Lots of people ask the question “does marriage counseling work?”
The answer depends on what you mean by “work”. Does it help? Will you grow?
Will it save your sanity or help you make a decision about staying or splitting?
Absolutely YES!
Will it save your marriage? I gave a complex answer HERE, but ultimately that answer is maybe… for the most part, yes… if you do the work. (It’s still a tricky answer isn’t it? Sorry about that, but it’s what I really see.) I cover in that article the ONE thing that will certainly cost you your marriage. And I wrote HERE about the two things you must have in order for marriage counseling to work to save your marriage.
Will marriage counseling teach you about perspective, about skills within relationship, and about how to be a better mate?
Yes. If marriage counseling is any good at all, it will definitely cover those things.
Most Marriage Counseling will help with that.
But good marriage counseling (honestly, the only kind worth investing in) will get to the heart of what keeps coming up as a recurring conflict and a distressing pattern in your relationship. Good marriage counseling will address the parts in you and in the relationship that resist using those skills or being a better mate when it’s hard. That’s where the rubber meets the road.
After all, if you could just do what you know would work in the relationship, you wouldn’t need someone else to help you.
You don’t need Relationship Skills
Not yet, anyway. You probably already have plenty of those.
You can read all about the Five Love Languages, about your Love Tank, or learning each other’s Love Maps and the Sound Relationship House. Studying about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will definitely predict a relationship’s demise. You can read all the self-help and personal development ever published. (Actually maybe you can’t given that there are so.many.books on the subject, but you know what I mean).
What ALL of those sources cannot supply is enough leverage to do the real growing needed for YOU, in particular, to show up differently in your relationship, in real time, and in real life. Especially when you feel triggered and challenged. If everything were just smooth sailing, a marriage relationship would be easy, wouldn’t it?
Reading books also cannot supply your partner with motivation to change.
That’s what good marriage counseling helps you uncover together.
Good marriage counseling is a process of working together- all three of us- to address core issues. Good marriage counseling will provide support along with sustained motivation to continue forward progress.
You also don’t need Conflict-resolution Skills
All the knowledge in the world about conflict-resolution skills is not going to matter in the moment.
This isn’t something you do just because you have an awareness of your go-to stance and the pattern in your relationship.
Every single one of us takes our go-to stance for a very good reason and knowing the reason does not shift its power in the moment. We don’t resolve conflicts just by knowing why we do something or why our partner does something and then simply learning a different skill.
Many counselors start by teaching conflict resolution, improving communication, and even uncovering why you do what you do in relationships. That can be fascinating. It seems like the answer. But going that route is much more work and, in fact, it takes a lot longer than truly effective marriage counseling.
Here’s what does work
You need to know how to shift from your go-to stance to a more helpful perspective and movement when conflict arises.
Knowing how to shift happens when we get to the core of the need for that go-to stance and then effectively replace that need at a very deep level with something that serves the individual and the relationship. That’s what really makes a difference in how you show up in relationship.
This is core-level transformation and it’s actually much easier than it sounds. But you must have a good marriage counselor using the right powerful methods.
And don’t worry; this is not about being a different type of person. You don’t have to worry about losing yourself or surrendering your identity. Good marriage counseling is really about being a healthier version of yourselves.
The one thing that doesn’t work in marriage counseling:
Talk therapy.
Doing talk therapy around marriage issues will not work. You do not need to rehearse and rehash your complaints. Marriage Counseling is not a place for unbridled self-expression, tattling on your partner for all their misdeeds and perceived misdeeds, or playing whack-a-mole with each topic of contention that arises.
A marriage counselor is not a facilitator or referee. She’s not someone to help you hash out each disagreement you’ve been having about who does what labor around the house, for example.
Those issues are merely a symptom of what’s going on in the relationship and a good marriage counselor does not need you to replay conflicts or arguments.
Specific issues may serve as salient examples of core issues. So we WILL talk about what’s going on.
