Letting Go; tips to help you do it

Letting go gets recommended a lot, by well-meaning individuals, by healing professionals, and by growth-minded communities.

“Just let it go.”

“You’ll feel better if you just let that go.”

“Let Go and Let God.”

Learning to let go is super important. In fact, having this skill firmly in hand is key to your growth. Still, many people struggle with it. They may say things to themselves like:

“I know I really need to let go, but…I’m not sure I’m ready to let go.”

“Do I want to let this go?”

“I can’t let this go.”

A hidden belief often reinforces such a stance. People have ideas about what should happen… if they just hold on tight! Or some fear about what might happen if they simply let go. Then there’s the talk about how hard it is to do. In fact:

Letting go is easy.

I often say to clients: “it’s only hard until it isn’t. It only feels hard. When you turn the corner, it’s super easy.” In fact, many things about being healthier are really, really simple. That doesn’t always mean it’s easy. But when it become easy, it’s super easy!

Letting go is one of the easiest things you will ever do.

It’s kind of counterintuitive because DOING it is all about NOT doing something else.

Don’t hold onto that. Don’t worry about that. Don’t let that take up your time, energy, and brain space.

But how, you ask?

These Tips will Help in Letting Go Intentionally

Once you realize and target the thing you fear will happen if you let go, or the thing you think you’re preventing by hanging on, it’s actually very simple.

Possible negative beliefs might be: If I let it go, he’ll get away with it; she’ll keep behaving like that; the kids won’t understand how awful he really is; people will judge me instead of her, or him, or them. If I let go, it means I never cared. If I hang on real tight, I can change the outcome.

Things we believe can drive us, even subconsciously, so if one of the above hits a nerve or you have a response like “well, that’s right! It’s not a negative belief” you may have just discovered your negative belief. (Psssst, none of the above statements are true.) If you need help getting to the bottom of your belief, any really good therapist can help with that. (I volunteer.)

Here’s a little exercise you can try in order to uncover it yourself:

Take a stab at what you think might happen if you let go, or what you’re preventing by holding on so tight. Write it down.

Then ask yourself, “so then what?” Write your response and do it again.

So, then what? Write your response, then ask again: so, then what?

Ask this until you get to the bottom and origin belief underneath all of it. That’s your driving negative belief.

Here’s a common example from my work with clients

If I let go of this resentment, it means I’m condoning his bad behavior. So then what?

If I condone his bad behavior, then it means what he did doesn’t matter. So then what?

If what he does doesn’t matter, does my pain matter? So then what?

If my pain doesn’t matter, do I even matter? So then what?

I can’t let go of this resentment or it means I don’t matter!

Don’t feel like doing that? Or don’t know what to do once you get to the bottom?

Try these:

1. Take a deep breath

Make it really deep. Now, let it out even more slowly than your inhale. Do this at least three times.

You don’t need to think about anything while you do this or focus on anything particular. But, if after three deep inhales and slow exhales, you can focus like this:

On the inhale, focus on the “worry” or the thing you’re holding onto.
On the exhale, breathe out the “worry” along with the air.

Do it more than once if you need to. Do it as often as the “worry” pops back up.

2. Practice the Existential Process

This is a method I teach clients so they can use it both in and out of session. It goes like this:

Identify reality as if it is a thing we could all agree on if it were posted on a marquee or banner. This is not interpretive. It’s just the facts, ma’am.

Let that wave of reality wash over you. We do physical gestures where one fist is a rock, the other hand is the wave of reality washing over the rock. Actually make the gesture; it’s not hokey, physical movement helps underscore new perceptions.

Then, “come to neutral.” Resist evaluating something as either good or bad. You’re neither condoning nor giving any energy to what should not be.

Take a nice exhale and relax.

I’m not foolish; I know it can be difficult to let go.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see when something is actually doing us harm. When we hang onto resentments, past wounds, old traumas, and negative thinking, it can feel as if we’re protecting ourselves. Sometimes we can think we’re “holding others accountable”. But we’re really just wasting our own energy. And that is a real waste of life!

As a result, it means we’re doing at least as much harm to ourselves as the original “worry” we’re hanging onto.

If it is difficult, get some support. Make sure you’re not resisting the wrong thing and inadvertently just adding more tension in your relationship with your particular “worry”. Pssst, your well-meaning friends are NOT a good source for this kind of support.

