People often ask me if their relationship is codependent. How can you even know?
There’s another extreme that is considered less often and that’s toxic Independence.
Codependency and Independence have different reputations, but they are both bad for healthy relationship. I’ll explain.
In many ways, they are two sides of the same coin. Codependency made its debut in the common vernacular from roots in addiction and twelve-step interventions. Independence, on the other hand, seems to be a national, inherited “treasure” even though, in relationship, it costs us tremendously.
What is Codependency?
Perhaps you’ve seen the meme about a codependent or enabler at death’s door and having their partner’s life flash before them! That’s an extreme example of someone having no sense of self.
We can say such a person is enmeshed, that they are porous and boundaryless, permeable, having no container for the self and being far too other-centric.
That’s therapy jargon for the fact such people take way too much responsibility…for other people, for other people’s feelings, and for other people’s moods and behavior. They are focused on the other instead of appropriately aware and responsible for themselves.
What makes Independence toxic, then?
Independence, on the other hand, with it’s long association with rugged individualism and dominance is best symbolized by the lone conqueror atop a jagged mountain, a suggestion that success can be attained alone.
Not only is this image and suggestion an absolute myth (no one, not a single person anywhere on the planet succeeds alone) but taking the position of independence within relationship makes true intimacy impossible. We can call such a person detached. Even if they seem “passionate” or fiery regarding their goals, in fact, they are cold and distant when it comes to relationship and sharing the truth about their inner world.
Both codependency and independence are horrible stances within relationship.
One is simpering and desperate, the other aloof, distant, and often postures over others.
Do you have an idea which might be your tendency?
Are you thinking about someone else right now? That could indicate a tendency toward codependency.
This question isn’t about anyone else but you. You are the star of your own life, not someone else. If you defer to thinking about someone else, you have an unhealthy view of relationship.
If you’re too independent, you might not even be reading this article. I jest but you understand me.
Even when independent people appear aloof and detached, the reality is that everyone wants to be loved: to be known and accepted. Even when individuals portray a strong independence that can read as cold or unfeeling, deep down, they crave true intimacy.
How can I make such a bold claim? It’s basic human nature. We are made for it. But many do not know how it is built. Let’s start with some basics.
Do you know what true intimacy is?
Many people misunderstand the concept. For codependents, intimacy may be intensity, feeling, a sentiment or mood. Their thoughts may tend toward focus on other people’s feelings, moods, needs, and desires. They rarely learn to pay attention to their own life.
Or, in an intimate partnership, they collapse, lose themselves, and their own identity once they’re involved with someone romantically. And, if single, they’re often looking for their next attachment.
Single or not, codependency becomes apparent in the thought-lives of those more focused on someone else’s lived experience than their own. It becomes apparent in their speech: codependents rarely, if ever, clearly advocate for themselves or express their own needs and desires. It can become apparent in how they spend their time: helping, doing for others, doing more than their fair share at work, or spending time worrying about other’s thoughts, feelings, etc.
For independent people, intimacy might look like intensity of a different sort: thrill-seeking, winning, sexual conquest or experience, achievement, or any kind of measurable success.
If this success involves other people, (it always does!) independent types will give less credit than others are due. Yet true intimacy eludes the ruggedly independent individual. Even their thoughts are preoccupied with themselves and their own goals rather than the feelings or preferences of those around them.
Rather than Independence or Codependency, True Intimacy Requires Interdependence
The concept of interdependence isn’t all that popular. For some reason, we prefer the image of a warm, kindhearted, giving person overextending herself. (Think Shel Silverstein’s, The Giving Tree)
Or we love a strong, independent and removed individual conquering all obstacles. (John Wick, anyone?)
Both images are rife in our common storytelling. Spiderman, Superman, Batman- none of these is allowed a nurturing, mutually satisfying love.
One-dimensional female characters have long been the norm, and when these have been replaced, the change is toward rugged individualism, not a true portrayal of what it means to be fully human and realistically dependent on other humans.
Rarely is true interdependence glorified or correctly portrayed when it comes to our shared narrative. Functional, healthy relationships rarely make great movies or compelling stories. Yet, healthy relationships really do make the very best LIVES.
Learning how to create and sustain functional, healthy relationships requires an understanding of Interdependence.
Interdependence is Distinct
Interdependence is right in the sweet spot of health. It happens when individuals are responsible for themselves, aware of themselves, yet not self-absorbed. They are also aware of others. But they are not consumed with this awareness either.
Healthy individuals consider their own needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires first (that’s psychologically healthy) but they don’t stop there. They are open to considering others and they do so with input from the other, not an assumption that they know what the other wants. Interdependence maintains respect for people as autonomous beings.
In my work with individuals and couples, we use the concepts of Whole Human Theory (TM) to describe how responsible, healthy adults show up in the world.
Our understanding of how people are made and how they move through the world are at the foundation of relationship. Seeing this accurately, understanding another deeply and accepting them unconditionally resonates as love for all of us, no matter what.
Whether someone tends towards Independence or Codependency, this foundation helps us establish a healthy relationship of interdependence.
People ask me all the time if Interdependence means they will get their needs met.
Yes, that is likely to happen. When people understand they are interconnected, the way they show up and the way they give in relationship often shifts.
And no, your partner is not here to meet your core needs or make up for all the wounding that happened before they arrived. When two people expect their partner will do such a thing, codependency can easily develop. When individuals expect a mate to provide the “core medicine” they need in order to feel desired equilibrium, wise strength, or peace, then they have wrongly assigned this job.
In fact, Whole Humans are aware of their “core medicine” aka their wants and needs and they see about providing it for themselves. They give up looking for a rescuer, or a provider, and become responsible for their own lives.
There’s no greater freedom!
And from there, they have the ability to turn towards another, share their inner worlds, and enjoy intentional true intimacy. These are the conditions for true interdependence and what many of us call Relational Joy. (Read more about Whole Human Theory (TM) HERE.)
Life was meant to be FULL of Relational Joy
But it’s impossible to have Relational Joy without Interdependence.
I know many of you think your approach to relationship is right, and hey, no one is saying otherwise. It’s not your fault that you’ve come to do relationship as you have.
It’s a combination of the way you’re made and how you move through the world, plus your examples and all that you came (very legitimately) to believe about how relationships work.
I have you covered. I love helping people with this. Even if all you want to do is chat on your 15-minute FREE consultation, let’s get one scheduled. Hit the button below to schedule a consult or a first session.
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