Choices and Guilt

Call him an old soul; we do sometimes.

What would you give to be free of shame and guilt? I bet you’ve been on a few guilt trips in your lifetime.

My son, age 22, speaks precise truths that took me 45 years to learn. The hard way. Well, okay, maybe 40 years. And my youngest son helped me learn.

I can’t quote verbatim because his words are more precise. They hold in their brevity more than I can possibly capture. Here’s my best try:

“We only have so much time on the planet. I make choices by asking myself ‘will this add value to my life or to the life of someone important to me? Will it matter?’ If the answer is no, I don’t waste my time.”

And he does not feel guilty about his choices. That also is a “waste of time.”

HE DOES NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HIS CHOICES. EVER.

He allows that he doesn’t have to make perfect ones, after all. He does not have to never miss out on something. He doesn’t even think that way, in fact. He shows up for his own life and lives it. I know part of this is the way he’s made and it comes easier to him than to some of us.

I love this about him.

I know some of the hard he’s experienced in life encourages such vision. I wouldn’t wish it on others even though he has grown into a fine man (whose frontal lobe probably closed about 4 years ahead of schedule!)

I love this about him too.

Such perspective is rare for his age, but it’s a good one we can learn at any age – even those of us who’ve spent years responding to the pull of shame and the leverage of the guilt trip.

And those of us who have actually repeated such techniques on others can (and will almost naturally) STOP doing this to others when we stop doing it to ourselves.

Magic almost. Miracle, if you prefer.

Health! Ahhhhhh yes.

There’s enormous freedom in living like this. And I’m convinced it doesn’t have to feel like artful tight-rope-walking between self-centered asshole and sappy, people-pleaser doormat. It does get comfortable.

As in, true-nature-comfortable, not zero-conflict-ever-comfortable.

Be encouraged!

Because sometimes there IS fall-out from living like this. At least until other people get used to the change. You’re upsetting relationship status, after all.

And for some of us, this means learning to carry our own pain and to NOT shoulder others’ pain. The good news is our own pain is not going to kill us. It’s only pain.

Everyone else’s pain piled on us might kill us.

It might cost us more than we can afford to pay. It might keep us from being awake for the good. It might cost us our very selves.

Taking responsibility for our own lives, knowing, allowing that our choices will not be perfect is the beginning of healthy relationship.

Far from being selfish, making choices that honor our limits and respects our own values frees others to do the same. Then, when we connect with those we love, it’s a healthy decision and a joyful experience, free from the weight of obligation and guilt.

Saying all this is easier than weathering the weight of guilt the first time you do something different. I realize that.

Still, I know what it’s like both ways. I know which is better. You will get over the guilt when you realize it keeps you trapped. And you will allow the shame to drop away and never attach to you again when you realize how much life and freedom awaits.

Need help getting there? It’s my job. Let’s get started.

Just Right for Love

You are not too much or too little, too short, too fat, too old, or too broken for love, ladies. You are just right! And it’s okay to want to be part of a Two. I’ll help you get there.

Today, it’s “Ladies, listen up” and “Gents, listen in.” There’s stuff for each of you here.

Guess what, Beauties? You’re perfect for love. Right now. You are not too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too weird, too old, too much, too little, too in-debt, or too broken for love. You’re NOT! You are just right.

Think about it. What is that thing you’re telling yourself you’ll DO before you open your heart to love again?

Lose 20 pounds? Get your children perfectly reared and out on their happy way? Establish a secure retirement? Afford Botox, or microdermabrasion, fix your varicose veins, try laser hair removal, get a make-over, run your first half-marathon, attain top management in your job, save the world?!

Do you tell yourself (and others) you’re too busy to date? Your girlfriends are where it’s at right now. You’ll just focus on your children and grandchildren. All the good men are taken and if they’re not, you’ll believe it when you see it?!

Two things keep us trapped. One is the belief we must meet some ideal just short of perfection or we are going to be rejected and overtaken by younger, thinner, taller, (or more petite) more demure, and cunning women. In short, we must be perfect.

After all, everyone knows a man is comparing the real women in his life to the women in a magazine! (More on this in just a minute.) How pathetic, we think. To get to this age and have men still judge us on beauty and sex appeal and helplessness. It’s hardly fair.

It doesn’t help us like ourselves. Or men for that matter.

Secondly, we have embraced to the fiber, cell, and breath of our being the belief we do not need a man in order to be happy! By God, we are going to do it ourselves! We do not need a man! And we will prove it until our dying breath if we must.

In our weak, tender, lonely moments we think, well, if a truly good man were to prove his worth to us by artfully pursuing us atop his shiny, white steed, maybe, maybe then we’d reconsider. If he did all the right things.

As it is, he doesn’t call when he says he will.

We thought we were the only one he was dating just to find out he was seeing two other women at the same time.

