Tag: Choosing a therapist

How to Resolve Conflict

Resolving conflict can be a fraught topic. Why is that?

You’re IN your relationships, so the movement, patterns, stresses and joys of them, are something you just DO and HAVE.

But there’s one thing that determines how healthy they actually are. Like most truly valuable things, it’s SIMPLE. You’ve probably heard me say that simple doesn’t automatically translate as EASY, but stick with me. 

Ready for it? This is the one thing that determines how healthy your relationships are:

It’s how you resolve conflict.

It’s not the ABSENCE of conflict in relationships that determines their happiness or health. Maybe you’ve heard me say one person made this way, moving through the world like so, with these core issues — plus another person made their way, moving through the world as they do, with their core issues MEANS conflict. Guaranteed.

One human + one human = conflict.

At some point. 

It’s inevitable. It’s human. And in fact, it’s psychologically healthy.

BUT! The singular thing that is a barometer of the HEALTH of your relationship is HOW well the two of you navigate conflict.

Here’s what happens when you don’t resolve conflict well:

You both create an undercurrent of unresolved tension. When this builds up over time, I call this Empathy Gridlock. That’s because, ultimately (even when you’re not aware of exactly what that thing is) you each want something from the other, but you’re not getting what you want in the relationship and so, neither of you budge giving the other what they truly want! Hence, Empathy Gridlock.

Sometimes people in this state agree to be miserable together. 

Some humans actually stay together in this state for quite a long time. We all know old couples who bicker like children, are general curmudgeons — at least one of them is — and they live out their lives never doing anything different.

But should YOU? I always side with people being as healthy as possible, so my answer to that is, “Oh my goodness, don’t do that when you don’t have to. Why would you!?”

Most of the couples who come to see me are in a state of Empathy Gridlock and we get to work busting the gridlock so they can get back to peace and relational joy. 

Some pairings don’t have decades of Empathy Gridlock built up.

Because a lot of my couples are mid-lifers who are re-mating after a divorce, these couples especially want to do something different with this new relationship. They want to be sure they know how to have a healthier version of a committed, loving relationship. 

They are smart! They realize it’s easy to fall into old patterns.

The first step is realizing your own tendencies.

What’s your usual way of addressing conflict?

Some people cope with conflict like so:

They avoid. 

This is easy to do. Just let the relationship fade away… Let it die on the vine. Wither from neglect. Allow it to shrivel and drop off.

I’ve been guilty of this. 

I can be a baby when my desire to avoid overrides a sense of maturity. That’s on me. It can be my tendency, for sure!

I’m not defending it, I just understand it from the inside out! Avoiding conflict is not a way to resolve it, since unresolved conflict can fester…or it can kill a relationship.

(Psssst, there are ALWAYS good reasons avoiding conflict is someone’s go-to response. There are also highly effective ways to truly heal those reasons. I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve grown into being good at resolving conflict. If I can do it, anyone can. I’ll show you how if you decide to explore working together.)

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Others let conflict fester and then add to their own narrative.

This can make the chance for reconciliation even more remote and make the path back even harder. But it’s also a natural thing to do. 

This can be where the CNI comes into play. That Core Negative Image of the other is easily expanded and increased with their every move. More and more “evidence” of their flawed nature piles up.

You know what I’m talking about. It can be the difference between seeing your mate’s wet shoes parked half on the rug and half off the rug and thinking “GAWD, what a slob! He’s never careful with our wood floors!” or thinking something lighter like “Hmmm, look at that. He’s making such an effort to get the x,y,z task accomplished outside even in the rain.” 

One approach automatically gives the benefit of the doubt…and likely with an internal stance that the relationship is much more important than the floor. The other approach automatically reverts to the Core Negative Image of this person as “a slob.”

Even if he’s messy, untidy, or doesn’t prioritize keeping the wood floor dry… thinking in that way, even about tiny things can make it MUCH harder to work a repair that actually lasts..when more important issues arise. Build-up of the Core Negative Image over time ensures the pairing will have a very difficult time truly resolving anything.

Some people revert to perspective arguing to “resolve conflict.”

It never works. Perspective arguing is ALWAYS a losing strategy. And while it can come naturally, most of us want the other person to understand us, and it seems to “make sense” as the way to resolve things,  it is not effective!

In fact, when two people spend time taking turns explaining themselves, they walk away even more entrenched in their own way of thinking. There’s research proving this. Perspective arguing does not build rapport, respect, or understanding. 

In addition, perspective arguing often leads to an escalation of the conflict, and just serves to underscore the CNI.

In these instances, it’s common for individuals to have fantasy conversations with the other person.

Think about it.

Have you ever revisited an exchange again and again, thinking through what you wish you’d said?

Or maybe you’ve imagined an exchange long before it ever happens. Have you practiced what you’ll say and predicted the response?

Some people do so much imaginary communicating, they think they’ve actually already had the conversation. 

All of it, just ADDS to the Core Negative Image that’s rattling around in someone’s head.

Sad thing, no matter how well-intended you are, it’s nearly impossible to prevent someone else’s CNI of you! You cannot control their perception. 

The best bet? Resolve conflict well.

So, what happens when you DO resolve conflict well?

Everyone has their idea of how to do this better. Those ideas include communicating better, or explaining themselves more or explaining more clearly. Some people think it means learning to talk to their mate in a way the other has a better chance of hearing. Some people think it means trying harder. Or avoiding conflict more effectively to begin with.

All of that is important to some degree. So, yes to all of it.

It’s not where we start, though.

Why?

Because it doesn’t prevent Empathy Gridlock or genuinely get two people beyond their conflict as quickly as possible. What will?

