Infidelity Treatment Archives - Luwandi Counseling & Coaching

Why Do Men Cheat?

Why do men cheat? Let’s discuss.

There are lots of answers to that question. Not all of them are correct. Not all answers apply in a given situation. Of course, men cheat for the same reasons women cheat. But let’s also take a more nuanced look at what is going on for men in particular.

Hi. I’m a Relationship Expert, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and I have treated hundreds of men in this specialty over the past ten years. I have thorough knowledge and training in Psychology. I am qualified to diagnose and treat ALL kinds of Mental Health Disorders and I use the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, edition 5) published by the American Psychiatric Association for diagnoses.

That’s important because people can think that cheaters are just sick, demented, mentally ill, have a personality disorder, or, are unequivocally, “absolute narcissists.” I hear this a lot. It’s very trendy, in fact.

It’s very rarely the case.

The fact is that narcissism occurs in one half to six percent of the population. That range is based on research and it rings true according to my experience. In my practice, where I specialize in treating infidelity and where there’s bias for people with disorders, the lower end of that range is what I consistently see.

Just because a man is unfaithful, even if he is a “serial cheater,” does not mean he’s a narcissist or that he is sick or mentally ill in any other way.

Infidelity is a human foible, not a mental disorder.

Even if a label were accurate, it won’t actually help you navigate this.

Here’s why:

Having a partner cheat is painful. There is no doubt about that. It can throw everything into question and feel absolutely devastating. But, be careful with your theories on why he cheated. We don’t want the conclusions you reach to cause YOU more pain.

It seems easier and easier to throw a label on top of infidelity and call it good. Yet, that’s not actually helpful.

Sometimes a label or diagnosis can lend understanding and perspective. As in aha, that’s what we’re dealing with! That’s good and it’s the intention of getting a diagnosis. (An actual diagnosis from a trained professional who administers the diagnosis directly to the person). Mental health labels were never intended to be used as justification to shame another human.

But when labels are used as weapons to shame and blame, they actually end up hurting the person who applies the label. Why? It reinforces a victimhood narrative and that it a very weak position. Victim stance ultimately robs the victim of power and agency. You were acted upon versus something simply happening (or someone else choosing to hurt you) and, as a strong person, you adapted and managed reality. The latter is much more powerful.

Victimhood can soon become one’s identity! Once that’s allowed, it can be very difficult to shift. Resist this easy tendency. It will end up hurting YOU.

I wrote specifically about FOUR things you can do right now to help yourself suffer less if your partner has cheated. READ HERE

So, Why DO Men Cheat?

Well, they definitely cheat for the obvious reasons:

their marriage is unfulfilling, or stale, or boring
they’re not getting sex or validation within the marriage (which is different than boredom)
they aren’t getting the emotional attention and connection they want and crave
it makes them feel alive and attractive
they want to have (more) attention/validation/respect from someone
it’s fun!
it feels good
it’s readily available and easy to do
they feel younger, vibrant, desired
they’re selfish
they’re immature
yada yada yada

If we are honest, there are many REASONS for being unfaithful. No matter who we are.

The question is not “why would a man cheat?” but “what would keep him from cheating?” That’s much more interesting information. (I will write about affair-proofing a relationship in an article soon, I promise.)

Ultimately, the decision to be unfaithful is a unilateral decision to go outside the marital relationship (perhaps instead of working out the problems within it). As such, it DOES demonstrate selfishness, maybe immaturity, perhaps a sense of entitlement and a lack of consideration for a mate’s feelings.

So we CAN say that infidelity is ALWAYS evidence of someone being selfish. But what else can we say about it for sure?

We Cannot Draw Many Universal Conclusions About Why Men Cheat

Contributions to a man’s decision are unique to each individual and situation.

What I can tell you is that it is not your fault. You did not make that unilateral decision. He did. The relationship may not have supplied enough reasons for him not to cheat, (can you stomach that double negative?) but that does not fall entirely on your shoulders either! (Listen, with good counseling you can derive the proper amount of responsibility later; just suffice it to say, he is responsible for his actions. Period.)

There are complicating factors that lead each individual man to make the decision to cross a line, follow it up, and follow through.

I have ONE MORE insight to share and it may surprise you!

I’m not sure you’re going to like it, though. This one can be a hard truth to face. Just remember, it’s based on work with hundreds of people who have faced infidelity. Please also keep in mind that my objective here is to help.

