Relationship Archives - Luwandi Counseling & Coaching

How will I ever trust again?

The question, “how will I ever trust again?” is one I hear from clients all the time when a partner has betrayed them.

It gets more complex, but the short and sweet answer is “you shouldn’t.”

They’ve just done something to reveal they’re not worthy of that trust. So, there’s no way you should extend that trust right now.

Will you ever be able to trust again?

“Signs point to yes.”

You might recognize that answer from the children’s game, “Eight Ball” where you ask any question, shake up the oversized plastic eight ball, turn it over, and a multi-sided die floating in colored water rises to the top of the peering hole, revealing your answer.

Still, you don’t have to rely on wishing or hoping or even trying hard in order to get back to trusting. Extending trust again is not appropriate initially. But there really IS an effective process to all of this.

Here’s what needs to happen first.

Most people, (heck, even most counselors) will tell you the offender needs to do x, y, and z to earn back your trust and prove that they can be trusted again.

Most of that is entirely misguided. It’s natural to want it, but it has nothing to do with lasting change. That’s because x, y, and z have to do with forcing behavior change and behavior can always be faked. But only for a time.

Know what cannot be faked? Core-level characterological change.

When that shift has happened, then and only then, it’s time to extend trust again.

But how will you know it has happened?

You need the right process through the pain of shattered trust.

Everyone, including many well-meaning, (but misguided) therapists want to set up a set of rules for the offender: highest transparency, total disclosure, a crash course in new communication and relationship skills. And IF the offender complies, THEN the relationship can proceed.

It’s normal and natural to have these expectations. But, don’t do it. Not only is it not effective, it will cause you MORE PAIN and waste time and energy.

Most people want to bargain their pain away. When a partner has betrayed them, the (seemingly) easiest thing to do is to “get back to” when “things were good” and they trusted their partner. That seems easier than processing the pain. It’s actually a lot HARDER.

Betrayed partners (and lots of therapists) want to know: Why did this happen? What’s wrong with you? or the relationship? or me? Those answers are endless and they aren’t truly helpful.

Psssst, there’s a lot wrong with ALL of us and ALL relationships are unique and complicated so, while tempting, those are the WRONG questions to start with.

But what do you do instead?

You want to SUFFER LESS. The pain of infidelity is intense all on its own. Do not make it worse by doing what causes you more pain.

1. STOP reading about infidelity and affair recovery with a google search and prune the topic from your social media feeds. The information there is truly unhelpful garbage. And don’t let ChatGPT spew “wisdom”. AI does not have it figured out.

You need QUALITY information when you’re facing this challenge.

2. Focus on yourself while you get your bearings. The temptation to focus on your mate and what they are doing (or not doing) is intense. That’s why it’s going to take concerted effort to pay attention to yourself.

3. Get help. Choose a professional experienced and mature in their approach to recovery after infidelity. You should get help managing your own pain in the first session. If you don’t, move on.

Here’s how I help

I take clients through a FIVE stage process from Crisis Ambivalence all the way to Relationship 2.0. And we proceed through them, not in a perfectly linear manner, but in a way that truly helps.

We don’t SKIP parts of the healing or try to gloss over the hard stuff.

We engage specific therapeutic activities for each stage. Together, we meet clear objectives before moving on to the next set of activities. And there’s a “theme song” or guiding principle we all keep in the forefront of our minds as we move forward together.

Relationships have been, not just saved, and not just restored, but healed from the inside out. People have graduated from treatment whole, healed, well, and fully equipped for secure, lasting, and fulfilling partnership.

If that sounds good to you, let’s get started. Choose a free consultation or jump into a first session, but get on the schedule while I’m taking new clients. I can’t wait to help!

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Gentleness is key to habit change

You’ll hear the opposite this time of year, but the key to habit change is not RA, RA, get it gurl! New Year, New You!

Not at all.

Gentleness is really the key to changing any habit: big, small, minute, stubborn, slippery. More than any other mode, gentleness rules the day

But let’s define GENTLENESS.

It’s a key cornerstone in how I work with people. And like my mentor, Terry Real, says “Harshness never did what loving firmness does a thousand times better.”

Harshness, is, in essence, violence. Toward others and inside our minds. We’ve just bought into the idea that violence gives us traction. We’ve sided with brute force because it seems to get things done. ( I mean, it’s violent and it’s movement, so there is that. But it does damage in the meantime.)

Gentleness on the other hand, can be described as loving firmness. It’s the best strength available to humans. It includes an awareness of oneself and it is really the only thing that moves the needle.

The new year and anticipated changes ahead may habit change into focus.

I know you’ve heard from me that New Year’s Resolutions are bunk. They really are NOT an effective way to start fresh or meet goals or change habits. (But we still like doing it!)

Paranthetical insertion: I still remember last year talking with friends at my Arthur Murray dance studio and saying how New Year’s Resolutions do not work and getting quite the push-back from one of the guys. “What do you mean, they don’t work?! How do you set goals then? Who doesn’t make New Year’s Resolutions?!!” He was pretty heated about it.

There are people who absolutely LOVE them! If you’re one of them, I get it.

For all of us, they feel pretty wonderful. They are optimistic and beautiful. They’re so hopeful, and such a lovely marker for adjusting habits we want to change.

But making real change has actual stages (that we’ve researched) so we know what’s truly effective. We know how the human animal makes adjustments and what is, in fact, key to making a lasting habit change. We know what proves most effective in incorporating a lasting adjustment that simply becomes part of life.

Habit change is not really simple or easy. So much has to happen!

