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Can this marriage be saved?

We ask “can this marriage be saved?” but a more appropriate question might be “should this marriage be saved?”

Let me tell you a story. (Don’t like stories? Skip to the next bold headline.)

I read the Ladies’ Home Journal column of the same title: Can this Marriage Be Saved? start to finish, religiously, just as soon as the magazine arrived for my mom…by the time I was eleven.

Maybe I intuitively knew by then that my parents’ marriage was on the rocks. Though they stayed married another 15 years, I now know that it was, indeed, doomed by the time I was reading that column.

My parents stayed together until my youngest brother finished college. And if that was a conscious choice, they never told any of us about the decision.

Consequently, we simply got to see them endlessly unhappy.

The tension was palpable. They weren’t fighters, but occasionally we’d hear their muffled “discussions” knocking from their bedroom. I remember losing respect for them as a teenager thinking “they are both lovely, intelligent, educated people.” Of course, I loved them both and I was incredibly frustrated seeing them so miserable. “If they can’t figure out how to have a good marriage, what chance do ANY of us have?!”

Listen, my parents lasted 41 years, made 11 children, and lived on three different continents during their time together. Some might see success in that. Or even deeper tragedy. For me, that distinction no longer matters, though it certainly did during my childhood and teen years and loooong after they split.

Make no mistake, your unhappy marriage is affecting the people around you. It’s especially affecting your children. And if you can’t figure it out, it will become their challenge. So…

Should your marriage be saved?

If you ask most couples counselors (myself included) Can this marriage be saved? the answer is going to be yes. I said that very thing RIGHT HERE. Pretty much any marriage can be saved. (The further question might be, why save it? and at what cost?) 

Look, we are used to couples counselors, therapists, and relationship experts saying they don’t take sides, they won’t tell you what to do, that the decision to go or to stay is with you. And it is, ultimately. No therapist can make you do things, nor should they actually try. (In the biz, we call that detachment from outcome. It’s your life, not mine. Always.)

But a good couples counselor ought to provide adequate insight into what it will take to repair what is broken between you. A good marriage counselor can teach you what healthy relationship actually is and how it functions. They should be able to detect when your uphill battle is a waste of effort. Plus, they ought to SHARE that information with you, not keep it to themselves.

Keep in mind, with strong enough motivation from both parties, it is possible to heal just about any relationship.

Humans have been intentionally healing from the most heinous trauma for decades, even centuries. Methods are more effective than ever. So, there’s hope. Yet, no one is obligated to do the work of healing and getting healthy. And many people on the planet exercise their right to remain untreated. I’m good with that. Even as a licensed couples counselor!

It’s healthy if you are too. So…

What will it take to save your marriage?

Number one, accept the fact that you cannot alter another person’s will. Each individual on the planet gets to decide. Accepting this will save you a TON of pain and wasted effort. This also means you don’t get to dictate how someone ought to heal or cope. If they choose to leave, save yourself added pain and humiliation and let them go. (Read tips about how to let go if that’s hard to do.)

Two, learn what it means to be responsible for yourself. Tending to your own healing is all the work you need to do. You cannot do someone else’s healing work for them. It’s not your job. If letting go in this way and focusing on yourself is difficult (I know it can be; I help people with this all the time) be sure you get professional help. Then be certain that helper does not let you spend your time together focused on the other person.

Finally, get the right kind of support in real life. Don’t reiterate your pain to friends and family. You’ll not only ruin relationships, but you’ll make yourself even more miserable. I call this rehearsing your pain and people do it all the time. It gets them stuck. Then, tell your professional support team the truth. If you present two faces (or more) it will make it harder for them to help. (See point two above and read about a good therapy relationship HERE.)

So, when is saving the marriage truly hopeless?

If both of you are willing to invest in the relationship (and when I say invest, I really mean willing to stay in the relationship) then there’s just ONE thing that will prevent a happier relationship. Here it is:

If you’re waiting for the other person to change, or do more, or stop doing something, your marriage is doomed, done-for, over, hopeless. If you CAN’T STOP waiting for that, you may as well get divorced right this minute. I mean this emphatically.

I know it can be tough to stop waiting, wishing, or trying to coerce the other person to change, but good couples counseling (and good individual counseling) will address this objective.

What needs to be addressed first?

In addition, many professionals won’t tell you this, but there are conditions that make good couples work utterly impossible. We call them contraindications for couples counseling. That means their existence works directly against the process done in marriage counseling, so there really is no point to attempting marriage counseling unless these conditions are addressed effectively. Keep in mind, these are very challenging obstacles. Treating them is not hopeless, just very difficult. They have to be addressed, not completely solved before couples work can be effective.

They are, in no particular order of significance:

Physical abuse.

If either one of you get so triggered you cannot control your impulses and you lash out physically, this requires intervention before any progress can be made. Period. It’s not complicated.

Addiction.

This can be process or substance addiction. It could be porn, gambling, shopping, television, food, alcohol, or another substance. But if it goes unaddressed, there’s no point to doing couples work together. Read that list again. Capacity for moderation is necessary before relationship repair can happen. In addition, the individual must be willing and working on it; they don’t have to be perfect, they just have to be honest and responsible. Addiction is rife with relapse, so be realistic.

Personality Disorders.

These notably include Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline, Histrionic, Dependent, Avoidant, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorders. I’m listing these in particular because there is some hope of treating these conditions. However, treatment requires invested long-term effort, effective and focused help, dedication from the affected person, as well as a team of support people in order for enough stabilization to warrant working on a relationship.

What doesn’t eliminate good couples work?

Mood Disorders like Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar, or Dysthymia are not on the list of contraindications. However, the presence of these conditions creates a very real, dynamic challenge and these also need to be treated and addressed. Increasing quality of life with a mood disorder (hence, availability for relationship) takes concentrated treatment and dedication, much like living with a chronic disease.

Did you also notice that infidelity is not on my list? Many couples counselors will not see a couple if there is an active affair. But I do things differently here. You can read about my approach to Infidelity Treatment here.

“So, you’re telling me there’s a chance?”

