He cheated even though you’re a BOSS in every great sense of the word. What happened?
First of all, beautiful boss ladies are not immune to their mates cheating. It’s not your fault. I know you’re probably asking What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? You’re probably asking if there’s something wrong in your relationship. Or… shhhhh, from time to time, you may even be wondering if there’s something wrong with you!
While these are natural questions, they are ALL the wrong questions to ask.
That’s because the answers, no matter how in-depth, do not provide helpful information you can use. If there is one thing I have learned from more than five decades of life and ten years in this specialty it is this: infidelity is complicated. But it’s not that complicated.
In addition, we all know that if you ask the wrong questions, you get the wrong information.
I wrote about how asking the right questions prevents suffering. READ MORE HERE.
Consider these facts after he cheated.
After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.
Did you know that at least 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history. Yes, it’s painful. It presents a significant challenge. And…
The number one factor in its occurrence is not the character of either party involved, the nature of the committed relationship, or the sexual mores of a given society. The number one factor in its occurrence is… dun dun dun: opportunity.
That’s it.
Given opportunity, even monogamous, committed individuals will engage with people who are not their mates! In all cultures. Across human history.
Does that feel like a gut punch? Something you cannot prevent? I totally understand if it does.
There ARE ways to affair-proof your relationship and they are probably NOT the things that come to mind, (like hypervigilance, control, and demanding “rigorous honesty”). Psssst, I used to think the promise of an affair-proof relationship was complete BS, but now I know exactly how it works. I promise I’ll write about that in a future post, so please follow here or on socials and keep reading.
The stats are so high, they’re almost hard to believe. The universality is incredible! And just in case you resort to thinking “men are pigs” or that the involved woman is a nut case or worse, step back for a minute and consider just how common the experience is. For all of humanity. Everywhere. Throughout all time and cultures and even in all religions.
On top of that, if opportunity is the strongest indicator of its occurrence, maybe it really isn’t about him, or about her, about you, or about the relationship.
Facts about his cheating should provide perspective, if not comfort.
You’re not alone. Not by a long shot!
In fact, the vast majority of people have their own lived experience with infidelity.
That means they’ve been unfaithful, or had a partner be unfaithful, or had a parent or significant caregiver be unfaithful. And often, more than one of those options is true for any given individual. All three can apply to the same person. It’s not unusual.
Infidelity is a human experience. It’s almost always painful and it’s often devastating. Yet, there are ways to keep it from devastating you.
Let’s consider some insider information below.
The Industry Definition
Infidelity is all three of these at once:
- a secret relationship,
- emotional connection, and
- sexual alchemy…
while one is in another relationship both partners agree is exclusive and committed.
If there’s no committed relationship, then it’s not infidelity at all. (But you know that!) There doesn’t have to be a lot of emotional connection. There doesn’t have to be ANY sexual engagement. But all three elements do have to be present. Let’s examine possibilities.
There could be a lot of emotional connection and no sexual activity. But if it’s a secret relationship, and there’s sexual chemistry, it’s still an affair. No need to call it an “emotional affair”; it’s infidelity.
If there’s sexual alchemy and some emotional connection but the spouse is aware and allows the connection, then it’s an open relationship. And if the open relationship nets jealous responses and affects the uninvolved partner negatively, then it’s probably a sad experience for everyone, but that’s not technically infidelity.
Read more about Infidelity Recovery HERE
He still cheated so why make these distinctions?
No matter what role individuals play, this drama is a common and time-worn one. It’s a very understandable drama. In certain circumstances, it’s even more likely than in other circumstances.
That doesn’t mean we find it acceptable or excusable. By and large, we do not. While cultures may have differing stances on infidelity, nearly ALL cultures, religions, and nationalities seriously frown on it.
Estel Perel, who talks about this at length in her work, and notably her book, Mating in Captivity, highlights how the American perspective differs from the French. There, bored spouses take a lover and DON’T blow up the nuclear family. In America, if someone is unhapppy, takes a lover and DOES blow up the family. While it’s common, seemingly easy, and readily available, in general, in America, it is always viewed negatively. And not merely by the people it may affect.
Is that because collectively, we, as Americans are the morality police? No. That’s not it. (Though some of us might be slightly more inclined that way than others.)
Where it is devalued and scandalized, it is not because hearts are wounded (although they surely can be), nor because we are so morally opposed to it, but, it is becuase, from a human evolutionary perspective, it’s destabilizing for a society. Rifts in relationships, family splits, dispersion of parentage, and scattered genetics all contribute to societal upheaval.
We frown on it because it is bad for societal stability.
Do the facts remove the pain when he cheats?
Certainly not. If he cheated, there is surely pain for you because of his choice. But the facts can provide what the wrong questions never will: real information that is useful and could even be helpful in your healing.
Even so, looking at the facts isn’t automatically soothing. It can be provocative or unsettling. It can bring up more questions.
So, what does the information bring up for you?
It’s always my aim to add something helpful. If you’d like help and support exploring the topic, answering the questions, or posing the right ones, reach out. I’d love to support you. There are things you can do to minimize suffering and get on with your healing as swiftly and completely as possible.
Let’s connect. Hit the button below and shoot me an email. We’ll follow-up and get your FREE consultation call scheduled as soon as possible. I can’t wait. You deserve some relief. Reach out.