healthy relationship Archives - Luwandi Counseling & Coaching

How to Resolve Conflict

Resolving conflict can be a fraught topic. Why is that?

You’re IN your relationships, so the movement, patterns, stresses and joys of them, are something you just DO and HAVE.

But there’s one thing that determines how healthy they actually are. Like most truly valuable things, it’s SIMPLE. You’ve probably heard me say that simple doesn’t automatically translate as EASY, but stick with me.

Ready for it? This is the one thing that determines how healthy your relationships are:

It’s how you resolve conflict.

It’s not the ABSENCE of conflict in relationships that determines their happiness or health. Maybe you’ve heard me say one person made this way, moving through the world like so, with these core issues — plus another person made their way, moving through the world as they do, with their core issues MEANS conflict. Guaranteed.

One human + one human = conflict.

At some point.

It’s inevitable. It’s human. And in fact, it’s psychologically healthy.

BUT! The singular thing that is a barometer of the HEALTH of your relationship is HOW well the two of you navigate conflict.

Here’s what happens when you don’t resolve conflict well:

You both create an undercurrent of unresolved tension. When this builds up over time, I call this Empathy Gridlock. That’s because, ultimately (even when you’re not aware of exactly what that thing is) you each want something from the other, but you’re not getting what you want in the relationship and so, neither of you budge giving the other what they truly want! Hence, Empathy Gridlock.

Sometimes people in this state agree to be miserable together.

Some humans actually stay together in this state for quite a long time. We all know old couples who bicker like children, are general curmudgeons — at least one of them is — and they live out their lives never doing anything different.

But should YOU? I always side with people being as healthy as possible, so my answer to that is, “Oh my goodness, don’t do that when you don’t have to. Why would you!?”

Most of the couples who come to see me are in a state of Empathy Gridlock and we get to work busting the gridlock so they can get back to peace and relational joy.

Some pairings don’t have decades of Empathy Gridlock built up.

Because a lot of my couples are mid-lifers who are re-mating after a divorce, these couples especially want to do something different with this new relationship. They want to be sure they know how to have a healthier version of a committed, loving relationship.

They are smart! They realize it’s easy to fall into old patterns.

The first step is realizing your own tendencies.

What’s your usual way of addressing conflict?

Some people cope with conflict like so:

They avoid.

This is easy to do. Just let the relationship fade away… Let it die on the vine. Wither from neglect. Allow it to shrivel and drop off.

I’ve been guilty of this.

I can be a baby when my desire to avoid overrides a sense of maturity. That’s on me. It can be my tendency, for sure!

I’m not defending it, I just understand it from the inside out! Avoiding conflict is not a way to resolve it, since unresolved conflict can fester…or it can kill a relationship.

(Psssst, there are ALWAYS good reasons avoiding conflict is someone’s go-to response. There are also highly effective ways to truly heal those reasons. I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve grown into being good at resolving conflict. If I can do it, anyone can. I’ll show you how if you decide to explore working together.)

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Others let conflict fester and then add to their own narrative.

This can make the chance for reconciliation even more remote and make the path back even harder. But it’s also a natural thing to do.

This can be where the CNI comes into play. That Core Negative Image of the other is easily expanded and increased with their every move. More and more “evidence” of their flawed nature piles up.

You know what I’m talking about. It can be the difference between seeing your mate’s wet shoes parked half on the rug and half off the rug and thinking “GAWD, what a slob! He’s never careful with our wood floors!” or thinking something lighter like “Hmmm, look at that. He’s making such an effort to get the x,y,z task accomplished outside even in the rain.”

One approach automatically gives the benefit of the doubt…and likely with an internal stance that the relationship is much more important than the floor. The other approach automatically reverts to the Core Negative Image of this person as “a slob.”

Even if he’s messy, untidy, or doesn’t prioritize keeping the wood floor dry… thinking in that way, even about tiny things can make it MUCH harder to work a repair that actually lasts..when more important issues arise. Build-up of the Core Negative Image over time ensures the pairing will have a very difficult time truly resolving anything.

Some people revert to perspective arguing to “resolve conflict.”

