Affair Recovery Archives - Luwandi Counseling & Coaching

Why Do Men Cheat?

Why do men cheat? Let’s discuss.

There are lots of answers to that question. Not all of them are correct. Not all answers apply in a given situation. Of course, men cheat for the same reasons women cheat. But let’s also take a more nuanced look at what is going on for men in particular.

Hi. I’m a Relationship Expert, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and I have treated hundreds of men in this specialty over the past ten years. I have thorough knowledge and training in Psychology. I am qualified to diagnose and treat ALL kinds of Mental Health Disorders and I use the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, edition 5) published by the American Psychiatric Association for diagnoses.

That’s important because people can think that cheaters are just sick, demented, mentally ill, have a personality disorder, or, are unequivocally, “absolute narcissists.” I hear this a lot. It’s very trendy, in fact.

It’s very rarely the case.

The fact is that narcissism occurs in one half to six percent of the population. That range is based on research and it rings true according to my experience. In my practice, where I specialize in treating infidelity and where there’s bias for people with disorders, the lower end of that range is what I consistently see.

Just because a man is unfaithful, even if he is a “serial cheater,” does not mean he’s a narcissist or that he is sick or mentally ill in any other way.

Infidelity is a human foible, not a mental disorder.

Even if a label were accurate, it won’t actually help you navigate this.

Here’s why:

Having a partner cheat is painful. There is no doubt about that. It can throw everything into question and feel absolutely devastating. But, be careful with your theories on why he cheated. We don’t want the conclusions you reach to cause YOU more pain.

It seems easier and easier to throw a label on top of infidelity and call it good. Yet, that’s not actually helpful.

Sometimes a label or diagnosis can lend understanding and perspective. As in aha, that’s what we’re dealing with! That’s good and it’s the intention of getting a diagnosis. (An actual diagnosis from a trained professional who administers the diagnosis directly to the person). Mental health labels were never intended to be used as justification to shame another human.

But when labels are used as weapons to shame and blame, they actually end up hurting the person who applies the label. Why? It reinforces a victimhood narrative and that it a very weak position. Victim stance ultimately robs the victim of power and agency. You were acted upon versus something simply happening (or someone else choosing to hurt you) and, as a strong person, you adapted and managed reality. The latter is much more powerful.

Victimhood can soon become one’s identity! Once that’s allowed, it can be very difficult to shift. Resist this easy tendency. It will end up hurting YOU.

I wrote specifically about FOUR things you can do right now to help yourself suffer less if your partner has cheated. READ HERE

So, Why DO Men Cheat?

Well, they definitely cheat for the obvious reasons:

their marriage is unfulfilling, or stale, or boring
they’re not getting sex or validation within the marriage (which is different than boredom)
they aren’t getting the emotional attention and connection they want and crave
it makes them feel alive and attractive
they want to have (more) attention/validation/respect from someone
it’s fun!
it feels good
it’s readily available and easy to do
they feel younger, vibrant, desired
they’re selfish
they’re immature
yada yada yada

If we are honest, there are many REASONS for being unfaithful. No matter who we are.

The question is not “why would a man cheat?” but “what would keep him from cheating?” That’s much more interesting information. (I will write about affair-proofing a relationship in an article soon, I promise.)

Ultimately, the decision to be unfaithful is a unilateral decision to go outside the marital relationship (perhaps instead of working out the problems within it). As such, it DOES demonstrate selfishness, maybe immaturity, perhaps a sense of entitlement and a lack of consideration for a mate’s feelings.

So we CAN say that infidelity is ALWAYS evidence of someone being selfish. But what else can we say about it for sure?

We Cannot Draw Many Universal Conclusions About Why Men Cheat

Contributions to a man’s decision are unique to each individual and situation.

What I can tell you is that it is not your fault. You did not make that unilateral decision. He did. The relationship may not have supplied enough reasons for him not to cheat, (can you stomach that double negative?) but that does not fall entirely on your shoulders either! (Listen, with good counseling you can derive the proper amount of responsibility later; just suffice it to say, he is responsible for his actions. Period.)

There are complicating factors that lead each individual man to make the decision to cross a line, follow it up, and follow through.

I have ONE MORE insight to share and it may surprise you!

I’m not sure you’re going to like it, though. This one can be a hard truth to face. Just remember, it’s based on work with hundreds of people who have faced infidelity. Please also keep in mind that my objective here is to help.

If you CAN handle the truth, this will help because it will save you time and energy wasted in anguish. The truth is:

If Your Man Cheated and Then Married his Affair Partner…

…it’s a very strong indicator that he cheated because he was seeking LOVE. Simply put, his experience of acceptance, acknowledgement, respect, and care is greater for him within that connection than in the relationship with you. Period.

Of course this is hard to hear.

