Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Lots of people ask the question “does marriage counseling work?”

The answer depends on what you mean by “work”. Does it help? Will you grow?
Will it save your sanity or help you make a decision about staying or splitting?

Absolutely YES!

Will it save your marriage? I gave a complex answer HERE, but ultimately that answer is maybe… for the most part, yes… if you do the work. (It’s still a tricky answer isn’t it? Sorry about that, but it’s what I really see.) I cover in that article the ONE thing that will certainly cost you your marriage. And I wrote HERE about the two things you must have in order for marriage counseling to work to save your marriage.

Will marriage counseling teach you about perspective, about skills within relationship, and about how to be a better mate?

Yes. If marriage counseling is any good at all, it will definitely cover those things.

Most Marriage Counseling will help with that.

But good marriage counseling (honestly, the only kind worth investing in) will get to the heart of what keeps coming up as a recurring conflict and a distressing pattern in your relationship. Good marriage counseling will address the parts in you and in the relationship that resist using those skills or being a better mate when it’s hard. That’s where the rubber meets the road.

After all, if you could just do what you know would work in the relationship, you wouldn’t need someone else to help you.

You don’t need Relationship Skills

Not yet, anyway. You probably already have plenty of those.

You can read all about the Five Love Languages, about your Love Tank, or learning each other’s Love Maps and the Sound Relationship House. Studying about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will definitely predict a relationship’s demise. You can read all the self-help and personal development ever published. (Actually maybe you can’t given that there are so.many.books on the subject, but you know what I mean).

What ALL of those sources cannot supply is enough leverage to do the real growing needed for YOU, in particular, to show up differently in your relationship, in real time, and in real life. Especially when you feel triggered and challenged. If everything were just smooth sailing, a marriage relationship would be easy, wouldn’t it?

Reading books also cannot supply your partner with motivation to change.

That’s what good marriage counseling helps you uncover together.

Good marriage counseling is a process of working together- all three of us- to address core issues. Good marriage counseling will provide support along with sustained motivation to continue forward progress.

You also don’t need Conflict-resolution Skills

All the knowledge in the world about conflict-resolution skills is not going to matter in the moment.

This isn’t something you do just because you have an awareness of your go-to stance and the pattern in your relationship.

Every single one of us takes our go-to stance for a very good reason and knowing the reason does not shift its power in the moment. We don’t resolve conflicts just by knowing why we do something or why our partner does something and then simply learning a different skill.

Many counselors start by teaching conflict resolution, improving communication, and even uncovering why you do what you do in relationships. That can be fascinating. It seems like the answer. But going that route is much more work and, in fact, it takes a lot longer than truly effective marriage counseling.

Here’s what does work

You need to know how to shift from your go-to stance to a more helpful perspective and movement when conflict arises.

Knowing how to shift happens when we get to the core of the need for that go-to stance and then effectively replace that need at a very deep level with something that serves the individual and the relationship. That’s what really makes a difference in how you show up in relationship.

This is core-level transformation and it’s actually much easier than it sounds. But you must have a good marriage counselor using the right powerful methods.

And don’t worry; this is not about being a different type of person. You don’t have to worry about losing yourself or surrendering your identity. Good marriage counseling is really about being a healthier version of yourselves.

The one thing that doesn’t work in marriage counseling:

Talk therapy.

Doing talk therapy around marriage issues will not work. You do not need to rehearse and rehash your complaints. Marriage Counseling is not a place for unbridled self-expression, tattling on your partner for all their misdeeds and perceived misdeeds, or playing whack-a-mole with each topic of contention that arises.

A marriage counselor is not a facilitator or referee. She’s not someone to help you hash out each disagreement you’ve been having about who does what labor around the house, for example.

Those issues are merely a symptom of what’s going on in the relationship and a good marriage counselor does not need you to replay conflicts or arguments.

Specific issues may serve as salient examples of core issues. So we WILL talk about what’s going on.

You just won’t be able to use a good marriage counselor as a referee. You also won’t be able to spend time doing with the counselor what you normally do at home. That’s a waste of everyone’s investment of time, energy, and your money.

Making Marriage Counseling effective

Here’s how good marriage counseling works here:

I’ll assess the negative patterns in your relationship.

