Don’t worry; a good couples counselor is assessing more than just your relationship. Often when you’re heading to couples counseling (maybe for the first time) you have some anxiety. That’s very common and absolutely normal as you contemplate bearing your soul with a stranger. Rest assured, a good couples counselor will help ease this. Remember, this is not her first rodeo, even if it is yours. A good couples counselor knows exactly what to look for and how to help you.
Worried about these things?
Maybe you think your partner will charm the couples counselor and as a result “get away” with bad behavior in session or out. Maybe you think the counselor will be just as confused as you are by their excuses or explanations. Could it be that the counselor won’t have enough chutzpah to confront bad behavior?
Worry no more. A good couples counselor has this well in hand. We’ll cover three key things to look for when you interview a candidate, but first it’s important to clarify a couple of things.
Good couples counseling very likely isn’t what you imagine it to be.
You may have the impression that couples counseling is “neutral”. That it’s the counselor’s job to be “objective” or “fair”, to facilitate some kind of understanding between the two of you, like an arbitrator or a mediator.
Maybe you have an idea the counselor is a referee whose job it is to allow you to attempt to resolve a conflict and parse out who is right or wrong, fighting fairly or not. Or maybe you think it’s her job to unpack your last conflict and teach you what you should have done.
Many people think a couples counselor is an objective third party ready to pronounce a winner!
Good couples counseling doesn’t waste time on any of this. Truly good couples counseling does not play “whack a mole” with your problems. And as a result, it’s much more effective. A skilled couples counselor gets right to the core of your relational pattern and will help you grow in order to create a healthy relationship.
Everything you gain -and there will be personal gains even if the relationship should not be salvaged- is yours to keep forever. I’ll say more about this below, but first:
People are confused about good couples counseling for good reason.
Sometimes people want a neutral third party to decide who’s right. They may actually long for someone to help them “duke it out in a fair fight”. They really want someone to take their side, pronounce them “the winner”, or to feel quite justified that their partner is “the bad guy” and they are “the good guy”!
Often there IS an imbalance of power in the relationship, and whoever feels they’re getting the short stick can long for someone “on their side” who will help convince, persuade, or change their partner.
Others fear the couples counselor will tell them that they are in the wrong; they are doing it wrong; they are bad, failing, coming up short, or some other version of “just not good enough”. The mere thought of such a pronouncement can feel overwhelming and risky! Especially if they already feel they’re doing “more than their fair share” of emotional work in the relationship.
Furthermore, television and movies can add to the misconceptions about counseling. Most often, the cinematic portrayal of couples counseling perpetuates erroneous ideas of neutrality, reffing a conflict, or choosing a winner of the relationship! Keep in mind, such a scene is used for dramatic (or comedic) effect. It’s not a true representation of what actually goes on in couples counseling! It’s not real. Even “reality TV” or podcast excerpts can misrepresent the process of good couples counseling since both formats are heavily edited.
None of that is one bit helpful. If a counselor allows that or takes that role, fire them! They are not a good couples counselor. Here are three major things to evaluate when searching for your couples counselor:
Good couples counseling follows a framework.
Ask anyone you interview what they use. Read their website and find out how they work. Don’t settle for a cursory answer either. Good couples counselors should publish the methods on their website. They should be able to articulate the way they work.
Don’t know exactly what to look for? Here’s a quick run-down:
Anyone who mentions Gottmann is going to have you do a lot of brain-based activity to experience your relationship. You’ll be invited to change behavior and to change the way you think about things. You’ll be given homework to do. Think worksheets. This can appeal to cerebral types. I don’t recommend it since it fails to get to the heart of relationships. After all, intimate partnerships must incorporate and respect the feelings of the individuals in them. If your relationship doesn’t incorporate this, what you’re living in is a transactional relationship. You deserve much more than that.
If someone mentions EFT (Emotion Focused Therapy), you’ll be invited to be more empathetic toward your mate. EFT challenges couples to become more, not less, responsible for one another. This can actually foster a really unhealthy dynamic, especially in pairings where there’s already an imbalance of power and one person is doing more of the emotional heavy lifting. It can have a devastating effect where there is a lot of confusion about who’s responsible for what.
If a counselor uses cognitive behavior therapy or they don’t talk at all about the way they conduct couples counseling, be suspicious! They may not have a clue what they’re doing. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be effective treating the symptom of depression, but you need better methods when dealing with the complexities of intimate relationship.