There is a chance and sometimes that chance is one in a million, just like the line from Dumb and Dumber. (And if you recognize the line and remember its context, we could probably be friends.) But seriously, let’s just say NONE of the above conditions of physical abuse, addiction, or a personality disorder is present; working on your relationship can still be very difficult.

Saving a marriage and creating a healthy one can take a huge investment of time, energy, and money.

You will waste all that energy if you hire the wrong person or try to engage someone who is not a specialist. If you hire someone who can’t identify or won’t tell you that you or your partner have issues requiring attention before engaging more couples work, then you’ve chosen someone who is not even qualified to do marriage counseling.

If there’s infidelity (historical, recent, or active) and you hire someone who doesn’t specialize in treating infidelity, you’re also wasting your efforts.

When you hire a couples counselor, you need someone who has the skills and qualifications to actually help you.

Is it worth it?

Absolutely. You know I’m going to say YES! Even if just one of you is willing to grow and heal, it is worth everything you invest in it. No matter if the other person does their work or not. That’s true even if you don’t manage to stay married.

That’s because really good marriage counseling pays dividends that last forever and reverberate out from you. What you experience and learn will serve you in being able to create and enjoy a cherishing relationship. This one or the next. And that’s priceless. For you, your children, and all the other people around you.

Look, my parents didn’t have psychiatric issues, addiction, or physical abuse present in their relationship. I’m really grateful for that because those additional concerns create incredible familial chaos and add an enormous burden for all those around them.

But my parents were stubborn. They did each insist that the other was wrong and needed to change. Ultimately, that unwillingness to be wholly responsible for themselves was their undoing.

It took a lot longer than necessary for me to figure that out, or to be able to create and enjoy healthy love in my own life. But I’ve done it and I know how to help others get there faster.

Truth is, it’s only hard until it isn’t anymore. After that, it’s all gravy. 

If you’re willing- even if you’re the only one who’s ready- we can do some amazing work together. Get on my call schedule and let’s chat. You’ll be so glad you got a chance to explore what doing relational work will mean for you. And don’t worry, it includes a TON more joy and playfulness than you imagine. That’s part of the medicine. 

Let’s talk soon.

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PS. Just to clarify

My parents staying together until all of us were through college was NOT the worst choice they could have made. They did their best with what they had and I am not one bit bitter about their choices. I see and salute their humanity. (Being able to do that is a result of having done my own work!)

In fact, the older I get, the more I find to be grateful for in the home, example, structure, challenges, and inspiration they provided for me and my siblings.

Definitely true: they inspired me at a very young age- in ways I didn’t yet understand- to get very good at this job. I love so much being able to help others have healthy, happy relationships. It’s an added joy that I get to live in my own cherishing, healthy relationship. That’s because I chose to do the work after lots of trial and error trying to figure it out on my own.

You don’t have to spend any more time trying to figure it out. Get on my call schedule and let’s see about getting you some answers. 

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Letting Go; tips to help you do it

Letting go gets recommended a lot, by well-meaning individuals, by healing professionals, and by growth-minded communities.

“Just let it go.”

“You’ll feel better if you just let that go.”

“Let Go and Let God.”

Learning to let go is super important. In fact, having this skill firmly in hand is key to your growth. Still, many people struggle with it. They may say things to themselves like:

“I know I really need to let go, but…I’m not sure I’m ready to let go.”

“Do I want to let this go?”

“I can’t let this go.”

A hidden belief often reinforces such a stance. People have ideas about what should happen… if they just hold on tight! Or some fear about what might happen if they simply let go. Then there’s the talk about how hard it is to do. In fact:

Letting go is easy.

I often say to clients: “it’s only hard until it isn’t. It only feels hard. When you turn the corner, it’s super easy.” In fact, many things about being healthier are really, really simple. That doesn’t always mean it’s easy. But when it become easy, it’s super easy!

Letting go is one of the easiest things you will ever do.

It’s kind of counterintuitive because DOING it is all about NOT doing something else.

Don’t hold onto that. Don’t worry about that. Don’t let that take up your time, energy, and brain space.

But how, you ask?

These Tips will Help in Letting Go Intentionally

Once you realize and target the thing you fear will happen if you let go, or the thing you think you’re preventing by hanging on, it’s actually very simple.

Possible negative beliefs might be: If I let it go, he’ll get away with it; she’ll keep behaving like that; the kids won’t understand how awful he really is; people will judge me instead of her, or him, or them. If I let go, it means I never cared. If I hang on real tight, I can change the outcome.

Things we believe can drive us, even subconsciously, so if one of the above hits a nerve or you have a response like “well, that’s right! It’s not a negative belief” you may have just discovered your negative belief. (Psssst, none of the above statements are true.) If you need help getting to the bottom of your belief, any really good therapist can help with that. (I volunteer.)

Here’s a little exercise you can try in order to uncover it yourself:

Take a stab at what you think might happen if you let go, or what you’re preventing by holding on so tight. Write it down.

Then ask yourself, “so then what?” Write your response and do it again.

So, then what? Write your response, then ask again: so, then what?

Ask this until you get to the bottom and origin belief underneath all of it. That’s your driving negative belief. 

Here’s a common example from my work with clients

If I let go of this resentment, it means I’m condoning his bad behavior. So then what?

If I condone his bad behavior, then it means what he did doesn’t matter. So then what?

If what he does doesn’t matter, does my pain matter? So then what?

If my pain doesn’t matter, do I even matter? So then what?

I can’t let go of this resentment or it means I don’t matter!

Don’t feel like doing that? Or don’t know what to do once you get to the bottom?

Try these:

1. Take a deep breath

Make it really deep. Now, let it out even more slowly than your inhale. Do this at least three times. 

You don’t need to think about anything while you do this or focus on anything particular. But, if after three deep inhales and slow exhales, you can focus like this:

  • On the inhale, focus on the “worry” or the thing you’re holding onto.
  • On the exhale, breathe out the “worry” along with the air. 

Do it more than once if you need to. Do it as often as the “worry” pops back up.