If you CAN handle the truth, this will help because it will save you time and energy wasted in anguish. The truth is:

If Your Man Cheated and Then Married his Affair Partner…

…it’s a very strong indicator that he cheated because he was seeking LOVE. Simply put, his experience of acceptance, acknowledgement, respect, and care is greater for him within that connection than in the relationship with you. Period.

Of course this is hard to hear.

It’s also very true.

And it does not have to make sense to you. His perception and experience within your relationship can be entirely different from your experience. In fact, it IS very different from your experience and perspective. That’s because you’re both individuals and separate human beings. You don’t have to see things the way he sees them. But do listen to his ACTIONS.

If your man cheated and then married his affair partner, it’s because he wanted to continue to experience the love and acceptance he enjoys in that relationship.

It is NOT because the affair partner pressured him or made him do anything. He chose to cheat. He chose to leave. And he made the choice to commit to her. You will be better off and spend far less time agonizing if you are able to see this clearly and accept it.

Don’t Wait For Him to Regret His Choice

Rarely, and I mean very rarely will a man regret leaving a marriage partner and marrying his affair partner. This CAN happen, but only in cases where the new relationship itself is more toxic and dysfunctional than the last. Here are the specifics:

Regret happens in instances where the affair partner has a clinically diagnosable disorder that negatively affects the relationship AND when children suffer because their parents are no longer together.

Remember however, slapping on a clinical label is never a good idea. You’re probably wrong about it anyway. And, people can still navigate loving relationships while managing mental health concerns. (Pssst, it’s what I help people do all the time.) Resist the urge to label. It really only hurts YOU.

The most painful break-ups are those that include a third party. For some reason, the knowledge your mate already has someone and is choosing them over you can cut the deepest. Be careful you don’t get stuck there.

If a man makes a commitment to his new relationship, for your own sake, let go as soon and as thoroughly as possible. It sucks. I know! You are not a victim of his choices. You are the master of yours. So choose to see this truth and to accept it.

The Best Way to Recover After A Man Cheats

Knowing WHY he cheated is not as important as knowing what to do next. Thankfully there ARE things you can DO to recover.

On top of the four tips explained HERE, get some focused professional support.

Do not employ someone who allows you merely to tell the story while they validate your feelings. You need more than that. Be sure your therapist is focused on getting you relief from your pain. They ought to be able to correct you and outline exactly what you’re doing that intensifies and thereby increases your suffering. They ought to be able to give you real skills to stop doing what hurts you and teach you how to manage your pain. You should definitely experience some relief.

Women who recover together grow exponentially. That’s why, in 2016, I began a women’s group that has grown into a nationwide, online group for Strong, Smart, and Savvy Women. I call it SSS Life. If it’s still May, 2025, then enrollment is open for SSS Life, but only a little longer. Members are at all stages of their recovery and we want you to have your complete healing too. Check it out here. Then please join us.

Whether or not you already have a therapist, this group will lead you to complete recovery. It will help you make a decision about the relationship if you haven’t already. You’ll know when to trust again, and when (and how) to forgive. You’ll know how to respond in any situation that comes up, including future connections. Access to the step-by-step process and doing it with other women will bring healing just as quickly as possible. I’m really pleased and humbled that it has helped so many people. And I’d like to help you.

Of course, if you’d like to work together one on one instead, the first step is getting a FREE Consultation Call scheduled. You can use the call to ask about the group too. Let’s talk soon and get you the relief you deserve

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He Cheated even though you’re a BOSS; How did this happen?

Let’s look at a few grounding facts, shall we? After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.
Did you know that fully 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history.

He cheated even though you’re a BOSS in every great sense of the word. What happened?

First of all, beautiful boss ladies are not immune to their mates cheating. It’s not your fault. I know you’re probably asking What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? You’re probably asking if there’s something wrong in your relationship. Or… shhhhh, from time to time, you may even be wondering if there’s something wrong with you!

While these are natural questions, they are ALL the wrong questions to ask.

That’s because the answers, no matter how in-depth, do not provide helpful information you can use. If there is one thing I have learned from more than five decades of life and ten years in this specialty it is this: infidelity is complicated. But it’s not that complicated.

In addition, we all know that if you ask the wrong questions, you get the wrong information.