Easy Conflict Resolution

When you do resolve conflict well, there are three simple steps.

  1. One or the other person offers a repair.
  2. The recipient accepts the offer for repair, if not immediately, then eventually. (Sooner is better than later.)
  3. The repair works! Effectively. Completely. 

When I say the repair works, I mean it does repair the relationship: it restores good feeling between the two, and it brings them back to peace and relational joy. In fact, accomplishing a complete repair instills more confidence in the relationship and it brings people closer.

The overall health of the relationship is apparent in HOW they manage and resolve the conflict.

The healthiest relationships work an effective repair in about 20 minutes.

Believe it or not, that’s about how long it takes for two healthy, mature people to be responsible and honest about their own stuff, to be vulnerable with one another, and to discover they still, yes, they still have a safe, cherishing, loving haven of a relationship with one another. 

I know that seems like very short order, and it truly is. Keep in mind this is between two whole human adults who have healed their residual trauma and have a good mastery over their core issues. 

They have done the healing work and they show up, ready for healthy relationship.

Lots of us have experienced that it can take days, even weeks, before there’s any movement toward peace. And look, you can’t control the other person, but you can do what you can do and then be genuinely at peace with your efforts. No matter what kind of relationship it is. No matter what kind of response you get.

So eventually, yes, what happens between two healthy adults is that they work through a conflict easily and responsibly in quite short order. This means between workmates, between friends, between parents and grown children, between siblings, as well as in intimate partnerships.

How are you doing resolving conflict?

If you don’t know how to do this, or you keep running into frustrations, I can help with that. Obviously, I’m not the only one who can do this, but I’d love to join you. 

I can’t think of a thing on the planet more important than helping people have truly healthy relationships. It’s what I do. I do this all day long. Every day. In every way I can think of making that contribution.

Why?

Because it’s JOYFUL. Literally. Full of joy. For me and for my clients.

Experiencing relational joy, not just a fleeting feeling here or there, is truly joyful and good. Real peace and harmony in relationships of all kinds is the absolute foundation to a happy, healthy, long, enjoyable, productive life. (There’s research on that as well- google the longest running Harvard Study on Happiness.)

Relationship conflict during the holidays can make everything worse.

Since there’s so much emphasis on family, on togetherness, and so many parties or gatherings or events to attend, gifts to buy, and so much cooking, and baking, and (around here at least) so much food to make and eat and give….

pressure can build up.

This is definitely the season when the state of our relationships is most evident. Unresolved conflict can feel even heavier.

Even if you don’t have a ton going on, it can be a low mood time of the year.

Darker days, colder temps, less daylight can all add to the challenges of the holiday season.

I don’t suggest starting big relationship work during the holidays. Wait to get to work until after the first of the year. Whether there’s a primary love relationship that needs to be much better. or you’re experiencing conflict in other relationships, you don’t have to ADD the stress of trying to change things right now.

But here’s what I can help with NOW:

  • If you want to get started identifying the patterns in a relationship and explore types of repair in your particular situation, we can do that.
  • If you’d like to prepare for a gathering, an encounter, a situation or circumstance, we can do that.
  • If you’d like some extra warmth and support because you’re feeling the loss of someone dear to you, I’m here for you.
  • If Seasonal Affective symptoms or depression are flaring, let’s address that.
  • If you’d like to set the groundwork for goals to meet in the New Year, we can get started on that now.
  • If you’d like to do a one-off, or a reset, or a refresh, we can do that right now.

I opened up more sessions on my calendar this week if you want to jump in. GO HERE to Schedule.

I’m looking forward to hearing more about what is going on for you. I’ll let you know exactly how I can help. Resolving conflict is a skill you definitely need. No matter where it applies, there’s a good solution. Let’s…BOOK NOW 

 

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Lots of people ask the question “does marriage counseling work?”

The answer depends on what you mean by “work”. Does it help? Will you grow?
Will it save your sanity or help you make a decision about staying or splitting?

Absolutely YES!

Will it save your marriage? I gave a complex answer HERE, but ultimately that answer is maybe… for the most part, yes… if you do the work. (It’s still a tricky answer isn’t it? Sorry about that, but it’s what I really see.) I cover in that article the ONE thing that will certainly cost you your marriage. And I wrote HERE about the two things you must have in order for marriage counseling to work to save your marriage. 

Will marriage counseling teach you about perspective, about skills within relationship, and about how to be a better mate?

Yes. If marriage counseling is any good at all, it will definitely cover those things.

Most Marriage Counseling will help with that.

But good marriage counseling (honestly, the only kind worth investing in) will get to the heart of what keeps coming up as a recurring conflict and a distressing pattern in your relationship. Good marriage counseling will address the parts in you and in the relationship that resist using those skills or being a better mate when it’s hard. That’s where the rubber meets the road.

After all, if you could just do what you know would work in the relationship, you wouldn’t need someone else to help you. 

You don’t need Relationship Skills

Not yet, anyway. You probably already have plenty of those.

You can read all about the Five Love Languages, about your Love Tank, or learning each other’s Love Maps and the Sound Relationship House. Studying about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will definitely predict a relationship’s demise. You can read all the self-help and personal development ever published. (Actually maybe you can’t given that there are so.many.books on the subject, but you know what I mean).

What ALL of those sources cannot supply is enough leverage to do the real growing needed for YOU, in particular, to show up differently in your relationship, in real time, and in real life. Especially when you feel triggered and challenged. If everything were just smooth sailing, a marriage relationship would be easy, wouldn’t it?

Reading books also cannot supply your partner with motivation to change.