It’s also very true.

And it does not have to make sense to you. His perception and experience within your relationship can be entirely different from your experience. In fact, it IS very different from your experience and perspective. That’s because you’re both individuals and separate human beings. You don’t have to see things the way he sees them. But do listen to his ACTIONS.

If your man cheated and then married his affair partner, it’s because he wanted to continue to experience the love and acceptance he enjoys in that relationship.

It is NOT because the affair partner pressured him or made him do anything. He chose to cheat. He chose to leave. And he made the choice to commit to her. You will be better off and spend far less time agonizing if you are able to see this clearly and accept it.

Don’t Wait For Him to Regret His Choice

Rarely, and I mean very rarely will a man regret leaving a marriage partner and marrying his affair partner. This CAN happen, but only in cases where the new relationship itself is more toxic and dysfunctional than the last. Here are the specifics:

Regret happens in instances where the affair partner has a clinically diagnosable disorder that negatively affects the relationship AND when children suffer because their parents are no longer together.

Remember however, slapping on a clinical label is never a good idea. You’re probably wrong about it anyway. And, people can still navigate loving relationships while managing mental health concerns. (Pssst, it’s what I help people do all the time.) Resist the urge to label. It really only hurts YOU.

The most painful break-ups are those that include a third party. For some reason, the knowledge your mate already has someone and is choosing them over you can cut the deepest. Be careful you don’t get stuck there.

If a man makes a commitment to his new relationship, for your own sake, let go as soon and as thoroughly as possible. It sucks. I know! You are not a victim of his choices. You are the master of yours. So choose to see this truth and to accept it.

The Best Way to Recover After A Man Cheats

Knowing WHY he cheated is not as important as knowing what to do next. Thankfully there ARE things you can DO to recover.

On top of the four tips explained HERE, get some focused professional support.

Do not employ someone who allows you merely to tell the story while they validate your feelings. You need more than that. Be sure your therapist is focused on getting you relief from your pain. They ought to be able to correct you and outline exactly what you’re doing that intensifies and thereby increases your suffering. They ought to be able to give you real skills to stop doing what hurts you and teach you how to manage your pain. You should definitely experience some relief.

Women who recover together grow exponentially. That’s why, in 2016, I began a women’s group that has grown into a nationwide, online group for Strong, Smart, and Savvy Women. I call it SSS Life. If it’s still May, 2025, then enrollment is open for SSS Life, but only a little longer. Members are at all stages of their recovery and we want you to have your complete healing too. Check it out here. Then please join us.

Whether or not you already have a therapist, this group will lead you to complete recovery. It will help you make a decision about the relationship if you haven’t already. You’ll know when to trust again, and when (and how) to forgive. You’ll know how to respond in any situation that comes up, including future connections. Access to the step-by-step process and doing it with other women will bring healing just as quickly as possible. I’m really pleased and humbled that it has helped so many people. And I’d like to help you.

Of course, if you’d like to work together one on one instead, the first step is getting a FREE Consultation Call scheduled. You can use the call to ask about the group too. Let’s talk soon and get you the relief you deserve

BOOK NOW

Affair Recovery Tips; Don’t Suffer More

“Affair Recovery Tips” might sound like a shallow promise, but now more than ever, it’s important that you do not increase your own suffering. You’re probably doing some things that increase and intensify your pain without even realizing it. More than me telling you to STOP DOING THAT, here’s what to do instead:

Affair Recovery Tip Number ONE: Ask the right questions.

You’re probably obsessed with the wrong ones. What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? What on earth does he/she see in the affair partner? Or what happened? How could this happen to us? How did we get here? What kind of a person does this to their mate?! How did I not know?! Maybe you’re even asking: what is wrong with me that I let this happen?!

Of course, you have those questions. Those questions are a logical, natural response. Just try to loosen your grip on them because the answers simply will NOT help. In fact, spending time asking them (in your mind or of your mate) will help you get stuck there. And wasting time on those questions will absolutely increase and intensify your suffering.

That’s because your brain WILL answer the questions you give it. I wrote more about how the brain works finding answers and why it’s important to ask the right questions in this previous article.

Simply put, if you’re asking what is wrong (with him, her, the marriage, you) then THOSE are the questions you’ll get answers for. And there’s plenty wrong with everyone and everything if that’s what your brain is on a mission to find. It can be quite endless, actually, but most importantly, it just won’t help.

In fact, it hurts. Primarily it hurts YOU by intensifying your pain and negative perspective. If you have any hope of saving the relationship, this approach will make it even harder to work things out. Most importantly, it prolongs your suffering and keeps your brain spinning on seeking information that won’t help you recover.