I wrote about how asking the right questions prevents suffering. READ MORE HERE.

Consider these facts after he cheated.

After all, you’re a smart woman and if there’s one thing I know you can appreciate, it’s factual information.

Did you know that at least 50% of committed relationships include infidelity? At least 50%. It’s common. It’s universal and it happens in ALL cultures, everywhere on the globe. It has been happening throughout ALL of human history. Yes, it’s painful. It presents a significant challenge. And…

The number one factor in its occurrence is not the character of either party involved, the nature of the committed relationship, or the sexual mores of a given society. The number one factor in its occurrence is… dun dun dun: opportunity.

That’s it.

Given opportunity, even monogamous, committed individuals will engage with people who are not their mates! In all cultures. Across human history.

Does that feel like a gut punch? Something you cannot prevent? I totally understand if it does.

There ARE ways to affair-proof your relationship and they are probably NOT the things that come to mind, (like hypervigilance, control, and demanding “rigorous honesty”). Psssst, I used to think the promise of an affair-proof relationship was complete BS, but now I know exactly how it works. I promise I’ll write about that in a future post, so please follow here or on socials and keep reading.

The stats are so high, they’re almost hard to believe. The universality is incredible! And just in case you resort to thinking “men are pigs” or that the involved woman is a nut case or worse, step back for a minute and consider just how common the experience is. For all of humanity. Everywhere. Throughout all time and cultures and even in all religions.

On top of that, if opportunity is the strongest indicator of its occurrence, maybe it really isn’t about him, or about her, about you, or about the relationship.

Facts about his cheating should provide perspective, if not comfort.

You’re not alone. Not by a long shot!

In fact, the vast majority of people have their own lived experience with infidelity.

That means they’ve been unfaithful, or had a partner be unfaithful, or had a parent or significant caregiver be unfaithful. And often, more than one of those options is true for any given individual. All three can apply to the same person. It’s not unusual.

Infidelity is a human experience. It’s almost always painful and it’s often devastating. Yet, there are ways to keep it from devastating you.

Let’s consider some insider information below.

The Industry Definition

Infidelity is all three of these at once:

a secret relationship,
emotional connection, and
sexual alchemy…

while one is in another relationship both partners agree is exclusive and committed.

If there’s no committed relationship, then it’s not infidelity at all. (But you know that!) There doesn’t have to be a lot of emotional connection. There doesn’t have to be ANY sexual engagement. But all three elements do have to be present. Let’s examine possibilities.

There could be a lot of emotional connection and no sexual activity. But if it’s a secret relationship, and there’s sexual chemistry, it’s still an affair. No need to call it an “emotional affair”; it’s infidelity.

If there’s sexual alchemy and some emotional connection but the spouse is aware and allows the connection, then it’s an open relationship. And if the open relationship nets jealous responses and affects the uninvolved partner negatively, then it’s probably a sad experience for everyone, but that’s not technically infidelity.

Read more about Infidelity Recovery HERE

He still cheated so why make these distinctions?

No matter what role individuals play, this drama is a common and time-worn one. It’s a very understandable drama. In certain circumstances, it’s even more likely than in other circumstances.

That doesn’t mean we find it acceptable or excusable. By and large, we do not. While cultures may have differing stances on infidelity, nearly ALL cultures, religions, and nationalities seriously frown on it.

Estel Perel, who talks about this at length in her work, and notably her book, Mating in Captivity, highlights how the American perspective differs from the French. There, bored spouses take a lover and DON’T blow up the nuclear family. In America, if someone is unhapppy, takes a lover and DOES blow up the family. While it’s common, seemingly easy, and readily available, in general, in America, it is always viewed negatively. And not merely by the people it may affect.

Is that because collectively, we, as Americans are the morality police? No. That’s not it. (Though some of us might be slightly more inclined that way than others.)

Where it is devalued and scandalized, it is not because hearts are wounded (although they surely can be), nor because we are so morally opposed to it, but, it is becuase, from a human evolutionary perspective, it’s destabilizing for a society. Rifts in relationships, family splits, dispersion of parentage, and scattered genetics all contribute to societal upheaval.

We frown on it because it is bad for societal stability.

Do the facts remove the pain when he cheats?