That’s what good marriage counseling helps you uncover together.

Good marriage counseling is a process of working together- all three of us- to address core issues. Good marriage counseling will provide support along with sustained motivation to continue forward progress. 

You also don’t need Conflict-resolution Skills

All the knowledge in the world about conflict-resolution skills is not going to matter in the moment.

This isn’t something you do just because you have an awareness of your go-to stance and the pattern in your relationship. 

Every single one of us takes our go-to stance for a very good reason and knowing the reason does not shift its power in the moment. We don’t resolve conflicts just by knowing why we do something or why our partner does something and then simply learning a different skill.

Many counselors start by teaching conflict resolution, improving communication, and even uncovering why you do what you do in relationships. That can be fascinating. It seems like the answer. But going that route is much more work and, in fact, it takes a lot longer than truly effective marriage counseling.  

Here’s what does work

You need to know how to shift from your go-to stance to a more helpful perspective and movement when conflict arises. 

Knowing how to shift happens when we get to the core of the need for that go-to stance and then effectively replace that need at a very deep level with something that serves the individual and the relationship. That’s what really makes a difference in how you show up in relationship.

This is core-level transformation and it’s actually much easier than it sounds. But you must have a good marriage counselor using the right powerful methods. 

And don’t worry; this is not about being a different type of person. You don’t have to worry about losing yourself or surrendering your identity. Good marriage counseling is really about being a healthier version of yourselves.

The one thing that doesn’t work in marriage counseling:

Talk therapy.

Doing talk therapy around marriage issues will not work. You do not need to rehearse and rehash your complaints. Marriage Counseling is not a place for unbridled self-expression, tattling on your partner for all their misdeeds and perceived misdeeds, or playing whack-a-mole with each topic of contention that arises.

A marriage counselor is not a facilitator or referee. She’s not someone to help you hash out each disagreement you’ve been having about who does what labor around the house, for example.

Those issues are merely a symptom of what’s going on in the relationship and a good marriage counselor does not need you to replay conflicts or arguments. 

Specific issues may serve as salient examples of core issues. So we WILL talk about what’s going on.

You just won’t be able to use a good marriage counselor as a referee. You also won’t be able to spend time doing with the counselor what you normally do at home. That’s a waste of everyone’s investment of time, energy, and your money.

Making Marriage Counseling effective

Here’s how good marriage counseling works here:

I’ll assess the negative patterns in your relationship.

We’ll talk about how you’re made and how you move through the world.

We’ll talk about your core issues.

One of our first goals is to do no more harm. To the relationship, to ourselves, and to one another. We’ll cover exactly how to do that with respect for both of you.

Then, we get down to the work of repairing what’s broken between you with core-level transformation and researched, evidence-based methods that heal. You. Your partner. And the relationship.

Good Marriage Counseling is not neutral 

We ALL have core issues, so it’s not a matter of your partner being the one with “the issues”. Having issues is central to being human. We respect that. (In fact, it’s part of what we embrace as part of Whole Human Therapy. You don’t have to geek out about the theory, but you can explore more at that link if you want.)

One of you may, however, be doing more damage to the relationship than the other. A good marriage counselor will see that clearly and proceed skillfully with appropriate support and challenge. Effective, good intervention from the counselor is a combination of tender regard for the adaptations and behaviors we humans employ, and the ability to hold a firm standard about what it means to be relational. 

After all, when you do couples work, the relationship becomes the client. Together we work on the relationship. Our collective end-goal is to create a loving relationship that honors, nourishes, and fulfills both members of it.

Good marriage counseling is not about being permissive or neutral regarding doing damage to the relationship. And it holds space for both of you while holding each of you accountable. It’s an art as much as science. You are going to need someone highly skilled with this.

In addition, there ARE conditions that may need to be addressed before good couples work can take effect. I wrote about all of them right here. A good marriage counselor won’t gloss over those. As soon as she’s aware of them, she’ll broach them in session. With care, of course. With strength and the firmness a good marriage counselor can implement.

Does Marriage Counseling ever Not Work?

Unfortunately, it IS possible for marriage counseling to be ineffective. There ARE marriage counselors out there who are good people, well-intended, but not very skilled. Some counselors take only a surface-level approach because that’s either what they’re comfortable handling or they just haven’t done deeper work themselves. Other couples counselors are skilled at thinking through things. But thinking only gets you so far when it comes to love.

And hey, you and your partner might prefer to do work sheets and study one another’s Love Maps, or to concentrate on what IS working, or demonstrate love and care through effortful application of the Love Languages or some other target behavior change. You might really like applying IFS (Internal Family Systems) or using an Imago model. Maybe you really are looking for your relationship to solve issues of attachment and dysregulation. You might like the appeal of working on more emotional engagement and being more attuned to one another.  Emotion Focused Couples Therapy sounds like a lovely promise, doesn’t it?

Those are all modalities for couples work that I am well-versed in and do not use because I’ve found something much more effective. 

Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely will work on ALL the parts that make your marriage more relational and fulfilling for both of you. We all support that end-goal.

But, surface-level, brain-based, or behavioral change approaches just don’t permanently solve any real problems.

You do not have to make this more complicated than necessary.

You don’t have to waste time, energy, or money trying everything else.

And if you’re considering marriage counseling, then getting to the bottom of those problems, actually healing them, and then crafting a solution- one you can implement in the moment- is imperative.

Most of my clients are really smart. They have worked hard to succeed. Maybe they’ve tried several approaches already. They have significant knowledge and they have done a lot of growing. All of that is good. I honor ALL of those efforts and ALL of that growth.

