You’ll hear the opposite this time of year, but the key to habit change is not RA, RA, get it gurl! New Year, New You!
Not at all.
Gentleness is really the key to changing any habit: big, small, minute, stubborn, slippery. More than any other mode, gentleness rules the day
But let’s define GENTLENESS.
It’s a key cornerstone in how I work with people. And like my mentor, Terry Real, says “Harshness never did what loving firmness does a thousand times better.”
Harshness, is, in essence, violence. Toward others and inside our minds. We’ve just bought into the idea that violence gives us traction. We’ve sided with brute force because it seems to get things done. ( I mean, it’s violent and it’s movement, so there is that. But it does damage in the meantime.)
Gentleness on the other hand, can be described as loving firmness. It’s the best strength available to humans. It includes an awareness of oneself and it is really the only thing that moves the needle.
The new year and anticipated changes ahead may habit change into focus.
I know you’ve heard from me that New Year’s Resolutions are bunk. They really are NOT an effective way to start fresh or meet goals or change habits. (But we still like doing it!)
Paranthetical insertion: I still remember last year talking with friends at my Arthur Murray dance studio and saying how New Year’s Resolutions do not work and getting quite the push-back from one of the guys. “What do you mean, they don’t work?! How do you set goals then? Who doesn’t make New Year’s Resolutions?!!” He was pretty heated about it.
There are people who absolutely LOVE them! If you’re one of them, I get it.
For all of us, they feel pretty wonderful. They are optimistic and beautiful. They’re so hopeful, and such a lovely marker for adjusting habits we want to change.
But making real change has actual stages (that we’ve researched) so we know what’s truly effective. We know how the human animal makes adjustments and what is, in fact, key to making a lasting habit change. We know what proves most effective in incorporating a lasting adjustment that simply becomes part of life.
Habit change is not really simple or easy. So much has to happen!
Here are the Stages of Change
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Precontemplation — this is before a desirable change is even really on our conscious radar. Maybe that’s the time when some nagging way of living is just having an effect on us — like we sorta register maybe feeling a little…off, sluggish, unsatisfied, but that’s it.
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Contemplation — this is when we start to THINK about the thing. “Hmmm, Oh, well, that’s a lot of cookies. Or I probably should DO something about my bank account.” Or it could be that something just registers as bothering us: I wish I had better friends. or I don’t think there’s anyone I could call for help at 2 in the morning.
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Planning — Perhaps this is self-explanatory. But this is when you make a plan. You think about how you can be successful. You do the mental work of thinking about what needs to be adjusted in order to make the change. (Maybe you think what it might be like to NOT buy whatever you want off Amazon. Maybe you think about what it would be like to actually go outside in January and take a brisk walk in the middle of the day.)
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Action — You DO the thing! You move money into your savings. Or you meal prep for the week and then that’s all you eat. You DO the workout. This is you actually doing the new thing.
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Maintenance — the time when you sustain the change. It becomes your new normal. You’re in a different groove and routine. Pretty soon, this is your way of doing things. This is the time when identification with this new normal takes root and makes the change so powerful. Now, you the kind of person who…manages her money well, is fit and athletic, lives a healthy lifestyle, whose friendships are deep, meaningful, AND fun!
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Relapse — every single person on the planet needs to accept that relapse is part of the process of change. There WILL be times when you waste money again. You ARE going to overeat. Or miss a workout. Definitely gonna be moments of conflict in relationships—of all kinds. This is a NORMAL part of life. And relapse can be a reality without being a REVERT. If one accepts it as part of the process. Then, ya just return to the new normal… and this part is supr important: no shame, no blame, and there’s no need for fear. Just get back to it. (Psssst, Go back to Action).
Okay, now that you’ve seen these stages of change…
Maybe you can see it without me spelling it out. But I’m gonna spell it out: New Year’s Resolutions expect human beings to go from a state of revelry and celebration to suddenly tamping down an enjoyable thing. They are bonkers!
No one really changes anything meaningfully by going from enjoyment to QUITTING! (Not even quitting smoking cold turkey happens suddenly. The successful quitter thinks about it and plans for how he will confront moments previously punctuated with a cigarette. The wise quitter realizes relapse may be part of the equation and instead of this being an excuse to revert to the habit, she simply returns to the intention and action of quitting.)
What is much more effective is paying attention to those areas of life you’ve started contemplating that might need an adjustment. And taking the MONTH of January to think it through, maybe make a plan and… just when everyone else is abandoning their Resolutions, (in February) that might be when YOU decide to start taking action.
At any rate, be GENTLE with yourself. You don’t need to be indulgent or permissive with yourself. I hope you were indulgent over the holiday season and that you ENJOYED yourself immensely! I hope you were gentle with yourself coming back to a more regular schedule after the holidays.
By all means, be gentle with yourself as you walk out whatever behavior change you’re hoping to accomplish. Just don’t skip the stages.
Now YOU get to be gentle with yourself.
No matter what, be gentle with yourself as you attempt to change behavior. Maybe think about the stages of change if there’s anything that needs changing. And also, get in for a session if you need some support in making that change.
Above all, go right ahead and take your time thinking through, planning for, and acting in your best interests.
You got this.
And I’m right here. I got you if there’s anything at all you need. Get on my schedule for a free consultation or book your first session.
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