Your complete recovery after infidelity depends on getting the right help. When you’re already in tons of pain, how do you know who to turn to? What a nightmare!
Infidelity is one of the hardest challenges people face in life. No matter what, it’s a challenge for each of you.
If you’re the betrayed partner, you’ve probably googled like crazy. You’ve been listening to podcasts, reading articles, buying books. Maybe you’ve contacted a therapist or enrolled in an online course. And you’ve sent links to your partner.
If you’re the offender, you’re probably wishing this could all go away. Of course you feel terrible. Maybe you’ve done some soul searching or cooperated with your mate’s agenda at first. But it gets old being the bad one.
The Worst Part of Infidelity Recovery
You might think the worst part is how painful your reality is. You’re spinning, wondering how did this happen?
It could be you’re so incredibly angry or ashamed and you just can’t get your partner to listen and understand where you’re coming from.
Maybe you just don’t want to talk about it at all.
Maybe the worst for you is not knowing what’s going to happen with the relationship. In truth, you might not know if you even want the relationship to work. Do you stay or go? And how do you decide? Make no mistake, ambivalence is painful!
Any and all of that is really bad.
Want to know what I think is the absolute worst?
The worst part, by far, is that people can’t find good, effective help. It’s because the “prevailing wisdom” is everywhere. And the prevailing wisdom is not helpful.
The Wrong “Help” is EASY to find.
And the wrong approach after infidelity won’t help you recover. In fact, it makes this worse.
Consequently, perfectly viable relationships end in utter heartbreak and both people end up limping along, wounded, trying to recover on their own or in the next relationship… for the rest of their lives.
Here’s how this happens.
Sad Truth about Infidelity Recovery
I have good news, so hang in there. But first, let me share some of the sad truth.
Infidelity Treatment is hard for your counselor too. Unless he or she has lived through it and fully recovered, there’s a ton of potential for what is called counter-transference. That’s when your therapist’s own issues get in the way of them treating you effectively.
If they’ve ever had a partner cheat, a parent cheat, or been unfaithful themselves….and they haven’t worked through all the stuff surrounding it, your therapist’s biases and issues are going to come out! (And if they have no personal experience with infidelity, why on earth would you trust them to help you?)
What is the “protection” from this? It’s actually built into any therapist licensing program: we all receive basically the same training for treating infidelity. That “safe structure” enables counselors to treat couples and blame the couple if they “don’t respond well to the protocol.”
Trouble is, the protocol for treating infidelity doesn’t actually work. At all.
Nine and a half times out of ten, it makes things much worse, stirs up resentment and pain, recycles and reinforces the unhealthy relationship patterns, and offers no real solution at all.
Then it drags on for months and months; sometimes years. OR maybe just until one or both of you get exhausted and you quit. You move onto the next thing, or hang in there for the kids… but nothing is resolved, the pain hasn’t actually gone away, you still have all the crud just lingering under the surface.
Yuck! We don’t want that.
The Good News
I know what does work…
for couples interested in recovering or deciding about the relationship,
or for individuals dealing with the pain on either side of this,
for women (especially) who’ve had a partner betray them.
It comes from years working with couples, with individuals on either side of this, from doing my own recovery, and from trial (and some initial error) with all of it.
I learn. And when I do, I share.
Good Help is Priceless
And the wrong help is not just worthless, it’s costly.
Most therapists won’t treat couples when there’s an active affair, yet, this is one of the most painful times for their relationship…for both partners. The requirement itself actually encourages more lying and things just get worse.
If there is any more contact with the affair partner after “an agreement” or a “transparency contract” then all hell breaks loose. Hearts are even more deeply wounded. The “one chance” of getting this right is gone and things just get worse.
Most therapists leave people alone to make the decision to stay or go. Right when you need help making sense of this, you’re told it’s up to you. While you’re floundering and in pain, how are you supposed to know? In the meantime, things just get worse.
Infidelity Recovery is Different Here
First, we stop the bleeding. That means we go to the source of the wound, and put the right kind of pressure on it so you can stop wasting energy. It’s not just a bandage for the pain, anger, worry, or shame. It’s triage and treatment for what is causing the most pain right now.
Next, we do no more harm- to you, the relationship, or the other person. It lets pressure off the situation and helps give time for clarity. Sometimes you can see what’s causing more harm but you just can’t seem to shift away from it. That’s where my treatment and techniques come into play.
Finally, together we consider the right balance of responsibility. You need this perspective in order to heal. More often than not, it’s not what you think right this minute. (Hint: it’s not all you, all him, and it’s not 50/50 either.) This stage is where we work on communication and other relationship skills capitalizing on strengths you already possess.
I can help. And I love doing it.
If you as a couple are ready to invest in your recovery, let’s get started. If you aren’t sure you want to stay in the relationship, don’t worry. I can help you decide within about 12 weeks or 8 sessions.
Are you an individual wanting to heal or figure this out? If you’re the offender, check out the book I wrote directly to you. Many betrayed partners have found it enlightening as well. Either way, I’m happy to work with one or both of you.
Couples or Individuals looking for one-on-one sessions, use the CONTACT form to connect and schedule a phone call. We’ll chat for about 15 minutes so I can hear what’s going on for you. I’ll let you know how I can help.
Women who have had a partner cheat, I have your solution and answer. My mission to help more people faster led me to develop the Infidelity Recovery Fast Track for women. APPLY HERE and let’s talk about your solution.
Don’t waste any more time, energy, and money on things that just make this worse. You deserve good help right now.