Still, something is coming up in their primary relationship that feels too frustrating, too familiar, and threatens, not just their marriage, but their very happiness as well.

Is that you? I can help.

If you’re ready for something that really moves the needle and works long-term in your primary love relationship, get on my schedule for a FREE consultation call. I am eager to hear what’s going on for you and I’ll let you know exactly how I can help.

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A good couples counselor has you covered

Here are three key things to look for when searching for a really good couples counselor. Good couples counseling means more than changing behavior. It addresses core level healing so you can build fulfilling relationships.

Don’t worry; a good couples counselor is assessing more than just your relationship. Often when you’re heading to couples counseling (maybe for the first time) you have some anxiety. That’s very common and absolutely normal as you contemplate bearing your soul with a stranger. Rest assured, a good couples counselor will help ease this. Remember, this is not her first rodeo, even if it is yours. A good couples counselor knows exactly what to look for and how to help you.

Worried about these things?

Maybe you think your partner will charm the couples counselor and as a result “get away” with bad behavior in session or out. Maybe you think the counselor will be just as confused as you are by their excuses or explanations. Could it be that the counselor won’t have enough chutzpah to confront bad behavior?

Worry no more. A good couples counselor has this well in hand. We’ll cover three key things to look for when you interview a candidate, but first it’s important to clarify a couple of things.

Good couples counseling very likely isn’t what you imagine it to be.

You may have the impression that couples counseling is “neutral”. That it’s the counselor’s job to be “objective” or “fair”, to facilitate some kind of understanding between the two of you, like an arbitrator or a mediator.

Maybe you have an idea the counselor is a referee whose job it is to allow you to attempt to resolve a conflict and parse out who is right or wrong, fighting fairly or not. Or maybe you think it’s her job to unpack your last conflict and teach you what you should have done.

Many people think a couples counselor is an objective third party ready to pronounce a winner!

Good couples counseling doesn’t waste time on any of this. Truly good couples counseling does not play “whack a mole” with your problems. And as a result, it’s much more effective. A skilled couples counselor gets right to the core of your relational pattern and will help you grow in order to create a healthy relationship.

Everything you gain -and there will be personal gains even if the relationship should not be salvaged- is yours to keep forever. I’ll say more about this below, but first:

People are confused about good couples counseling for good reason.

Sometimes people want a neutral third party to decide who’s right. They may actually long for someone to help them “duke it out in a fair fight”. They really want someone to take their side, pronounce them “the winner”, or to feel quite justified that their partner is “the bad guy” and they are “the good guy”!

Often there IS an imbalance of power in the relationship, and whoever feels they’re getting the short stick can long for someone “on their side” who will help convince, persuade, or change their partner.

Others fear the couples counselor will tell them that they are in the wrong; they are doing it wrong; they are bad, failing, coming up short, or some other version of “just not good enough”. The mere thought of such a pronouncement can feel overwhelming and risky! Especially if they already feel they’re doing “more than their fair share” of emotional work in the relationship.

Furthermore, television and movies can add to the misconceptions about counseling. Most often, the cinematic portrayal of couples counseling perpetuates erroneous ideas of neutrality, reffing a conflict, or choosing a winner of the relationship! Keep in mind, such a scene is used for dramatic (or comedic) effect. It’s not a true representation of what actually goes on in couples counseling! It’s not real. Even “reality TV” or podcast excerpts can misrepresent the process of good couples counseling since both formats are heavily edited.

None of that is one bit helpful. If a counselor allows that or takes that role, fire them! They are not a good couples counselor. Here are three major things to evaluate when searching for your couples counselor:

Good couples counseling follows a framework.

Ask anyone you interview what they use. Read their website and find out how they work. Don’t settle for a cursory answer either. Good couples counselors should publish the methods on their website. They should be able to articulate the way they work.

Don’t know exactly what to look for? Here’s a quick run-down:

Anyone who mentions Gottmann is going to have you do a lot of brain-based activity to experience your relationship. You’ll be invited to change behavior and to change the way you think about things. You’ll be given homework to do. Think worksheets. This can appeal to cerebral types. I don’t recommend it since it fails to get to the heart of relationships. After all, intimate partnerships must incorporate and respect the feelings of the individuals in them. If your relationship doesn’t incorporate this, what you’re living in is a transactional relationship. You deserve much more than that.

If someone mentions EFT (Emotion Focused Therapy), you’ll be invited to be more empathetic toward your mate. EFT challenges couples to become more, not less, responsible for one another. This can actually foster a really unhealthy dynamic, especially in pairings where there’s already an imbalance of power and one person is doing more of the emotional heavy lifting. It can have a devastating effect where there is a lot of confusion about who’s responsible for what.

If a counselor uses cognitive behavior therapy or they don’t talk at all about the way they conduct couples counseling, be suspicious! They may not have a clue what they’re doing. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be effective treating the symptom of depression, but you need better methods when dealing with the complexities of intimate relationship.

Even worse than them being inept, spending time with a counselor who does not have a fully developed and effective couples counseling framework can do more harm than good. Especially because disrupted relationships are, in themselves, very painful.

I’ll talk about the framework I use at the end of this article. In the meantime, the second thing to look for is…

Good couples counseling is NOT neutral

Most relationships are not a 50/50 mess. That’s why any good couples counselor understands she is NOT there to help you “fight fair” and remain neutral. If you’re expecting “equal time” or the right to “have your say” you have the wrong idea about couples counseling.

Of course, she’ll hear from each of you, but a good couples counselor won’t need to ask you each the same questions. There should be no “tit for tat” in any single session. A counselor who proceeds like this really doesn’t have anything helpful to give you. Find someone better.