Even worse than them being inept, spending time with a counselor who does not have a fully developed and effective couples counseling framework can do more harm than good. Especially because disrupted relationships are, in themselves, very painful.
I’ll talk about the framework I use at the end of this article. In the meantime, the second thing to look for is…
Good couples counseling is NOT neutral
Most relationships are not a 50/50 mess. That’s why any good couples counselor understands she is NOT there to help you “fight fair” and remain neutral. If you’re expecting “equal time” or the right to “have your say” you have the wrong idea about couples counseling.
Of course, she’ll hear from each of you, but a good couples counselor won’t need to ask you each the same questions. There should be no “tit for tat” in any single session. A counselor who proceeds like this really doesn’t have anything helpful to give you. Find someone better.
A good couples counselor will assess the patterns in your relationship. She’s also looking for underlying issues each of you may struggle with. Then, she’ll proceed to give you skills and growth challenges (aka assignments) that match the way you’re made, how you process, and how you move through the world. Some challenges will be the same for both partners, but often they will be very different.
Be assured, no matter what your situation, your couples counselor is rooting for you. And a really good counselor will know who needs to grow in what way in order to create a healthy relationship together.
Do your assignments and stay out of your partner’s business while they are doing theirs. Remember, no one is “winning therapy”! If you do your work, your gains are yours to keep forever.
Finally…
Liking your couples counselor matters and liking requires testing.
Keep a consultation call before you book a session. If they don’t offer free consultation calls, do not waste your time, energy, and money exploring couples counseling with them….EVEN if your insurance covers the session. The one thing in life you are never getting back is your time, so don’t waste it prepping, arranging all the schedules, and then testing by going through a first (or intake) session.
You need to know if you like the counselor and that only comes from having a conversation. The fastest way to do that is with a consultation call.
When you get on the phone, a good couples counselor will want to know what YOU are experiencing. She will want to hear the story of your relationship -whatever parts you think are important- in order to assure you she knows she can help.
Don’t worry. You don’t have to cover everything in a short conversation. She might cut you off because she has enough information or she might ask for different information. Don’t be surprised by this. A good couples counselor is trained to listen and assess during this call. Largely without you realizing it, she’ll already be demonstrating the skills she’ll use in sessions.
You are asking yourself two questions:
1. Do I like her?
Of course this is subjective. That’s as it should be.
2. Can she help?
Does she work from an effective framework?
That’s ALL you need to consider in the phone consultation. Nothing else. Do I like her? Can she help me? If yes, book an appointment and jump in. I always recommend sticking with a well-vetted therapist for 6-8 sessions. But if you get some ICK vibes in the early sessions, remember you are always free to jump ship and find someone better.
My Framework
Every relationship is unique, no exceptions. Individuals are exquisitely unique. I’ll assess the patterns in your relationship and let you know what I see.
You might already be aware of the patterns; you’re living inside them, after all. You may even know what you should do instead. If awareness alone were enough to create healthy relationships you’d already have done it by now!
Or you might feel stuck and utterly confused.
You’ve probably heard (or read) a lot about good relationship. You might wisely think the key to better relationship is
- better or more communication
- getting your partner to do something good for the relationship
- getting your partner to stop doing something that’s harming the relationship
No worries. We will get to all of that.
First, we have to do the underlying work so that you both CAN change the patterns and the behavior.
I’ll teach you what to do when emotions run hot and the stakes are high.
I specialize in relationship disruption.
Think of as any experience that has resulted in a disruption to your nervous system. It might be a bengative pattern, a betrayal, or anything you experience as relationship threatening.
That disruption can show up by you feeling triggered, suddenly anxious, fearful, overwhelmed, flooded, shut down, going cold, feeling numb, experiencing sudden anger or even feeling rageful.
It can manifest in your relationship as a confusing repetitive pattern, having the same argument over and over, getting no resolution in a conflict, and result in increasing resentments or a turning away from one another.
Those patterns, arguments, and tensions can be loud or they can be very quiet, but for certain, they are interfering with having a peaceful, fulfilling relationship. But you already know that. I know these things don’t change with wishful thinking, just getting on with it, or pushing down and ignoring the issues. They will reoccur and resurface until they’re truly healed.
So let’s do that. I can help.
There is hope. There is a solution for every problem you’re facing and healing for every wound.
Read more about the way I practice Whole Human Therapy here. If you’re ready to get on my consultation schedule, click below. Let’s talk soon.
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