2. Practice the Existential Process

This is a method I teach clients so they can use it both in and out of session. It goes like this:

Identify reality as if it is a thing we could all agree on if it were posted on a marquee or banner. This is not interpretive. It’s just the facts, ma’am.

Let that wave of reality wash over you. We do physical gestures where one fist is a rock, the other hand is the wave of reality washing over the rock. Actually make the gesture; it’s not hokey, physical movement helps underscore new perceptions.

Then, “come to neutral.” Resist evaluating something as either good or bad. You’re neither condoning nor giving any energy to what should not be.

Take a nice exhale and relax.

I’m not foolish; I know it can be difficult to let go.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see when something is actually doing us harm. When we hang onto resentments, past wounds, old traumas, and negative thinking, it can feel as if we’re protecting ourselves. Sometimes we can think we’re “holding others accountable”. But we’re really just wasting our own energy. And that is a real waste of life!

As a result, it means we’re doing at least as much harm to ourselves as the original “worry” we’re hanging onto.  

If it is difficult, get some support. Make sure you’re not resisting the wrong thing and inadvertently just adding more tension in your relationship with your particular “worry”. Pssst, your well-meaning friends are NOT a good source for this kind of support.

Employ a skilled therapist who can aid you in letting go of the right things and help you pay attention to the important things. You should not have to figure this out on your own. 

Bottom line, the good news is that letting go is an easy skill you CAN develop with the right focus and guidance. Don’t waste more precious time and energy increasing your pain. Reach out and let me help. Let’s schedule a call to discuss ways we can work together. 

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How do I know if this relationship is Codependent?

People often ask me if their relationship is codependent. How can you even know?

There’s another extreme that is considered less often and that’s toxic Independence.

Codependency and Independence have different reputations, but they are both bad for healthy relationship. I’ll explain.

In many ways, they are two sides of the same coin. Codependency made its debut in the common vernacular from roots in addiction and twelve-step interventions. Independence, on the other hand, seems to be a national, inherited “treasure” even though, in relationship, it costs us tremendously.

What is Codependency?

Perhaps you’ve seen the meme about a codependent or enabler at death’s door and having their partner’s life flash before them! That’s an extreme example of someone having no sense of self.

We can say such a person is enmeshed, that they are porous and boundaryless, permeable, having no container for the self and being far too other-centric.

That’s therapy jargon for the fact such people take way too much responsibility…for other people, for other people’s feelings, and for other people’s moods and behavior. They are focused on the other instead of appropriately aware and responsible for themselves.

What makes Independence toxic, then?

Independence, on the other hand, with it’s long association with rugged individualism and dominance is best symbolized by the lone conqueror atop a jagged mountain, a suggestion that success can be attained alone.

Not only is this image and suggestion an absolute myth (no one, not a single person anywhere on the planet succeeds alone) but taking the position of independence within relationship makes true intimacy impossible. We can call such a person detached. Even if they seem “passionate” or fiery regarding their goals, in fact, they are cold and distant when it comes to relationship and sharing the truth about their inner world.

Both codependency and independence are horrible stances within relationship.

One is simpering and desperate, the other aloof, distant, and often postures over others.

Do you have an idea which might be your tendency?

Are you thinking about someone else right now? That could indicate a tendency toward codependency.

This question isn’t about anyone else but you. You are the star of your own life, not someone else. If you defer to thinking about someone else, you have an unhealthy view of relationship.

If you’re too independent, you might not even be reading this article. I jest but you understand me.

Even when independent people appear aloof and detached, the reality is that everyone wants to be loved: to be known and accepted. Even when individuals portray a strong independence that can read as cold or unfeeling, deep down, they crave true intimacy.

How can I make such a bold claim? It’s basic human nature. We are made for it. But many do not know how it is built. Let’s start with some  basics.

Do you know what true intimacy is?

Many people misunderstand the concept. For codependents, intimacy may be intensity, feeling, a sentiment or mood. Their thoughts may tend toward focus on other people’s feelings, moods, needs, and desires. They rarely learn to pay attention to their own life.

Or, in an intimate partnership, they collapse, lose themselves, and their own identity once they’re involved with someone romantically. And, if single, they’re often looking for their next attachment.

Single or not, codependency becomes apparent in the thought-lives of those more focused on someone else’s lived experience than their own. It becomes apparent in their speech: codependents rarely, if ever, clearly advocate for themselves or express their own needs and desires. It can become apparent in how they spend their time: helping, doing for others, doing more than their fair share at work, or spending time worrying about other’s thoughts, feelings, etc.

For independent people, intimacy might look like intensity of a different sort: thrill-seeking, winning, sexual conquest or experience, achievement, or any kind of measurable success.

If this success involves other people, (it always does!) independent types will give less credit than others are due. Yet true intimacy eludes the ruggedly independent individual. Even their thoughts are preoccupied with themselves and their own goals rather than the feelings or preferences of those around them.

Rather than Independence or Codependency, True Intimacy Requires Interdependence

The concept of interdependence isn’t all that popular. For some reason, we prefer the image of a warm, kindhearted, giving person overextending herself. (Think Shel Silverstein’s, The Giving Tree)

Or we love a strong, independent and removed individual conquering all obstacles. (John Wick, anyone?)

Both images are rife in our common storytelling. Spiderman, Superman, Batman- none of these is allowed a nurturing, mutually satisfying love.

One-dimensional female characters have long been the norm, and when these have been replaced, the change is toward rugged individualism, not a true portrayal of what it means to be fully human and realistically dependent on other humans.

Rarely is true interdependence glorified or correctly portrayed when it comes to our shared narrative. Functional, healthy relationships rarely make great movies or compelling stories. Yet, healthy relationships really do make the very best LIVES.

Learning how to create and sustain functional, healthy relationships requires an understanding of Interdependence. 

Interdependence is Distinct

Interdependence is right in the sweet spot of health. It happens when individuals are responsible for themselves, aware of themselves, yet not self-absorbed. They are also aware of others. But they are not consumed with this awareness either.

Healthy individuals consider their own needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires first (that’s psychologically healthy) but they don’t stop there. They are open to considering others and they do so with input from the other, not an assumption that they know what the other wants. Interdependence maintains respect for people as autonomous beings.