It never works. Perspective arguing is ALWAYS a losing strategy. And while it can come naturally, most of us want the other person to understand us, and it seems to “make sense” as the way to resolve things, it is not effective!

In fact, when two people spend time taking turns explaining themselves, they walk away even more entrenched in their own way of thinking. There’s research proving this. Perspective arguing does not build rapport, respect, or understanding.

In addition, perspective arguing often leads to an escalation of the conflict, and just serves to underscore the CNI.

In these instances, it’s common for individuals to have fantasy conversations with the other person.

Think about it.

Have you ever revisited an exchange again and again, thinking through what you wish you’d said?

Or maybe you’ve imagined an exchange long before it ever happens. Have you practiced what you’ll say and predicted the response?

Some people do so much imaginary communicating, they think they’ve actually already had the conversation.

All of it, just ADDS to the Core Negative Image that’s rattling around in someone’s head.

Sad thing, no matter how well-intended you are, it’s nearly impossible to prevent someone else’s CNI of you! You cannot control their perception.

The best bet? Resolve conflict well.

So, what happens when you DO resolve conflict well?

Everyone has their idea of how to do this better. Those ideas include communicating better, or explaining themselves more or explaining more clearly. Some people think it means learning to talk to their mate in a way the other has a better chance of hearing. Some people think it means trying harder. Or avoiding conflict more effectively to begin with.

All of that is important to some degree. So, yes to all of it.

It’s not where we start, though.

Why?

Because it doesn’t prevent Empathy Gridlock or genuinely get two people beyond their conflict as quickly as possible. What will?

Easy Conflict Resolution

When you do resolve conflict well, there are three simple steps.

One or the other person offers a repair.
The recipient accepts the offer for repair, if not immediately, then eventually. (Sooner is better than later.)
The repair works! Effectively. Completely.

When I say the repair works, I mean it does repair the relationship: it restores good feeling between the two, and it brings them back to peace and relational joy. In fact, accomplishing a complete repair instills more confidence in the relationship and it brings people closer.

The overall health of the relationship is apparent in HOW they manage and resolve the conflict.

The healthiest relationships work an effective repair in about 20 minutes.

Believe it or not, that’s about how long it takes for two healthy, mature people to be responsible and honest about their own stuff, to be vulnerable with one another, and to discover they still, yes, they still have a safe, cherishing, loving haven of a relationship with one another.

I know that seems like very short order, and it truly is. Keep in mind this is between two whole human adults who have healed their residual trauma and have a good mastery over their core issues.

They have done the healing work and they show up, ready for healthy relationship.

Lots of us have experienced that it can take days, even weeks, before there’s any movement toward peace. And look, you can’t control the other person, but you can do what you can do and then be genuinely at peace with your efforts. No matter what kind of relationship it is. No matter what kind of response you get.

So eventually, yes, what happens between two healthy adults is that they work through a conflict easily and responsibly in quite short order. This means between workmates, between friends, between parents and grown children, between siblings, as well as in intimate partnerships.

How are you doing resolving conflict?

If you don’t know how to do this, or you keep running into frustrations, I can help with that. Obviously, I’m not the only one who can do this, but I’d love to join you.

I can’t think of a thing on the planet more important than helping people have truly healthy relationships. It’s what I do. I do this all day long. Every day. In every way I can think of making that contribution.

Why?

Because it’s JOYFUL. Literally. Full of joy. For me and for my clients.

Experiencing relational joy, not just a fleeting feeling here or there, is truly joyful and good. Real peace and harmony in relationships of all kinds is the absolute foundation to a happy, healthy, long, enjoyable, productive life. (There’s research on that as well- google the longest running Harvard Study on Happiness.)

Relationship conflict during the holidays can make everything worse.

Since there’s so much emphasis on family, on togetherness, and so many parties or gatherings or events to attend, gifts to buy, and so much cooking, and baking, and (around here at least) so much food to make and eat and give….

pressure can build up.

This is definitely the season when the state of our relationships is most evident. Unresolved conflict can feel even heavier.

Even if you don’t have a ton going on, it can be a low mood time of the year.

Darker days, colder temps, less daylight can all add to the challenges of the holiday season.