If you hope to recover after an affair, do this:

More than trying to STOP those recurring questions, CONSTRUCT better, more helpful ones. Here’s how:

Start with the most important longing right now. Is it to decrease your pain? Be able to concentrate? Be able to trust again? Get through this? Return to a happier time? Interact without getting triggered?

Even if your heart’s longing seems WAY far off right now, use it to form a more helpful question by putting a “how” in front of it.

How can I decrease my pain? How can I concentrate today? How will I be able to trust again? How can I get through this? How do we get through this? How can I return to a happier time? How do I manage my triggers?

Guess what? All of those things are actually productive questions. The answers to those questions (which your brain will seek answers to at every turn) will give you some productive, helpful information you can act on.

And don’t worry, you WILL find answers to those questions. You have to. It’s how your brain works.

Every time you notice yourself asking one of the first questions, gently notice and replace it with one of your helpful how questions.

Here’s an example of how this works:

You think “how could he have done this to me?!” You notice and think, “ahh, that’s not helpful. Hmmm, what can I ask instead?” It may take a minute, but you CAN replace that unhelpful question with something better. Maybe it’s as simple as “how do I stop obsessing about his motives?” Maybe it’s as big a shift as “How do I get back to feeling confident?”

The right questions ARE helpful and you will get answers, ideas, and insights from a variety of sources. That’s how your brain works. When you ask the right questions, you get useful information that will actually help you recover.

Affair Recovery Tip Number TWO: Stop rehearsing your pain.

That’s what I call it when you can’t stop telling the story. You talk through it again and again. Maybe you’re on the phone or can’t stay focused on a task at work or while you’re out socially and the topic reverts to the story of the betrayal. Maybe you mention it lightly in conversation, even to complete strangers. If you don’t nip this in the bud, the betrayal can become your identity. Don’t let that happen.

Look, it’s natural to want everyone to know what a complete cad he is, how terrible “they” are, and how very wronged you’ve been. It just isn’t helpful for your recovery. Right now, while you’re navigating your own pain, don’t ADD to it by rehearsing, reinforcing, and repeating the story of your pain.

This INCLUDES doing this in therapy. Time, energy, and money spent getting help from a professional ought to bring you actual relief. Your therapist ought to help you learn how to manage the pain and stress of betrayal, not make it worse for you by allowing you to reinforce the pain of this thing that has happened. If you have a therapist who allows this, ask for skills to cope. If they don’t respond by providing them, find a new therapist, one who specializes in affair recovery.

Does all this mean you ignore the reality? No. It means you recognize when you are reiterating the same unhelpful narrative. Notice and gently adjust your focus. That brings me to…

Affair Recovery Tip Number THREE: Focus on YOUR healing.

You need and deserve some TLC after a partner cheats. That means real tender, loving care, not necessarily indulgence. I won’t preach against using alcohol or ice-cream to soothe a terrible day, but remember what will actually help.

If you’re not sure what that is, start with this exercise: ask yourself what you already do that brings you joy? (or have EVER done historically) If joy is a reach, ask yourself what you do (or have ever done) that helps you feel strong, confident, productive, successful, alive, vibrant? Seriously, make a list. Write it down. Then make a plan for DOING more of those things on a regular, daily basis.

If you have a tough time with your list, enlist the help of a trusted friend who knows you well. You can ask, “when have you seen me at my best?” Or “when do you think I’ve been happiest?” Or even “what do you think are my greatest strengths?”

At a time when a partner cheats, you’ll benefit from positive input about YOU (not negative input about HIM) so go ahead and seek this from a trusted friend.

Take the information you receive as the starting point for coming up with those things you can DO that help you focus on your own recovery. Then DO them. Regularly.

Finally, Embrace this Time as a Chance to Heal

I know that may sound strange. But this truly is an opportunity to shake up your life, to replace anything that is not serving you, and to go ahead and live full out. No one expects you to get there right now, but keep that end-goal in mind as your objective and you absolutely WILL get there.

Human beings were made to heal. We are powerful, resilient, and adaptable.

Remember, “Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” All humans get wounded in this life. Literally, every single one of us. (If we make it out without some wounding, have we really even lived?!) And yes, having a partner cheat is definitely a whopper of a wound.

Even though it is the most pressing one right now, that wound is probably not the only one you’ve weathered in your life. Maybe you’ve limped along or survived and done pretty well despite what you’ve lived through. Good work! Let this wound be your opportunity to absolutely THRIVE from here on out.

How? Well, start by minimizing your suffering with the above tips. And of course, if you need help and support in that endeavor, find an excellent therapist, not just a good one. Find one who won’t let you sit in your wounded-ness, won’t let you ask the wrong questions, and won’t let you rehearse your pain.

Don’t have an excellent therapist? I volunteer. I’d love to help. Get on my call schedule and let’s get started. I’ll let you know exactly how this works.