We’ll talk about how you’re made and how you move through the world.

We’ll talk about your core issues.

One of our first goals is to do no more harm. To the relationship, to ourselves, and to one another. We’ll cover exactly how to do that with respect for both of you.

Then, we get down to the work of repairing what’s broken between you with core-level transformation and researched, evidence-based methods that heal. You. Your partner. And the relationship.

Good Marriage Counseling is not neutral

We ALL have core issues, so it’s not a matter of your partner being the one with “the issues”. Having issues is central to being human. We respect that. (In fact, it’s part of what we embrace as part of Whole Human Therapy. You don’t have to geek out about the theory, but you can explore more at that link if you want.)

One of you may, however, be doing more damage to the relationship than the other. A good marriage counselor will see that clearly and proceed skillfully with appropriate support and challenge. Effective, good intervention from the counselor is a combination of tender regard for the adaptations and behaviors we humans employ, and the ability to hold a firm standard about what it means to be relational.

After all, when you do couples work, the relationship becomes the client. Together we work on the relationship. Our collective end-goal is to create a loving relationship that honors, nourishes, and fulfills both members of it.

Good marriage counseling is not about being permissive or neutral regarding doing damage to the relationship. And it holds space for both of you while holding each of you accountable. It’s an art as much as science. You are going to need someone highly skilled with this.

In addition, there ARE conditions that may need to be addressed before good couples work can take effect. I wrote about all of them right here. A good marriage counselor won’t gloss over those. As soon as she’s aware of them, she’ll broach them in session. With care, of course. With strength and the firmness a good marriage counselor can implement.

Does Marriage Counseling ever Not Work?

Unfortunately, it IS possible for marriage counseling to be ineffective. There ARE marriage counselors out there who are good people, well-intended, but not very skilled. Some counselors take only a surface-level approach because that’s either what they’re comfortable handling or they just haven’t done deeper work themselves. Other couples counselors are skilled at thinking through things. But thinking only gets you so far when it comes to love.

And hey, you and your partner might prefer to do work sheets and study one another’s Love Maps, or to concentrate on what IS working, or demonstrate love and care through effortful application of the Love Languages or some other target behavior change. You might really like applying IFS (Internal Family Systems) or using an Imago model. Maybe you really are looking for your relationship to solve issues of attachment and dysregulation. You might like the appeal of working on more emotional engagement and being more attuned to one another. Emotion Focused Couples Therapy sounds like a lovely promise, doesn’t it?

Those are all modalities for couples work that I am well-versed in and do not use because I’ve found something much more effective.

Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely will work on ALL the parts that make your marriage more relational and fulfilling for both of you. We all support that end-goal.

But, surface-level, brain-based, or behavioral change approaches just don’t permanently solve any real problems.

You do not have to make this more complicated than necessary.

You don’t have to waste time, energy, or money trying everything else.

And if you’re considering marriage counseling, then getting to the bottom of those problems, actually healing them, and then crafting a solution- one you can implement in the moment- is imperative.

Most of my clients are really smart. They have worked hard to succeed. Maybe they’ve tried several approaches already. They have significant knowledge and they have done a lot of growing. All of that is good. I honor ALL of those efforts and ALL of that growth.

Still, something is coming up in their primary relationship that feels too frustrating, too familiar, and threatens, not just their marriage, but their very happiness as well.

Is that you? I can help.

If you’re ready for something that really moves the needle and works long-term in your primary love relationship, get on my schedule for a FREE consultation call. I am eager to hear what’s going on for you and I’ll let you know exactly how I can help.

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Good Boundaries – at holiday time and always

When facing time with family, good boundaries will serve you well.

But first, let’s be clear: good boundaries are not “I just can’t take it ANY.MORE!” limits. They’re not demands you hope others will fulfill. They are not cold, hard brick walls.

Good boundaries are more like standards you have that keep YOU peaceful, safe, and at least relatively content.

Good Boundaries in action

Here’s an example: I have a standard that I don’t get yelled at. If, at any time, someone were to start yelling AT me, I would remove myself. Right away.

I don’t yell back and usually I don’t reiterate my standard unless I do it with super-low, measured energy. I just go away from it. Or get off the phone. I leave the room or ask the other person to leave- in that same measured, low-level energy.