I don’t suggest starting big relationship work during the holidays. Wait to get to work until after the first of the year. Whether there’s a primary love relationship that needs to be much better. or you’re experiencing conflict in other relationships, you don’t have to ADD the stress of trying to change things right now.

But here’s what I can help with NOW:

If you want to get started identifying the patterns in a relationship and explore types of repair in your particular situation, we can do that.
If you’d like to prepare for a gathering, an encounter, a situation or circumstance, we can do that.
If you’d like some extra warmth and support because you’re feeling the loss of someone dear to you, I’m here for you.
If Seasonal Affective symptoms or depression are flaring, let’s address that.
If you’d like to set the groundwork for goals to meet in the New Year, we can get started on that now.
If you’d like to do a one-off, or a reset, or a refresh, we can do that right now.

I opened up more sessions on my calendar this week if you want to jump in. GO HERE to Schedule.

I’m looking forward to hearing more about what is going on for you. I’ll let you know exactly how I can help. Resolving conflict is a skill you definitely need. No matter where it applies, there’s a good solution. Let’s…BOOK NOW

Can this marriage be saved?

We ask “can this marriage be saved?” but a more appropriate question might be “should this marriage be saved?”

Let me tell you a story. (Don’t like stories? Skip to the next bold headline.)

I read the Ladies’ Home Journal column of the same title: Can this Marriage Be Saved? start to finish, religiously, just as soon as the magazine arrived for my mom…by the time I was eleven.

Maybe I intuitively knew by then that my parents’ marriage was on the rocks. Though they stayed married another 15 years, I now know that it was, indeed, doomed by the time I was reading that column.

My parents stayed together until my youngest brother finished college. And if that was a conscious choice, they never told any of us about the decision.

Consequently, we simply got to see them endlessly unhappy.

The tension was palpable. They weren’t fighters, but occasionally we’d hear their muffled “discussions” knocking from their bedroom. I remember losing respect for them as a teenager thinking “they are both lovely, intelligent, educated people.” Of course, I loved them both and I was incredibly frustrated seeing them so miserable. “If they can’t figure out how to have a good marriage, what chance do ANY of us have?!”

Listen, my parents lasted 41 years, made 11 children, and lived on three different continents during their time together. Some might see success in that. Or even deeper tragedy. For me, that distinction no longer matters, though it certainly did during my childhood and teen years and loooong after they split.

Make no mistake, your unhappy marriage is affecting the people around you. It’s especially affecting your children. And if you can’t figure it out, it will become their challenge. So…

Should your marriage be saved?

If you ask most couples counselors (myself included) Can this marriage be saved? the answer is going to be yes. I said that very thing RIGHT HERE. Pretty much any marriage can be saved. (The further question might be, why save it? and at what cost?)

Look, we are used to couples counselors, therapists, and relationship experts saying they don’t take sides, they won’t tell you what to do, that the decision to go or to stay is with you. And it is, ultimately. No therapist can make you do things, nor should they actually try. (In the biz, we call that detachment from outcome. It’s your life, not mine. Always.)

But a good couples counselor ought to provide adequate insight into what it will take to repair what is broken between you. A good marriage counselor can teach you what healthy relationship actually is and how it functions. They should be able to detect when your uphill battle is a waste of effort. Plus, they ought to SHARE that information with you, not keep it to themselves.

Keep in mind, with strong enough motivation from both parties, it is possible to heal just about any relationship.

Humans have been intentionally healing from the most heinous trauma for decades, even centuries. Methods are more effective than ever. So, there’s hope. Yet, no one is obligated to do the work of healing and getting healthy. And many people on the planet exercise their right to remain untreated. I’m good with that. Even as a licensed couples counselor!

It’s healthy if you are too. So…

What will it take to save your marriage?

Number one, accept the fact that you cannot alter another person’s will. Each individual on the planet gets to decide. Accepting this will save you a TON of pain and wasted effort. This also means you don’t get to dictate how someone ought to heal or cope. If they choose to leave, save yourself added pain and humiliation and let them go. (Read tips about how to let go if that’s hard to do.)