Certainly not. If he cheated, there is surely pain for you because of his choice. But the facts can provide what the wrong questions never will: real information that is useful and could even be helpful in your healing.

Even so, looking at the facts isn’t automatically soothing. It can be provocative or unsettling. It can bring up more questions.

So, what does the information bring up for you?

It’s always my aim to add something helpful. If you’d like help and support exploring the topic, answering the questions, or posing the right ones, reach out. I’d love to support you. There are things you can do to minimize suffering and get on with your healing as swiftly and completely as possible.

Let’s connect. Hit the button below and shoot me an email. We’ll follow-up and get your FREE consultation call scheduled as soon as possible. I can’t wait. You deserve some relief. Reach out.

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Revealed my infidelity: now what do I do?

“I revealed my infidelity; now what do I do?”

If you’d like to preserve the relationship, here’s the short answer: continue to apologize for what you truly regret, don’t tolerate yelling, mistreatment, or real abuse as a response from your partner, and get help from a specialist, not just a “couples counselor.”

I’ll say more about each of these things.

**Apologize. Period. And only apologize.**

Listen, the only response for you to offer is a statement of empathy to your partner. Tell the truth. Don’t apologize for things you don’t regret. Not everyone is sorry they had the experience. But nearly everyone is sorry they’ve wounded their partner. Apologize for that.

Here’s what it sounds like: “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

If your partner says, “How could you do something like this?! What were you thinking?!”…

the only appropriate response is “I am so sorry.”

If they say, “Stop apologizing! That doesn’t help!”…

you can say “All I can do is apologize. I wish I could take away the pain. I am so so sorry.”

Also, don’t follow it up by making your feelings more important than theirs. It is NOT time to say: “I feel so bad that I hurt you. I feel like crap.” Your partner feels bad right now. They feel like crap. Simply apologize for hurting them.

Once you’ve revealed infidelity, everything changes for both of you. Hang in there for a bit. If you get the right kind of help, there will be time and space for your feelings. Sharing them right now makes things worse, not better. Stay focused and simply apologize.

Remove yourself from abusive reactions

Emotions are high. That’s understandable. Revealing your infidelity has changed your relationship forever. Your partner is, rightfully, reconsidering the totality of their history with you. You’ve been living with the reality of what you’ve done each step of the way, and for some people that means they’ve been living with their own reality (including their infidelity) for a very long time.

When you reveal your infidelity, it’s devastating for the betrayed partner. This is brand new for them. Having a strong reaction is normal.

Even so, keep yourself from being abused. Remove yourself from offending behavior. It won’t help anything. And, worse, it will increase everyone’s pain and give your partner something to regret.

Handle your own emotions

On the flip side, it’s devastating for you as well. You’ve violated your own value system. You’ve kept it a secret until lately. You knew the reveal would have consequences. Yet, no matter how well you know your partner, the response is always unpredictable. There’s no way you could have prepared for what is coming at you right now. But don’t allow yourself to be abused.

Most offenders experience a healthy dose of shame when revealing their transgression. Still, that does not mean you deserve to be yelled at, physically or verbally assaulted, nor do you deserve to be slandered, have your belongings scattered, or be otherwise publicly derided.

The most effective remedy for these passionate reactions is simply to remove yourself from the behavior. For some couples, that means a self-imposed timeout or time away. Some couples prefer to stay together. Just be sure your time together remains safe so neither of you are doing more harm to one another or the relationship.

No matter what you decide, let gentleness guide you. Give yourself a break. And give your partner some grace without tolerating abuse.

Find good help once infidelity is revealed.

Lots of couples split after infidelity. Still, many, many people stay together after infidelity…with and without “help” from a counselor.

But if they settle for the standard approach to “getting over” infidelity, they can almost always expect to endure permanent, residual, relationship scarring. Couples who go this standard route, run into the same issues and similar triggers even decades later.

Most couples counselors take clients through the standard protocol of answering why this happened and what needs to happen for trust to be reestablished, then they jump into attempting to create a new relationship.

But this approach can be disastrous.

It almost always piles on more shame and anxiety for both partners.

The standard protocol just can’t address foundational issues. It doesn’t provide real healing for individual core issues. It stirs up unnecessary pain. Nothing is healed. Both partners end up feeling worse. And, even when they stay together, too many couples have missed the chance to truly heal and transform their lives.

That’s just wasteful.

