We ask “can this marriage be saved?” but a more appropriate question might be “should this marriage be saved?”
Let me tell you a story. (Don’t like stories? Skip to the next bold headline.)
I read the Ladies’ Home Journal column of the same title: Can this Marriage Be Saved? start to finish, religiously, just as soon as the magazine arrived for my mom…by the time I was eleven.
Maybe I intuitively knew by then that my parents’ marriage was on the rocks. Though they stayed married another 15 years, I now know that it was, indeed, doomed by the time I was reading that column.
My parents stayed together until my youngest brother finished college. And if that was a conscious choice, they never told any of us about the decision.
Consequently, we simply got to see them endlessly unhappy.
The tension was palpable. They weren’t fighters, but occasionally we’d hear their muffled “discussions” knocking from their bedroom. I remember losing respect for them as a teenager thinking “they are both lovely, intelligent, educated people.” Of course, I loved them both and I was incredibly frustrated seeing them so miserable. “If they can’t figure out how to have a good marriage, what chance do ANY of us have?!”
Listen, my parents lasted 41 years, made 11 children, and lived on three different continents during their time together. Some might see success in that. Or even deeper tragedy. For me, that distinction no longer matters, though it certainly did during my childhood and teen years and loooong after they split.
Make no mistake, your unhappy marriage is affecting the people around you. It’s especially affecting your children. And if you can’t figure it out, it will become their challenge. So…
Should your marriage be saved?
If you ask most couples counselors (myself included) Can this marriage be saved? the answer is going to be yes. I said that very thing RIGHT HERE. Pretty much any marriage can be saved. (The further question might be, why save it? and at what cost?)
Look, we are used to couples counselors, therapists, and relationship experts saying they don’t take sides, they won’t tell you what to do, that the decision to go or to stay is with you. And it is, ultimately. No therapist can make you do things, nor should they actually try. (In the biz, we call that detachment from outcome. It’s your life, not mine. Always.)
But a good couples counselor ought to provide adequate insight into what it will take to repair what is broken between you. A good marriage counselor can teach you what healthy relationship actually is and how it functions. They should be able to detect when your uphill battle is a waste of effort. Plus, they ought to SHARE that information with you, not keep it to themselves.
Keep in mind, with strong enough motivation from both parties, it is possible to heal just about any relationship.
Humans have been intentionally healing from the most heinous trauma for decades, even centuries. Methods are more effective than ever. So, there’s hope. Yet, no one is obligated to do the work of healing and getting healthy. And many people on the planet exercise their right to remain untreated. I’m good with that. Even as a licensed couples counselor!
It’s healthy if you are too. So…
What will it take to save your marriage?
Number one, accept the fact that you cannot alter another person’s will. Each individual on the planet gets to decide. Accepting this will save you a TON of pain and wasted effort. This also means you don’t get to dictate how someone ought to heal or cope. If they choose to leave, save yourself added pain and humiliation and let them go. (Read tips about how to let go if that’s hard to do.)
Two, learn what it means to be responsible for yourself. Tending to your own healing is all the work you need to do. You cannot do someone else’s healing work for them. It’s not your job. If letting go in this way and focusing on yourself is difficult (I know it can be; I help people with this all the time) be sure you get professional help. Then be certain that helper does not let you spend your time together focused on the other person.
Finally, get the right kind of support in real life. Don’t reiterate your pain to friends and family. You’ll not only ruin relationships, but you’ll make yourself even more miserable. I call this rehearsing your pain and people do it all the time. It gets them stuck. Then, tell your professional support team the truth. If you present two faces (or more) it will make it harder for them to help. (See point two above and read about a good therapy relationship HERE.)
So, when is saving the marriage truly hopeless?
If both of you are willing to invest in the relationship (and when I say invest, I really mean willing to stay in the relationship) then there’s just ONE thing that will prevent a happier relationship. Here it is:
If you’re waiting for the other person to change, or do more, or stop doing something, your marriage is doomed, done-for, over, hopeless. If you CAN’T STOP waiting for that, you may as well get divorced right this minute. I mean this emphatically.
I know it can be tough to stop waiting, wishing, or trying to coerce the other person to change, but good couples counseling (and good individual counseling) will address this objective.
What needs to be addressed first?
In addition, many professionals won’t tell you this, but there are conditions that make good couples work utterly impossible. We call them contraindications for couples counseling. That means their existence works directly against the process done in marriage counseling, so there really is no point to attempting marriage counseling unless these conditions are addressed effectively. Keep in mind, these are very challenging obstacles. Treating them is not hopeless, just very difficult. They have to be addressed, not completely solved before couples work can be effective.