BOOK NOW

He Cheated even though you’re a BOSS; How did this happen?

Let’s look at a few grounding facts, shall we? After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.
Did you know that fully 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history.

He cheated even though you’re a BOSS in every great sense of the word. What happened?

First of all, beautiful boss ladies are not immune to their mates cheating. It’s not your fault. I know you’re probably asking What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? You’re probably asking if there’s something wrong in your relationship. Or… shhhhh, from time to time, you may even be wondering if there’s something wrong with you!

While these are natural questions, they are ALL the wrong questions to ask.

That’s because the answers, no matter how in-depth, do not provide helpful information you can use. If there is one thing I have learned from more than five decades of life and ten years in this specialty it is this: infidelity is complicated. But it’s not that complicated.

In addition, we all know that if you ask the wrong questions, you get the wrong information.

I wrote about how asking the right questions prevents suffering. READ MORE HERE.

Consider these facts after he cheated.

After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.

Did you know that at least 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history. Yes, it’s painful. It presents a significant challenge. And…

The number one factor in its occurrence is not the character of either party involved, the nature of the committed relationship, or the sexual mores of a given society. The number one factor in its occurrence is… dun dun dun: opportunity.

That’s it.

Given opportunity, even monogamous, committed individuals will engage with people who are not their mates! In all cultures. Across human history.

Does that feel like a gut punch? Something you cannot prevent? I totally understand if it does.

There ARE ways to affair-proof your relationship and they are probably NOT the things that come to mind, (like hypervigilance, control, and demanding “rigorous honesty”). Psssst, I used to think the promise of an affair-proof relationship was complete BS, but now I know exactly how it works. I promise I’ll write about that in a future post, so please follow here or on socials and keep reading.

The stats are so high, they’re almost hard to believe. The universality is incredible! And just in case you resort to thinking “men are pigs” or that the involved woman is a nut case or worse, step back for a minute and consider just how common the experience is. For all of humanity. Everywhere. Throughout all time and cultures and even in all religions.

On top of that, if opportunity is the strongest indicator of its occurrence, maybe it really isn’t about him, or about her, about you, or about the relationship.

Facts about his cheating should provide perspective, if not comfort.

You’re not alone. Not by a long shot!

In fact, the vast majority of people have their own lived experience with infidelity.

That means they’ve been unfaithful, or had a partner be unfaithful, or had a parent or significant caregiver be unfaithful. And often, more than one of those options is true for any given individual. All three can apply to the same person. It’s not unusual.

Infidelity is a human experience. It’s almost always painful and it’s often devastating. Yet, there are ways to keep it from devastating you.

Let’s consider some insider information below.

The Industry Definition

Infidelity is all three of these at once:

a secret relationship,
emotional connection, and
sexual alchemy…

while one is in another relationship both partners agree is exclusive and committed.

If there’s no committed relationship, then it’s not infidelity at all. (But you know that!) There doesn’t have to be a lot of emotional connection. There doesn’t have to be ANY sexual engagement. But all three elements do have to be present. Let’s examine possibilities.

There could be a lot of emotional connection and no sexual activity. But if it’s a secret relationship, and there’s sexual chemistry, it’s still an affair. No need to call it an “emotional affair”; it’s infidelity.

If there’s sexual alchemy and some emotional connection but the spouse is aware and allows the connection, then it’s an open relationship. And if the open relationship nets jealous responses and affects the uninvolved partner negatively, then it’s probably a sad experience for everyone, but that’s not technically infidelity.

Read more about Infidelity Recovery HERE

He still cheated so why make these distinctions?

No matter what role individuals play, this drama is a common and time-worn one. It’s a very understandable drama. In certain circumstances, it’s even more likely than in other circumstances.

That doesn’t mean we find it acceptable or excusable. By and large, we do not. While cultures may have differing stances on infidelity, nearly ALL cultures, religions, and nationalities seriously frown on it.

Estel Perel, who talks about this at length in her work, and notably her book, Mating in Captivity, highlights how the American perspective differs from the French. There, bored spouses take a lover and DON’T blow up the nuclear family. In America, if someone is unhapppy, takes a lover and DOES blow up the family. While it’s common, seemingly easy, and readily available, in general, in America, it is always viewed negatively. And not merely by the people it may affect.

Is that because collectively, we, as Americans are the morality police? No. That’s not it. (Though some of us might be slightly more inclined that way than others.)

Where it is devalued and scandalized, it is not because hearts are wounded (although they surely can be), nor because we are so morally opposed to it, but, it is becuase, from a human evolutionary perspective, it’s destabilizing for a society. Rifts in relationships, family splits, dispersion of parentage, and scattered genetics all contribute to societal upheaval.

We frown on it because it is bad for societal stability.

Do the facts remove the pain when he cheats?