Two, learn what it means to be responsible for yourself. Tending to your own healing is all the work you need to do. You cannot do someone else’s healing work for them. It’s not your job. If letting go in this way and focusing on yourself is difficult (I know it can be; I help people with this all the time) be sure you get professional help. Then be certain that helper does not let you spend your time together focused on the other person.

Finally, get the right kind of support in real life. Don’t reiterate your pain to friends and family. You’ll not only ruin relationships, but you’ll make yourself even more miserable. I call this rehearsing your pain and people do it all the time. It gets them stuck. Then, tell your professional support team the truth. If you present two faces (or more) it will make it harder for them to help. (See point two above and read about a good therapy relationship HERE.)

So, when is saving the marriage truly hopeless?

If both of you are willing to invest in the relationship (and when I say invest, I really mean willing to stay in the relationship) then there’s just ONE thing that will prevent a happier relationship. Here it is:

If you’re waiting for the other person to change, or do more, or stop doing something, your marriage is doomed, done-for, over, hopeless. If you CAN’T STOP waiting for that, you may as well get divorced right this minute. I mean this emphatically.

I know it can be tough to stop waiting, wishing, or trying to coerce the other person to change, but good couples counseling (and good individual counseling) will address this objective.

What needs to be addressed first?

In addition, many professionals won’t tell you this, but there are conditions that make good couples work utterly impossible. We call them contraindications for couples counseling. That means their existence works directly against the process done in marriage counseling, so there really is no point to attempting marriage counseling unless these conditions are addressed effectively. Keep in mind, these are very challenging obstacles. Treating them is not hopeless, just very difficult. They have to be addressed, not completely solved before couples work can be effective.

They are, in no particular order of significance:

Physical abuse.

If either one of you get so triggered you cannot control your impulses and you lash out physically, this requires intervention before any progress can be made. Period. It’s not complicated.

Addiction.

This can be process or substance addiction. It could be porn, gambling, shopping, television, food, alcohol, or another substance. But if it goes unaddressed, there’s no point to doing couples work together. Read that list again. Capacity for moderation is necessary before relationship repair can happen. In addition, the individual must be willing and working on it; they don’t have to be perfect, they just have to be honest and responsible. Addiction is rife with relapse, so be realistic.

Personality Disorders.

These notably include Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline, Histrionic, Dependent, Avoidant, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorders. I’m listing these in particular because there is some hope of treating these conditions. However, treatment requires invested long-term effort, effective and focused help, dedication from the affected person, as well as a team of support people in order for enough stabilization to warrant working on a relationship.

What doesn’t eliminate good couples work?

Mood Disorders like Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar, or Dysthymia are not on the list of contraindications. However, the presence of these conditions creates a very real, dynamic challenge and these also need to be treated and addressed. Increasing quality of life with a mood disorder (hence, availability for relationship) takes concentrated treatment and dedication, much like living with a chronic disease.

Did you also notice that infidelity is not on my list? Many couples counselors will not see a couple if there is an active affair. But I do things differently here. You can read about my approach to Infidelity Treatment here.

“So, you’re telling me there’s a chance?”

There is a chance and sometimes that chance is one in a million, just like the line from Dumb and Dumber. (And if you recognize the line and remember its context, we could probably be friends.) But seriously, let’s just say NONE of the above conditions of physical abuse, addiction, or a personality disorder is present; working on your relationship can still be very difficult.

Saving a marriage and creating a healthy one can take a huge investment of time, energy, and money.

You will waste all that energy if you hire the wrong person or try to engage someone who is not a specialist. If you hire someone who can’t identify or won’t tell you that you or your partner have issues requiring attention before engaging more couples work, then you’ve chosen someone who is not even qualified to do marriage counseling.

If there’s infidelity (historical, recent, or active) and you hire someone who doesn’t specialize in treating infidelity, you’re also wasting your efforts.

When you hire a couples counselor, you need someone who has the skills and qualifications to actually help you.

Is it worth it?

Absolutely. You know I’m going to say YES! Even if just one of you is willing to grow and heal, it is worth everything you invest in it. No matter if the other person does their work or not. That’s true even if you don’t manage to stay married.