Be sure to hire a couples counselor who specializes in treating infide lity.

When you invest in help, find someone who can help you take this most devastating reality of your life and lead you through a recovery process that will transform your life and relationship.

If you really want to stay together, don’t settle for less.

What not to do after you’ve revealed infidelity:

Don’t make excuses or provide justification, no matter how many questions your partner asks or how much they promise they “just need to know…”
Don’t provide information it will be difficult for your partner to forget. Don’t cooperate with an interrogation, no matter how bad you feel.
Don’t allow emotions (theirs or yours) to escalate and lead to more damage, and
Don’t keep looking for answers on the internet. Finally,
Don’t hire just a run-of-the-mill counselor to help you.

You NEED a couples counselor who knows how to help you get some relief right away, help you actually recover, and effectively resolve issues in your relationship once and for all. (More on recovery after infidelity here.)

I am not the only practitioner who knows how to help you manage your pain, do no more harm, truly heal, and use this terrible time as a perfect opportunity to transform your life and relationship.

But I have definitely never met anyone more eager or more able to help. Find out if there’s space for us to work together. If you’re willing to invest yourself in real healing, this is going to change everything.

Click the button below. Let’s get started.

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Affair Recovery is Possible

When people discover an affair or decide to come clean, they often ask “Is affair recovery even possible?”

If this is you, don’t pay attention right now to friends, family, social media, or the internet on this one. There are a million negative opinions and they all spout off without any real wisdom on the topic. Remember, you’re an adult, it’s your relationship and your life. You get to make your own decision for your situation.

And if you’re reading this, then there’s a part of you that hopes recovery after an affair really is possible.

Of course Affair Recovery is Possible

Most people don’t choose it. I’ll explain.

But first, some sobering stats: infidelity occurs in fifty percent of committed relationships. Fifty percent! It’s staggeringly common. Maybe that’s surprising, or depressing, but it’s the truth and what is means is: you’re not alone. This is a human experience. Guess what else? Fully two thirds of people STAY together after infidelity…without professional intervention.

So, what do I mean when I say most people don’t choose to recover after an affair?

I mean they don’t do the work to actually heal individually, take complete responsibility for themselves and their actions, (I’m talking both people individually- not waiting for the other person to “shape up”) and they don’t want to actually learn and practice the skills it takes to show up differently for healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

It’s work.

Humans are designed to conserve energy, to rely on coping mechanisms, and to survive. We are biological beings, after all. But we are so much more than that.

I get it. Infidelity is a heart-crushing blow. It threatens to undo everything. It’s so disorienting! It will rock your world like nothing else.

It’s understandable if work is the last thing you want right now.

We all have our natural response to a threat or crisis. Maybe you run away. (Your automatic response is “Nope. Once a cheater…”) Maybe you fight. (You argue, insult, yell, tell everyone, throw things, retaliate.) Could be you’re like me and you freeze, trying to avoid the “unpleasantness” or you prefer to pretend nothing happened and just keep moving. And maybe, like many people, you try to protect yourself by doing all the things to preserve the relationship and hope this will never happen again.

We call those four responses to threat: fight, flight, fawn, and freeze.

Yet some people choose to actually rise to the occasion.

Despite this enormous heart wound, some people really do want to recover. Fully. Not just sweep this under the rug, not merely hang on until the pain lessens a bit, not move on to the next relationship, but truly recover.

Those willing to rise to the occasion and do their work are the clients I love to serve.

The First Question to Ask

The discovery of an affair is excruciating for the betrayed partner. The disclosure of unfaithful behavior is also painful for the offender. It draws the entire relationship into question. Each person questions the character of their partner…and themselves. They ask “How could you do this?” or “How could I do this?” and “What is wrong with you?” or “What is wrong with me?”

While those are natural first questions, (and you will come up with answers) they aren’t the most helpful questions to ask. And they aren’t helpful or healthy because the information you come up with doesn’t give you anything good to work with.

The very best question is: how do I recover from this? Notice you’re not asking if the relationship can be saved or if it’s worth it. You’re asking “How do I recover from this?”

Asking the best question will lead you to discover real help. (Hi, nice to meet you.) For more on why asking the right questions matters to your brain, check this out.

Affair Recovery is Different Here

That’s because we go through a five stage process that minimizes your pain and suffering while it moves you forward. You won’t get stuck in the pain. But you will learn constructive things to do with it.