I don’t do yelling matches. Period. About anything. Ever.

Those days are gone.

Because I now have standards about what I will and will not have in my life. And yelling AT me is one thing I will not have in my life.

Here’s a thing to remember:

You set a boundary, you get to keep it

Having a boundary and setting it is NOT about the other person, it’s about you. If you set a boundary, then it’s yours. You are the one who gets to tend and maintain the boundary.

You only get to control yourself.

Don’t try to use “boundaries” to control other people. That will never work. Those are actually demands. Those types of boundaries can be manipulative, plus they’re kind of screechy, shrill, and above all, ineffective. (More about this everywhere I’ve written about communication: HERE and HERE. You can check out the podcast episode HERE or search for episode 7 of Midlife Love Bytes anywhere you find your podcasts.)

Don’t be surprised when others push them or cross your good boundary.

They’re new. Like a dog and an electric fence, people need to discover and learn from the boundary. Of course they’re going to get tested.

Don’t get upset when YOUR boundary gets tested.

There’s no need to go to war over them. If the boundary or standard is not negotiable (that is the nature of real boundaries and standards- they are not negotiable) then don’t stand there and negotiate the boundary.

Yes, you can explain your boundary

But do this at a time when it’s not being tested, pushed, or crossed. You can say something like “hey, just so you know, I don’t stay engaged when people yell at me. It doesn’t work for me. I don’t like it. I feel bad and I just don’t tolerate it.”

End of talking. You don’t have to defend the boundary. Or unearth it’s family of origin or ex-spouse origin. If it’s a boundary and it’s your boundary and you mean to live by it, then you don’t really need to explain it or justify it or talk it to death.

That someone understands where the boundary comes from or how it came to be a boundary for you is way less important that YOU having it, being clear on it, and knowing that it’s YOUR boundary.

Assertiveness is different than aggression

Assertiveness comes from a place of strength; aggression comes from an attempt to get more of it. In other words, aggression is a reaction because of lack while assertiveness is just an assertion of that strength.

Assertiveness does not lord it over someone else or tell them what to do. Assertiveness puts the truth out there and then follows up when necessary.

Apply your good standards and boundaries

Heading into the holidays, identify a thing you know you won’t tolerate. Then make a plan for how you will respond to it. Then do it.

That’s all there is to it.

Don’t want to be around your drunk uncle? Make a plan to leave when that threshold gets crossed.

Don’t want to be compared to your brother? Leave the conversation if that happens. Go to a different room.

Tired of the girls doing all the work while the guys watch football? Ask for help. Use Clean, Non-Blaming Communication (TM) or (CNBC). “I feel frustrated. I don’t want to do all the work and clean-up. Can you help with that?” Or assert it as a standard: “I feel miffed. I want to watch football and take a nap.” Then go do it. 😉

Hard to imagine the last scenario?

It could be that’s not an area for a boundary.

Sure, it’s something you feel piqued about and you’ve grown bitter about over years and years and years.

Could be, asserting a boundary about that one is really about changing things up way ahead of the game, or just getting over your irritation.

You gotta pick your battles.

If you’re having trouble identifying what might be true boundaries, (think standard) versus demands or attempts to control, I can help. I can see what might be a blind spot for you. It’s what I do.

Maybe you don’t have any experience asserting a boundary and they come out being pretty aggressive expressions. I know how to help with that too. I love supporting people as they grow stronger.

You could be super frustrated around your previously thwarted attempts with good boundaries. I can help with that.

Let’s get you prepped and set for more peaceful, happier holidays (and life) this year.

Get in here and let’s get started. Give me a call.

CONNECT

Communication is key

You need a communication key. It’s true. And so many people say it when they come to me for help.

But lots of people think communication means more words. And usually it means exactly the opposite.

Use fewer words; say more.

Here’s how this works.

Listen, you already know the words you say are a small percentage of what you communicate (no matter the context of relationship. This goes for that texting conversation too.)

Energy, body language, tone, timing. It all matters. Plus, it communicates so much… way more than the actual words you choose.

It allows and invites and incites inference. (You’re smart, so you already know this.)

It’s how you interpret what the other is going to say next and how conversations become a patterned dance you repeat over and over and over and over.