Employ a skilled therapist who can aid you in letting go of the right things and help you pay attention to the important things. You should not have to figure this out on your own.

Bottom line, the good news is that letting go is an easy skill you CAN develop with the right focus and guidance. Don’t waste more precious time and energy increasing your pain. Reach out and let me help. Let’s schedule a call to discuss ways we can work together.

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Why Do Men Cheat?

Why do men cheat? Let’s discuss.

There are lots of answers to that question. Not all of them are correct. Not all answers apply in a given situation. Of course, men cheat for the same reasons women cheat. But let’s also take a more nuanced look at what is going on for men in particular.

Hi. I’m a Relationship Expert, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and I have treated hundreds of men in this specialty over the past ten years. I have thorough knowledge and training in Psychology. I am qualified to diagnose and treat ALL kinds of Mental Health Disorders and I use the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, edition 5) published by the American Psychiatric Association for diagnoses.

That’s important because people can think that cheaters are just sick, demented, mentally ill, have a personality disorder, or, are unequivocally, “absolute narcissists.” I hear this a lot. It’s very trendy, in fact.

It’s very rarely the case.

The fact is that narcissism occurs in one half to six percent of the population. That range is based on research and it rings true according to my experience. In my practice, where I specialize in treating infidelity and where there’s bias for people with disorders, the lower end of that range is what I consistently see.

Just because a man is unfaithful, even if he is a “serial cheater,” does not mean he’s a narcissist or that he is sick or mentally ill in any other way.

Infidelity is a human foible, not a mental disorder.

Even if a label were accurate, it won’t actually help you navigate this.

Here’s why:

Having a partner cheat is painful. There is no doubt about that. It can throw everything into question and feel absolutely devastating. But, be careful with your theories on why he cheated. We don’t want the conclusions you reach to cause YOU more pain.

It seems easier and easier to throw a label on top of infidelity and call it good. Yet, that’s not actually helpful.

Sometimes a label or diagnosis can lend understanding and perspective. As in aha, that’s what we’re dealing with! That’s good and it’s the intention of getting a diagnosis. (An actual diagnosis from a trained professional who administers the diagnosis directly to the person). Mental health labels were never intended to be used as justification to shame another human.

But when labels are used as weapons to shame and blame, they actually end up hurting the person who applies the label. Why? It reinforces a victimhood narrative and that it a very weak position. Victim stance ultimately robs the victim of power and agency. You were acted upon versus something simply happening (or someone else choosing to hurt you) and, as a strong person, you adapted and managed reality. The latter is much more powerful.

Victimhood can soon become one’s identity! Once that’s allowed, it can be very difficult to shift. Resist this easy tendency. It will end up hurting YOU.

I wrote specifically about FOUR things you can do right now to help yourself suffer less if your partner has cheated. READ HERE

So, Why DO Men Cheat?

Well, they definitely cheat for the obvious reasons:

their marriage is unfulfilling, or stale, or boring
they’re not getting sex or validation within the marriage (which is different than boredom)
they aren’t getting the emotional attention and connection they want and crave
it makes them feel alive and attractive
they want to have (more) attention/validation/respect from someone
it’s fun!
it feels good
it’s readily available and easy to do
they feel younger, vibrant, desired
they’re selfish
they’re immature
yada yada yada

If we are honest, there are many REASONS for being unfaithful. No matter who we are.

The question is not “why would a man cheat?” but “what would keep him from cheating?” That’s much more interesting information. (I will write about affair-proofing a relationship in an article soon, I promise.)

Ultimately, the decision to be unfaithful is a unilateral decision to go outside the marital relationship (perhaps instead of working out the problems within it). As such, it DOES demonstrate selfishness, maybe immaturity, perhaps a sense of entitlement and a lack of consideration for a mate’s feelings.

So we CAN say that infidelity is ALWAYS evidence of someone being selfish. But what else can we say about it for sure?

We Cannot Draw Many Universal Conclusions About Why Men Cheat

Contributions to a man’s decision are unique to each individual and situation.