That’s because really good marriage counseling pays dividends that last forever and reverberate out from you. What you experience and learn will serve you in being able to create and enjoy a cherishing relationship. This one or the next. And that’s priceless. For you, your children, and all the other people around you.

Look, my parents didn’t have psychiatric issues, addiction, or physical abuse present in their relationship. I’m really grateful for that because those additional concerns create incredible familial chaos and add an enormous burden for all those around them.

But my parents were stubborn. They did each insist that the other was wrong and needed to change. Ultimately, that unwillingness to be wholly responsible for themselves was their undoing.

It took a lot longer than necessary for me to figure that out, or to be able to create and enjoy healthy love in my own life. But I’ve done it and I know how to help others get there faster.

Truth is, it’s only hard until it isn’t anymore. After that, it’s all gravy.

If you’re willing- even if you’re the only one who’s ready- we can do some amazing work together. Get on my call schedule and let’s chat. You’ll be so glad you got a chance to explore what doing relational work will mean for you. And don’t worry, it includes a TON more joy and playfulness than you imagine. That’s part of the medicine.

Let’s talk soon.

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PS. Just to clarify

My parents staying together until all of us were through college was NOT the worst choice they could have made. They did their best with what they had and I am not one bit bitter about their choices. I see and salute their humanity. (Being able to do that is a result of having done my own work!)

In fact, the older I get, the more I find to be grateful for in the home, example, structure, challenges, and inspiration they provided for me and my siblings.

Definitely true: they inspired me at a very young age- in ways I didn’t yet understand- to get very good at this job. I love so much being able to help others have healthy, happy relationships. It’s an added joy that I get to live in my own cherishing, healthy relationship. That’s because I chose to do the work after lots of trial and error trying to figure it out on my own.

You don’t have to spend any more time trying to figure it out. Get on my call schedule and let’s see about getting you some answers.

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How do I know if this relationship is Codependent?

People often ask me if their relationship is codependent. How can you even know?

There’s another extreme that is considered less often and that’s toxic Independence.

Codependency and Independence have different reputations, but they are both bad for healthy relationship. I’ll explain.

In many ways, they are two sides of the same coin. Codependency made its debut in the common vernacular from roots in addiction and twelve-step interventions. Independence, on the other hand, seems to be a national, inherited “treasure” even though, in relationship, it costs us tremendously.

What is Codependency?

Perhaps you’ve seen the meme about a codependent or enabler at death’s door and having their partner’s life flash before them! That’s an extreme example of someone having no sense of self.

We can say such a person is enmeshed, that they are porous and boundaryless, permeable, having no container for the self and being far too other-centric.

That’s therapy jargon for the fact such people take way too much responsibility…for other people, for other people’s feelings, and for other people’s moods and behavior. They are focused on the other instead of appropriately aware and responsible for themselves.

What makes Independence toxic, then?

Independence, on the other hand, with it’s long association with rugged individualism and dominance is best symbolized by the lone conqueror atop a jagged mountain, a suggestion that success can be attained alone.

Not only is this image and suggestion an absolute myth (no one, not a single person anywhere on the planet succeeds alone) but taking the position of independence within relationship makes true intimacy impossible. We can call such a person detached. Even if they seem “passionate” or fiery regarding their goals, in fact, they are cold and distant when it comes to relationship and sharing the truth about their inner world.

Both codependency and independence are horrible stances within relationship.

One is simpering and desperate, the other aloof, distant, and often postures over others.

Do you have an idea which might be your tendency?

Are you thinking about someone else right now? That could indicate a tendency toward codependency.

This question isn’t about anyone else but you. You are the star of your own life, not someone else. If you defer to thinking about someone else, you have an unhealthy view of relationship.

If you’re too independent, you might not even be reading this article. I jest but you understand me.

Even when independent people appear aloof and detached, the reality is that everyone wants to be loved: to be known and accepted. Even when individuals portray a strong independence that can read as cold or unfeeling, deep down, they crave true intimacy.

How can I make such a bold claim? It’s basic human nature. We are made for it. But many do not know how it is built. Let’s start with some basics.

Do you know what true intimacy is?

Many people misunderstand the concept. For codependents, intimacy may be intensity, feeling, a sentiment or mood. Their thoughts may tend toward focus on other people’s feelings, moods, needs, and desires. They rarely learn to pay attention to their own life.

