The question, “how will I ever trust again?” is one I hear from clients all the time when a partner has betrayed them.
It gets more complex, but the short and sweet answer is “you shouldn’t.”
They’ve just done something to reveal they’re not worthy of that trust. So, there’s no way you should extend that trust right now.
Will you ever be able to trust again?
“Signs point to yes.”
You might recognize that answer from the children’s game, “Eight Ball” where you ask any question, shake up the oversized plastic eight ball, turn it over, and a multi-sided die floating in colored water rises to the top of the peering hole, revealing your answer.
Still, you don’t have to rely on wishing or hoping or even trying hard in order to get back to trusting. Extending trust again is not appropriate initially. But there really IS an effective process to all of this.
Here’s what needs to happen first.
Most people, (heck, even most counselors) will tell you the offender needs to do x, y, and z to earn back your trust and prove that they can be trusted again.
Most of that is entirely misguided. It’s natural to want it, but it has nothing to do with lasting change. That’s because x, y, and z have to do with forcing behavior change and behavior can always be faked. But only for a time.
Know what cannot be faked? Core-level characterological change.
When that shift has happened, then and only then, it’s time to extend trust again.
But how will you know it has happened?
You need the right process through the pain of shattered trust.
Everyone, including many well-meaning, (but misguided) therapists want to set up a set of rules for the offender: highest transparency, total disclosure, a crash course in new communication and relationship skills. And IF the offender complies, THEN the relationship can proceed.
It’s normal and natural to have these expectations. But, don’t do it. Not only is it not effective, it will cause you MORE PAIN and waste time and energy.
Most people want to bargain their pain away. When a partner has betrayed them, the (seemingly) easiest thing to do is to “get back to” when “things were good” and they trusted their partner. That seems easier than processing the pain. It’s actually a lot HARDER.
Betrayed partners (and lots of therapists) want to know: Why did this happen? What’s wrong with you? or the relationship? or me? Those answers are endless and they aren’t truly helpful.
Psssst, there’s a lot wrong with ALL of us and ALL relationships are unique and complicated so, while tempting, those are the WRONG questions to start with.
But what do you do instead?
You want to SUFFER LESS. The pain of infidelity is intense all on its own. Do not make it worse by doing what causes you more pain.
1. STOP reading about infidelity and affair recovery with a google search and prune the topic from your social media feeds. The information there is truly unhelpful garbage. And don’t let ChatGPT spew “wisdom”. AI does not have it figured out.
You need QUALITY information when you’re facing this challenge.
2. Focus on yourself while you get your bearings. The temptation to focus on your mate and what they are doing (or not doing) is intense. That’s why it’s going to take concerted effort to pay attention to yourself.
3. Get help. Choose a professional experienced and mature in their approach to recovery after infidelity. You should get help managing your own pain in the first session. If you don’t, move on.
Here’s how I help
I take clients through a FIVE stage process from Crisis Ambivalence all the way to Relationship 2.0. And we proceed through them, not in a perfectly linear manner, but in a way that truly helps.
We don’t SKIP parts of the healing or try to gloss over the hard stuff.
We engage specific therapeutic activities for each stage. Together, we meet clear objectives before moving on to the next set of activities. And there’s a “theme song” or guiding principle we all keep in the forefront of our minds as we move forward together.
Relationships have been, not just saved, and not just restored, but healed from the inside out. People have graduated from treatment whole, healed, well, and fully equipped for secure, lasting, and fulfilling partnership.
If that sounds good to you, let’s get started. Choose a free consultation or jump into a first session, but get on the schedule while I’m taking new clients. I can’t wait to help!
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