We use an approach that respects your natural response to stress while equipping you with the strength it takes to get through this tough time.

That’s why it makes no sense for you to consult friends, family, SM, or the internet for guidance right now. The loudest voices out there are probably not the ones that honor the way you’re made and how you move through the world. And you deserve that kind of individualized attention, especially right now.

How long does Affair Recovery take?

Of course you want to know if this intense suffering is going to become your new norm. Of course you want the fastest way through the worst of this.

“Experts” say it takes 2-5 years to recover after an affair. Now, they don’t mean 2-5 years in active couples therapy. At least, let’s hope not! They mean some time in couples therapy and then years on your own. That’s too long in my book. (Read more on the timeline for recovery.)

Still, with so many people attempting to “get over” this without professional help, it’s easy to see why that’s the average statistic. But it doesn’t have to take that long. At all.

We’ll get to work making the shifts that give you the most relief right away. I’ll teach you how to decrease your suffering and be sure you’re not making it worse for yourself, the other person, or the relationship.

Even if you’re not sure if the relationship is viable, YOU deserve to fully recover. Let me help. Click on the Connect button, so we can get a call scheduled within 24 hours.

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Thinking through your Solution

Most of us identify strongly with our own thinking and intelligence, so it can be natural to trust your brain to figure it all out. If you could just “get to the bottom of it” or “understand why this happened” you’d have your answer and solution, right?

Well, unfortunately, no.

Psssst, here’s a secret: there is no bottom when the question is “why?” There might be endless fascination digging up details and hypotheses and formulating opinions and articulating theories. And maybe at some point you’ll reach a kind of bottom in the form of a “conclusion you can live with.” Mostly, however, you’ve generated a pile of unkind, unhelpful, and often only-partially-true information that I like to say is basically a pile of manure- good only for fertilizing a garden.

When we’re talking about relationship trouble, this route almost always destroys relationship. And maybe that IS the solution you’re digging for.

If so, keep at it. Knock yourself out. Go at it until you wear yourself out or you come up with a story that helps you exit the relationship feeling “quite justified, indeed.”

But if your objective is saving a marriage, improving a relationship, creating a healthier family system, or maybe just being happier, then I have an alternative for you.

Thinking shapes relationship

The questions you give your brain are the ones it will keep working on. That’s why you have to give your subconscious (and your conscious mind) the right question to answer.

The best questions start with the word “how” and are driven by your deepest desires. Don’t cheat at this and try something like “how do I understand why this happened?” or “how do I get to the bottom of this?” Clever, but still not helpful. 😉

It could take some reflection and work to find your best “how” questions. Begin by listing all the things you really want. For example:

I want:

to feel seen and heard
this pain to be over
to stop having the same conflict over and over
to stop having the same conversation over and over
to get beyond this
to get back to the way we used to be
a way out of this mess
an escape from the misery
my partner to look at me with love
to be respected
to feel strong and independent
to be able to make a choice
to stop being “the bad guy”
a good marriage that feels good
more peace and satisfaction

You may have more or different desires. Notice, not a single one of them has anything to do with “why” things are the way they are.

Now, pick your top FIVE. What are the most pertinent and pressing desires right now? Which desires are most intense? Pick them and then just insert the word “how” in front of them. Here’s my example:

How can we stop having the same conflict over and over?
How can we get beyond this?
How do I make a choice I can live with long-term?
How can we experience a good marriage that feels good?
How do I experience more peace and satisfaction?

Then write those puppies down. Memorize them. Rehearse them. Have them handy anytime a “why” question pops into your thinking… and replace that “why” question with all the appropriate “how” questions.

Right question = Right answer

Here’s what happens when you start asking a question you can work with: you get answers you can work with. “How” questions are process questions and as such, the answers will suggest real action you can take. This is so much more productive than amassing a pile of manure that ends up being (mostly) negative in nature and downright unhelpful- except for fertilizing a garden, as I said. (In this metaphor, your relationship is NOT the garden.)

When you head into couples counseling or individual therapy aimed at improving how you show up in relationship, don’t let a therapist keep asking the “why” questions. In fact, fire anyone who keeps asking “why?” You need someone who will help you ask the right questions so you can get answers that actually move you forward. You want help that will actually get you somewhere instead of stuck in thinking mode.