In my work with individuals and couples, we use the concepts of Whole Human Theory (TM) to describe how responsible, healthy adults show up in the world.

Our understanding of how people are made and how they move through the world are at the foundation of relationship. Seeing this accurately, understanding another deeply and accepting them unconditionally resonates as love for all of us, no matter what.

Whether someone tends towards Independence or Codependency, this foundation helps us establish a healthy relationship of interdependence.

People ask me all the time if Interdependence means they will get their needs met.

Yes, that is likely to happen. When people understand they are interconnected, the way they show up and the way they give in relationship often shifts. 

And no, your partner is not here to meet your core needs or make up for all the wounding that happened before they arrived. When two people expect their partner will do such a thing, codependency can easily develop. When individuals expect a mate to provide the “core medicine” they need in order to feel desired equilibrium, wise strength, or peace, then they have wrongly assigned this job.

In fact, Whole Humans are aware of their “core medicine” aka their wants and needs and they see about providing it for themselves. They give up looking for a rescuer, or a provider, and become responsible for their own lives.

There’s no greater freedom!

And from there, they have the ability to turn towards another, share their inner worlds, and enjoy intentional true intimacy. These are the conditions for true interdependence and what many of us call Relational Joy. (Read more about Whole Human Theory (TM) HERE.)

Life was meant to be FULL of Relational Joy

But it’s impossible to have Relational Joy without Interdependence. 

I know many of you think your approach to relationship is right, and hey, no one is saying otherwise. It’s not your fault that you’ve come to do relationship as you have.

It’s a combination of the way you’re made and how you move through the world, plus your examples and all that you came (very legitimately) to believe about how relationships work.

I have you covered. I love helping people with this. Even if all you want to do is chat on your 15-minute FREE consultation, let’s get one scheduled. Hit the button below to schedule a consult or a first session.

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Why Do Men Cheat?

Why do men cheat? Let’s discuss.

There are lots of answers to that question. Not all of them are correct. Not all answers apply in a given situation. Of course, men cheat for the same reasons women cheat. But let’s also take a more nuanced look at what is going on for men in particular.

Hi. I’m a Relationship Expert, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and I have treated hundreds of men in this specialty over the past ten years. I have thorough knowledge and training in Psychology. I am qualified to diagnose and treat ALL kinds of Mental Health Disorders and I use the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, edition 5) published by the American Psychiatric Association for diagnoses.

That’s important because people can think that cheaters are just sick, demented, mentally ill, have a personality disorder, or, are unequivocally, “absolute narcissists.” I hear this a lot. It’s very trendy, in fact.

It’s very rarely the case.

The fact is that narcissism occurs in one half to six percent of the population. That range is based on research and it rings true according to my experience. In my practice, where I specialize in treating infidelity and where there’s bias for people with disorders, the lower end of that range is what I consistently see.

Just because a man is unfaithful, even if he is a “serial cheater,” does not mean he’s a narcissist or that he is sick or mentally ill in any other way.

Infidelity is a human foible, not a mental disorder.

Even if a label were accurate, it won’t actually help you navigate this.

Here’s why:

Having a partner cheat is painful. There is no doubt about that. It can throw everything into question and feel absolutely devastating. But, be careful with your theories on why he cheated. We don’t want the conclusions you reach to cause YOU more pain.

It seems easier and easier to throw a label on top of infidelity and call it good. Yet, that’s not actually helpful.

Sometimes a label or diagnosis can lend understanding and perspective. As in aha, that’s what we’re dealing with! That’s good and it’s the intention of getting a diagnosis. (An actual diagnosis from a trained professional who administers the diagnosis directly to the person). Mental health labels were never intended to be used as justification to shame another human.

But when labels are used as weapons to shame and blame, they actually end up hurting the person who applies the label. Why? It reinforces a victimhood narrative and that it a very weak position. Victim stance ultimately robs the victim of power and agency. You were acted upon versus something simply happening (or someone else choosing to hurt you)  and, as a strong person, you adapted and managed reality. The latter is much more powerful.

Victimhood can soon become one’s identity! Once that’s allowed, it can be very difficult to shift. Resist this easy tendency. It will end up hurting YOU.

I wrote specifically about FOUR things you can do right now to help yourself suffer less if your partner has cheated. READ HERE

So, Why DO Men Cheat?

Well, they definitely cheat for the obvious reasons:

  • their marriage is unfulfilling, or stale, or boring
  • they’re not getting sex or validation within the marriage (which is different than boredom)
  • they aren’t getting the emotional attention and connection they want and crave
  • it makes them feel alive and attractive
  • they want to have (more) attention/validation/respect from someone
  • it’s fun!
  • it feels good
  • it’s readily available and easy to do
  • they feel younger, vibrant, desired
  • they’re selfish
  • they’re immature
  • yada yada yada

If we are honest, there are many REASONS for being unfaithful. No matter who we are.

The question is not “why would a man cheat?” but “what would keep him from cheating?” That’s much more interesting information. (I will write about affair-proofing a relationship in an article soon, I promise.)

Ultimately, the decision to be unfaithful is a unilateral decision to go outside the marital relationship (perhaps instead of working out the problems within it). As such, it DOES demonstrate selfishness, maybe immaturity, perhaps a sense of entitlement and a lack of consideration for a mate’s feelings.

So we CAN say that infidelity is ALWAYS evidence of someone being selfish. But what else can we say about it for sure?

We Cannot Draw Many Universal Conclusions About Why Men Cheat

Contributions to a man’s decision are unique to each individual and situation.

What I can tell you is that it is not your fault. You did not make that unilateral decision. He did. The relationship may not have supplied enough reasons for him not to cheat, (can you stomach that double negative?) but that does not fall entirely on your shoulders either! (Listen, with good counseling you can derive the proper amount of responsibility later; just suffice it to say, he is responsible for his actions. Period.)

There are complicating factors that lead each individual man to make the decision to cross a line, follow it up, and follow through. 

I have ONE MORE insight to share and it may surprise you!