What I can tell you is that it is not your fault. You did not make that unilateral decision. He did. The relationship may not have supplied enough reasons for him not to cheat, (can you stomach that double negative?) but that does not fall entirely on your shoulders either! (Listen, with good counseling you can derive the proper amount of responsibility later; just suffice it to say, he is responsible for his actions. Period.)

There are complicating factors that lead each individual man to make the decision to cross a line, follow it up, and follow through.

I have ONE MORE insight to share and it may surprise you!

I’m not sure you’re going to like it, though. This one can be a hard truth to face. Just remember, it’s based on work with hundreds of people who have faced infidelity. Please also keep in mind that my objective here is to help.

If you CAN handle the truth, this will help because it will save you time and energy wasted in anguish. The truth is:

If Your Man Cheated and Then Married his Affair Partner…

…it’s a very strong indicator that he cheated because he was seeking LOVE. Simply put, his experience of acceptance, acknowledgement, respect, and care is greater for him within that connection than in the relationship with you. Period.

Of course this is hard to hear.

It’s also very true.

And it does not have to make sense to you. His perception and experience within your relationship can be entirely different from your experience. In fact, it IS very different from your experience and perspective. That’s because you’re both individuals and separate human beings. You don’t have to see things the way he sees them. But do listen to his ACTIONS.

If your man cheated and then married his affair partner, it’s because he wanted to continue to experience the love and acceptance he enjoys in that relationship.

It is NOT because the affair partner pressured him or made him do anything. He chose to cheat. He chose to leave. And he made the choice to commit to her. You will be better off and spend far less time agonizing if you are able to see this clearly and accept it.

Don’t Wait For Him to Regret His Choice

Rarely, and I mean very rarely will a man regret leaving a marriage partner and marrying his affair partner. This CAN happen, but only in cases where the new relationship itself is more toxic and dysfunctional than the last. Here are the specifics:

Regret happens in instances where the affair partner has a clinically diagnosable disorder that negatively affects the relationship AND when children suffer because their parents are no longer together.

Remember however, slapping on a clinical label is never a good idea. You’re probably wrong about it anyway. And, people can still navigate loving relationships while managing mental health concerns. (Pssst, it’s what I help people do all the time.) Resist the urge to label. It really only hurts YOU.

The most painful break-ups are those that include a third party. For some reason, the knowledge your mate already has someone and is choosing them over you can cut the deepest. Be careful you don’t get stuck there.

If a man makes a commitment to his new relationship, for your own sake, let go as soon and as thoroughly as possible. It sucks. I know! You are not a victim of his choices. You are the master of yours. So choose to see this truth and to accept it.

The Best Way to Recover After A Man Cheats

Knowing WHY he cheated is not as important as knowing what to do next. Thankfully there ARE things you can DO to recover.

On top of the four tips explained HERE, get some focused professional support.

Do not employ someone who allows you merely to tell the story while they validate your feelings. You need more than that. Be sure your therapist is focused on getting you relief from your pain. They ought to be able to correct you and outline exactly what you’re doing that intensifies and thereby increases your suffering. They ought to be able to give you real skills to stop doing what hurts you and teach you how to manage your pain. You should definitely experience some relief.

Women who recover together grow exponentially. That’s why, in 2016, I began a women’s group that has grown into a nationwide, online group for Strong, Smart, and Savvy Women. I call it SSS Life. If it’s still May, 2025, then enrollment is open for SSS Life, but only a little longer. Members are at all stages of their recovery and we want you to have your complete healing too. Check it out here. Then please join us.

Whether or not you already have a therapist, this group will lead you to complete recovery. It will help you make a decision about the relationship if you haven’t already. You’ll know when to trust again, and when (and how) to forgive. You’ll know how to respond in any situation that comes up, including future connections. Access to the step-by-step process and doing it with other women will bring healing just as quickly as possible. I’m really pleased and humbled that it has helped so many people. And I’d like to help you.

Of course, if you’d like to work together one on one instead, the first step is getting a FREE Consultation Call scheduled. You can use the call to ask about the group too. Let’s talk soon and get you the relief you deserve

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He Cheated even though you’re a BOSS; How did this happen?

Let’s look at a few grounding facts, shall we? After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.
Did you know that fully 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history.

He cheated even though you’re a BOSS in every great sense of the word. What happened?