Certainly not. If he cheated, there is surely pain for you because of his choice. But the facts can provide what the wrong questions never will: real information that is useful and could even be helpful in your healing.

Even so, looking at the facts isn’t automatically soothing. It can be provocative or unsettling. It can bring up more questions.

So, what does the information bring up for you?

It’s always my aim to add something helpful. If you’d like help and support exploring the topic, answering the questions, or posing the right ones, reach out. I’d love to support you. There are things you can do to minimize suffering and get on with your healing as swiftly and completely as possible.

Let’s connect. Hit the button below and shoot me an email. We’ll follow-up and get your FREE consultation call scheduled as soon as possible. I can’t wait. You deserve some relief. Reach out.

CONNECT

Revealed my infidelity: now what do I do?

“I revealed my infidelity; now what do I do?”

If you’d like to preserve the relationship, here’s the short answer: continue to apologize for what you truly regret, don’t tolerate yelling, mistreatment, or real abuse as a response from your partner, and get help from a specialist, not just a “couples counselor.”

I’ll say more about each of these things.

**Apologize. Period. And only apologize.**

Listen, the only response for you to offer is a statement of empathy to your partner. Tell the truth. Don’t apologize for things you don’t regret. Not everyone is sorry they had the experience. But nearly everyone is sorry they’ve wounded their partner. Apologize for that.

Here’s what it sounds like: “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

If your partner says, “How could you do something like this?! What were you thinking?!”…

the only appropriate response is “I am so sorry.”

If they say, “Stop apologizing! That doesn’t help!”…

you can say “All I can do is apologize. I wish I could take away the pain. I am so so sorry.”

Also, don’t follow it up by making your feelings more important than theirs. It is NOT time to say: “I feel so bad that I hurt you. I feel like crap.” Your partner feels bad right now. They feel like crap. Simply apologize for hurting them.

Once you’ve revealed infidelity, everything changes for both of you. Hang in there for a bit. If you get the right kind of help, there will be time and space for your feelings. Sharing them right now makes things worse, not better. Stay focused and simply apologize.

Remove yourself from abusive reactions

Emotions are high. That’s understandable. Revealing your infidelity has changed your relationship forever. Your partner is, rightfully, reconsidering the totality of their history with you. You’ve been living with the reality of what you’ve done each step of the way, and for some people that means they’ve been living with their own reality (including their infidelity) for a very long time.

When you reveal your infidelity, it’s devastating for the betrayed partner. This is brand new for them. Having a strong reaction is normal.

Even so, keep yourself from being abused. Remove yourself from offending behavior. It won’t help anything. And, worse, it will increase everyone’s pain and give your partner something to regret.

Handle your own emotions

On the flip side, it’s devastating for you as well. You’ve violated your own value system. You’ve kept it a secret until lately. You knew the reveal would have consequences. Yet, no matter how well you know your partner, the response is always unpredictable. There’s no way you could have prepared for what is coming at you right now. But don’t allow yourself to be abused.

Most offenders experience a healthy dose of shame when revealing their transgression. Still, that does not mean you deserve to be yelled at, physically or verbally assaulted, nor do you deserve to be slandered, have your belongings scattered, or be otherwise publicly derided.

The most effective remedy for these passionate reactions is simply to remove yourself from the behavior. For some couples, that means a self-imposed timeout or time away. Some couples prefer to stay together. Just be sure your time together remains safe so neither of you are doing more harm to one another or the relationship.

No matter what you decide, let gentleness guide you. Give yourself a break. And give your partner some grace without tolerating abuse.

Find good help once infidelity is revealed.

Lots of couples split after infidelity. Still, many, many people stay together after infidelity…with and without “help” from a counselor.

But if they settle for the standard approach to “getting over” infidelity, they can almost always expect to endure permanent, residual, relationship scarring. Couples who go this standard route, run into the same issues and similar triggers even decades later.

Most couples counselors take clients through the standard protocol of answering why this happened and what needs to happen for trust to be reestablished, then they jump into attempting to create a new relationship.

But this approach can be disastrous.

It almost always piles on more shame and anxiety for both partners.

The standard protocol just can’t address foundational issues. It doesn’t provide real healing for individual core issues. It stirs up unnecessary pain. Nothing is healed. Both partners end up feeling worse. And, even when they stay together, too many couples have missed the chance to truly heal and transform their lives.

That’s just wasteful.

Be sure to hire a couples counselor who specializes in treating infide lity.

When you invest in help, find someone who can help you take this most devastating reality of your life and lead you through a recovery process that will transform your life and relationship.

If you really want to stay together, don’t settle for less.