I’m not sure you’re going to like it, though. This one can be a hard truth to face. Just remember, it’s based on work with hundreds of people who have faced infidelity. Please also keep in mind that my objective here is to help.

If you CAN handle the truth, this will help because it will save you time and energy wasted in anguish. The truth is:

If Your Man Cheated and Then Married his Affair Partner…

…it’s a very strong indicator that he cheated because he was seeking LOVE. Simply put, his experience of acceptance, acknowledgement, respect, and care is greater for him within that connection than in the relationship with you. Period.

Of course this is hard to hear.

It’s also very true.

And it does not have to make sense to you. His perception and experience within your relationship can be entirely different from your experience. In fact, it IS very different from your experience and perspective. That’s because you’re both individuals and separate human beings. You don’t have to see things the way he sees them. But do listen to his ACTIONS.

If your man cheated and then married his affair partner, it’s because he wanted to continue to experience the love and acceptance he enjoys in that relationship.

It is NOT because the affair partner pressured him or made him do anything. He chose to cheat. He chose to leave. And he made the choice to commit to her. You will be better off and spend far less time agonizing if you are able to see this clearly and accept it.

Don’t Wait For Him to Regret His Choice

Rarely, and I mean very rarely will a man regret leaving a marriage partner and marrying his affair partner. This CAN happen, but only in cases where the new relationship itself is more toxic and dysfunctional than the last. Here are the specifics:

Regret happens in instances where the affair partner has a clinically diagnosable disorder that negatively affects the relationship AND when children suffer because their parents are no longer together.

Remember however, slapping on a clinical label is never a good idea. You’re probably wrong about it anyway. And, people can still navigate loving relationships while managing mental health concerns. (Pssst, it’s what I help people do all the time.) Resist the urge to label. It really only hurts YOU.

The most painful break-ups are those that include a third party. For some reason, the knowledge your mate already has someone and is choosing them over you can cut the deepest. Be careful you don’t get stuck there.

If a man makes a commitment to his new relationship, for your own sake, let go as soon and as thoroughly as possible. It sucks. I know! You are not a victim of his choices. You are the master of yours. So choose to see this truth and to accept it.

The Best Way to Recover After A Man Cheats

Knowing WHY he cheated is not as important as knowing what to do next. Thankfully there ARE things you can DO to recover.

On top of the four tips explained HERE, get some focused professional support.

Do not employ someone who allows you merely to tell the story while they validate your feelings. You need more than that. Be sure your therapist is focused on getting you relief from your pain. They ought to be able to correct you and outline exactly what you’re doing that intensifies and thereby increases your suffering. They ought to be able to give you real skills to stop doing what hurts you and teach you how to manage your pain. You should definitely experience some relief.

Women who recover together grow exponentially. That’s why, in 2016, I began a women’s group that has grown into a nationwide, online group for Strong, Smart, and Savvy Women. I call it SSS Life. If it’s still May, 2025, then enrollment is open for SSS Life, but only a little longer.  Members are at all stages of their recovery and we want you to have your complete healing too. Check it out here. Then please join us.

Whether or not you already have a therapist, this group will lead you to complete recovery. It will help you make a decision about the relationship if you haven’t already. You’ll know when to trust again, and when (and how) to forgive. You’ll know how to respond in any situation that comes up, including future connections. Access to the step-by-step process and doing it with other women will bring healing just as quickly as possible. I’m really pleased and humbled that it has helped so many people. And I’d like to help you.

Of course, if you’d like to work together one on one instead, the first step is getting a FREE Consultation Call scheduled. You can use the call to ask about the group too.  Let’s talk soon and get you the relief you deserve

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Affair Recovery Tips; Don’t Suffer More

“Affair Recovery Tips” might sound like a shallow promise, but now more than ever, it’s important that you do not increase your own suffering. You’re probably doing some things that increase and intensify your pain without even realizing it. More than me telling you to STOP DOING THAT, here’s what to do instead:

Affair Recovery Tip Number ONE: Ask the right questions.

You’re probably obsessed with the wrong ones. What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? What on earth does he/she see in the affair partner? Or what happened? How could this happen to us? How did we get here? What kind of a person does this to their mate?! How did I not know?! Maybe you’re even asking: what is wrong with me that I let this happen?!

Of course, you have those questions. Those questions are a logical, natural response. Just try to loosen your grip on them because the answers simply will NOT help. In fact, spending time asking them (in your mind or of your mate) will help you get stuck there. And wasting time on those questions will absolutely increase and intensify your suffering.

That’s because your brain WILL answer the questions you give it. I wrote more about how the brain works finding answers and why it’s important to ask the right questions in this previous article.

Simply put, if you’re asking what is wrong (with him, her, the marriage, you) then THOSE are the questions you’ll get answers for. And there’s plenty wrong with everyone and everything if that’s what your brain is on a mission to find. It can be quite endless, actually, but most importantly, it just won’t help.

In fact, it hurts. Primarily it hurts YOU by intensifying your pain and negative perspective. If you have any hope of saving the relationship, this approach will make it even harder to work things out. Most importantly, it prolongs your suffering and keeps your brain spinning on seeking information that won’t help you recover.

If you hope to recover after an affair, do this:

More than trying to STOP those recurring questions, CONSTRUCT better, more helpful ones. Here’s how:

Start with the most important longing right now. Is it to decrease your pain? Be able to concentrate? Be able to trust again? Get through this? Return to a happier time? Interact without getting triggered?

Even if your heart’s longing seems WAY far off right now, use it to form a more helpful question by putting a “how” in front of it.

How can I decrease my pain? How can I concentrate today? How will I be able to trust again? How can I get through this? How do we get through this? How can I return to a happier time? How do I manage my triggers?

Guess what? All of those things are actually productive questions. The answers to those questions (which your brain will seek answers to at every turn) will give you some productive, helpful information you can act on.

And don’t worry, you WILL find answers to those questions. You have to. It’s how your brain works.

Every time you notice yourself asking one of the first questions, gently notice and replace it with one of your helpful how questions.