First of all, beautiful boss ladies are not immune to their mates cheating. It’s not your fault. I know you’re probably asking What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? You’re probably asking if there’s something wrong in your relationship. Or… shhhhh, from time to time, you may even be wondering if there’s something wrong with you!

While these are natural questions, they are ALL the wrong questions to ask.

That’s because the answers, no matter how in-depth, do not provide helpful information you can use. If there is one thing I have learned from more than five decades of life and ten years in this specialty it is this: infidelity is complicated. But it’s not that complicated.

In addition, we all know that if you ask the wrong questions, you get the wrong information.

I wrote about how asking the right questions prevents suffering. READ MORE HERE.

Consider these facts after he cheated.

After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.

Did you know that at least 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history. Yes, it’s painful. It presents a significant challenge. And…

The number one factor in its occurrence is not the character of either party involved, the nature of the committed relationship, or the sexual mores of a given society. The number one factor in its occurrence is… dun dun dun: opportunity.

That’s it.

Given opportunity, even monogamous, committed individuals will engage with people who are not their mates! In all cultures. Across human history.

Does that feel like a gut punch? Something you cannot prevent? I totally understand if it does.

There ARE ways to affair-proof your relationship and they are probably NOT the things that come to mind, (like hypervigilance, control, and demanding “rigorous honesty”). Psssst, I used to think the promise of an affair-proof relationship was complete BS, but now I know exactly how it works. I promise I’ll write about that in a future post, so please follow here or on socials and keep reading.

The stats are so high, they’re almost hard to believe. The universality is incredible! And just in case you resort to thinking “men are pigs” or that the involved woman is a nut case or worse, step back for a minute and consider just how common the experience is. For all of humanity. Everywhere. Throughout all time and cultures and even in all religions.

On top of that, if opportunity is the strongest indicator of its occurrence, maybe it really isn’t about him, or about her, about you, or about the relationship.

Facts about his cheating should provide perspective, if not comfort.

You’re not alone. Not by a long shot!

In fact, the vast majority of people have their own lived experience with infidelity.

That means they’ve been unfaithful, or had a partner be unfaithful, or had a parent or significant caregiver be unfaithful. And often, more than one of those options is true for any given individual. All three can apply to the same person. It’s not unusual.

Infidelity is a human experience. It’s almost always painful and it’s often devastating. Yet, there are ways to keep it from devastating you.

Let’s consider some insider information below.

The Industry Definition

Infidelity is all three of these at once:

a secret relationship,
emotional connection, and
sexual alchemy…

while one is in another relationship both partners agree is exclusive and committed.

If there’s no committed relationship, then it’s not infidelity at all. (But you know that!) There doesn’t have to be a lot of emotional connection. There doesn’t have to be ANY sexual engagement. But all three elements do have to be present. Let’s examine possibilities.

There could be a lot of emotional connection and no sexual activity. But if it’s a secret relationship, and there’s sexual chemistry, it’s still an affair. No need to call it an “emotional affair”; it’s infidelity.

If there’s sexual alchemy and some emotional connection but the spouse is aware and allows the connection, then it’s an open relationship. And if the open relationship nets jealous responses and affects the uninvolved partner negatively, then it’s probably a sad experience for everyone, but that’s not technically infidelity.

Read more about Infidelity Recovery HERE

He still cheated so why make these distinctions?

No matter what role individuals play, this drama is a common and time-worn one. It’s a very understandable drama. In certain circumstances, it’s even more likely than in other circumstances.

That doesn’t mean we find it acceptable or excusable. By and large, we do not. While cultures may have differing stances on infidelity, nearly ALL cultures, religions, and nationalities seriously frown on it.

Estel Perel, who talks about this at length in her work, and notably her book, Mating in Captivity, highlights how the American perspective differs from the French. There, bored spouses take a lover and DON’T blow up the nuclear family. In America, if someone is unhapppy, takes a lover and DOES blow up the family. While it’s common, seemingly easy, and readily available, in general, in America, it is always viewed negatively. And not merely by the people it may affect.

Is that because collectively, we, as Americans are the morality police? No. That’s not it. (Though some of us might be slightly more inclined that way than others.)

Where it is devalued and scandalized, it is not because hearts are wounded (although they surely can be), nor because we are so morally opposed to it, but, it is becuase, from a human evolutionary perspective, it’s destabilizing for a society. Rifts in relationships, family splits, dispersion of parentage, and scattered genetics all contribute to societal upheaval.