A good couples counselor will assess the patterns in your relationship. She’s also looking for underlying issues each of you may struggle with. Then, she’ll proceed to give you skills and growth challenges (aka assignments) that match the way you’re made, how you process, and how you move through the world. Some challenges will be the same for both partners, but often they will be very different.

Be assured, no matter what your situation, your couples counselor is rooting for you. And a really good counselor will know who needs to grow in what way in order to create a healthy relationship together.

Do your assignments and stay out of your partner’s business while they are doing theirs. Remember, no one is “winning therapy”! If you do your work, your gains are yours to keep forever.

Finally…

Liking your couples counselor matters and liking requires testing.

Keep a consultation call before you book a session. If they don’t offer free consultation calls, do not waste your time, energy, and money exploring couples counseling with them….EVEN if your insurance covers the session. The one thing in life you are never getting back is your time, so don’t waste it prepping, arranging all the schedules, and then testing by going through a first (or intake) session.

You need to know if you like the counselor and that only comes from having a conversation. The fastest way to do that is with a consultation call.

When you get on the phone, a good couples counselor will want to know what YOU are experiencing. She will want to hear the story of your relationship -whatever parts you think are important- in order to assure you she knows she can help.

Don’t worry. You don’t have to cover everything in a short conversation. She might cut you off because she has enough information or she might ask for different information. Don’t be surprised by this. A good couples counselor is trained to listen and assess during this call. Largely without you realizing it, she’ll already be demonstrating the skills she’ll use in sessions.

You are asking yourself two questions:

1. Do I like her?

Of course this is subjective. That’s as it should be.

2. Can she help?

Does she work from an effective framework?

That’s ALL you need to consider in the phone consultation. Nothing else. Do I like her? Can she help me? If yes, book an appointment and jump in. I always recommend sticking with a well-vetted therapist for 6-8 sessions. But if you get some ICK vibes in the early sessions, remember you are always free to jump ship and find someone better.

My Framework

Every relationship is unique, no exceptions. Individuals are exquisitely unique. I’ll assess the patterns in your relationship and let you know what I see.

You might already be aware of the patterns; you’re living inside them, after all. You may even know what you should do instead. If awareness alone were enough to create healthy relationships you’d already have done it by now!

Or you might feel stuck and utterly confused.

You’ve probably heard (or read) a lot about good relationship. You might wisely think the key to better relationship is

  • better or more communication
  • getting your partner to do something good for the relationship
  • getting your partner to stop doing something that’s harming the relationship

No worries. We will get to all of that.

First, we have to do the underlying work so that you both CAN change the patterns and the behavior.

I’ll teach you what to do when emotions run hot and the stakes are high.

I specialize in relationship disruption.

Think of  as any experience that has resulted in a disruption to your nervous system. It might be a bengative pattern, a betrayal, or anything you experience as relationship threatening.

That disruption can show up by you feeling triggered, suddenly anxious, fearful, overwhelmed, flooded, shut down, going cold, feeling numb, experiencing sudden anger or even feeling rageful.

It can manifest in your relationship as a confusing repetitive pattern, having the same argument over and over, getting no resolution in a conflict, and result in increasing resentments or a turning away from one another.

Those patterns, arguments, and tensions can be loud or they can be very quiet, but for certain, they are interfering with having a peaceful, fulfilling relationship. But you already know that. I know these things don’t change with wishful thinking, just getting on with it, or pushing down and ignoring the issues. They will reoccur and resurface until they’re truly healed.

So let’s do that. I can help.

There is hope. There is a solution for every problem you’re facing and healing for every wound.

Read more about the way I practice Whole Human Therapy here. If you’re ready to get on my consultation schedule, click below. Let’s talk soon.

CONNECT

Thinking through your Solution

Most of us identify strongly with our own thinking and intelligence, so it can be natural to trust your brain to figure it all out. If you could just “get to the bottom of it” or “understand why this happened” you’d have your answer and solution, right?

Well, unfortunately, no.

Psssst, here’s a secret: there is no bottom when the question is “why?” There might be endless fascination digging up details and hypotheses and formulating opinions and articulating theories. And maybe at some point you’ll reach a kind of bottom in the form of a “conclusion you can live with.” Mostly, however, you’ve generated a pile of unkind, unhelpful, and often only-partially-true information that I like to say is basically a pile of manure- good only for fertilizing a garden.

When we’re talking about relationship trouble, this route almost always destroys relationship. And maybe that IS the solution you’re digging for.

If so, keep at it. Knock yourself out. Go at it until you wear yourself out or you come up with a story that helps you exit the relationship feeling “quite justified, indeed.”

But if your objective is saving a marriage, improving a relationship, creating a healthier family system, or maybe just being happier, then I have an alternative for you.

Thinking shapes relationship

The questions you give your brain are the ones it will keep working on. That’s why you have to give your subconscious (and your conscious mind) the right question to answer.

The best questions start with the word “how” and are driven by your deepest desires. Don’t cheat at this and try something like “how do I understand why this happened?” or “how do I get to the bottom of this?” Clever, but still not helpful. 😉

It could take some reflection and work to find your best “how” questions. Begin by listing all the things you really want. For example:

I want:

  • to feel seen and heard
  • this pain to be over
  • to stop having the same conflict over and over
  • to stop having the same conversation over and over
  • to get beyond this
  • to get back to the way we used to be
  • a way out of this mess
  • an escape from the misery
  • my partner to look at me with love
  • to be respected
  • to feel strong and independent
  • to be able to make a choice
  • to stop being “the bad guy”
  • a good marriage that feels good
  • more peace and satisfaction

You may have more or different desires. Notice, not a single one of them has anything to do with “why” things are the way they are.