Disclaimer

First, realize that ALL therapists are naturally interested in “why” questions. Um, hello, we all STUDY human behavior. We all PAID a significant amount of money to have an excuse to ask the “why” questions to our heart’s content. But hopefully, the therapist you employ has enough sense to know that answering the “why” questions doesn’t provide any information on how to live a better life or how to have a healthier relationship.

Secondly, no matter who you hire, don’t expect them to be your only source for answers. They’ll help. AND you will get answers from various places, sometimes unexpected sources. This doesn’t mean your therapist is not doing their job. That’s simply how the brain works. If you pose a question to your big, beautiful brain, it will keep looking for answers everywhere it collects information. You can bring that information to a good therapist and ask that they check your thinking and application.

Now you: start by listing all your heart’s desires. What do you want to experience, to have, and be in life and relationship? Then, pick your top five and turn them into “how” questions.

Need help doing this? Or need help following through on the objective these how questions bring to the surface? Let’s connect.

Shoot me an email and we will get you a FREE consultation call scheduled as soon as possible.CONNECT

After Infidelity DO this.

It’s a devastating and disorienting trauma. But what do you DO? One hundred percent of people who fully recover do this one thing. This might come as an absolute shock to you but I’ll give you this one for FREE.

What do you do after infidelity?

It’s a staggering event. A devastating trauma. And it’s devastating for BOTH partners, believe it or not.

One hundred percent of the people I’ve treated who are the Offending partner have, in fact, violated their own value system. That, in itself, is devastating and disorienting. So trust me when I say you’re both hurting.

But what do you DO?

Most people scour the interwebs, (hello and welcome!) try to figure out why this happened, uncover what’s wrong with him, which “type” of infidelity this is, try to see a couples counselor, try to get him to participate… and they use every coping skill they can muster.

You are likely no different. It is, after all, the way you found me.

Now, look, I know you have some specific ways you’ve responded to this event. Perhaps you’ve cried or screamed or kept very quiet or you’ve told his family and tried to get his best friends to talk sense to him. You’ve told him again and again how much it hurts or how illogical it is. Maybe you’ve secretly or openly checked his phone, tracked his movements. Perhaps you’ve tried to be just as sweet and loving as possible.

In short, you’ve relied on everything you could think of to deal with this and hopefully get him to shape up and see the light.

In addition, you’ve relied on all your internal natural tendencies: soothing yourself (in as many ways as possible) or distracting yourself, or moving through it by being busy, taking care of business, and taking care of others.

And there’s nothing wrong with all of that.

Except that it’s not truly helpful. And it’s not the most important thing you can do right now.

The Best Thing you can DO After Infidelity

This might come as an absolute SHOCK but it’s THE FIRST THING to do and I’ll give you this one for FREE:

Stop rehearsing the pain.

That means stop talking about it. It means stop focusing on it. Stop reliving it.

You’ve got to stop venting and telling the stories about what you uncovered, what he did, how the kids are traumatized, how you can’t believe he did this. Just stop giving voice to your anger and sadness and uncertainty.

STOP TALKING about it.

Not even to yourself.

Know why? You’re making this harder on YOU. You are cementing your pain. You’re NOT processing it. You’re making it so much WORSE. And you deserve better than that.

You’re also making it way less likely he will ever “come around” and behave the way you really want him to. After all, you are cementing the pain for him too. Even if you keep that pain to yourself and just internalize it, you are negatively affecting your relationship by rehearsing that energy and contention.

Yuck. Who wants to live like that? Even for a few days or weeks or months, much less years?!

Don’t do it. Just stop rehearsing the pain.

Simple, right? But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. But it is really important to actually DO it. I’ve seen so many people (men and women) who keep rehearsing and nursing their pain…literally for YEARS and they have still not recovered, to say nothing of the state of the relationship. Don’t let that be you!

Some of you might actually manage to stop rehearsing the pain on your own. Good for you! In fact, you might even have ways that work for truly processing the pain and allowing it to heal.

Still, I realize many of you are going to have trouble doing that on your own. Plus, I know you might need and want someone to help with that and with knowing what comes next. That’s what I’m here for. That’s why I run programs for women whose partners have cheated.

APPLY for a call. We’ll consult and see about getting you some REAL help with this first step and the next and the next.