Here are the Stages of Change

Precontemplation — this is before a desirable change is even really on our conscious radar. Maybe that’s the time when some nagging way of living is just having an effect on us — like we sorta register maybe feeling a little…off, sluggish, unsatisfied, but that’s it.
Contemplation — this is when we start to THINK about the thing. “Hmmm, Oh, well, that’s a lot of cookies. Or I probably should DO something about my bank account.” Or it could be that something just registers as bothering us: I wish I had better friends. or I don’t think there’s anyone I could call for help at 2 in the morning.
Planning — Perhaps this is self-explanatory. But this is when you make a plan. You think about how you can be successful. You do the mental work of thinking about what needs to be adjusted in order to make the change. (Maybe you think what it might be like to NOT buy whatever you want off Amazon. Maybe you think about what it would be like to actually go outside in January and take a brisk walk in the middle of the day.)
Action — You DO the thing! You move money into your savings. Or you meal prep for the week and then that’s all you eat. You DO the workout. This is you actually doing the new thing.
Maintenance — the time when you sustain the change. It becomes your new normal. You’re in a different groove and routine. Pretty soon, this is your way of doing things. This is the time when identification with this new normal takes root and makes the change so powerful. Now, you the kind of person who…manages her money well, is fit and athletic, lives a healthy lifestyle, whose friendships are deep, meaningful, AND fun!
Relapse — every single person on the planet needs to accept that relapse is part of the process of change. There WILL be times when you waste money again. You ARE going to overeat. Or miss a workout. Definitely gonna be moments of conflict in relationships—of all kinds. This is a NORMAL part of life. And relapse can be a reality without being a REVERT. If one accepts it as part of the process. Then, ya just return to the new normal… and this part is supr important: no shame, no blame, and there’s no need for fear. Just get back to it. (Psssst, Go back to Action).

Okay, now that you’ve seen these stages of change…

Maybe you can see it without me spelling it out. But I’m gonna spell it out: New Year’s Resolutions expect human beings to go from a state of revelry and celebration to suddenly tamping down an enjoyable thing. They are bonkers!

No one really changes anything meaningfully by going from enjoyment to QUITTING! (Not even quitting smoking cold turkey happens suddenly. The successful quitter thinks about it and plans for how he will confront moments previously punctuated with a cigarette. The wise quitter realizes relapse may be part of the equation and instead of this being an excuse to revert to the habit, she simply returns to the intention and action of quitting.)

What is much more effective is paying attention to those areas of life you’ve started contemplating that might need an adjustment. And taking the MONTH of January to think it through, maybe make a plan and… just when everyone else is abandoning their Resolutions, (in February) that might be when YOU decide to start taking action.

At any rate, be GENTLE with yourself. You don’t need to be indulgent or permissive with yourself. I hope you were indulgent over the holiday season and that you ENJOYED yourself immensely! I hope you were gentle with yourself coming back to a more regular schedule after the holidays.

By all means, be gentle with yourself as you walk out whatever behavior change you’re hoping to accomplish. Just don’t skip the stages.

Now YOU get to be gentle with yourself.

No matter what, be gentle with yourself as you attempt to change behavior. Maybe think about the stages of change if there’s anything that needs changing. And also, get in for a session if you need some support in making that change.

Above all, go right ahead and take your time thinking through, planning for, and acting in your best interests.

You got this.

And I’m right here. I got you if there’s anything at all you need. Get on my schedule for a free consultation or book your first session.

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After the holidays

What do you do with yourself after the holidays?

What do you do with yourself during this between time — after Christmas (or Hanukkah) and before New Year?

Are you extending the festivities? Keeping busy? Stuffed full of cheese and sugar and alcohol?

Reflecting? Relieved? Maybe you’re still just holding on…

This one’s for the ladies especially, but do read it guys, because it can apply to all of us.

Seriously, though…how was your Christmas? Or Hanukkah.

Both mid-winter gift-giving holidays are fraught with expectation, anxiety, loneliness, performing, family dynamics, duty and obligation, sheer exhaustion, and well, often, disappointment. No matter what is going on, it’s extremely rare for this to be a truly stress-free time of the year.

**We do many things to cope with the aftermath of the holidays.**

Here are a few:

Denial is a brilliant one. After all the very real chaos, we sit back, sigh, and say, “ahhh, wasn’t that wonderful?” Never mind there was a yelling match, or your daughter and son-in-law left early, or you got so mad you wanted to spit. Twice.

Avoidance is closely related to denial. “We don’t talk about this stuff. Nothing changes anyway.” Will you sweep it under the rug? Just get on with things…until next year rolls around, and you “grin and bear it” or try to do better?

Deflecting works pretty well. Many of us walk away from family interactions by digging our heals in and blaming the other guy. (Auntie is so selfish and self-promoting. Uncle got drunk again. As usual. What’s wrong with kids these days? Since when is it okay for everyone to be on their tablets? Not to mention your mate. Getting him to help — with the right things — is like pulling teeth!)

So…what are you doing with those “after the holidays” feelings and thoughts this year?

No doubt, you’ve heard that doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. But that is precisely what most of us do. We go back to whatever is our favorite way of coping. And it underscores our narrative.

Adding to our narrative is temporarily satisfying.

You can’t expect anything else from him because he’s so… (name your adjective:) stubborn, emotionally immature, irresponsible, narcissistic. “Of course! My mother has always been trying to undermine me. She’s still doing it!” That nephew grew up entitled and he’s still a spoiled brat.

Sometimes our narratives are milder toward others and harsher toward ourselves:

My feelings don’t matter.

I never get what I ask for anyway, so why bother?

It’s my job to be sure everyone else is getting along.

You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

We all have narratives — stories we tell ourselves until we truly believe that’s just the way it is.

It’s because we create schemas in our brain. Once the schema is set, we collect evidence that fits into the schema, underscoring the narrative. That’s how our brains work.