Here’s an example of how this works:

You think “how could he have done this to me?!” You notice and think, “ahh, that’s not helpful. Hmmm, what can I ask instead?” It may take a minute, but you CAN replace that unhelpful question with something better. Maybe it’s as simple as “how do I stop obsessing about his motives?” Maybe it’s as big a shift as “How do I get back to feeling confident?”

The right questions ARE helpful and you will get answers, ideas, and insights from a variety of sources. That’s how your brain works. When you ask the right questions, you get useful information that will actually help you recover.

Affair Recovery Tip Number TWO: Stop rehearsing your pain.

That’s what I call it when you can’t stop telling the story. You talk through it again and again. Maybe you’re on the phone or can’t stay focused on a task at work or while you’re out socially and the topic reverts to the story of the betrayal. Maybe you mention it lightly in conversation, even to complete strangers. If you don’t nip this in the bud, the betrayal can become your identity. Don’t let that happen.

Look, it’s natural to want everyone to know what a complete cad he is, how terrible “they” are, and how very wronged you’ve been. It just isn’t helpful for your recovery. Right now, while you’re navigating your own pain, don’t ADD to it by rehearsing, reinforcing, and repeating the story of your pain.

This INCLUDES doing this in therapy. Time, energy, and money spent getting help from a professional ought to bring you actual relief. Your therapist ought to help you learn how to manage the pain and stress of betrayal, not make it worse for you by allowing you to reinforce the pain of this thing that has happened. If you have a therapist who allows this, ask for skills to cope. If they don’t respond by providing them, find a new therapist, one who specializes in affair recovery.

Does all this mean you ignore the reality? No. It means you recognize when you are reiterating the same unhelpful narrative. Notice and gently adjust your focus. That brings me to…

Affair Recovery Tip Number THREE: Focus on YOUR healing.

You need and deserve some TLC after a partner cheats. That means real tender, loving care, not necessarily indulgence. I won’t preach against using alcohol or ice-cream to soothe a terrible day, but remember what will actually help.

If you’re not sure what that is, start with this exercise: ask yourself what you already do that brings you joy? (or have EVER done historically) If joy is a reach, ask yourself what you do (or have ever done) that helps you feel strong, confident, productive, successful, alive, vibrant? Seriously, make a list. Write it down. Then make a plan for DOING more of those things on a regular, daily basis.

If you have a tough time with your list, enlist the help of a trusted friend who knows you well. You can ask, “when have you seen me at my best?” Or “when do you think I’ve been happiest?” Or even “what do you think are my greatest strengths?”

At a time when a partner cheats, you’ll benefit from positive input about YOU (not negative input about HIM) so go ahead and seek this from a trusted friend.

Take the information you receive as the starting point for coming up with those things you can DO that help you focus on your own recovery. Then DO them. Regularly.

Finally, Embrace this Time as a Chance to Heal

I know that may sound strange. But this truly is an opportunity to shake up your life, to replace anything that is not serving you, and to go ahead and live full out. No one expects you to get there right now, but keep that end-goal in mind as your objective and you absolutely WILL get there.

Human beings were made to heal. We are powerful, resilient, and adaptable.

Remember, “Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” All humans get wounded in this life. Literally, every single one of us. (If we make it out without some wounding, have we really even lived?!) And yes, having a partner cheat is definitely a whopper of a wound.

Even though it is the most pressing one right now, that wound is probably not the only one you’ve weathered in your life. Maybe you’ve limped along or survived and done pretty well despite what you’ve lived through. Good work! Let this wound be your opportunity to absolutely THRIVE from here on out.

How? Well, start by minimizing your suffering with the above tips. And of course, if you need help and support in that endeavor, find an excellent therapist, not just a good one. Find one who won’t let you sit in your wounded-ness, won’t let you ask the wrong questions, and won’t let you rehearse your pain.

Don’t have an excellent therapist? I volunteer. I’d love to help. Get on my call schedule and let’s get started. I’ll let you know exactly how this works.

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He Cheated even though you’re a BOSS; How did this happen?

Let’s look at a few grounding facts, shall we?  After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.
Did you know that fully 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history.

He cheated even though you’re a BOSS in every great sense of the word. What happened?

First of all, beautiful boss ladies are not immune to their mates cheating. It’s not your fault. I know you’re probably asking What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? You’re probably asking if there’s something wrong in your relationship. Or… shhhhh, from time to time, you may even be wondering if there’s something wrong with you!

While these are natural questions, they are ALL the wrong questions to ask.

That’s because the answers, no matter how in-depth, do not provide helpful information you can use. If there is one thing I have learned from more than five decades of life and ten years in this specialty it is this: infidelity is complicated. But it’s not that complicated.

In addition, we all know that if you ask the wrong questions, you get the wrong information.

I wrote about how asking the right questions prevents suffering. READ MORE HERE.

Consider these facts after he cheated.

After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.

Did you know that at least 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history. Yes, it’s painful. It presents a significant challenge. And…

The number one factor in its occurrence is not the character of either party involved, the nature of the committed relationship, or the sexual mores of a given society. The number one factor in its occurrence is… dun dun dun: opportunity.

That’s it.

Given opportunity, even monogamous, committed individuals will engage with people who are not their mates! In all cultures. Across human history.

Does that feel like a gut punch? Something you cannot prevent? I totally understand if it does.

There ARE ways to affair-proof your relationship and they are probably NOT the things that come to mind, (like hypervigilance, control, and demanding “rigorous honesty”). Psssst, I used to think the promise of an affair-proof relationship was complete BS, but now I know exactly how it works. I promise I’ll write about that in a future post, so please follow here or on socials and keep reading.

The stats are so high, they’re almost hard to believe. The universality is incredible! And just in case you resort to thinking “men are pigs” or that the involved woman is a nut case or worse, step back for a minute and consider just how common the experience is. For all of humanity. Everywhere. Throughout all time and cultures and even in all religions.

On top of that, if opportunity is the strongest indicator of its occurrence, maybe it really isn’t about him, or about her, about you, or about the relationship.

Facts about his cheating should provide perspective, if not comfort.

You’re not alone. Not by a long shot!

In fact, the vast majority of people have their own lived experience with infidelity.