You just won’t be able to use a good marriage counselor as a referee. You also won’t be able to spend time doing with the counselor what you normally do at home. That’s a waste of everyone’s investment of time, energy, and your money.
Making Marriage Counseling effective
Here’s how good marriage counseling works here:
I’ll assess the negative patterns in your relationship.
We’ll talk about how you’re made and how you move through the world.
We’ll talk about your core issues.
One of our first goals is to do no more harm. To the relationship, to ourselves, and to one another. We’ll cover exactly how to do that with respect for both of you.
Then, we get down to the work of repairing what’s broken between you with core-level transformation and researched, evidence-based methods that heal. You. Your partner. And the relationship.
Good Marriage Counseling is not neutral
We ALL have core issues, so it’s not a matter of your partner being the one with “the issues”. Having issues is central to being human. We respect that. (In fact, it’s part of what we embrace as part of Whole Human Therapy. You don’t have to geek out about the theory, but you can explore more at that link if you want.)
One of you may, however, be doing more damage to the relationship than the other. A good marriage counselor will see that clearly and proceed skillfully with appropriate support and challenge. Effective, good intervention from the counselor is a combination of tender regard for the adaptations and behaviors we humans employ, and the ability to hold a firm standard about what it means to be relational.
After all, when you do couples work, the relationship becomes the client. Together we work on the relationship. Our collective end-goal is to create a loving relationship that honors, nourishes, and fulfills both members of it.
Good marriage counseling is not about being permissive or neutral regarding doing damage to the relationship. And it holds space for both of you while holding each of you accountable. It’s an art as much as science. You are going to need someone highly skilled with this.
In addition, there ARE conditions that may need to be addressed before good couples work can take effect. I wrote about all of them right here. A good marriage counselor won’t gloss over those. As soon as she’s aware of them, she’ll broach them in session. With care, of course. With strength and the firmness a good marriage counselor can implement.
Does Marriage Counseling ever Not Work?
Unfortunately, it IS possible for marriage counseling to be ineffective. There ARE marriage counselors out there who are good people, well-intended, but not very skilled. Some counselors take only a surface-level approach because that’s either what they’re comfortable handling or they just haven’t done deeper work themselves. Other couples counselors are skilled at thinking through things. But thinking only gets you so far when it comes to love.
And hey, you and your partner might prefer to do work sheets and study one another’s Love Maps, or to concentrate on what IS working, or demonstrate love and care through effortful application of the Love Languages or some other target behavior change. You might really like applying IFS (Internal Family Systems) or using an Imago model. Maybe you really are looking for your relationship to solve issues of attachment and dysregulation. You might like the appeal of working on more emotional engagement and being more attuned to one another. Emotion Focused Couples Therapy sounds like a lovely promise, doesn’t it?
Those are all modalities for couples work that I am well-versed in and do not use because I’ve found something much more effective.
Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely will work on ALL the parts that make your marriage more relational and fulfilling for both of you. We all support that end-goal.
But, surface-level, brain-based, or behavioral change approaches just don’t permanently solve any real problems.
You do not have to make this more complicated than necessary.
You don’t have to waste time, energy, or money trying everything else.
And if you’re considering marriage counseling, then getting to the bottom of those problems, actually healing them, and then crafting a solution- one you can implement in the moment- is imperative.
Most of my clients are really smart. They have worked hard to succeed. Maybe they’ve tried several approaches already. They have significant knowledge and they have done a lot of growing. All of that is good. I honor ALL of those efforts and ALL of that growth.
Still, something is coming up in their primary relationship that feels too frustrating, too familiar, and threatens, not just their marriage, but their very happiness as well.
Is that you? I can help.
If you’re ready for something that really moves the needle and works long-term in your primary love relationship, get on my schedule for a FREE consultation call. I am eager to hear what’s going on for you and I’ll let you know exactly how I can help.
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