We start this when we’re very young, expand on the existing schemas, and then do what is called “pruning” around age 11 or 12 when operational thought comes on board. We keep what serves us and prune away what we deem childish thinking.

The problem is that the brain is wired for ease, and we stop tending to those schemas and questioning them as we get older. What results can be faulty thinking. We can maintain narratives (oftentimes quite subconsciously) that support beliefs that are not true, no longer serve us, and ultimately, are not one bit helpful.

Most of us keep them around much longer than is good for us.

I’ve often said, we keep them until they chomp us in the ass. Unfortunately, pain is a very good motivator. And for some of us, it’s the only motivator that works.

That’s why, right this moment, I am going to invite you to do something different from your normal MO.

Stop for just a minute.

Acknowledge the rough spots, allow those feelings to just be, and sit in the pain for a moment.

No, really sit in it.

It’s not going to kill you. I promise. Just breathe and let the pressure sink in. Really feel it.

Then, be honest with yourself.

Is this how you want next year’s holiday season to go?

It doesn’t matter if the thing you’d change has something to do with you or with them.

If you’d like it to be different, something has to change.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

And YOU have the power to make that happen.

Even if it is about them.

Trust me on this.

When one person changes, everything has to adjust. It’s a Universal Law and Universal Laws do not shift. (Think gravity, for an example you can imagine.) We can work with Universal Laws or we can waste a ton of energy trying to defy them.

I have a mentor who likes to say you can’t break a Universal Law, but you can break yourself against one.

All of us get in our own way in the process of change.

I call those blocks. Self-sabotage. You’ve heard them called blind spots. We all have them.

We come face to face with ourselves. And instead of doing something different, we choose what comes naturally, instinctively. We choose our well-worn path. And then we’re comfortably back to our same dull pain and those old coping skills kick in.

But we don’t really get anywhere. And we can’t always see accurately just what is happening.

That is why we all need outside help.

If you’re sick and tired of the same-old, let’s really do something about it.

I’ve designed the program, SSS Life so women can become Strong, Smart, and Savvy for life. For real. No matter where you’re starting. And no matter what you’re facing.

If it’s loneliness and loss because of a death, divorce, or breakup, the bewilderment of parenting grown children, unresolved wounds showing up in irritation or exhaustion with your aging parents, the weight of a strained relationship… SSS Life has you covered.

Look,

Change doesn’t happen overnight. That’s why you can join and be a member for life. Pay tuition once, and you have lifetime membership, no recurring dues for years. ALL the updates to the program are yours at no extra cost. Ever.

Change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. We grow best when we’re joining others doing the same thing. In fact, we train harder, ask more of ourselves, and achieve more as part of a group. Even when there’s no competition involved. You need other people to do your best. Not to compare, but because the right mix of people focused on the same goal will get you there faster.

In SSS Life, we gather to support, celebrate, and share our challenges and progress. You get the group, live coaching, ongoing email support, and an effective program to shift what just doesn’t serve you anymore. And you don’t even have to know exactly what is getting in your way! The program is designed to let you discover and shift. Gently.

You’re not the problem. But you do get a chance to be the solution.

Not many of us like change, even when we know it has to happen. So be assured, it does not have to be a drastic or uncomfortable shift.

You get to take just as long as you like.

But don’t take too long to decide. SSS Life is HALF OFF only until January 1st. Then it’s back up to full price. Go HERE for info and to REGISTER.

Hope to see you inside. Get in here quick. You don’t want to miss the great price. And the next LIVE CALL is coming up soon!

SSS LIFE

How to Resolve Conflict

Resolving conflict can be a fraught topic. Why is that?

You’re IN your relationships, so the movement, patterns, stresses and joys of them, are something you just DO and HAVE.

But there’s one thing that determines how healthy they actually are. Like most truly valuable things, it’s SIMPLE. You’ve probably heard me say that simple doesn’t automatically translate as EASY, but stick with me.

Ready for it? This is the one thing that determines how healthy your relationships are:

It’s how you resolve conflict.

It’s not the ABSENCE of conflict in relationships that determines their happiness or health. Maybe you’ve heard me say one person made this way, moving through the world like so, with these core issues — plus another person made their way, moving through the world as they do, with their core issues MEANS conflict. Guaranteed.

One human + one human = conflict.

At some point.

It’s inevitable. It’s human. And in fact, it’s psychologically healthy.

BUT! The singular thing that is a barometer of the HEALTH of your relationship is HOW well the two of you navigate conflict.

Here’s what happens when you don’t resolve conflict well:

You both create an undercurrent of unresolved tension. When this builds up over time, I call this Empathy Gridlock. That’s because, ultimately (even when you’re not aware of exactly what that thing is) you each want something from the other, but you’re not getting what you want in the relationship and so, neither of you budge giving the other what they truly want! Hence, Empathy Gridlock.

Sometimes people in this state agree to be miserable together.

Some humans actually stay together in this state for quite a long time. We all know old couples who bicker like children, are general curmudgeons — at least one of them is — and they live out their lives never doing anything different.

But should YOU? I always side with people being as healthy as possible, so my answer to that is, “Oh my goodness, don’t do that when you don’t have to. Why would you!?”

Most of the couples who come to see me are in a state of Empathy Gridlock and we get to work busting the gridlock so they can get back to peace and relational joy.

Some pairings don’t have decades of Empathy Gridlock built up.

Because a lot of my couples are mid-lifers who are re-mating after a divorce, these couples especially want to do something different with this new relationship. They want to be sure they know how to have a healthier version of a committed, loving relationship.

They are smart! They realize it’s easy to fall into old patterns.

The first step is realizing your own tendencies.