Stop talking.

I’ve invited many of you to do this. Okay, for some of you , I’ve invited you to stop talking so much. You’re wearing your partner out and giving them WAY too many rabbit trails to follow on your “verbal processing fest.” Honestly, there’s just too much for one person to track sometimes when you’re going at it like that.

One thing at a time, grasshopper.

Ever heard of single-tasking? It actually takes more concentration than multi-tasking. It requires focus, showing up and paying attention. The speaker must practice conscious presence.

This is a GOOD THING.

Doing a verbal dump on your partner (or anyone else for that matter) is a little disrespectful anyway and a lot self-serving. So, literally, stop talking.

It’s hard, right?

Good. It should be a little hard. You’re doing something different than you’re used to. And now that you’ve closed your mouth, go the next step and really listen.

Get curious about what the other person is saying. Not like “why are you saying that?” or “why does he think like that?!” but curious like, literally, “hmmmmmm, that’s interesting.” And then think about it instead of plan the response. That kind of curious.

Become a quiet observer.

Sometimes what you’re observing is what’s going on with you. Notice this. (You are super interesting.)

Are you feeling defensive? Is something else rising up in you? Are you noticing you want to argue? Do you want to show what you know?

Just notice that. And let it be. Go back to listening.

I know you have a point to make.

And I know you think it’s super important and it’s THE THING that is going to make the difference and that THIS TIME the other person HAS TO HEAR what you are saying and UNDERSTAND you for once.

But they aren’t going to. So get over that. Breathe. Go back to listening.

Someone wise once said

“I never learn anything new by hearing myself talk.”

After all, it’s stuff you already know. So, take a weird risk and actually get quiet. See what happens.

Yes. People worry all the time about talking about those super important issues. There ARE really important topics and hard conversations to have sometimes. Don’t worry.

You will talk about the important stuff.

Most of you don’t have the skill to handle that right now. You’re too entrenched in your usual patterned dance, your regular, tired way of seeing things.

Listen, you’re stubborn for very good reason.

It makes PERFECT sense to you. And it’s very logical for the way you’re made, the way you think, and the way you move through the world.

AND…

you think some things that aren’t exactly true or at least something that isn’t exactly serving you right now. Maybe it’s not healthy…and it’s certainly not HELPFUL.

Those beliefs (we call them limiting beliefs) are not easy for you to spot all by yourself. You might want the help of a qualified and trained specialist. (I’m one, in case you forgot… and there are others too. You might like to spend more time with one of us.)

Find someone who can help you clarify your message.

You want minimum verbage, and maximum inpact. Low potential for arguing or for “trigger language,” for escalating conflict, for taking the conversation out of productive zone and into the fight zone.

You also want to say the very important thing. This includes telling the truth, your truth. Laying it on the line. Really revealing yourself. Getting open and vulnerable.

No one likes that, right?

It feels risky.

You might feel exposed when you actually tell the truth. There’s no telling how the other person will respond, right?

That is the nature or risk, by the way. You step out. You do your thing. No telling what will happen next.

That’s good. It’s a start.

I have couples (in particular) all the time who want to talk through the hard stuff but they have proven that they have no skill, no means, no history of success talking through the hard stuff. But they insist on doing it. If not in my office, then definitely away from my office.

And they usually have “some productive conversation” and very little real movement.

They have just enough “productive” in the conversation to keep them coming back to do the same old dance. Don’t keep doing that.

Tell the truth.

See if you can boil your point down to the very gist of it, the core, the most important and central, integral, bottom-line expression. See if it can be ONE thing that fits this format:

1. I feel… (and ONE emotion word.)

2. I want (or I don’t want) in ONE sentence. Form it without using the word “you” and let it be about what you want or don’t want in your own life and experience.

Get to the bottom line. Go to the heart of every matter.

And make it actually TRUE.

Here are some true and hard things people are actually dying to say to one another:

I feel scared. I don’t want to lose relationship.

I feel anxious. I want to please my mate. I don’t want to feel rejected or disappointing.

I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to get 10 years down the road and regret staying together.

I feel petrified. I don’t want to have to forgive something I thought I’d never face.

I feel ashamed. I don’t want to live with the weight of what I’ve done.

