Letting Go; tips to help you do it

Letting go gets recommended a lot, by well-meaning individuals, by healing professionals, and by growth-minded communities.

“Just let it go.”

“You’ll feel better if you just let that go.”

“Let Go and Let God.”

Learning to let go is super important. In fact, having this skill firmly in hand is key to your growth. Still, many people struggle with it. They may say things to themselves like:

“I know I really need to let go, but…I’m not sure I’m ready to let go.”

“Do I want to let this go?”

“I can’t let this go.”

A hidden belief often reinforces such a stance. People have ideas about what should happen… if they just hold on tight! Or some fear about what might happen if they simply let go. Then there’s the talk about how hard it is to do. In fact:

Letting go is easy.

I often say to clients: “it’s only hard until it isn’t. It only feels hard. When you turn the corner, it’s super easy.” In fact, many things about being healthier are really, really simple. That doesn’t always mean it’s easy. But when it become easy, it’s super easy!

Letting go is one of the easiest things you will ever do.

It’s kind of counterintuitive because DOING it is all about NOT doing something else.

Don’t hold onto that. Don’t worry about that. Don’t let that take up your time, energy, and brain space.

But how, you ask?

These Tips will Help in Letting Go Intentionally

Once you realize and target the thing you fear will happen if you let go, or the thing you think you’re preventing by hanging on, it’s actually very simple.

Possible negative beliefs might be: If I let it go, he’ll get away with it; she’ll keep behaving like that; the kids won’t understand how awful he really is; people will judge me instead of her, or him, or them. If I let go, it means I never cared. If I hang on real tight, I can change the outcome.

Things we believe can drive us, even subconsciously, so if one of the above hits a nerve or you have a response like “well, that’s right! It’s not a negative belief” you may have just discovered your negative belief. (Psssst, none of the above statements are true.) If you need help getting to the bottom of your belief, any really good therapist can help with that. (I volunteer.)

Here’s a little exercise you can try in order to uncover it yourself:

Take a stab at what you think might happen if you let go, or what you’re preventing by holding on so tight. Write it down.

Then ask yourself, “so then what?” Write your response and do it again.

So, then what? Write your response, then ask again: so, then what?

Ask this until you get to the bottom and origin belief underneath all of it. That’s your driving negative belief.

Here’s a common example from my work with clients

If I let go of this resentment, it means I’m condoning his bad behavior. So then what?

If I condone his bad behavior, then it means what he did doesn’t matter. So then what?

If what he does doesn’t matter, does my pain matter? So then what?

If my pain doesn’t matter, do I even matter? So then what?

I can’t let go of this resentment or it means I don’t matter!

Don’t feel like doing that? Or don’t know what to do once you get to the bottom?

Try these:

1. Take a deep breath

Make it really deep. Now, let it out even more slowly than your inhale. Do this at least three times.

You don’t need to think about anything while you do this or focus on anything particular. But, if after three deep inhales and slow exhales, you can focus like this:

On the inhale, focus on the “worry” or the thing you’re holding onto.
On the exhale, breathe out the “worry” along with the air.

Do it more than once if you need to. Do it as often as the “worry” pops back up.

2. Practice the Existential Process

This is a method I teach clients so they can use it both in and out of session. It goes like this:

Identify reality as if it is a thing we could all agree on if it were posted on a marquee or banner. This is not interpretive. It’s just the facts, ma’am.

Let that wave of reality wash over you. We do physical gestures where one fist is a rock, the other hand is the wave of reality washing over the rock. Actually make the gesture; it’s not hokey, physical movement helps underscore new perceptions.

Then, “come to neutral.” Resist evaluating something as either good or bad. You’re neither condoning nor giving any energy to what should not be.

Take a nice exhale and relax.

I’m not foolish; I know it can be difficult to let go.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see when something is actually doing us harm. When we hang onto resentments, past wounds, old traumas, and negative thinking, it can feel as if we’re protecting ourselves. Sometimes we can think we’re “holding others accountable”. But we’re really just wasting our own energy. And that is a real waste of life!

As a result, it means we’re doing at least as much harm to ourselves as the original “worry” we’re hanging onto.