Now, pick your top FIVE. What are the most pertinent and pressing desires right now? Which desires are most intense? Pick them and then just insert the word “how” in front of them. Here’s my example:

  1. How can we stop having the same conflict over and over?
  2. How can we get beyond this?
  3. How do I make a choice I can live with long-term?
  4. How can we experience a good marriage that feels good?
  5. How do I experience more peace and satisfaction?

Then write those puppies down. Memorize them. Rehearse them. Have them handy anytime a “why” question pops into your thinking… and replace that “why” question with all the appropriate “how” questions.

Right question = Right answer

Here’s what happens when you start asking a question you can work with: you get answers you can work with. “How” questions are process questions and as such, the answers will suggest real action you can take. This is so much more productive than amassing a pile of manure that ends up being (mostly) negative in nature and downright unhelpful- except for fertilizing a garden, as I said. (In this metaphor, your relationship is NOT the garden.)

When you head into couples counseling or individual therapy aimed at improving how you show up in relationship, don’t let a therapist keep asking the “why” questions. In fact, fire anyone who keeps asking “why?” You need someone who will help you ask the right questions so you can get answers that actually move you forward. You want help that will actually get you somewhere instead of stuck in thinking mode.

Disclaimer

First, realize that ALL therapists are naturally interested in “why” questions. Um, hello, we all STUDY human behavior. We all PAID a significant amount of money to have an excuse to ask the “why” questions to our heart’s content. But hopefully, the therapist you employ has enough sense to know that answering the “why” questions doesn’t provide any information on how to live a better life or how to have a healthier relationship.

Secondly, no matter who you hire, don’t expect them to be your only source for answers. They’ll help. AND you will get answers from various places, sometimes unexpected sources. This doesn’t mean your therapist is not doing their job. That’s simply how the brain works. If you pose a question to your big, beautiful brain, it will keep looking for answers everywhere it collects information. You can bring that information to a good therapist and ask that they check your thinking and application.

Now you: start by listing all your heart’s desires. What do you want to experience, to have, and be in life and relationship? Then, pick your top five and turn them into “how” questions.

Need help doing this? Or need help following through on the objective these how questions bring to the surface? Let’s connect.

Shoot me an email and we will get you a FREE consultation call scheduled as soon as possible.CONNECT 

Expert Relationship Help for the Win

Some clients come to me for expert relationship help feeling already defeated, sensing this is their last-ditch effort.

They’ve tried everything else.

That puzzles me sometimes. Why did they wait so long? How did they let it get this bad?

And yet, I get it. I spent years and years trying real hard, endeavoring to figure it out. Every single book – ALL THE BOOKS- I read them ALL. I was going to fix it: fix myself, fix him, fix the dynamic, fix the family. I could figure this out.

Smart People are the worst for this.

I’m a smartie.

I know you’re a smartie.

And successful. You more-than-survived. You have arrived! You’ve worked real hard. You’ve amassed wealth, achieved a lot, navigated incredible challenges.

Besides that, you take care of business on the regular. You juggle life expertly. And here you are with a very fine resume behind your name. You are smart, dang it, and you. can. figure. this. out.

So you try harder. And most times, the harder you try, the more trouble you get into. (Like quick sand!) Pretty soon there’s so much anger and tension in the relationship on a daily basis, you relent, cry “uncle,” cave, and, feeling defeated, decide to reach out for help.

Or worse, sometimes you determine it’s HIS problem or HER fault, so you send him (or her) in for me to “fix” that problem. (That’s rarely accurate, by the way, never the whole picture, and while individual therapy IS appropriate, helpful, and CAN shift a relationship, it happens best and proves more lasting when two get involved voluntarily.)

Asking for Expert Relationship Help is a WIN

I know I won’t instantly convince you. But it IS a win. It’s what smart people do. They enlist the help of experts to show them what they need to know.

Even in an area they know LOTS about.

You might like investing, but you trust your wealth to experts, right?

You might like numbers and accounting, but you don’t do your own taxes, do you?

(I don’t know, maybe you do. I did mine every year from 1986 up until last year when all the rules and forms started looking insane and complicated. See, I can be stubborn and have trouble trusting too.)

I know excellent athletes who pay a trainer. Why do they do that when they know a lot about their sport?

Because they’re smart, that’s why! They know how to really win!

I thought I was a relationship expert before

After all, I’m made for relationship. I am a woman. I am naturally #heartfirst. (If you don’t know what that means, I write about it in my books, described HERE.) I love and value people and relationship and always have. I’ve been studying and observing and reading, reading, reading for decades.

I wanted credit for all my effort. I also wanted some good results. Yet, there were some things I just could not see or reach on my own.

Finally, exhausted and feeling quite defeated, I enlisted the help of an expert.

Now I know I truly am an expert

And yes, I paid for some of that in my own blood, with pain, sweat, tears, and unnecessary suffering. It was over two decades of “walking heartache.” Talk about learning the hard way!

Then I got real expert help and paid for it in the right kind of blood, sweat, and tears: I extended trust and did what was helpful and quit doing what was biting me in the ass.

Before too long, I went to school and got a couple degrees and started actually helping people. (I continue to learn and grow and develop all the time. That’s why they call this business a practice.)

Do I regret my stubbornness, distrust, and pride?

Oh yeah, baby.

I also love, understand, and forgive myself (which took a while in and of itself) and I’m so grateful to the people who showed me grace and extended their patience along the way.