What not to do after you’ve revealed infidelity:

Don’t make excuses or provide justification, no matter how many questions your partner asks or how much they promise they “just need to know…”
Don’t provide information it will be difficult for your partner to forget. Don’t cooperate with an interrogation, no matter how bad you feel.
Don’t allow emotions (theirs or yours) to escalate and lead to more damage, and
Don’t keep looking for answers on the internet. Finally,
Don’t hire just a run-of-the-mill counselor to help you.

You NEED a couples counselor who knows how to help you get some relief right away, help you actually recover, and effectively resolve issues in your relationship once and for all. (More on recovery after infidelity here.)

I am not the only practitioner who knows how to help you manage your pain, do no more harm, truly heal, and use this terrible time as a perfect opportunity to transform your life and relationship.

But I have definitely never met anyone more eager or more able to help. Find out if there’s space for us to work together. If you’re willing to invest yourself in real healing, this is going to change everything.

Click the button below. Let’s get started.

CONNECT

How to Recover after Infidelity

Being the Best Client During Treatment

How you recover after infidelity depends almost entirely on being the right kind of client during treatment. I’ll explain what I mean.

This quote applies: “Your wound is probably not your fault; but your healing is your responsibility.”

Especially after infidelity, this concept can be a tough one to grasp. But it’s true for BOTH of you, no matter if you’re the offender or the betrayed partner. Recovery is going to require that you take responsibility for your own healing.

Do this to Recover after Infidelity

Taking responsibility for your own healing is the FIRST step toward growth.

It means you stop blaming other people or expecting them to change.

Take a minute right now and think of your own situation. In what ways have you been hoping, maybe for years, that your partner would change, do things differently, think differently, even treat you differently? What ways do you think they want YOU to change and do things differently or treat them differently?

It might sound strange coming from a therapist, but expecting change is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

I know it especially sounds strange to say this is an unrealistic expectation when INFIDELITY has been revealed. It sounds counterintuitive, right? But changing the other person is the LAST thing you want to focus on right now.

Number One Reason to Focus on Yourself

If you’ve discovered a partner has betrayed you, focusing on them and waiting for them to “do the right thing” or to respond the “right way” is a waste of your time and energy for a number of reasons:

First, your idea of how they should respond is not the point. Expecting other people to be a certain way was never reasonable or healthy for your relationship. Expectations are different from having “standards.” Of course you ought to have personal standards for what you experience in relationship. And yes, infidelity probably doesn’t meet that standard at all. But having expectations is destructive to any relationship and it will disappoint you every time.

Secondly, it rarely (if ever) works to wait for the other person to do the “right thing”. No matter which side of the infidelity equation you’re on (offender or betrayed) actually getting another human to behave “correctly” (aka how you want them to behave) doesn’t ever work. You cannot control another human being. And if you’re hoping to influence, coerce, or manipulate them, that’s just a really unhealthy relationship tactic.

Besides, trying to get someone else to “do the right thing” takes a tremendous amount of energy. That’s energy you can focus toward something you can succeed at: doing your own healing.

But the number one reason to take complete responsibility for your self and your own healing is because it’s empowering to do so. There’s no reason on the planet you should be giving your power (your agency, your energy, your strength) to someone else. And especially you should not be giving it away when you’ve experienced a disorienting and painful heart wound like infidelity. You need that agency, energy, and strength to focus on actually healing.

If you’re going to Recover After Infidelity

Get specialized help that does NOT focus on answering why this happened and what’s wrong with the relationship. Truly helpful therapists will invite you to focus on taking responsibility for yourself. Especially in the context of couples counseling. They’ll provide effective methods- things you’ll practice in and between sessions and cognitive adjustments you can make during session and regular life- to help you weather your own pain, prevent further damage, stay focused on your actions, and allow your heart to heal.

Recovery after infidelity is not about skipping ahead and trying to make the relationship better.

So often, if that “college try” doesn’t pan out, people call it quits, invite an additional wave of upheaval and pain when they end the relationship, then feel quite justified that at least they “made an effort.”

In truth, if they’d gotten the right support to recover after infidelity, including the right approach to real healing, they’d have saved themselves a ton of suffering…and probably the relationship.

Moving on without real Recovery

Moving on is not real recovery. It doesn’t heal the wound. Yet, people do it all the time. They might even stay together.

But when there’s not real recovery and the wound is not actually healed, it affects people for the rest of their lives. A scar forms. Things change forever. After all, trust IS difficult to repair. The offender cannot make up for the transgression. The betrayed partner can’t seem to “get over” the transgression.

It either affects this current relationship for the rest of life or it affects the next one (when people are “brave” enough to try again.) Maybe, after spending time, energy, and money seeking counseling, people part ways and give up on committed relationship altogether, “content” to focus on platonic friendships for the rest of life.

No matter how you slice it, it’s still a mess.