We frown on it because it is bad for societal stability.

Do the facts remove the pain when he cheats?

Certainly not. If he cheated, there is surely pain for you because of his choice. But the facts can provide what the wrong questions never will: real information that is useful and could even be helpful in your healing.

Even so, looking at the facts isn’t automatically soothing. It can be provocative or unsettling. It can bring up more questions.

So, what does the information bring up for you?

It’s always my aim to add something helpful. If you’d like help and support exploring the topic, answering the questions, or posing the right ones, reach out. I’d love to support you. There are things you can do to minimize suffering and get on with your healing as swiftly and completely as possible.

Let’s connect. Hit the button below and shoot me an email. We’ll follow-up and get your FREE consultation call scheduled as soon as possible. I can’t wait. You deserve some relief. Reach out.

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Revealed my infidelity: now what do I do?

“I revealed my infidelity; now what do I do?”

If you’d like to preserve the relationship, here’s the short answer: continue to apologize for what you truly regret, don’t tolerate yelling, mistreatment, or real abuse as a response from your partner, and get help from a specialist, not just a “couples counselor.”

I’ll say more about each of these things.

**Apologize. Period. And only apologize.**

Listen, the only response for you to offer is a statement of empathy to your partner. Tell the truth. Don’t apologize for things you don’t regret. Not everyone is sorry they had the experience. But nearly everyone is sorry they’ve wounded their partner. Apologize for that.

Here’s what it sounds like: “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

If your partner says, “How could you do something like this?! What were you thinking?!”…

the only appropriate response is “I am so sorry.”

If they say, “Stop apologizing! That doesn’t help!”…

you can say “All I can do is apologize. I wish I could take away the pain. I am so so sorry.”

Also, don’t follow it up by making your feelings more important than theirs. It is NOT time to say: “I feel so bad that I hurt you. I feel like crap.” Your partner feels bad right now. They feel like crap. Simply apologize for hurting them.

Once you’ve revealed infidelity, everything changes for both of you. Hang in there for a bit. If you get the right kind of help, there will be time and space for your feelings. Sharing them right now makes things worse, not better. Stay focused and simply apologize.

Remove yourself from abusive reactions

Emotions are high. That’s understandable. Revealing your infidelity has changed your relationship forever. Your partner is, rightfully, reconsidering the totality of their history with you. You’ve been living with the reality of what you’ve done each step of the way, and for some people that means they’ve been living with their own reality (including their infidelity) for a very long time.

When you reveal your infidelity, it’s devastating for the betrayed partner. This is brand new for them. Having a strong reaction is normal.

Even so, keep yourself from being abused. Remove yourself from offending behavior. It won’t help anything. And, worse, it will increase everyone’s pain and give your partner something to regret.

Handle your own emotions

On the flip side, it’s devastating for you as well. You’ve violated your own value system. You’ve kept it a secret until lately. You knew the reveal would have consequences. Yet, no matter how well you know your partner, the response is always unpredictable. There’s no way you could have prepared for what is coming at you right now. But don’t allow yourself to be abused.

Most offenders experience a healthy dose of shame when revealing their transgression. Still, that does not mean you deserve to be yelled at, physically or verbally assaulted, nor do you deserve to be slandered, have your belongings scattered, or be otherwise publicly derided.

The most effective remedy for these passionate reactions is simply to remove yourself from the behavior. For some couples, that means a self-imposed timeout or time away. Some couples prefer to stay together. Just be sure your time together remains safe so neither of you are doing more harm to one another or the relationship.

No matter what you decide, let gentleness guide you. Give yourself a break. And give your partner some grace without tolerating abuse.

Find good help once infidelity is revealed.

Lots of couples split after infidelity. Still, many, many people stay together after infidelity…with and without “help” from a counselor.

But if they settle for the standard approach to “getting over” infidelity, they can almost always expect to endure permanent, residual, relationship scarring. Couples who go this standard route, run into the same issues and similar triggers even decades later.

Most couples counselors take clients through the standard protocol of answering why this happened and what needs to happen for trust to be reestablished, then they jump into attempting to create a new relationship.

But this approach can be disastrous.

