hard for you to understand what they really want.

Of course by this time, you are wise enough to spot and avoid the desperate ones fairly easily.

Places to meet quality women:

  1. In a Meetup group
  2. At an art gallery
  3. City sports league or a gym or the YMCA
  4. summer outdoor dances
  5. at the Supermarket at the right time…
  6. Whole Foods wine tasting (or Kroger or other)
  7. Jazz club
  8. yoga class; don’t act creepy
  9. at the library (after work)
  10. special event at the library
  11. at a Fundraiser for a cause
  12. Shakespeare playhouse, theater, plays, concerts
  13. at a park or Nature Preserve or arboretum
  14. Seminar or learning event offered through local school or college
  15. at work (familiarity does breed intimacy)
  16. shop where the kind of women you want to connect with actually shop
  17. tennis lessons
  18. take dance lessons
  19. gardening group (not all women like gardening but some do! Get dirty in the dirt and flirt.)
  20. in a club based on an interest
  21. BONUS! Art and Wine with one or two other men because there are definitely women there with their friends.

The truth about Quality Women

That fantasy about having a room full of eligible, quality  women all hanging out together waiting for you to arrive… It doesn’t exist at this stage in life.

It’s not WHERE you show up, it’s HOW you show up.

  • Are you showing up wounded?
  • Desperate?
  • Does your online profile stink?
  • All-together (no need for a woman…)
  • Showing up just hoping someone will like you?

Women can smell the fear and you can’t fake your healthy approach. Need some support or guidance for your entry or reentry into dating and looking for a mate?

Give me a call and let’s talk about your goals and how we can get you there. 513-530-5888

communication patterns that hurt relationship

7 Stop TALKING! Make your Communication work for you.

How you talk matters as much as what you say.

Is all that talking doing you any good at all? Wonder why your communication breaks down in your intimate and close relationships? Beth explains it in the podcast episode below.

Learn how the common text and subtext of so much of human talking makes it hard, if not impossible, to establish and maintain a sense of empathy and closeness. Beth presents her trademarked formula: Clean, Non-Blaming communication or CNBC, explaining how this four-step process helps you strengthen your limbic brain and parasympathetic nervous system. It can shift relationship, invite both participants into responsibility, and does it with respect and value for each.

Overview, Rules, and Demo

This is an overview of the rules, guidelines for the process of talking using CNBC, and a demonstration using a common conflict between people who live together. Not in a relationship? You can use this in ALL kinds of connections and even with friends and your children! Just you getting good at going through the steps will have major benefits! This really does have the power to change the depth and quality of all your relationships. And that is definitely going to change your life.

Want a little support as you experiment and grow?

Give me a call. I’d love to join you in applying this in your own life. 513-530-5888

healthy sexuality midlife love bytes podcast

21 Healthy Sexuality 101

Wondering if you’re experiencing normal sexuality?

Dr. Nazanin Moali, licensed psychologist practicing in southern California talks about the tenets of healthy sexuality, what is at the root of many sexual issues, changes in libido as we age, and knowing when it’s time to get professional help.


Burning question comes from a 52-year old woman with grown sons in their early 20’s who was suddenly widowed about a year ago. She wants to know how to approach her desire for sex after a long, frequent, satisfying sex life in her marriage. You’ll love what Dr. Naz has to say about this situation. Dr. Naz defines sexual addiction, explores polyamorous connections, and underscores cultural influences.

From a sex-positive perspective,

Dr Naz and Beth explore the tenets of healthy sexuality, this very important aspect of life, love, and relationship.

1. Healthy sexual behavior is not emotionally destructive to the individual or the partner.
2. It’s relational. Participants are engaged emotionally.
3. It’s important to perceive sexuality as an important part of life, not devaluing it or compartmentalizing. It is physical, emotional, spiritual.
4. Discover what is fulfilling to you and your partner and brings you closer together emotionally.

Remember: it might take a while to tune into a new partner and discover what he or she likes and enjoys and create the way you two fit together.

The Good News about Sexuality

Good news: people are capable of engaging in fulfilling sexual behaviors at all ages. What predicts sexual satisfaction later in life is experiences in younger life. There ARE differences in arousal and navigating this honestly in sexual relationship is possible!

More good news: Some say sex life improves immensely with age due to comfort with one’s self.

Underlying cause of many sexual issues:

1. lack of good education
2. unrealistic presentation of sex (heavily influenced by pornography-an idealized representation and misrepresentation of what is attractive and stimulating)
3. imposition of a narrow beauty and body standard.