What’s your usual way of addressing conflict?

Some people cope with conflict like so:

They avoid.

This is easy to do. Just let the relationship fade away… Let it die on the vine. Wither from neglect. Allow it to shrivel and drop off.

I’ve been guilty of this.

I can be a baby when my desire to avoid overrides a sense of maturity. That’s on me. It can be my tendency, for sure!

I’m not defending it, I just understand it from the inside out! Avoiding conflict is not a way to resolve it, since unresolved conflict can fester…or it can kill a relationship.

(Psssst, there are ALWAYS good reasons avoiding conflict is someone’s go-to response. There are also highly effective ways to truly heal those reasons. I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve grown into being good at resolving conflict. If I can do it, anyone can. I’ll show you how if you decide to explore working together.)

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Others let conflict fester and then add to their own narrative.

This can make the chance for reconciliation even more remote and make the path back even harder. But it’s also a natural thing to do.

This can be where the CNI comes into play. That Core Negative Image of the other is easily expanded and increased with their every move. More and more “evidence” of their flawed nature piles up.

You know what I’m talking about. It can be the difference between seeing your mate’s wet shoes parked half on the rug and half off the rug and thinking “GAWD, what a slob! He’s never careful with our wood floors!” or thinking something lighter like “Hmmm, look at that. He’s making such an effort to get the x,y,z task accomplished outside even in the rain.”

One approach automatically gives the benefit of the doubt…and likely with an internal stance that the relationship is much more important than the floor. The other approach automatically reverts to the Core Negative Image of this person as “a slob.”

Even if he’s messy, untidy, or doesn’t prioritize keeping the wood floor dry… thinking in that way, even about tiny things can make it MUCH harder to work a repair that actually lasts..when more important issues arise. Build-up of the Core Negative Image over time ensures the pairing will have a very difficult time truly resolving anything.

Some people revert to perspective arguing to “resolve conflict.”

It never works. Perspective arguing is ALWAYS a losing strategy. And while it can come naturally, most of us want the other person to understand us, and it seems to “make sense” as the way to resolve things, it is not effective!

In fact, when two people spend time taking turns explaining themselves, they walk away even more entrenched in their own way of thinking. There’s research proving this. Perspective arguing does not build rapport, respect, or understanding.

In addition, perspective arguing often leads to an escalation of the conflict, and just serves to underscore the CNI.

In these instances, it’s common for individuals to have fantasy conversations with the other person.

Think about it.

Have you ever revisited an exchange again and again, thinking through what you wish you’d said?

Or maybe you’ve imagined an exchange long before it ever happens. Have you practiced what you’ll say and predicted the response?

Some people do so much imaginary communicating, they think they’ve actually already had the conversation.

All of it, just ADDS to the Core Negative Image that’s rattling around in someone’s head.

Sad thing, no matter how well-intended you are, it’s nearly impossible to prevent someone else’s CNI of you! You cannot control their perception.

The best bet? Resolve conflict well.

So, what happens when you DO resolve conflict well?

Everyone has their idea of how to do this better. Those ideas include communicating better, or explaining themselves more or explaining more clearly. Some people think it means learning to talk to their mate in a way the other has a better chance of hearing. Some people think it means trying harder. Or avoiding conflict more effectively to begin with.

All of that is important to some degree. So, yes to all of it.

It’s not where we start, though.

Why?

Because it doesn’t prevent Empathy Gridlock or genuinely get two people beyond their conflict as quickly as possible. What will?

Easy Conflict Resolution

When you do resolve conflict well, there are three simple steps.

One or the other person offers a repair.
The recipient accepts the offer for repair, if not immediately, then eventually. (Sooner is better than later.)
The repair works! Effectively. Completely.

When I say the repair works, I mean it does repair the relationship: it restores good feeling between the two, and it brings them back to peace and relational joy. In fact, accomplishing a complete repair instills more confidence in the relationship and it brings people closer.

The overall health of the relationship is apparent in HOW they manage and resolve the conflict.

The healthiest relationships work an effective repair in about 20 minutes.

Believe it or not, that’s about how long it takes for two healthy, mature people to be responsible and honest about their own stuff, to be vulnerable with one another, and to discover they still, yes, they still have a safe, cherishing, loving haven of a relationship with one another.

I know that seems like very short order, and it truly is. Keep in mind this is between two whole human adults who have healed their residual trauma and have a good mastery over their core issues.

They have done the healing work and they show up, ready for healthy relationship.

Lots of us have experienced that it can take days, even weeks, before there’s any movement toward peace. And look, you can’t control the other person, but you can do what you can do and then be genuinely at peace with your efforts. No matter what kind of relationship it is. No matter what kind of response you get.

So eventually, yes, what happens between two healthy adults is that they work through a conflict easily and responsibly in quite short order. This means between workmates, between friends, between parents and grown children, between siblings, as well as in intimate partnerships.

How are you doing resolving conflict?

If you don’t know how to do this, or you keep running into frustrations, I can help with that. Obviously, I’m not the only one who can do this, but I’d love to join you.

I can’t think of a thing on the planet more important than helping people have truly healthy relationships. It’s what I do. I do this all day long. Every day. In every way I can think of making that contribution.

Why?

Because it’s JOYFUL. Literally. Full of joy. For me and for my clients.

Experiencing relational joy, not just a fleeting feeling here or there, is truly joyful and good. Real peace and harmony in relationships of all kinds is the absolute foundation to a happy, healthy, long, enjoyable, productive life. (There’s research on that as well- google the longest running Harvard Study on Happiness.)

Relationship conflict during the holidays can make everything worse.