It almost always piles on more shame and anxiety for both partners.

The standard protocol just can’t address foundational issues. It doesn’t provide real healing for individual core issues. It stirs up unnecessary pain. Nothing is healed. Both partners end up feeling worse. And, even when they stay together, too many couples have missed the chance to truly heal and transform their lives.

That’s just wasteful.

Be sure to hire a couples counselor who specializes in treating infide lity.

When you invest in help, find someone who can help you take this most devastating reality of your life and lead you through a recovery process that will transform your life and relationship.

If you really want to stay together, don’t settle for less.

What not to do after you’ve revealed infidelity:

Don’t make excuses or provide justification, no matter how many questions your partner asks or how much they promise they “just need to know…”
Don’t provide information it will be difficult for your partner to forget. Don’t cooperate with an interrogation, no matter how bad you feel.
Don’t allow emotions (theirs or yours) to escalate and lead to more damage, and
Don’t keep looking for answers on the internet. Finally,
Don’t hire just a run-of-the-mill counselor to help you.

You NEED a couples counselor who knows how to help you get some relief right away, help you actually recover, and effectively resolve issues in your relationship once and for all. (More on recovery after infidelity here.)

I am not the only practitioner who knows how to help you manage your pain, do no more harm, truly heal, and use this terrible time as a perfect opportunity to transform your life and relationship.

But I have definitely never met anyone more eager or more able to help. Find out if there’s space for us to work together. If you’re willing to invest yourself in real healing, this is going to change everything.

Click the button below. Let’s get started.

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After Infidelity DO this.

It’s a devastating and disorienting trauma. But what do you DO? One hundred percent of people who fully recover do this one thing. This might come as an absolute shock to you but I’ll give you this one for FREE.

What do you do after infidelity?

It’s a staggering event. A devastating trauma. And it’s devastating for BOTH partners, believe it or not.

One hundred percent of the people I’ve treated who are the Offending partner have, in fact, violated their own value system. That, in itself, is devastating and disorienting. So trust me when I say you’re both hurting.

But what do you DO?

Most people scour the interwebs, (hello and welcome!) try to figure out why this happened, uncover what’s wrong with him, which “type” of infidelity this is, try to see a couples counselor, try to get him to participate… and they use every coping skill they can muster.

You are likely no different. It is, after all, the way you found me.

Now, look, I know you have some specific ways you’ve responded to this event. Perhaps you’ve cried or screamed or kept very quiet or you’ve told his family and tried to get his best friends to talk sense to him. You’ve told him again and again how much it hurts or how illogical it is. Maybe you’ve secretly or openly checked his phone, tracked his movements. Perhaps you’ve tried to be just as sweet and loving as possible.

In short, you’ve relied on everything you could think of to deal with this and hopefully get him to shape up and see the light.

In addition, you’ve relied on all your internal natural tendencies: soothing yourself (in as many ways as possible) or distracting yourself, or moving through it by being busy, taking care of business, and taking care of others.

And there’s nothing wrong with all of that.

Except that it’s not truly helpful. And it’s not the most important thing you can do right now.

The Best Thing you can DO After Infidelity

This might come as an absolute SHOCK but it’s THE FIRST THING to do and I’ll give you this one for FREE:

Stop rehearsing the pain.

That means stop talking about it. It means stop focusing on it. Stop reliving it.

You’ve got to stop venting and telling the stories about what you uncovered, what he did, how the kids are traumatized, how you can’t believe he did this. Just stop giving voice to your anger and sadness and uncertainty.

STOP TALKING about it.

Not even to yourself.

Know why? You’re making this harder on YOU. You are cementing your pain. You’re NOT processing it. You’re making it so much WORSE. And you deserve better than that.

You’re also making it way less likely he will ever “come around” and behave the way you really want him to. After all, you are cementing the pain for him too. Even if you keep that pain to yourself and just internalize it, you are negatively affecting your relationship by rehearsing that energy and contention.

Yuck. Who wants to live like that? Even for a few days or weeks or months, much less years?!

Don’t do it. Just stop rehearsing the pain.

Simple, right? But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. But it is really important to actually DO it. I’ve seen so many people (men and women) who keep rehearsing and nursing their pain…literally for YEARS and they have still not recovered, to say nothing of the state of the relationship. Don’t let that be you!