They are, in no particular order of significance:
Physical abuse.
If either one of you get so triggered you cannot control your impulses and you lash out physically, this requires intervention before any progress can be made. Period. It’s not complicated.
Addiction.
This can be process or substance addiction. It could be porn, gambling, shopping, television, food, alcohol, or another substance. But if it goes unaddressed, there’s no point to doing couples work together. Read that list again. Capacity for moderation is necessary before relationship repair can happen. In addition, the individual must be willing and working on it; they don’t have to be perfect, they just have to be honest and responsible. Addiction is rife with relapse, so be realistic.
Personality Disorders.
These notably include Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline, Histrionic, Dependent, Avoidant, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorders. I’m listing these in particular because there is some hope of treating these conditions. However, treatment requires invested long-term effort, effective and focused help, dedication from the affected person, as well as a team of support people in order for enough stabilization to warrant working on a relationship.
What doesn’t eliminate good couples work?
Mood Disorders like Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar, or Dysthymia are not on the list of contraindications. However, the presence of these conditions creates a very real, dynamic challenge and these also need to be treated and addressed. Increasing quality of life with a mood disorder (hence, availability for relationship) takes concentrated treatment and dedication, much like living with a chronic disease.
Did you also notice that infidelity is not on my list? Many couples counselors will not see a couple if there is an active affair. But I do things differently here. You can read about my approach to Infidelity Treatment here.
“So, you’re telling me there’s a chance?”
There is a chance and sometimes that chance is one in a million, just like the line from Dumb and Dumber. (And if you recognize the line and remember its context, we could probably be friends.) But seriously, let’s just say NONE of the above conditions of physical abuse, addiction, or a personality disorder is present; working on your relationship can still be very difficult.
Saving a marriage and creating a healthy one can take a huge investment of time, energy, and money.
You will waste all that energy if you hire the wrong person or try to engage someone who is not a specialist. If you hire someone who can’t identify or won’t tell you that you or your partner have issues requiring attention before engaging more couples work, then you’ve chosen someone who is not even qualified to do marriage counseling.
If there’s infidelity (historical, recent, or active) and you hire someone who doesn’t specialize in treating infidelity, you’re also wasting your efforts.
When you hire a couples counselor, you need someone who has the skills and qualifications to actually help you.
Is it worth it?
Absolutely. You know I’m going to say YES! Even if just one of you is willing to grow and heal, it is worth everything you invest in it. No matter if the other person does their work or not. That’s true even if you don’t manage to stay married.
That’s because really good marriage counseling pays dividends that last forever and reverberate out from you. What you experience and learn will serve you in being able to create and enjoy a cherishing relationship. This one or the next. And that’s priceless. For you, your children, and all the other people around you.
Look, my parents didn’t have psychiatric issues, addiction, or physical abuse present in their relationship. I’m really grateful for that because those additional concerns create incredible familial chaos and add an enormous burden for all those around them.
But my parents were stubborn. They did each insist that the other was wrong and needed to change. Ultimately, that unwillingness to be wholly responsible for themselves was their undoing.
It took a lot longer than necessary for me to figure that out, or to be able to create and enjoy healthy love in my own life. But I’ve done it and I know how to help others get there faster.
Truth is, it’s only hard until it isn’t anymore. After that, it’s all gravy.
If you’re willing- even if you’re the only one who’s ready- we can do some amazing work together. Get on my call schedule and let’s chat. You’ll be so glad you got a chance to explore what doing relational work will mean for you. And don’t worry, it includes a TON more joy and playfulness than you imagine. That’s part of the medicine.
Let’s talk soon.
BOOK NOWPS. Just to clarify
My parents staying together until all of us were through college was NOT the worst choice they could have made. They did their best with what they had and I am not one bit bitter about their choices. I see and salute their humanity. (Being able to do that is a result of having done my own work!)
In fact, the older I get, the more I find to be grateful for in the home, example, structure, challenges, and inspiration they provided for me and my siblings.
Definitely true: they inspired me at a very young age- in ways I didn’t yet understand- to get very good at this job. I love so much being able to help others have healthy, happy relationships. It’s an added joy that I get to live in my own cherishing, healthy relationship. That’s because I chose to do the work after lots of trial and error trying to figure it out on my own.
You don’t have to spend any more time trying to figure it out. Get on my call schedule and let’s see about getting you some answers.