Since there’s so much emphasis on family, on togetherness, and so many parties or gatherings or events to attend, gifts to buy, and so much cooking, and baking, and (around here at least) so much food to make and eat and give….

pressure can build up.

This is definitely the season when the state of our relationships is most evident. Unresolved conflict can feel even heavier.

Even if you don’t have a ton going on, it can be a low mood time of the year.

Darker days, colder temps, less daylight can all add to the challenges of the holiday season.

I don’t suggest starting big relationship work during the holidays. Wait to get to work until after the first of the year. Whether there’s a primary love relationship that needs to be much better. or you’re experiencing conflict in other relationships, you don’t have to ADD the stress of trying to change things right now.

But here’s what I can help with NOW:

If you want to get started identifying the patterns in a relationship and explore types of repair in your particular situation, we can do that.
If you’d like to prepare for a gathering, an encounter, a situation or circumstance, we can do that.
If you’d like some extra warmth and support because you’re feeling the loss of someone dear to you, I’m here for you.
If Seasonal Affective symptoms or depression are flaring, let’s address that.
If you’d like to set the groundwork for goals to meet in the New Year, we can get started on that now.
If you’d like to do a one-off, or a reset, or a refresh, we can do that right now.

I opened up more sessions on my calendar this week if you want to jump in. GO HERE to Schedule.

I’m looking forward to hearing more about what is going on for you. I’ll let you know exactly how I can help. Resolving conflict is a skill you definitely need. No matter where it applies, there’s a good solution. Let’s…BOOK NOW

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Lots of people ask the question “does marriage counseling work?”

The answer depends on what you mean by “work”. Does it help? Will you grow?
Will it save your sanity or help you make a decision about staying or splitting?

Absolutely YES!

Will it save your marriage? I gave a complex answer HERE, but ultimately that answer is maybe… for the most part, yes… if you do the work. (It’s still a tricky answer isn’t it? Sorry about that, but it’s what I really see.) I cover in that article the ONE thing that will certainly cost you your marriage. And I wrote HERE about the two things you must have in order for marriage counseling to work to save your marriage.

Will marriage counseling teach you about perspective, about skills within relationship, and about how to be a better mate?

Yes. If marriage counseling is any good at all, it will definitely cover those things.

Most Marriage Counseling will help with that.

But good marriage counseling (honestly, the only kind worth investing in) will get to the heart of what keeps coming up as a recurring conflict and a distressing pattern in your relationship. Good marriage counseling will address the parts in you and in the relationship that resist using those skills or being a better mate when it’s hard. That’s where the rubber meets the road.

After all, if you could just do what you know would work in the relationship, you wouldn’t need someone else to help you.

You don’t need Relationship Skills

Not yet, anyway. You probably already have plenty of those.

You can read all about the Five Love Languages, about your Love Tank, or learning each other’s Love Maps and the Sound Relationship House. Studying about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will definitely predict a relationship’s demise. You can read all the self-help and personal development ever published. (Actually maybe you can’t given that there are so.many.books on the subject, but you know what I mean).

What ALL of those sources cannot supply is enough leverage to do the real growing needed for YOU, in particular, to show up differently in your relationship, in real time, and in real life. Especially when you feel triggered and challenged. If everything were just smooth sailing, a marriage relationship would be easy, wouldn’t it?

Reading books also cannot supply your partner with motivation to change.

That’s what good marriage counseling helps you uncover together.

Good marriage counseling is a process of working together- all three of us- to address core issues. Good marriage counseling will provide support along with sustained motivation to continue forward progress.

You also don’t need Conflict-resolution Skills

All the knowledge in the world about conflict-resolution skills is not going to matter in the moment.

This isn’t something you do just because you have an awareness of your go-to stance and the pattern in your relationship.

Every single one of us takes our go-to stance for a very good reason and knowing the reason does not shift its power in the moment. We don’t resolve conflicts just by knowing why we do something or why our partner does something and then simply learning a different skill.

Many counselors start by teaching conflict resolution, improving communication, and even uncovering why you do what you do in relationships. That can be fascinating. It seems like the answer. But going that route is much more work and, in fact, it takes a lot longer than truly effective marriage counseling.

Here’s what does work

You need to know how to shift from your go-to stance to a more helpful perspective and movement when conflict arises.

Knowing how to shift happens when we get to the core of the need for that go-to stance and then effectively replace that need at a very deep level with something that serves the individual and the relationship. That’s what really makes a difference in how you show up in relationship.

This is core-level transformation and it’s actually much easier than it sounds. But you must have a good marriage counselor using the right powerful methods.

And don’t worry; this is not about being a different type of person. You don’t have to worry about losing yourself or surrendering your identity. Good marriage counseling is really about being a healthier version of yourselves.

The one thing that doesn’t work in marriage counseling:

Talk therapy.

Doing talk therapy around marriage issues will not work. You do not need to rehearse and rehash your complaints. Marriage Counseling is not a place for unbridled self-expression, tattling on your partner for all their misdeeds and perceived misdeeds, or playing whack-a-mole with each topic of contention that arises.

A marriage counselor is not a facilitator or referee. She’s not someone to help you hash out each disagreement you’ve been having about who does what labor around the house, for example.

Those issues are merely a symptom of what’s going on in the relationship and a good marriage counselor does not need you to replay conflicts or arguments.

Specific issues may serve as salient examples of core issues. So we WILL talk about what’s going on.

You just won’t be able to use a good marriage counselor as a referee. You also won’t be able to spend time doing with the counselor what you normally do at home. That’s a waste of everyone’s investment of time, energy, and your money.

Making Marriage Counseling effective

Here’s how good marriage counseling works here:

I’ll assess the negative patterns in your relationship.

We’ll talk about how you’re made and how you move through the world.

We’ll talk about your core issues.