If it is difficult, get some support. Make sure you’re not resisting the wrong thing and inadvertently just adding more tension in your relationship with your particular “worry”. Pssst, your well-meaning friends are NOT a good source for this kind of support.

Employ a skilled therapist who can aid you in letting go of the right things and help you pay attention to the important things. You should not have to figure this out on your own.

Bottom line, the good news is that letting go is an easy skill you CAN develop with the right focus and guidance. Don’t waste more precious time and energy increasing your pain. Reach out and let me help. Let’s schedule a call to discuss ways we can work together.

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Affair Recovery Tips; Don’t Suffer More

“Affair Recovery Tips” might sound like a shallow promise, but now more than ever, it’s important that you do not increase your own suffering. You’re probably doing some things that increase and intensify your pain without even realizing it. More than me telling you to STOP DOING THAT, here’s what to do instead:

Affair Recovery Tip Number ONE: Ask the right questions.

You’re probably obsessed with the wrong ones. What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? What on earth does he/she see in the affair partner? Or what happened? How could this happen to us? How did we get here? What kind of a person does this to their mate?! How did I not know?! Maybe you’re even asking: what is wrong with me that I let this happen?!

Of course, you have those questions. Those questions are a logical, natural response. Just try to loosen your grip on them because the answers simply will NOT help. In fact, spending time asking them (in your mind or of your mate) will help you get stuck there. And wasting time on those questions will absolutely increase and intensify your suffering.

That’s because your brain WILL answer the questions you give it. I wrote more about how the brain works finding answers and why it’s important to ask the right questions in this previous article.

Simply put, if you’re asking what is wrong (with him, her, the marriage, you) then THOSE are the questions you’ll get answers for. And there’s plenty wrong with everyone and everything if that’s what your brain is on a mission to find. It can be quite endless, actually, but most importantly, it just won’t help.

In fact, it hurts. Primarily it hurts YOU by intensifying your pain and negative perspective. If you have any hope of saving the relationship, this approach will make it even harder to work things out. Most importantly, it prolongs your suffering and keeps your brain spinning on seeking information that won’t help you recover.

If you hope to recover after an affair, do this:

More than trying to STOP those recurring questions, CONSTRUCT better, more helpful ones. Here’s how:

Start with the most important longing right now. Is it to decrease your pain? Be able to concentrate? Be able to trust again? Get through this? Return to a happier time? Interact without getting triggered?

Even if your heart’s longing seems WAY far off right now, use it to form a more helpful question by putting a “how” in front of it.

How can I decrease my pain? How can I concentrate today? How will I be able to trust again? How can I get through this? How do we get through this? How can I return to a happier time? How do I manage my triggers?

Guess what? All of those things are actually productive questions. The answers to those questions (which your brain will seek answers to at every turn) will give you some productive, helpful information you can act on.

And don’t worry, you WILL find answers to those questions. You have to. It’s how your brain works.

Every time you notice yourself asking one of the first questions, gently notice and replace it with one of your helpful how questions.

Here’s an example of how this works:

You think “how could he have done this to me?!” You notice and think, “ahh, that’s not helpful. Hmmm, what can I ask instead?” It may take a minute, but you CAN replace that unhelpful question with something better. Maybe it’s as simple as “how do I stop obsessing about his motives?” Maybe it’s as big a shift as “How do I get back to feeling confident?”

The right questions ARE helpful and you will get answers, ideas, and insights from a variety of sources. That’s how your brain works. When you ask the right questions, you get useful information that will actually help you recover.

Affair Recovery Tip Number TWO: Stop rehearsing your pain.

That’s what I call it when you can’t stop telling the story. You talk through it again and again. Maybe you’re on the phone or can’t stay focused on a task at work or while you’re out socially and the topic reverts to the story of the betrayal. Maybe you mention it lightly in conversation, even to complete strangers. If you don’t nip this in the bud, the betrayal can become your identity. Don’t let that happen.