He cleaned off my car windshield without even asking?! What is he trying to say? Does he think I’m a helpless girl and can’t do that myself?

Welp, there’s a good reason he’s divorced, we think aloud. Another creep bites the dust.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are some creeps in mid-life dating. There are absolute rule-out, do-not-consider-for-another-minute-no-matter-how-great-the-sex red flags. And some of us are ignoring these, hoping to reform a 50-some-year-old Boy into a Good Guy.

That does not happen, ladies.

And it’s not our job to fix them. Let’s do let these boys be boys. We’re interested in Real Men, in the Good Guys, right? They exist.

Some of us can’t recognize a Real Man from a Boy. And that’s not his fault.

Here’s a hint: Boys actually DO expect middle-age women to be in supremo, tip-top physical condition. They ARE still evaluating women based on how good she will make him look. They DO think women should look like the ideal of beauty they’ve been fed. Here’s a newsflash, ladies. These men do not understand relationship yet AND they don’t even really like us. They have issues.

(This is not to say men don’t want us to be attractive, but Real Men who like Real Women actually DO find us naturally alluring and beautiful. In lots of different shapes and sizes and colors. Trust me, there’s a man who will love your female form, I’m sure of it! And, I’ll help you find him.)

Meanwhile, we’ve got our own issues.

We have very good reason for the belief we do not need a man. We’ve been hurt and disappointed, heart-broken and confused by our lack of success in love. We’ve grown up in the era that saw the bra burned and wages stay unequal. We were some of the first women to actually have it all only to watch it crumble when he had sucked all the life out of us or stopped seeing us altogether or cheated and left.

We have very good reason to believe we need to be perfect before we deserve to be loved. We are smart, after all, and this must be the missing piece of the puzzle. It couldn’t possibly be something simpler.

Or could it?

What if the pain inherent in our experience with love and dating were relatively easy to shift? What if it’s just a matter of healing in a few key ways? What if it’s not about trying harder and doing more and being better? Would you invest a little time and energy and money in learning that?

I would.

I did.

But before I found answers, I invested a whole lot of heartache and anger, trial and error. I invested years of my life (and my children’s lives) trying harder to do better and be better and fix everything. Then I found something that actually helped me see and recognize Boys, leave them behind and appreciate wonderful, quality men so I could enjoy good, peaceful love.

It’s my mission to help you find a way to enjoy a healthy love too. No matter where you are right now, I can help you get to relationship with a Good Guy that works.

I know things that will save you pain, time, heartache, anguish, & embarrassment and actually attract a good man capable of loving you well. I’ll share lots of it right here, so follow me and get alerts when I post about this topic.

Don’t wait! Register NOW and come have dinner and drinks; bring the girls and your smart, sassy self! No matter where you are right now in your readiness for Midlife Dating, Mating, and Relating this Girls’ night out is seriously going to be a blast!

Is it time to talk to someone?

When someone says “maybe you should talk to someone” you know they mean, “see a therapist”. But is that what you need to do right now?

Your doctor, a family member, or a trusted friend might say so. They could be right and it can be helpful to get “outside” feedback from those you trust. Still, we are so accustomed to “doing it ourselves” or feel we “should” be able to figure it out that this strong belief can muddy a relatively simple decision.

Definitely get help if you or someone in your care is experiencing or expressing suicidal or homicidal thoughts no matter how “serious” you think they are or are not.

Definitely get help if you or someone in your care is hurting her/him-self in any manner, no matter how “mild” it seems.

Definitely get help if you recognize that you or someone in your care is hurting other people verbally, emotionally, or physically.

That said, sometimes it’s not that clear. After all, there are multiple things to READ and try on the internet or in self-help books that promise a cure. And you haven’t yet tried everything! Plus, you’re resourceful, smart, and have gotten this far.

So, when is it time?

If even one of the following is true over a span of two weeks or more, it’s time for professional HUMAN help:

your situation keeps you awake at night or
wakes you up in the middle of the night or
is on your mind first thing in the morning
your work feels significantly more stressful than normal or
you’ve received feedback that your personal life is interfering at work
a friend or colleague has tried to end a conversation when you need to talk
you don’t take pleasure in things you used to enjoy
you’ve been researching solutions on the internet
you purchased a self-help book or people are “gifting” them to you
people are giving you (solicited and unsolicited) advice about how to manage
anything you’re experiencing is uncomfortable enough to make it significant to you
you have a question about your specific situation (or a bunch of questions)

Or, if it’s about your children, no matter their ages, here’s when to look for help:

your children become depressed (lethargic)
or anxious (agitated)
or angry (acting out)
your children develop stomach aches
they’re getting in trouble at school
their grades have tanked

When any of these things become a part of life, reach out to a trained professional.

Life happens to all of us.