One of our first goals is to do no more harm. To the relationship, to ourselves, and to one another. We’ll cover exactly how to do that with respect for both of you.

Then, we get down to the work of repairing what’s broken between you with core-level transformation and researched, evidence-based methods that heal. You. Your partner. And the relationship.

Good Marriage Counseling is not neutral

We ALL have core issues, so it’s not a matter of your partner being the one with “the issues”. Having issues is central to being human. We respect that. (In fact, it’s part of what we embrace as part of Whole Human Therapy. You don’t have to geek out about the theory, but you can explore more at that link if you want.)

One of you may, however, be doing more damage to the relationship than the other. A good marriage counselor will see that clearly and proceed skillfully with appropriate support and challenge. Effective, good intervention from the counselor is a combination of tender regard for the adaptations and behaviors we humans employ, and the ability to hold a firm standard about what it means to be relational.

After all, when you do couples work, the relationship becomes the client. Together we work on the relationship. Our collective end-goal is to create a loving relationship that honors, nourishes, and fulfills both members of it.

Good marriage counseling is not about being permissive or neutral regarding doing damage to the relationship. And it holds space for both of you while holding each of you accountable. It’s an art as much as science. You are going to need someone highly skilled with this.

In addition, there ARE conditions that may need to be addressed before good couples work can take effect. I wrote about all of them right here. A good marriage counselor won’t gloss over those. As soon as she’s aware of them, she’ll broach them in session. With care, of course. With strength and the firmness a good marriage counselor can implement.

Does Marriage Counseling ever Not Work?

Unfortunately, it IS possible for marriage counseling to be ineffective. There ARE marriage counselors out there who are good people, well-intended, but not very skilled. Some counselors take only a surface-level approach because that’s either what they’re comfortable handling or they just haven’t done deeper work themselves. Other couples counselors are skilled at thinking through things. But thinking only gets you so far when it comes to love.

And hey, you and your partner might prefer to do work sheets and study one another’s Love Maps, or to concentrate on what IS working, or demonstrate love and care through effortful application of the Love Languages or some other target behavior change. You might really like applying IFS (Internal Family Systems) or using an Imago model. Maybe you really are looking for your relationship to solve issues of attachment and dysregulation. You might like the appeal of working on more emotional engagement and being more attuned to one another. Emotion Focused Couples Therapy sounds like a lovely promise, doesn’t it?

Those are all modalities for couples work that I am well-versed in and do not use because I’ve found something much more effective.

Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely will work on ALL the parts that make your marriage more relational and fulfilling for both of you. We all support that end-goal.

But, surface-level, brain-based, or behavioral change approaches just don’t permanently solve any real problems.

You do not have to make this more complicated than necessary.

You don’t have to waste time, energy, or money trying everything else.

And if you’re considering marriage counseling, then getting to the bottom of those problems, actually healing them, and then crafting a solution- one you can implement in the moment- is imperative.

Most of my clients are really smart. They have worked hard to succeed. Maybe they’ve tried several approaches already. They have significant knowledge and they have done a lot of growing. All of that is good. I honor ALL of those efforts and ALL of that growth.

Still, something is coming up in their primary relationship that feels too frustrating, too familiar, and threatens, not just their marriage, but their very happiness as well.

Is that you? I can help.

If you’re ready for something that really moves the needle and works long-term in your primary love relationship, get on my schedule for a FREE consultation call. I am eager to hear what’s going on for you and I’ll let you know exactly how I can help.

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Can this marriage be saved?

We ask “can this marriage be saved?” but a more appropriate question might be “should this marriage be saved?”

Let me tell you a story. (Don’t like stories? Skip to the next bold headline.)

I read the Ladies’ Home Journal column of the same title: Can this Marriage Be Saved? start to finish, religiously, just as soon as the magazine arrived for my mom…by the time I was eleven.

Maybe I intuitively knew by then that my parents’ marriage was on the rocks. Though they stayed married another 15 years, I now know that it was, indeed, doomed by the time I was reading that column.

My parents stayed together until my youngest brother finished college. And if that was a conscious choice, they never told any of us about the decision.

Consequently, we simply got to see them endlessly unhappy.

The tension was palpable. They weren’t fighters, but occasionally we’d hear their muffled “discussions” knocking from their bedroom. I remember losing respect for them as a teenager thinking “they are both lovely, intelligent, educated people.” Of course, I loved them both and I was incredibly frustrated seeing them so miserable. “If they can’t figure out how to have a good marriage, what chance do ANY of us have?!”

Listen, my parents lasted 41 years, made 11 children, and lived on three different continents during their time together. Some might see success in that. Or even deeper tragedy. For me, that distinction no longer matters, though it certainly did during my childhood and teen years and loooong after they split.

Make no mistake, your unhappy marriage is affecting the people around you. It’s especially affecting your children. And if you can’t figure it out, it will become their challenge. So…

Should your marriage be saved?

If you ask most couples counselors (myself included) Can this marriage be saved? the answer is going to be yes. I said that very thing RIGHT HERE. Pretty much any marriage can be saved. (The further question might be, why save it? and at what cost?)

Look, we are used to couples counselors, therapists, and relationship experts saying they don’t take sides, they won’t tell you what to do, that the decision to go or to stay is with you. And it is, ultimately. No therapist can make you do things, nor should they actually try. (In the biz, we call that detachment from outcome. It’s your life, not mine. Always.)

But a good couples counselor ought to provide adequate insight into what it will take to repair what is broken between you. A good marriage counselor can teach you what healthy relationship actually is and how it functions. They should be able to detect when your uphill battle is a waste of effort. Plus, they ought to SHARE that information with you, not keep it to themselves.