Or, in an intimate partnership, they collapse, lose themselves, and their own identity once they’re involved with someone romantically. And, if single, they’re often looking for their next attachment.

Single or not, codependency becomes apparent in the thought-lives of those more focused on someone else’s lived experience than their own. It becomes apparent in their speech: codependents rarely, if ever, clearly advocate for themselves or express their own needs and desires. It can become apparent in how they spend their time: helping, doing for others, doing more than their fair share at work, or spending time worrying about other’s thoughts, feelings, etc.

For independent people, intimacy might look like intensity of a different sort: thrill-seeking, winning, sexual conquest or experience, achievement, or any kind of measurable success.

If this success involves other people, (it always does!) independent types will give less credit than others are due. Yet true intimacy eludes the ruggedly independent individual. Even their thoughts are preoccupied with themselves and their own goals rather than the feelings or preferences of those around them.

Rather than Independence or Codependency, True Intimacy Requires Interdependence

The concept of interdependence isn’t all that popular. For some reason, we prefer the image of a warm, kindhearted, giving person overextending herself. (Think Shel Silverstein’s, The Giving Tree)

Or we love a strong, independent and removed individual conquering all obstacles. (John Wick, anyone?)

Both images are rife in our common storytelling. Spiderman, Superman, Batman- none of these is allowed a nurturing, mutually satisfying love.

One-dimensional female characters have long been the norm, and when these have been replaced, the change is toward rugged individualism, not a true portrayal of what it means to be fully human and realistically dependent on other humans.

Rarely is true interdependence glorified or correctly portrayed when it comes to our shared narrative. Functional, healthy relationships rarely make great movies or compelling stories. Yet, healthy relationships really do make the very best LIVES.

Learning how to create and sustain functional, healthy relationships requires an understanding of Interdependence.

Interdependence is Distinct

Interdependence is right in the sweet spot of health. It happens when individuals are responsible for themselves, aware of themselves, yet not self-absorbed. They are also aware of others. But they are not consumed with this awareness either.

Healthy individuals consider their own needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires first (that’s psychologically healthy) but they don’t stop there. They are open to considering others and they do so with input from the other, not an assumption that they know what the other wants. Interdependence maintains respect for people as autonomous beings.

In my work with individuals and couples, we use the concepts of Whole Human Theory (TM) to describe how responsible, healthy adults show up in the world.

Our understanding of how people are made and how they move through the world are at the foundation of relationship. Seeing this accurately, understanding another deeply and accepting them unconditionally resonates as love for all of us, no matter what.

Whether someone tends towards Independence or Codependency, this foundation helps us establish a healthy relationship of interdependence.

People ask me all the time if Interdependence means they will get their needs met.

Yes, that is likely to happen. When people understand they are interconnected, the way they show up and the way they give in relationship often shifts.

And no, your partner is not here to meet your core needs or make up for all the wounding that happened before they arrived. When two people expect their partner will do such a thing, codependency can easily develop. When individuals expect a mate to provide the “core medicine” they need in order to feel desired equilibrium, wise strength, or peace, then they have wrongly assigned this job.

In fact, Whole Humans are aware of their “core medicine” aka their wants and needs and they see about providing it for themselves. They give up looking for a rescuer, or a provider, and become responsible for their own lives.

There’s no greater freedom!

And from there, they have the ability to turn towards another, share their inner worlds, and enjoy intentional true intimacy. These are the conditions for true interdependence and what many of us call Relational Joy. (Read more about Whole Human Theory (TM) HERE.)

Life was meant to be FULL of Relational Joy

But it’s impossible to have Relational Joy without Interdependence.

I know many of you think your approach to relationship is right, and hey, no one is saying otherwise. It’s not your fault that you’ve come to do relationship as you have.

It’s a combination of the way you’re made and how you move through the world, plus your examples and all that you came (very legitimately) to believe about how relationships work.

I have you covered. I love helping people with this. Even if all you want to do is chat on your 15-minute FREE consultation, let’s get one scheduled. Hit the button below to schedule a consult or a first session.

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