There’s a lot of power in telling the truth.

Most of us want to fix it. But don’t. For now. Just let the truth (your truth) be the thing. And listen while the other tries to express theirs. See if you can hear the feeling and the want or don’t want in all the words they’re using.

It’s a start. It’s not the only thing, but it’s the first thing.

And let me know how it’s going.

Day

Communication Matters

Communication. It’s key. People coming to me for help in their relationships (alone or together) tell me all the time that they

“just need to improve their communication skills.”

Most people strive really hard to do just that.

They work on being kinder and having a softer approach. They work really hard on analyzing correctly so they can get their point across clearly and “be heard.” They gather evidence and examples. They keep an historical record, sometimes verbatim. They submit the hypothetical to their partner “how would you like it if…?” They make appointments to have big talks and get to the bottom of things. Sometimes they even use “date nights” as a time for those big talks. They work really hard to hold it together even when things get tense.

Sound familiar?

Yikes.

Even people who specialize in relationship and couples work often don’t help effectively. They teach people to “attend to listening” or “pay attention” when it’s their partner’s turn to talk. Eye contact. Body language. Turning toward, not away. Leaning in. (No eye-rolling, sighs, or other displays of impatience.) They teach “reflective listening” and hope each person can “issue an empathy statement.”

Huh?

It’s good stuff… if you can do it successfully.

But sometimes it’s so much work.

Especially when, as a listener, you are seething and you already know the next thing your partner is going to say because she’s said it a hundred times and you are being forced to override every cell screaming to get away from this confrontation.You are, after all, in the counselor’s office and you are paying to do this conversation in front of a professional!

Or maybe the words coming out of your man’s mouth feel scathing and you just want to break down and cry but you’re being forced to “hold it together” long enough to be seen as “rational and logical.”

That kind of communication doesn’t truly work.

And by “work” I mean it does not get you what you want: connection, feeling understood, feeling like a team, solution and resolution. That’s why I regularly tell people to stop talking.

Now I don’t mean literally to stop talking entirely. I mean STOP TALKING so much. Stop talking like that. Do something entirely different.

I teach people to use my Clean, Non-blaming Communication (CNBC)™ framework.

It’s nifty. It diffuses huge issues. It’s simple. But not necessarily easy. And it’s usable and useful in so many situations and with all kinds of relationships. I mean that. With kids, bosses, underlings, acquaintances, potential dates, friends, siblings… you name it! Of course, it’s productive and helpful inside relationship!

I love it and I talk about it all the time. That’s because it has changed my life and the lives of so many clients. It grew out of years and years of my own experience, pain, hard work, broken heart, study, research, investigation, trial and error, and finally, complete transformation!

If you’ve signed up for my FREE Coaching Club, you already have a PDF copy of the framework.

Use it. Keep the framework handy because, of course it will feel strange and unnatural at first. It’s very different from what you’ve been doing! You will slip back into the pattern of the The Usual Subtext ™. That’s what’s natural. We’ve been conditioned to use that way of communication and try harder and harder, believing that our efforts have to yield results!

Or, worse, that there is just something wrong with the other person. They’re a bad mate, (we chose the wrong one!) or a bad employee, or bad sales clerk, or aggravating, troubled, difficult son (or daughter.)

We try and try and try and yet, all our efforts fail to get us what we want: cooperation, compliance, respect, connection, empathy, RESULTS!

If you want to learn more about the specifics of how Clean, Non-blaming Communication works, do one of three things:

Sign up for my FREE Coaching Club if you haven’t already. (Under the arrow on the side if you’re on a computer, below here if you’re on a phone or tablet.) You’ll get the PDF plus more info reserved for the Coaching Club and receive Love Letters from me about once a week.
Listen to this episode of my podcast.
Watch the TEDx talk from spring, 2017 in Minneapolis. (I tell a lot of my own story and how CNBC developed.)

Either of the last two will give you a good overview of the framework and insight into WHY it’s time to make a change. Plus, you’ll get some examples of what that might sound like.

Then, jump in and start using it. Try it out and let me know how it’s going. I LOVE, love, love to hear from you! Comment here and let me know how it’s going.

And if this is helpful, share it! We’re interested in helping more people, right?