Keep in mind, with strong enough motivation from both parties, it is possible to heal just about any relationship.

Humans have been intentionally healing from the most heinous trauma for decades, even centuries. Methods are more effective than ever. So, there’s hope. Yet, no one is obligated to do the work of healing and getting healthy. And many people on the planet exercise their right to remain untreated. I’m good with that. Even as a licensed couples counselor!

It’s healthy if you are too. So…

What will it take to save your marriage?

Number one, accept the fact that you cannot alter another person’s will. Each individual on the planet gets to decide. Accepting this will save you a TON of pain and wasted effort. This also means you don’t get to dictate how someone ought to heal or cope. If they choose to leave, save yourself added pain and humiliation and let them go. (Read tips about how to let go if that’s hard to do.)

Two, learn what it means to be responsible for yourself. Tending to your own healing is all the work you need to do. You cannot do someone else’s healing work for them. It’s not your job. If letting go in this way and focusing on yourself is difficult (I know it can be; I help people with this all the time) be sure you get professional help. Then be certain that helper does not let you spend your time together focused on the other person.

Finally, get the right kind of support in real life. Don’t reiterate your pain to friends and family. You’ll not only ruin relationships, but you’ll make yourself even more miserable. I call this rehearsing your pain and people do it all the time. It gets them stuck. Then, tell your professional support team the truth. If you present two faces (or more) it will make it harder for them to help. (See point two above and read about a good therapy relationship HERE.)

So, when is saving the marriage truly hopeless?

If both of you are willing to invest in the relationship (and when I say invest, I really mean willing to stay in the relationship) then there’s just ONE thing that will prevent a happier relationship. Here it is:

If you’re waiting for the other person to change, or do more, or stop doing something, your marriage is doomed, done-for, over, hopeless. If you CAN’T STOP waiting for that, you may as well get divorced right this minute. I mean this emphatically.

I know it can be tough to stop waiting, wishing, or trying to coerce the other person to change, but good couples counseling (and good individual counseling) will address this objective.

What needs to be addressed first?

In addition, many professionals won’t tell you this, but there are conditions that make good couples work utterly impossible. We call them contraindications for couples counseling. That means their existence works directly against the process done in marriage counseling, so there really is no point to attempting marriage counseling unless these conditions are addressed effectively. Keep in mind, these are very challenging obstacles. Treating them is not hopeless, just very difficult. They have to be addressed, not completely solved before couples work can be effective.

They are, in no particular order of significance:

Physical abuse.

If either one of you get so triggered you cannot control your impulses and you lash out physically, this requires intervention before any progress can be made. Period. It’s not complicated.

Addiction.

This can be process or substance addiction. It could be porn, gambling, shopping, television, food, alcohol, or another substance. But if it goes unaddressed, there’s no point to doing couples work together. Read that list again. Capacity for moderation is necessary before relationship repair can happen. In addition, the individual must be willing and working on it; they don’t have to be perfect, they just have to be honest and responsible. Addiction is rife with relapse, so be realistic.

Personality Disorders.

These notably include Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline, Histrionic, Dependent, Avoidant, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorders. I’m listing these in particular because there is some hope of treating these conditions. However, treatment requires invested long-term effort, effective and focused help, dedication from the affected person, as well as a team of support people in order for enough stabilization to warrant working on a relationship.

What doesn’t eliminate good couples work?

Mood Disorders like Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar, or Dysthymia are not on the list of contraindications. However, the presence of these conditions creates a very real, dynamic challenge and these also need to be treated and addressed. Increasing quality of life with a mood disorder (hence, availability for relationship) takes concentrated treatment and dedication, much like living with a chronic disease.

Did you also notice that infidelity is not on my list? Many couples counselors will not see a couple if there is an active affair. But I do things differently here. You can read about my approach to Infidelity Treatment here.

“So, you’re telling me there’s a chance?”

There is a chance and sometimes that chance is one in a million, just like the line from Dumb and Dumber. (And if you recognize the line and remember its context, we could probably be friends.) But seriously, let’s just say NONE of the above conditions of physical abuse, addiction, or a personality disorder is present; working on your relationship can still be very difficult.

Saving a marriage and creating a healthy one can take a huge investment of time, energy, and money.

You will waste all that energy if you hire the wrong person or try to engage someone who is not a specialist. If you hire someone who can’t identify or won’t tell you that you or your partner have issues requiring attention before engaging more couples work, then you’ve chosen someone who is not even qualified to do marriage counseling.

If there’s infidelity (historical, recent, or active) and you hire someone who doesn’t specialize in treating infidelity, you’re also wasting your efforts.

When you hire a couples counselor, you need someone who has the skills and qualifications to actually help you.

Is it worth it?

Absolutely. You know I’m going to say YES! Even if just one of you is willing to grow and heal, it is worth everything you invest in it. No matter if the other person does their work or not. That’s true even if you don’t manage to stay married.

That’s because really good marriage counseling pays dividends that last forever and reverberate out from you. What you experience and learn will serve you in being able to create and enjoy a cherishing relationship. This one or the next. And that’s priceless. For you, your children, and all the other people around you.

Look, my parents didn’t have psychiatric issues, addiction, or physical abuse present in their relationship. I’m really grateful for that because those additional concerns create incredible familial chaos and add an enormous burden for all those around them.

But my parents were stubborn. They did each insist that the other was wrong and needed to change. Ultimately, that unwillingness to be wholly responsible for themselves was their undoing.

It took a lot longer than necessary for me to figure that out, or to be able to create and enjoy healthy love in my own life. But I’ve done it and I know how to help others get there faster.

Truth is, it’s only hard until it isn’t anymore. After that, it’s all gravy.