Time for professional help with sexuality issues?

If it is a problem for you, it’s a good time to reach out for help. Time with a trained professional can ease your mind, give you perspective, and help you understand yourself. That’s just the start of getting you to the goals you have in mind right now. No matter what you’re facing, there are solutions and you are not alone. We can find them together based on your unique make-up.

Ready to talk? Give me a CALL: 513-530-588 and let’s make a plan for you to enjoy a healthy, whole, positive experience of sexuality.

Resources: The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis and Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch, PhD.
Learn more about Dr. Naz and find her podcast “Sexology” at www.oasis2care.com.

27 Dating NOW Basics

Episode 27 is a follow-up from the Midlife Dating 101 Seminar, January 12, 2017. Attraction, Communication rules and progression, Dating in midlife for optimum health (and avoiding pain,) the communion of love and loss, and seven fabulous dating tips that will serve you well!

PREFER to READ? Hit the high points with the notes below:

Attraction: top two are kindness and intelligence. Everyone values these two qualities. Also attractive: playfulness, “youthful” (an energy and optimism about life resulting from a positive midlife transition), good-looking,(someone we consider good looking and would be proud to introduce to our friends, someone interested in you, and that secret “it” something: chemistry.

Behavioral stuff: Confidence, know what they want (in life and in a partner.)responsible for one’s own emotions. In other words, healthy.

How you show up is much more important than where you show up.
Are you showing up wounded?
How about “all together?”
Just hoping he or she will like YOU.

Communication Guidelines:
texting rules:
only positive topics
never argue (about anything!) over texting
don’t rely on it for talking about important things
YES, flirting, probably NOT sexting.

Topics to NOT talk about before you meet in person:
your resume, history, children, past relationships, health challenges EXCEPT things you want to be sure will not be a visible surprise (like being in a wheelchair, for example.)

Once you’ve made an early connection in real life (you’ve met!) someone you want to spend MORE time with:
About past relationships-
only after meeting
only by putting a positive spin on it (talking about what you learned after peace with your own part and an acceptance of the truth of it.)
Can’t be positive? You’re not ready to talk about it.

HOW to know if you are ready to DATE
So many people asked questions about this topic and it’s a GREAT question!

Here’s a healthy guideline for dating again:
Know what are your objectives for dating now? Be very clear on them.
Know what is your long term goal is and ask the right driving question.
Got a crazy dating history? Ask yourself the gentle question: How do I avoid codependency or cheaters etc? Ask the right question for your subconscious to go to work on.

Dealing with our Grief
How do I deal with my grief? Let it go before moving on?

Know how to move through it and not make it worse. Now is a great time to allow the processing of grief to HEAL. Time does not heal all wounds, but engaging the process of healing certainly does.
There are no rules about when you can date. Realize you are going through a process of loss and your heart is mending. It’s not just a matter of time, it’s a functional process.

Even when you’re IN relationship YOU WILL STILL HAVE LOSSES. Learning how to process loss is a human skill. Get some help if you need it.
resources: the blog here. Search for “loss” or “grief”

TIPS:

  1. Remember all of us have busy lives. If you want a relationship, start making time and space in your life for one. Right now the time and space is for dating.
  2. Meet date?  Flip it so you are hoping you like him or her. Find three things you like or respect about this person. That way, your time is never wasted.
  3. It’s all NO until one glorious YES.. and that yes is just the decision you want to spend more time together.
  4. Abandon the job interview format. BOring. You have to talk about your self and you also have to LISTEN.
  5. Get a little activity in. MOVE.
  6. Do something new for both of you!
  7. Remember: it is practice, not perfection. Be gentle with yourself AND all the people you encounter. Kindness matters always.

Good luck in your endeavors. Let me know how it’s going. And if you need support or help with any aspect of this, check out the coaching packages.

infidelity recovery

25 After Infidelity

Infidelity can rock your world like nothing else.

Saving the relationship after infidelity IS possible. Creating a better relationship than you’ve ever had before is even better. In this episode, Beth talks with Dr. Anne Goshen, LCSW,  psychotherapist practicing in San Diego, California. Anne outline’s the Gottman Institute’s phases of recovery.

How this issue gets addressed can truly be the make or break in your healing. Beth brings a Burning Question at about 17:00 regarding when things get mighty messy and some form of retaliation enters the situation. Join us!