Some of you might actually manage to stop rehearsing the pain on your own. Good for you! In fact, you might even have ways that work for truly processing the pain and allowing it to heal.

Still, I realize many of you are going to have trouble doing that on your own. Plus, I know you might need and want someone to help with that and with knowing what comes next. That’s what I’m here for. That’s why I run programs for women whose partners have cheated.

APPLY for a call. We’ll consult and see about getting you some REAL help with this first step and the next and the next.

And yes, I have very limited availability for couples and individuals for one on one sessions. CONTACT ME to see if there are openings.

After Infidelity; sometimes long after

How do you survive after infidelity? Can relationships really be saved? Can they really come back better than ever? People present these questions to me all the time.

Let’s face it; infidelity is the worst.

Yet, we all know that infidelity happens.

A local training brochure that went out to psychotherapists here in Ohio claims 50% of committed relationships include infidelity. Yikes! I think that percentage has to be high. I just don’t want to believe that statistic. I bet you don’t either! Still, for some of us, knowing it’s a common issue can have the effect of making people who are experiencing it feel not so alone, not completely crazy, maybe even hopeful.

After all, if others live through it and heal after it, you can too, right?

We don’t lack science and research on infidelity.

People publish a ton of stuff on the reasons people cheat, the why behind it, the psychology of betrayal and studies on monogamy. Theories abound. Most can be twisted and contorted to support most any end-perspective.

Have you heard anyone say “we’re just not wired for monogamy” or “sure, that was easy back when life expectancy was 45?”

Some people believe “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Others think “it always takes two.”

Still others think there is no more vile creature on the planet than “the adulterer.” Once marked, he or she is marked with the scarlet A forever.

What’s your perspective on infidelity?

Does it match one of the above? If it does, I’d venture to guess you’ve been wounded by it at some point. I’m also going to say that none of those perspectives are truly helpful.

Oh sure, those adages help us survive, to assimilate the knowledge of the betrayal, they help us “make sense” of a bewildering human phenomenon. But they don’t help us truly heal.

Sometimes we think healing after a broken heart just never really happens. We might think we’re wounded for life. Of perhaps maybe we think “time heals all wounds.” Actually, neither one of those extremes is very true.

Healing needs to be intentional. If it isn’t, time can pass without much real living taking place.You don’t have to sit in the wounding of betrayal for years, decades, the rest of life. You really don’t.

You don’t have to endlessly carry the weight of your infidelity either.

See what I suggested there? Infidelity is painful, painful, painful for both the betrayed and for the offender. If you could see what I see, you’d know the truth of this.

Infidelity changes people forever,

no matter what side of the equation they’re on. And many, many offenders avoid getting help from a professional because they sense they’ll be judged…by people who are supposed to be trained to actually help. The unfortunate thing is that often they are judged by those people. Or professionals are ill-equipped to address the complexity of the situation.

And that never truly helps. In fact, sometimes it can make things a whole lot worse. I don’t want that to happen to you. I’m on a mission to provide effective and easily accessible intervention for you… even when one or both of you are not “naturally inclined” toward therapy. Even if you’ve never sought help for anything before.

No matter how you’re made…

You deserve to thrive again after infidelity.

That’s exactly our aim when we work together. And it does not matter if you are coming in alone, as a couple, or if you are trying to resolve issues from an affair that’s current, newly terminated, or that happened a long time ago. It doesn’t even matter if no one else knows about it. If there’s healing needed, we’ll go after it for you- and in a way that makes sense to you.

CONNECT

Maybe you’re not ready to work with a therapist or coach one-on-one. That’s okay too.

Resources to serve you:

Check out my book: After the Affair: Healing for the Offender. If you’re the Betrayed or the Offender, this guidebook (the only one of its kind: written directly to the Offender) provides the truth behind why this thing happened and, even more importantly, gives you an effective guide through and beyond it. For some people, the book will be enough. For some, it’ll just be a start. It will be helpful for everyone involved.

Are you a Woman whose partner has cheated? My Women’s Program, Infidelity Recovery Fast Track is just for you. Other women just like you have had the same thing happen (often after decades of marriage, with children and a great life.) They recover FULLY when they take the right approach. Fill out your application, we’ll schedule your call and get you started right away.