If you’re willing- even if you’re the only one who’s ready- we can do some amazing work together. Get on my call schedule and let’s chat. You’ll be so glad you got a chance to explore what doing relational work will mean for you. And don’t worry, it includes a TON more joy and playfulness than you imagine. That’s part of the medicine.

Let’s talk soon.

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PS. Just to clarify

My parents staying together until all of us were through college was NOT the worst choice they could have made. They did their best with what they had and I am not one bit bitter about their choices. I see and salute their humanity. (Being able to do that is a result of having done my own work!)

In fact, the older I get, the more I find to be grateful for in the home, example, structure, challenges, and inspiration they provided for me and my siblings.

Definitely true: they inspired me at a very young age- in ways I didn’t yet understand- to get very good at this job. I love so much being able to help others have healthy, happy relationships. It’s an added joy that I get to live in my own cherishing, healthy relationship. That’s because I chose to do the work after lots of trial and error trying to figure it out on my own.

You don’t have to spend any more time trying to figure it out. Get on my call schedule and let’s see about getting you some answers.

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Letting Go; tips to help you do it

Letting go gets recommended a lot, by well-meaning individuals, by healing professionals, and by growth-minded communities.

“Just let it go.”

“You’ll feel better if you just let that go.”

“Let Go and Let God.”

Learning to let go is super important. In fact, having this skill firmly in hand is key to your growth. Still, many people struggle with it. They may say things to themselves like:

“I know I really need to let go, but…I’m not sure I’m ready to let go.”

“Do I want to let this go?”

“I can’t let this go.”

A hidden belief often reinforces such a stance. People have ideas about what should happen… if they just hold on tight! Or some fear about what might happen if they simply let go. Then there’s the talk about how hard it is to do. In fact:

Letting go is easy.

I often say to clients: “it’s only hard until it isn’t. It only feels hard. When you turn the corner, it’s super easy.” In fact, many things about being healthier are really, really simple. That doesn’t always mean it’s easy. But when it become easy, it’s super easy!

Letting go is one of the easiest things you will ever do.

It’s kind of counterintuitive because DOING it is all about NOT doing something else.

Don’t hold onto that. Don’t worry about that. Don’t let that take up your time, energy, and brain space.

But how, you ask?

These Tips will Help in Letting Go Intentionally

Once you realize and target the thing you fear will happen if you let go, or the thing you think you’re preventing by hanging on, it’s actually very simple.

Possible negative beliefs might be: If I let it go, he’ll get away with it; she’ll keep behaving like that; the kids won’t understand how awful he really is; people will judge me instead of her, or him, or them. If I let go, it means I never cared. If I hang on real tight, I can change the outcome.

Things we believe can drive us, even subconsciously, so if one of the above hits a nerve or you have a response like “well, that’s right! It’s not a negative belief” you may have just discovered your negative belief. (Psssst, none of the above statements are true.) If you need help getting to the bottom of your belief, any really good therapist can help with that. (I volunteer.)

Here’s a little exercise you can try in order to uncover it yourself:

Take a stab at what you think might happen if you let go, or what you’re preventing by holding on so tight. Write it down.

Then ask yourself, “so then what?” Write your response and do it again.

So, then what? Write your response, then ask again: so, then what?

Ask this until you get to the bottom and origin belief underneath all of it. That’s your driving negative belief.

Here’s a common example from my work with clients

If I let go of this resentment, it means I’m condoning his bad behavior. So then what?

If I condone his bad behavior, then it means what he did doesn’t matter. So then what?

If what he does doesn’t matter, does my pain matter? So then what?

If my pain doesn’t matter, do I even matter? So then what?

I can’t let go of this resentment or it means I don’t matter!

Don’t feel like doing that? Or don’t know what to do once you get to the bottom?

Try these:

1. Take a deep breath

Make it really deep. Now, let it out even more slowly than your inhale. Do this at least three times.

You don’t need to think about anything while you do this or focus on anything particular. But, if after three deep inhales and slow exhales, you can focus like this:

On the inhale, focus on the “worry” or the thing you’re holding onto.
On the exhale, breathe out the “worry” along with the air.

Do it more than once if you need to. Do it as often as the “worry” pops back up.

2. Practice the Existential Process

This is a method I teach clients so they can use it both in and out of session. It goes like this:

Identify reality as if it is a thing we could all agree on if it were posted on a marquee or banner. This is not interpretive. It’s just the facts, ma’am.

Let that wave of reality wash over you. We do physical gestures where one fist is a rock, the other hand is the wave of reality washing over the rock. Actually make the gesture; it’s not hokey, physical movement helps underscore new perceptions.

Then, “come to neutral.” Resist evaluating something as either good or bad. You’re neither condoning nor giving any energy to what should not be.

Take a nice exhale and relax.

I’m not foolish; I know it can be difficult to let go.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see when something is actually doing us harm. When we hang onto resentments, past wounds, old traumas, and negative thinking, it can feel as if we’re protecting ourselves. Sometimes we can think we’re “holding others accountable”. But we’re really just wasting our own energy. And that is a real waste of life!

As a result, it means we’re doing at least as much harm to ourselves as the original “worry” we’re hanging onto.

If it is difficult, get some support. Make sure you’re not resisting the wrong thing and inadvertently just adding more tension in your relationship with your particular “worry”. Pssst, your well-meaning friends are NOT a good source for this kind of support.

Employ a skilled therapist who can aid you in letting go of the right things and help you pay attention to the important things. You should not have to figure this out on your own.

Bottom line, the good news is that letting go is an easy skill you CAN develop with the right focus and guidance. Don’t waste more precious time and energy increasing your pain. Reach out and let me help. Let’s schedule a call to discuss ways we can work together.

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