Ready to Recover After Infidelity

Maybe you didn’t expect this enormous pain. You probably could not have imagined this would happen. Maybe you can’t believe you “did this” or “let it happen.”

Of course, ultimately the offender made a choice to go outside the relationship. No matter what, BOTH of you are in pain and the choice to truly heal lies with YOU alone, not your partner.

Remember “the wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.”

The key is to be the best kind of client, ready to do your work.

Show up to couples counseling ready to be responsible for yourself. That’s the first, most important hurdle right now. Trust me, if you can do that, you are going to recover completely. And you will do it much more quickly than the usual timeline suggests.

And if it’s hard for your to do this, I can help with that too.

I invite clients to recover after infidelity in a way that serves them for the rest of life, no matter what happens to the relationship. We look at what it means for you to fully function as a whole human being. Taking responsibility for yourself- especially now- is the first step toward freedom.

Soon you’ll be able to show up in a healthy, happy state and engage in and enjoy loving relationship. It’s your birthright. I’ll show you how to get there.

Reach out below and let’s schedule a consultation call.

CONNECT

Affair Recovery is Possible

When people discover an affair or decide to come clean, they often ask “Is affair recovery even possible?”

If this is you, don’t pay attention right now to friends, family, social media, or the internet on this one. There are a million negative opinions and they all spout off without any real wisdom on the topic. Remember, you’re an adult, it’s your relationship and your life. You get to make your own decision for your situation.

And if you’re reading this, then there’s a part of you that hopes recovery after an affair really is possible.

Of course Affair Recovery is Possible

Most people don’t choose it. I’ll explain.

But first, some sobering stats: infidelity occurs in fifty percent of committed relationships. Fifty percent! It’s staggeringly common. Maybe that’s surprising, or depressing, but it’s the truth and what is means is: you’re not alone. This is a human experience. Guess what else? Fully two thirds of people STAY together after infidelity…without professional intervention.

So, what do I mean when I say most people don’t choose to recover after an affair?

I mean they don’t do the work to actually heal individually, take complete responsibility for themselves and their actions, (I’m talking both people individually- not waiting for the other person to “shape up”) and they don’t want to actually learn and practice the skills it takes to show up differently for healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

It’s work.

Humans are designed to conserve energy, to rely on coping mechanisms, and to survive. We are biological beings, after all. But we are so much more than that.

I get it. Infidelity is a heart-crushing blow. It threatens to undo everything. It’s so disorienting! It will rock your world like nothing else.

It’s understandable if work is the last thing you want right now.

We all have our natural response to a threat or crisis. Maybe you run away. (Your automatic response is “Nope. Once a cheater…”) Maybe you fight. (You argue, insult, yell, tell everyone, throw things, retaliate.) Could be you’re like me and you freeze, trying to avoid the “unpleasantness” or you prefer to pretend nothing happened and just keep moving. And maybe, like many people, you try to protect yourself by doing all the things to preserve the relationship and hope this will never happen again.

We call those four responses to threat: fight, flight, fawn, and freeze.

Yet some people choose to actually rise to the occasion.

Despite this enormous heart wound, some people really do want to recover. Fully. Not just sweep this under the rug, not merely hang on until the pain lessens a bit, not move on to the next relationship, but truly recover.

Those willing to rise to the occasion and do their work are the clients I love to serve.

The First Question to Ask

The discovery of an affair is excruciating for the betrayed partner. The disclosure of unfaithful behavior is also painful for the offender. It draws the entire relationship into question. Each person questions the character of their partner…and themselves. They ask “How could you do this?” or “How could I do this?” and “What is wrong with you?” or “What is wrong with me?”

While those are natural first questions, (and you will come up with answers) they aren’t the most helpful questions to ask. And they aren’t helpful or healthy because the information you come up with doesn’t give you anything good to work with.

The very best question is: how do I recover from this? Notice you’re not asking if the relationship can be saved or if it’s worth it. You’re asking “How do I recover from this?”

Asking the best question will lead you to discover real help. (Hi, nice to meet you.) For more on why asking the right questions matters to your brain, check this out.

Affair Recovery is Different Here

That’s because we go through a five stage process that minimizes your pain and suffering while it moves you forward. You won’t get stuck in the pain. But you will learn constructive things to do with it.

We use an approach that respects your natural response to stress while equipping you with the strength it takes to get through this tough time.

That’s why it makes no sense for you to consult friends, family, SM, or the internet for guidance right now. The loudest voices out there are probably not the ones that honor the way you’re made and how you move through the world. And you deserve that kind of individualized attention, especially right now.

How long does Affair Recovery take?

Of course you want to know if this intense suffering is going to become your new norm. Of course you want the fastest way through the worst of this.