But it cost us all a whole lot more than it needed to. I DO wish I had spent my time, energy, and money more productively way back when.

I’m just a human, a fellow traveler

Yet this is my thing now for real. It’s my area of expertise. I’ve been in the trenches. I’ve been in the crazy and distress of a painful relationship and I found my way out. But I did not do it all on my own. Not by a long shot.

You don’t have to trust me. You don’t have to let anyone else take a look and tell you what they see.

By golly, you never have to listen to a relationship expert about how you’re contributing, prolonging, and ensuring your very own suffering. But if you’re smart, you just might want to.

There are known and traveled pathways to healing, healthy relationship, and happiness. I’m not the only one who knows them, but I do know them and I’ll help you each step of the way… if you let me.

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Losers Fight

Losers fight and fighters always lose.

When it comes to intimate partnership, fighting means you both lose. There’s no losing the battle but winning the war. If there’s a war, you lose, my friend. Period.

Fighting achieves exactly nothing.

Did you know research clearly shows that debate is not effective in changing others’ perspectives, convincing them to think differently, or persuade them to a different view? It’s super-not-effective at getting people to do something against their nature or opposed to their self-interests.

(Other methods of rhetorical persuasion and manipulation are effective, hence the posturing and ninja-skills of politicians and the like.)

But in intimate relationships, fighting is REALLY NOT effective in providing connection or allowing either person to feel heard and understood.

So why do people fight?

I’ve come to believe it’s just one thing really. Not a bunch of different things and not even the combination of this person plus this person equals conflict.

It’s an individual thing. An inside job. A very human, universal, and understandable failing each of us carry with us. (Me included.)

Call it your Should Monster.

The Should Monster shoulds all over.

All over you. All over other people. In your home. At work. On the highway. About the government. On the other.

This gigantic beast makes quite a mess!

Another word for this is expectation.

Losers fight because of expectations.

I’m NOT saying have no expectation in order to avoid disappointment. That’s hogwash as well.

“Expectation” is NOT the same as having a “standard.”

We have standards for how we will and will not be treated, what we accept and do not accept in relationship. It’s healthy to have standards.

Kindness is a standard. Accountability is a standard. Honesty is a standard.

But expectation is a demand, a requirement, and it usually comes with an inherent (and harsh) ultimatum.

I have standards.

Because they are healthy. Not because I’m trying to get my needs met and that is a HUGE distinction. I have standards because they are helpful.

For example, one of my standards is that couples do not fight in my office. You don’t need to pay me to watch you do that. Trust me, I already know how it goes.

(Also, don’t pay to argue with me, either. It’s all counterproductive. And frankly, you can’t pay me enough to make it worth my exhaustion. But we might explore what’s going on with you that you feel the need to do stuff like that!)

Most importantly, it’s not healthy for you to do more fighting, perspective arguing, or score-keeping. It won’t solve anything, and it’s a waste of our time, energy, and your money.

So, it’s a standard. There is no fighting in my office.

I wish I could magically transfer that standard to all my clients’ living rooms and bedrooms, automobiles, and lives!

Let’s get to the heart of solving this.

Despite my knowledge that fighting is counter productive and that debate is ineffective as a means to sway anyone (and especially an intimate partner) I still get tripped up by my own Should Monster. Like anyone, I can catch myself imposing a should on someone else: you should do more of the driving, you should share your feelings more, you should do half the work in relationship, you should be more empathetic, you should spend more time with me.

All those things are NICE and I might want them and LIKE the idea of them. And, in fact, I can be perfectly RIGHT about them. But the Should Monster spurs the fight and the fight gets us nowhere.

Slay the Should Monster first.

How do you do that?

It’s easy.

1. Put it in it’s place.

Say something like this to that bad boy: Quiet down, Should-Dude. Take a chill pill. Go sit in the corner. You are in time-out.

I’m serious about speaking directly to it and putting your Should Monster in the corner. That is right where it belongs while the grown-ups sort things out and take care of real business.

2. Step back and take a breath.

Let’s face it ONCE AND FOR ALL: human beings deserve respect. We’re infinitely valuable. That said, humans are sentient beings with incredible will and a whole host of feelings, thoughts, longings, and needs. Every.single.human. (Including your partner..or that person you’re fighting.)

Just take a breath. Your agenda for that other person is really quite inappropriate. Let it go while you exhale.

3. Focus on what is going on with you.

What is behind the drive to get the thing or the behavior or the response you “should” get and the other “should” understand? Do you know why you’re actually expecting them to DO or BE or give that?

After all, your expectations are really about you, your values, beliefs, and rules that YOU live by…and some of them might not actually be very kind…to yourself or to other people.

(I know. It can be hard to figure what’s going on with you all by yourself sometimes. We don’t always see ourselves -or others- clearly, which is why a good therapist can be so helpful. Here’s help finding a good fit.)

4. Let it go.

In the meantime, acknowledge the drive or desire and let go of the tension, demand, and drive behind it. Especially once you realize the expectation is coming from somewhere deeper than that other person, it gets easier to stop demanding in the present moment.

5. Get help if you need it.

Some of you will turn this around on your own. You’ll stop fighting. You already know the fight is a lose/lose strategy. You’ll pause, examine your expectations, realize they are harsh, maybe immature, or come from a history that the other person has nothing to do with.

For those of you who continue to struggle or resist the logic of stopping the fight, give me a call. There is definitely a very good reason you’re having trouble with that part of it. I’d love to help.

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Therapy relationship working?

How’s the therapy relationship treating you these days? Maybe you’ve been seeing your therapist for a while now, and lately you’re wondering if you should scale back or if it’s time to say goodbye for good. How do you know?