Loss happens to all of us. Unfortunately, you don’t get a gold star for “white-knuckling it”. You don’t get credit for NOT asking for help.

But you’ll get MORE than a gold star when you include therapy or coaching as your go-to resource. It can change your life for good and forever.

The rewards of good “therapy” are intrinsic: less pain, reversal of symptoms, access to a warm, knowledgeable, and specifically helpful human, validation of your process, skills to manage in the best ways known to man, an ongoing resource for any future disruption.

Therapy isn’t necessarily easy.

Overall, it should decrease your pain. It will also challenge you. A good therapist will help provide the right balance of support and challenge in order to help get you where you want to be.

Growth can be painful. Change is hard. Trust is hard for some of us. Meeting someone new and sharing wounds is hard for nearly everyone. Pain is pain. Grief sucks no matter its shape or source.

The way through is not always simple or easy, yet it’s worth trying to find the right trained person.

Your resources of time, energy, and (probably) money are limited, so you want to know you will connect with someone you 1. like 2. trust and 3. know is skilled to help in your situation.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you skip to the perfect connection. (If you didn’t already see this, I’ve provided some quick guidance for choosing a good fit.)

I know I’m not the right person for everyone -though I wish I could be- so it’s also not a matter of me just saying, “come here; I can help.” But if you hear me saying that to you, well, then do come here and let’s connect!

Most importantly, if any of the above list fits your situation, then it IS time to find a professional someone to help.

Before you date again

What are the first things you want to know before jumping back into the pool of “plenty of fish?”

How to stay away from the slimy, stinky ones? Maybe you’re just wishing you could skip all the painful parts.

If you’re angry at all the advice about “wait a year” and “go find yourself first,” I’m here to tell you that is soooo normal! You should be angry! Who is this person telling you what you need to do? (here’s an example of a checklist for becoming self-actualized before dating again)

You are in pain!

It’s just overwhelming thinking about all the obstacles you must first overcome before you are going to get to the relationship you really want again! If it can ever work, that is!

Besides, when pain is your reality, a year feels like FOR-ehhhhh-VERRRRRR. (Sandlot, anyone?)

I bet you get equally annoyed when people answer your earnest question “when IS the right time to re-enter the dating world?” with “only you can answer that question.” That’s no help!

I might scandalize hoards of people, but truly, let’s cut to the chase about a few concerns:

Either you are wondering when it will EVER be an “appropriate” time to HAVE SEX again, (based on your values and this strangely shifting dating scene) or you may just want to stay away from any potential mates altogether.

Maybe you feel both ways in between secretly, literally, crying in your coffee. Maybe it’s easy enough finding willing sex partners but that has nothing to do with finding the committed relationship you actually want.

Everyone knows that late at night, in the cold dark of your single-occupied bed is THE TIME, no matter what, when you come painfully face-to-face with the reality of your new single-hood.

Have I said that sucks? It does!

Rather than assure you by saying “you will figure this out; you’ll know when the time is right” or give you a list of MUST-DO-FIRSTS, here are a couple of things that RIGHT NOW can be a small comfort.

Keep in mind your pain is real. It’s normal. It IS painful. Oh man, it hurts! Sometimes it hurts to breathe!
Put your pain in perspective. Humans get to experience pain. It is part of what makes us human. That said… (don’t get mad at me for this one-it comes from a really smart, sweet, older woman who had learned a thing or two by the time I heard her share it…)
Tell yourself the truth about your pain: It’s not going to kill you; it’s only your own pain. Make it a sweet, soothing “mantra”, if you like. “It’s not going to kill me; it’s only my own pain.” (Bonus nugget of truth that helps lots of people: when you learn to experience your own pain instead of taking on everyone else’s or trying to AVOID IT,- through busy-ness or denial- there’s actually LESS of it.) “It’s just my own pain.” Try that one on for size.
On the practical side, make your bed a sanctuary of COMFORT. Get new sheets and bedding, new pillows that DON’T smell like or remind you of your ex-lover. Make it YOUR space. And then sleep in the middle, thrash about with abandon and SPREAD OUT, man! if you need to cry there, go ahead. (This works for women AND MEN!)
Be grateful. Seriously. Count whatever you can. No matter what your spiritual approach and even if you don’t really engage one, noticing the good not only multiplies it (you notice MORE!) but it increases your daily satisfaction.

It’s not rocket science. Simple things can make a big difference. Of course, you know I’m going to tell you to find a skilled, trustworthy counselor or coach. Of course!

Midlife Dating, Mating, and Relating

What makes Midlife Love so challenging?

You’d think midlife love would be a piece of cake. After all, we don’t have the same naivete we possessed as young 20-somethings just starting out. Now that we’re a little older, we’re supposed to be wiser. Yet, honestly, for many of us, we’re not sure we actually know what we’re doing.