“Experts” say it takes 2-5 years to recover after an affair. Now, they don’t mean 2-5 years in active couples therapy. At least, let’s hope not! They mean some time in couples therapy and then years on your own. That’s too long in my book. (Read more on the timeline for recovery.)

Still, with so many people attempting to “get over” this without professional help, it’s easy to see why that’s the average statistic. But it doesn’t have to take that long. At all.

We’ll get to work making the shifts that give you the most relief right away. I’ll teach you how to decrease your suffering and be sure you’re not making it worse for yourself, the other person, or the relationship.

Even if you’re not sure if the relationship is viable, YOU deserve to fully recover. Let me help. Click on the Connect button, so we can get a call scheduled within 24 hours.

CONNECT

Thinking through your Solution

Most of us identify strongly with our own thinking and intelligence, so it can be natural to trust your brain to figure it all out. If you could just “get to the bottom of it” or “understand why this happened” you’d have your answer and solution, right?

Well, unfortunately, no.

Psssst, here’s a secret: there is no bottom when the question is “why?” There might be endless fascination digging up details and hypotheses and formulating opinions and articulating theories. And maybe at some point you’ll reach a kind of bottom in the form of a “conclusion you can live with.” Mostly, however, you’ve generated a pile of unkind, unhelpful, and often only-partially-true information that I like to say is basically a pile of manure- good only for fertilizing a garden.

When we’re talking about relationship trouble, this route almost always destroys relationship. And maybe that IS the solution you’re digging for.

If so, keep at it. Knock yourself out. Go at it until you wear yourself out or you come up with a story that helps you exit the relationship feeling “quite justified, indeed.”

But if your objective is saving a marriage, improving a relationship, creating a healthier family system, or maybe just being happier, then I have an alternative for you.

Thinking shapes relationship

The questions you give your brain are the ones it will keep working on. That’s why you have to give your subconscious (and your conscious mind) the right question to answer.

The best questions start with the word “how” and are driven by your deepest desires. Don’t cheat at this and try something like “how do I understand why this happened?” or “how do I get to the bottom of this?” Clever, but still not helpful. 😉

It could take some reflection and work to find your best “how” questions. Begin by listing all the things you really want. For example:

I want:

to feel seen and heard
this pain to be over
to stop having the same conflict over and over
to stop having the same conversation over and over
to get beyond this
to get back to the way we used to be
a way out of this mess
an escape from the misery
my partner to look at me with love
to be respected
to feel strong and independent
to be able to make a choice
to stop being “the bad guy”
a good marriage that feels good
more peace and satisfaction

You may have more or different desires. Notice, not a single one of them has anything to do with “why” things are the way they are.

Now, pick your top FIVE. What are the most pertinent and pressing desires right now? Which desires are most intense? Pick them and then just insert the word “how” in front of them. Here’s my example:

How can we stop having the same conflict over and over?
How can we get beyond this?
How do I make a choice I can live with long-term?
How can we experience a good marriage that feels good?
How do I experience more peace and satisfaction?

Then write those puppies down. Memorize them. Rehearse them. Have them handy anytime a “why” question pops into your thinking… and replace that “why” question with all the appropriate “how” questions.

Right question = Right answer

Here’s what happens when you start asking a question you can work with: you get answers you can work with. “How” questions are process questions and as such, the answers will suggest real action you can take. This is so much more productive than amassing a pile of manure that ends up being (mostly) negative in nature and downright unhelpful- except for fertilizing a garden, as I said. (In this metaphor, your relationship is NOT the garden.)

When you head into couples counseling or individual therapy aimed at improving how you show up in relationship, don’t let a therapist keep asking the “why” questions. In fact, fire anyone who keeps asking “why?” You need someone who will help you ask the right questions so you can get answers that actually move you forward. You want help that will actually get you somewhere instead of stuck in thinking mode.

Disclaimer

First, realize that ALL therapists are naturally interested in “why” questions. Um, hello, we all STUDY human behavior. We all PAID a significant amount of money to have an excuse to ask the “why” questions to our heart’s content. But hopefully, the therapist you employ has enough sense to know that answering the “why” questions doesn’t provide any information on how to live a better life or how to have a healthier relationship.

Secondly, no matter who you hire, don’t expect them to be your only source for answers. They’ll help. AND you will get answers from various places, sometimes unexpected sources. This doesn’t mean your therapist is not doing their job. That’s simply how the brain works. If you pose a question to your big, beautiful brain, it will keep looking for answers everywhere it collects information. You can bring that information to a good therapist and ask that they check your thinking and application.

Now you: start by listing all your heart’s desires. What do you want to experience, to have, and be in life and relationship? Then, pick your top five and turn them into “how” questions.

Need help doing this? Or need help following through on the objective these how questions bring to the surface? Let’s connect.

Shoot me an email and we will get you a FREE consultation call scheduled as soon as possible.CONNECT