And yes, I have very limited availability for couples and individuals for one on one sessions. CONTACT ME to see if there are openings.

Recovery Timeline after an Affair

People ask me all the time “what’s the affair recovery timeline? How long will this take?”

Of course, I know they mean a lot of different things:
how long will it hurt this bad?
can we just “go back” to before I knew?
how soon can we get him to shape up?
when will I know what’s happening with the relationship?
if we try to work it out, how long does THAT take?

Essentially, I’ve found people want (and need) three things:
1. relief from the pain (including what to do to manage the triggers)
2. clarity regarding what’s next or possible re: the relationship
3. skills for dealing with him (since no matter what, most people will have some kind of relationship and interaction)

The tricky, truthful thing is if you handle this the wrong way -and that’s the way most of us handle it even with the “help” of a counselor-

you can make this take sooooo much longer.

Why?

Because our natural tendencies actually work against us when we face trauma. And this IS a relational trauma.

Our natural tendencies are ingrained coping mechanisms we’ve been using with fairly good outcomes nearly ALL of our lives. We stick with them because they work!

In fact, this is probably the first time your natural tendencies are really biting you in the butt. And hard.

Look, those coping mechanisms are SKILLS that helped you get this far. Brava! You’ve done well. They were adaptive and highly intelligent skills. Good job.

And right now, they are probably not helping you truly deal with this. Maybe they are “coming in handy” because they help you feel “justified” or reasonable or you’re successfully distracted. Maybe those same coping skills helped you “get over” a previous betrayal or “move beyond” other questionable behavior.

But, in fact, those same adaptations are maladaptive now, meaning they don’t fit this current situation in a way that helps you.

And if we don’t address YOUR coping mechanisms, YOU won’t truly get your recovery. You WILL still be dealing with and feeling the hurt literally YEARS from now.

Here’s what conventional treatment does:

It treats the affair. Diagnoses what type of affair it is and sets a protocol for how he should behave.
Then they invite him to couples counseling but boot him out if:

1. he can’t decide what he wants (or you can’t decide)
2. he doesn’t agree to the highest order of transparency
3. the affair is still ongoing or there’s another “contact” or lie

Did you get that? Most counselors and Affair Recovery programs boot you out at the most painful time. When you actually need help the most!

It’s because the conventional approach was only designed to serve the most motivated (invested, committed) clients who “cooperate” with the protocol. Then, if he won’t “cooperate,” they get kicked out. Or she stays in therapy and works on how to get him back into therapy or how to “cope” with his refusal.

In fact, that thinking is so prevalent we all think it’s the RIGHT way to get through this. You find this everywhere on the internet!

Just get him to therapy and if he doesn’t cooperate, well, then, he had his chance.

Would you like a REAL statistic on how often that actually works? About 5% of the time. About 5% of the time, he wants to go to counseling, knows he wants to stay in the marriage and “work things out” or he’s willing to complete an online program, actually follows through with it, and he never has contact with the Affair Partner ever again. He keeps showing up, being responsible for his actions, and becomes a better person and husband without wrinkle or snag.

You have my official permission to keep hoping your guy is one of the five percent. Not great odds.

But even if he is, YOU still need complete healing and recovery. You know this or you wouldn’t be here reading right now. And I know you’re trying. You’re searching and researching. You’re hoping and praying, looking for an answer. And you’re wasting a lot of time and energy relying on those natural tendencies.

Here’s what actually works:

treating the people.

We take a look at how you are made, how you move through the world, and exactly how you are coping. Then I help you do what is actually helpful for you. We focus on what will get you through this as quickly as possible and with the least amount of pain.

And yes, we start with you. Believe it or not, what happens next in the relationship and your life actually depends on YOU, not him. The conventional approach will encourage you to believe otherwise. Nothing could be further from the truth.

That’s REALLY GOOD NEWS! You don’t have to wait for him to do the right thing. You don’t have to live in limbo wondering what’s going to happen in relationship. Your heart and your life don’t need to be in his hands… especially after he’s been so careless with it.

YES, you CAN step up and take charge of your own life without kicking him to the curb. That’s exactly what I help women like you do all the time. So that YOU can truly recover and heal after his betrayal.

If you’re ready for a solution that will actually serve you for the rest of your life, APPLY for a call. We’ll consult and see about getting you some REAL help.