Look, it’s natural to want everyone to know what a complete cad he is, how terrible “they” are, and how very wronged you’ve been. It just isn’t helpful for your recovery. Right now, while you’re navigating your own pain, don’t ADD to it by rehearsing, reinforcing, and repeating the story of your pain.

This INCLUDES doing this in therapy. Time, energy, and money spent getting help from a professional ought to bring you actual relief. Your therapist ought to help you learn how to manage the pain and stress of betrayal, not make it worse for you by allowing you to reinforce the pain of this thing that has happened. If you have a therapist who allows this, ask for skills to cope. If they don’t respond by providing them, find a new therapist, one who specializes in affair recovery.

Does all this mean you ignore the reality? No. It means you recognize when you are reiterating the same unhelpful narrative. Notice and gently adjust your focus. That brings me to…

Affair Recovery Tip Number THREE: Focus on YOUR healing.

You need and deserve some TLC after a partner cheats. That means real tender, loving care, not necessarily indulgence. I won’t preach against using alcohol or ice-cream to soothe a terrible day, but remember what will actually help.

If you’re not sure what that is, start with this exercise: ask yourself what you already do that brings you joy? (or have EVER done historically) If joy is a reach, ask yourself what you do (or have ever done) that helps you feel strong, confident, productive, successful, alive, vibrant? Seriously, make a list. Write it down. Then make a plan for DOING more of those things on a regular, daily basis.

If you have a tough time with your list, enlist the help of a trusted friend who knows you well. You can ask, “when have you seen me at my best?” Or “when do you think I’ve been happiest?” Or even “what do you think are my greatest strengths?”

At a time when a partner cheats, you’ll benefit from positive input about YOU (not negative input about HIM) so go ahead and seek this from a trusted friend.

Take the information you receive as the starting point for coming up with those things you can DO that help you focus on your own recovery. Then DO them. Regularly.

Finally, Embrace this Time as a Chance to Heal

I know that may sound strange. But this truly is an opportunity to shake up your life, to replace anything that is not serving you, and to go ahead and live full out. No one expects you to get there right now, but keep that end-goal in mind as your objective and you absolutely WILL get there.

Human beings were made to heal. We are powerful, resilient, and adaptable.

Remember, “Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” All humans get wounded in this life. Literally, every single one of us. (If we make it out without some wounding, have we really even lived?!) And yes, having a partner cheat is definitely a whopper of a wound.

Even though it is the most pressing one right now, that wound is probably not the only one you’ve weathered in your life. Maybe you’ve limped along or survived and done pretty well despite what you’ve lived through. Good work! Let this wound be your opportunity to absolutely THRIVE from here on out.

How? Well, start by minimizing your suffering with the above tips. And of course, if you need help and support in that endeavor, find an excellent therapist, not just a good one. Find one who won’t let you sit in your wounded-ness, won’t let you ask the wrong questions, and won’t let you rehearse your pain.

Don’t have an excellent therapist? I volunteer. I’d love to help. Get on my call schedule and let’s get started. I’ll let you know exactly how this works.

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How to Recover after Infidelity

Being the Best Client During Treatment

How you recover after infidelity depends almost entirely on being the right kind of client during treatment. I’ll explain what I mean.

This quote applies: “Your wound is probably not your fault; but your healing is your responsibility.”

Especially after infidelity, this concept can be a tough one to grasp. But it’s true for BOTH of you, no matter if you’re the offender or the betrayed partner. Recovery is going to require that you take responsibility for your own healing.

Do this to Recover after Infidelity

Taking responsibility for your own healing is the FIRST step toward growth.

It means you stop blaming other people or expecting them to change.

Take a minute right now and think of your own situation. In what ways have you been hoping, maybe for years, that your partner would change, do things differently, think differently, even treat you differently? What ways do you think they want YOU to change and do things differently or treat them differently?

It might sound strange coming from a therapist, but expecting change is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

I know it especially sounds strange to say this is an unrealistic expectation when INFIDELITY has been revealed. It sounds counterintuitive, right? But changing the other person is the LAST thing you want to focus on right now.