She’s probably “really nice”  so breaking up can be hard to do. There’s a good time to move on and there’s a good time to hang in there and really get to the next level. But how can you tell the difference?

There are several legit reasons for scaling back or even ending a relationship with a therapist. You might be thinking about the money. Or you’ve met your goals. You might think you’ve done as much as you can with this particular person. Maybe there’s an actual conflict: in interest, approach, or opinion. Maybe you realize you go away feeling worse than when you came in with no good tools to approach things differently. (Yuk!)

Before you ghost your therapist, and before you go in even one more time, do yourself a HUGE FAVOR and get some things hammered out.

Guide to evaluating the therapy relationship:

1. Clearly define your reason

Check in with yourself and write down what first comes to mind. Why did you first begin this therapy relationship? What brought you in to start? Now that you’re considering possibly leaving, define that as well, then take it a little further by examining it.

For example:

You might be thinking, “okay, this is getting expensive.” Go further. Is it really getting too expensive or is it that you don’t detect progress?

When we make the decision to trust someone with our tender parts in hopes they can help alleviate our pain, we do so because it’s worth it. We value it. We are willing to make the investment of time, energy, and money.

When we stop being willing to invest (in any of those ways) it’s usually because we don’t see the benefit or payoff.

Is it really finances? If you’ve had a financial down-turn, tell your therapist. There might be a cheaper alternative, or a lower rate for a specified time. Maybe there are other options like a group that will help you achieve your ultimate goals or yes, maybe dropping back to twice a month or even once a month really is a good option.

But be clear (at least to yourself) about what is the real reason.

2. Examine your Original Goals

Maybe you’re past the crisis, that acute, intense sense of distress. Yay! You made it!  It’s totally fair if that’s the only reason you enlisted a therapy relationship to begin with. You may indeed be done; ultimately, you get to decide.

Often, if you ask her, you can find out with your therapist if there is more to do than just get past the crisis. Even if you decide not to proceed, at least you’ll have an idea the kind of growth that might be possible for you. You may as well make use of her expert perspective. At the very least, you can park it as a goal for “next time.”

Maybe this therapist is an expert at this area of your life but another area would be better served by a different kind of specialist. In that case, ask for a referral. A good therapist will make a great referral to another specialist when that’s appropriate.

Need to revisit your goals? Maybe it feels like your progress lacks structure. Did you write those puppies down somewhere? If you didn’t and/or you can’t remember them, check in with your therapist. Actually say, “I want to revisit my original goals today and see where I am with them.”

Every therapist worth her salt will be glad to go over them, refine them, and help you see clearly what you’ve achieved and decide how far you really want to go. Not there yet and feeling frustrated about progress? Say so and ask for specific ways to get where you want to go.

3. Identify the Conflicts

Here’s an inside tip: as therapists, we are always trying to balance support and challenge. Too much of one or the other and our clients just won’t grow. There will be some conflict (and maybe at several particular spots) along the way. Growth can be frustrating. Some of this is just part of the growth process. But some of it might be the frustration of not getting what you need from a therapist. Figure out which it is.

Does something get under your skin? Is a recurrent event or a particular response setting you off? Is your therapist reminding you of someone in your life? You can use that as an opportunity to experience something different in the safe environment of the therapy office.

A really good therapist is going to be savvy about sensing if there’s tension and she might be the one to say something about it in the moment. She could also be waiting for you to say something.

Therapists are human with their own personalities and foibles and sometimes they actually miss something that feels really obvious to you.

We can read people, but we can’t always read minds. 😉 So, to get the most from your time with your therapist, no matter how big or small that “irritation” is, say something about it. Here are examples:

  • “I don’t like it when you say that. I feel bad.”
  • “Can you tell me more about what I need to do? I need a tool to use in my real life.”
  • “Today I really need to talk this all the way through before you give me feedback.”
  • Or it can be as simple as “I’m getting really irritated. Can you help me figure this out?”
  • “When you said I’m being demanding what did you mean by that? Isn’t it good for me to have standards? I’m confused.”

Ask questions. Talk to the therapist about the relationship. Take the risk, even if it’s the first time in your life you’ve done this kind of confrontation.

4. Consider the Response

A relationship with a therapist is, above all, a relationship. In that way, everything you are learning to do in relationship with your therapist is a skill you probably need to hone in the rest of your life. It might be standing up for yourself. Maybe being honest isn’t easy for you. It might be finding a kind way to approach something. It might be being brave enough to broach a tough topic.

Sometimes you do have to find someone else, someone you click with more, someone who gives you more of what you need, someone who actually CAN help you meet your needs.  Let that final decision also be based on your therapist’s response to your expressed need.

Worth the time and consideration

You owe it to yourself to be sure you’re getting the best you can from the therapy relationship before you move on. You’ve invested time, energy, and money, right? Walking away prematurely might undercut all the good you’ve done so far.

On top of that, using relationship with your therapist to practice relating, take risks, and do things differently might be just what you need to grow.

Are you satisfied you’ve achieved your original goals? It’s okay to step back to a less frequent time-frame or even consider that you’re done with this therapist for now. Maybe you’re ready to do more, set new goals and keep moving forward. Could be, you legitimately need a rest.

When you leave in the right way, you can always come back for a tune-up whenever the need arises.

But if the relationship is really not working for you- and you’ve clarified your reason and goals, then you bring it up and you get dismissed or feel worse than before- move on with confidence.

Looking for a new therapy relationship…to attain that next goal, get a better connection, or just to come at things from a different angle?  You know I’m here for you. Let’s connect.

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