We might feel wounded by life and the reality of circumstances. And we’re afraid the landscape has changed in ways we don’t understand. Maybe we think we’ve never been good at this stuff. Maybe there’s a long, awful track record of heartache and pain. Maybe it has ALMOST become easier to give up than to actually try for what we want.

Love and attachment, the forming of bonds, romance, sex, relationship… often a mix of fulfillment and pain. It doesn’t matter how old we get, romantic love is still a huge factor in life satisfaction.

It’s not too late!

Even though you don’t need the census bureau to tell you there are scads of single women and men (of all preferences btw) still longing for love, let’s start with some facts:

In Cincinnati alone there are 120 thousand men and 120 thousand women. About 61 thousand of each have never married. About 13 thousand men and 16.5 thousand women are divorced. Sad stat? About 33 thousand of each gender are currently married and separated. Chances of staying married 20 years or longer is still about 50/50 for both genders.

What does this mean?

Midlife love is statistically still possible

It means if you’re single at age 35 and beyond, the available pool is back to what it was in our early to mid-20’s! No wonder there’s a boom in baby boomer dating, mating, and relating! And there’s a plethora of advice about how to go about it. That’s the good news.

What’s the flip side?

It means people could use some help finding, keeping, and relating to a mate! I have a theory that healthy relationships last. That’s why coaching in this area is a five phase process including: Preparation, Attraction, Connection, Evaluation, and Relationship.

If you are ready to actually be in a relationship with someone who can be a partner in life, I am here to help! Or if you want help in any of the areas listed above, even in a long-term marriage or relationship, it’s what I do!

Look for FREE wisdom in the blog because I’m not stingy. I’ll share some good stuff that will cost you only the time to read.

Of course, you can READ about things and TRY STUFF til you’re worn out. And for some of you that will be sufficient for you to get where you want to go!

But if you find yourself stuck, or just in a hurry to get where you want to be – no matter what you suspect might be getting in your way – we can do some very good work on-on-one. And no matter what your situation, if you want a good mate, there is someone for you. I can help you get there. Read more about the process of individual coaching here.

Ready to start? CALL to make an appointment or schedule your FREE 15 minute in-person consultation. 513-530-5888

demographics taken from American FactFinder, US Census, available at: http://factfinder.census.gov/faces/tableservices/jsf/pages/productview.xhtml?src=bkmk

Finding your right counselor or life coach

The right counselor or life coach.

You’ll invest time, energy, and probably some money finding the right therapist or coach. Timing-when you’re right in the middle of a crisis or need to feel better fast-can make it even more stressful. Don’t worry. Your natural process of selection is at work no matter what. Follow these three tips and it will be even smoother:

1. Trust yourself. Listen to your gut.

If you get an uneasy sense or bad feeling, trust it. That’s your gut instinct talking to you.

I’m saying this first because you may or may not have a developed sense of your own instincts. You may have a habit of ignoring them.

And if you are good at listening to them, now is the time to pay attention. I promise you this: the gut knows; it will not steer you wrong. (Need help identifying this or paying attention? We can work on that!)

2. Engage yourself. Do a little thinking.

You already know a ton about how you’re made and what you need.

If you take time to write down what you know, your chances of finding it increase tremendously. (It almost feels like magic, but research supports writing it down works!)

Stuck? Ask yourself two questions:

In past relationships with doctors, dentists, teachers, athletic coaches, yoga instructors (whoever has been in a position to help with your health and achievement) what has pissed you off? Seriously, think of your pet peeve in those situations. Is it someone bossy? harsh? arrogant? hyper?

Now think about the best relationships in that context if you’ve had them. What was good?

Was it a gentle dentist? Did your doctor really listen? Did a teacher do a good job explaining why?

Use the good and bad information to help define what you’re looking for.

For example:

I need a good listener, who can communicate understanding, who doesn’t do all the talking.
I don’t want someone to stare at me blankly while I try to figure things out on my own.
I need someone with an easy sense of humor.
I need someone I know cares who will challenge me when I need it.

By all means, once you have prepared by doing this work, share your list of needs with a potential therapist. He or she should be able to tell you if and how they can be that for you. It also gives them a chance to let you know they can’t.

3. Honor yourself. Your feelings matter.

It’s normal to be nervous about entering this kind of relationship. It’s normal if you’re scared. It’s normal to feel incredibly vulnerable and uncertain.

Of course you feel that way! You are preparing to spill your guts about the hardest parts of your life with someone you don’t even know yet.

Because you matter, keep in mind these three things:

know your feelings are real and normal
put some thought into defining exactly what you need (in writing is best)
trust your gut and go with it.

Be encouraged; you will make a good, helpful connection. Your healing and growth depends on it! A little preparation, a little action and you will definitely find your person. Let me know if you think we are a good fit. You’re the expert on you and I’d be honored to join you. Give me a call.