That means they’ve been unfaithful, or had a partner be unfaithful, or had a parent or significant caregiver be unfaithful. And often, more than one of those options is true for any given individual. All three can apply to the same person. It’s not unusual.

Infidelity is a human experience. It’s almost always painful and it’s often devastating. Yet, there are ways to keep it from devastating you.

Let’s consider some insider information below.

The Industry Definition

Infidelity is all three of these at once:

  • a secret relationship,
  • emotional connection, and
  • sexual alchemy…

while one is in another relationship both partners agree is exclusive and committed.

If there’s no committed relationship, then it’s not infidelity at all. (But you know that!) There doesn’t have to be a lot of emotional connection. There doesn’t have to be ANY sexual engagement. But all three elements do have to be present. Let’s examine possibilities.

There could be a lot of emotional connection and no sexual activity. But if it’s a secret relationship, and there’s sexual chemistry, it’s still an affair. No need to call it an “emotional affair”; it’s infidelity.

If there’s sexual alchemy and some emotional connection but the spouse is aware and allows the connection, then it’s an open relationship. And if the open relationship nets jealous responses and affects the uninvolved partner negatively, then it’s probably a sad experience for everyone, but that’s not technically infidelity.

Read more about Infidelity Recovery HERE

He still cheated so why make these distinctions?

No matter what role individuals play, this drama is a common and time-worn one. It’s a very understandable drama. In certain circumstances, it’s even more likely than in other circumstances.

That doesn’t mean we find it acceptable or excusable. By and large, we do not. While cultures may have differing stances on infidelity, nearly ALL cultures, religions, and nationalities seriously frown on it.

Estel Perel, who talks about this at length in her work, and notably her book, Mating in Captivity, highlights how the American perspective differs from the French. There, bored spouses take a lover and DON’T blow up the nuclear family. In America, if someone is unhapppy, takes a lover and DOES blow up the family. While it’s common, seemingly easy, and readily available, in general, in America, it is always viewed negatively. And not merely by the people it may affect.

Is that because collectively, we, as Americans are the morality police?  No. That’s not it. (Though some of us might be slightly more inclined that way than others.)

Where it is devalued and scandalized, it is not because hearts are wounded (although they surely can be), nor because we are so morally opposed to it, but, it is becuase, from a human evolutionary perspective, it’s destabilizing for a society. Rifts in relationships, family splits, dispersion of parentage, and scattered genetics all contribute to societal upheaval.

We frown on it because it is bad for societal stability.

Do the facts remove the pain when he cheats?

Certainly not. If he cheated, there is surely pain for you because of his choice. But the facts can provide what the wrong questions never will: real information that is useful and could even be helpful in your healing.

Even so, looking at the facts isn’t automatically soothing. It can be provocative or unsettling. It can bring up more questions.

So, what does the information bring up for you?

It’s always my aim to add something helpful. If you’d like help and support exploring the topic, answering the questions, or posing the right ones, reach out. I’d love to support you. There are things you can do to minimize suffering and get on with your healing as swiftly and completely as possible.

Let’s connect. Hit the button below and shoot me an email. We’ll follow-up and get your FREE consultation call scheduled as soon as possible. I can’t wait. You deserve some relief. Reach out.

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A good couples counselor has you covered

Here are three key things to look for when searching for a really good couples counselor. Good couples counseling means more than changing behavior. It addresses core level healing so you can build fulfilling relationships.

Don’t worry; a good couples counselor is assessing more than just your relationship. Often when you’re heading to couples counseling (maybe for the first time) you have some anxiety. That’s very common and absolutely normal as you contemplate bearing your soul with a stranger. Rest assured, a good couples counselor will help ease this. Remember, this is not her first rodeo, even if it is yours. A good couples counselor knows exactly what to look for and how to help you.

Worried about these things?

Maybe you think your partner will charm the couples counselor and as a result “get away” with bad behavior in session or out. Maybe you think the counselor will be just as confused as you are by their excuses or explanations. Could it be that the counselor won’t have enough chutzpah to confront bad behavior?

Worry no more. A good couples counselor has this well in hand. We’ll cover three key things to look for when you interview a candidate, but first it’s important to clarify a couple of things.

Good couples counseling very likely isn’t what you imagine it to be.

You may have the impression that couples counseling is “neutral”. That it’s the counselor’s job to be “objective” or “fair”, to facilitate some kind of understanding between the two of you, like an arbitrator or a mediator.

Maybe you have an idea the counselor is a referee whose job it is to allow you to attempt to resolve a conflict and parse out who is right or wrong, fighting fairly or not. Or maybe you think it’s her job to unpack your last conflict and teach you what you should have done.

Many people think a couples counselor is an objective third party ready to pronounce a winner!

Good couples counseling doesn’t waste time on any of this. Truly good couples counseling does not play “whack a mole” with your problems. And as a result, it’s much more effective. A skilled couples counselor gets right to the core of your relational pattern and will help you grow in order to create a healthy relationship.

Everything you gain -and there will be personal gains even if the relationship should not be salvaged- is yours to keep forever. I’ll say more about this below, but first:

People are confused about good couples counseling for good reason.

Sometimes people want a neutral third party to decide who’s right. They may actually long for someone to help them “duke it out in a fair fight”. They really want someone to take their side, pronounce them “the winner”, or to feel quite justified that their partner is “the bad guy” and they are “the good guy”!

Often there IS an imbalance of power in the relationship, and whoever feels they’re getting the short stick can long for someone “on their side” who will help convince, persuade, or change their partner.

Others fear the couples counselor will tell them that they are in the wrong; they are doing it wrong; they are bad, failing, coming up short, or some other version of “just not good enough”. The mere thought of such a pronouncement can feel overwhelming and risky! Especially if they already feel they’re doing “more than their fair share” of emotional work in the relationship.

Furthermore, television and movies can add to the misconceptions about counseling. Most often, the cinematic portrayal of couples counseling perpetuates erroneous ideas of neutrality, reffing a conflict, or choosing a winner of the relationship! Keep in mind, such a scene is used for dramatic (or comedic) effect. It’s not a true representation of what actually goes on in couples counseling! It’s not real. Even “reality TV” or podcast excerpts can misrepresent the process of good couples counseling since both formats are heavily edited.

None of that is one bit helpful. If a counselor allows that or takes that role, fire them! They are not a good couples counselor. Here are three major things to evaluate when searching for your couples counselor:

Good couples counseling follows a framework.

Ask anyone you interview what they use. Read their website and find out how they work. Don’t settle for a cursory answer either. Good couples counselors should publish the methods on their website. They should be able to articulate the way they work.

Don’t know exactly what to look for? Here’s a quick run-down:

Anyone who mentions Gottmann is going to have you do a lot of brain-based activity to experience your relationship. You’ll be invited to change behavior and to change the way you think about things. You’ll be given homework to do. Think worksheets. This can appeal to cerebral types. I don’t recommend it since it fails to get to the heart of relationships. After all, intimate partnerships must incorporate and respect the feelings of the individuals in them. If your relationship doesn’t incorporate this, what you’re living in is a transactional relationship. You deserve much more than that.

If someone mentions EFT (Emotion Focused Therapy), you’ll be invited to be more empathetic toward your mate. EFT challenges couples to become more, not less, responsible for one another. This can actually foster a really unhealthy dynamic, especially in pairings where there’s already an imbalance of power and one person is doing more of the emotional heavy lifting. It can have a devastating effect where there is a lot of confusion about who’s responsible for what.

If a counselor uses cognitive behavior therapy or they don’t talk at all about the way they conduct couples counseling, be suspicious! They may not have a clue what they’re doing. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be effective treating the symptom of depression, but you need better methods when dealing with the complexities of intimate relationship.

Even worse than them being inept, spending time with a counselor who does not have a fully developed and effective couples counseling framework can do more harm than good. Especially because disrupted relationships are, in themselves, very painful.

I’ll talk about the framework I use at the end of this article. In the meantime, the second thing to look for is…

Good couples counseling is NOT neutral

Most relationships are not a 50/50 mess. That’s why any good couples counselor understands she is NOT there to help you “fight fair” and remain neutral. If you’re expecting “equal time” or the right to “have your say” you have the wrong idea about couples counseling.

Of course, she’ll hear from each of you, but a good couples counselor won’t need to ask you each the same questions. There should be no “tit for tat” in any single session. A counselor who proceeds like this really doesn’t have anything helpful to give you. Find someone better.

A good couples counselor will assess the patterns in your relationship. She’s also looking for underlying issues each of you may struggle with. Then, she’ll proceed to give you skills and growth challenges (aka assignments) that match the way you’re made, how you process, and how you move through the world. Some challenges will be the same for both partners, but often they will be very different.

Be assured, no matter what your situation, your couples counselor is rooting for you. And a really good counselor will know who needs to grow in what way in order to create a healthy relationship together.

Do your assignments and stay out of your partner’s business while they are doing theirs. Remember, no one is “winning therapy”! If you do your work, your gains are yours to keep forever.

Finally…

Liking your couples counselor matters and liking requires testing.

Keep a consultation call before you book a session. If they don’t offer free consultation calls, do not waste your time, energy, and money exploring couples counseling with them….EVEN if your insurance covers the session. The one thing in life you are never getting back is your time, so don’t waste it prepping, arranging all the schedules, and then testing by going through a first (or intake) session.

You need to know if you like the counselor and that only comes from having a conversation. The fastest way to do that is with a consultation call.

When you get on the phone, a good couples counselor will want to know what YOU are experiencing. She will want to hear the story of your relationship -whatever parts you think are important- in order to assure you she knows she can help.

Don’t worry. You don’t have to cover everything in a short conversation. She might cut you off because she has enough information or she might ask for different information. Don’t be surprised by this. A good couples counselor is trained to listen and assess during this call. Largely without you realizing it, she’ll already be demonstrating the skills she’ll use in sessions.

You are asking yourself two questions:

1. Do I like her?

Of course this is subjective. That’s as it should be.

2. Can she help?

Does she work from an effective framework?

That’s ALL you need to consider in the phone consultation. Nothing else. Do I like her? Can she help me? If yes, book an appointment and jump in. I always recommend sticking with a well-vetted therapist for 6-8 sessions. But if you get some ICK vibes in the early sessions, remember you are always free to jump ship and find someone better.

My Framework

Every relationship is unique, no exceptions. Individuals are exquisitely unique. I’ll assess the patterns in your relationship and let you know what I see.

You might already be aware of the patterns; you’re living inside them, after all. You may even know what you should do instead. If awareness alone were enough to create healthy relationships you’d already have done it by now!

Or you might feel stuck and utterly confused.

You’ve probably heard (or read) a lot about good relationship. You might wisely think the key to better relationship is

  • better or more communication
  • getting your partner to do something good for the relationship
  • getting your partner to stop doing something that’s harming the relationship

No worries. We will get to all of that.

First, we have to do the underlying work so that you both CAN change the patterns and the behavior.

I’ll teach you what to do when emotions run hot and the stakes are high.

I specialize in relationship disruption.

Think of  as any experience that has resulted in a disruption to your nervous system. It might be a bengative pattern, a betrayal, or anything you experience as relationship threatening.

That disruption can show up by you feeling triggered, suddenly anxious, fearful, overwhelmed, flooded, shut down, going cold, feeling numb, experiencing sudden anger or even feeling rageful.

It can manifest in your relationship as a confusing repetitive pattern, having the same argument over and over, getting no resolution in a conflict, and result in increasing resentments or a turning away from one another.

Those patterns, arguments, and tensions can be loud or they can be very quiet, but for certain, they are interfering with having a peaceful, fulfilling relationship. But you already know that. I know these things don’t change with wishful thinking, just getting on with it, or pushing down and ignoring the issues. They will reoccur and resurface until they’re truly healed.

So let’s do that. I can help.

There is hope. There is a solution for every problem you’re facing and healing for every wound.

Read more about the way I practice Whole Human Therapy here. If you’re ready to get on my consultation schedule, click below. Let’s talk soon.

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