Number One Reason to Focus on Yourself

If you’ve discovered a partner has betrayed you, focusing on them and waiting for them to “do the right thing” or to respond the “right way” is a waste of your time and energy for a number of reasons:

First, your idea of how they should respond is not the point. Expecting other people to be a certain way was never reasonable or healthy for your relationship. Expectations are different from having “standards.” Of course you ought to have personal standards for what you experience in relationship. And yes, infidelity probably doesn’t meet that standard at all. But having expectations is destructive to any relationship and it will disappoint you every time.

Secondly, it rarely (if ever) works to wait for the other person to do the “right thing”. No matter which side of the infidelity equation you’re on (offender or betrayed) actually getting another human to behave “correctly” (aka how you want them to behave) doesn’t ever work. You cannot control another human being. And if you’re hoping to influence, coerce, or manipulate them, that’s just a really unhealthy relationship tactic.

Besides, trying to get someone else to “do the right thing” takes a tremendous amount of energy. That’s energy you can focus toward something you can succeed at: doing your own healing.

But the number one reason to take complete responsibility for your self and your own healing is because it’s empowering to do so. There’s no reason on the planet you should be giving your power (your agency, your energy, your strength) to someone else. And especially you should not be giving it away when you’ve experienced a disorienting and painful heart wound like infidelity. You need that agency, energy, and strength to focus on actually healing.

If you’re going to Recover After Infidelity

Get specialized help that does NOT focus on answering why this happened and what’s wrong with the relationship. Truly helpful therapists will invite you to focus on taking responsibility for yourself. Especially in the context of couples counseling. They’ll provide effective methods- things you’ll practice in and between sessions and cognitive adjustments you can make during session and regular life- to help you weather your own pain, prevent further damage, stay focused on your actions, and allow your heart to heal.

Recovery after infidelity is not about skipping ahead and trying to make the relationship better.

So often, if that “college try” doesn’t pan out, people call it quits, invite an additional wave of upheaval and pain when they end the relationship, then feel quite justified that at least they “made an effort.”

In truth, if they’d gotten the right support to recover after infidelity, including the right approach to real healing, they’d have saved themselves a ton of suffering…and probably the relationship.

Moving on without real Recovery

Moving on is not real recovery. It doesn’t heal the wound. Yet, people do it all the time. They might even stay together.

But when there’s not real recovery and the wound is not actually healed, it affects people for the rest of their lives. A scar forms. Things change forever. After all, trust IS difficult to repair. The offender cannot make up for the transgression. The betrayed partner can’t seem to “get over” the transgression.

It either affects this current relationship for the rest of life or it affects the next one (when people are “brave” enough to try again.) Maybe, after spending time, energy, and money seeking counseling, people part ways and give up on committed relationship altogether, “content” to focus on platonic friendships for the rest of life.

No matter how you slice it, it’s still a mess.

Ready to Recover After Infidelity

Maybe you didn’t expect this enormous pain. You probably could not have imagined this would happen. Maybe you can’t believe you “did this” or “let it happen.”

Of course, ultimately the offender made a choice to go outside the relationship. No matter what, BOTH of you are in pain and the choice to truly heal lies with YOU alone, not your partner.

Remember “the wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.”

The key is to be the best kind of client, ready to do your work.

Show up to couples counseling ready to be responsible for yourself. That’s the first, most important hurdle right now. Trust me, if you can do that, you are going to recover completely. And you will do it much more quickly than the usual timeline suggests.

And if it’s hard for your to do this, I can help with that too.

I invite clients to recover after infidelity in a way that serves them for the rest of life, no matter what happens to the relationship. We look at what it means for you to fully function as a whole human being. Taking responsibility for yourself- especially now- is the first step toward freedom.

Soon you’ll be able to show up in a healthy, happy state and engage in and enjoy loving relationship. It’s your birthright. I’ll show you how to get there.

Reach out below and let’s schedule a consultation call.

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After Infidelity DO this.

It’s a devastating and disorienting trauma. But what do you DO? One hundred percent of people who fully recover do this one thing. This might come as an absolute shock to you but I’ll give you this one for FREE.

What do you do after infidelity?

It’s a staggering event. A devastating trauma. And it’s devastating for BOTH partners, believe it or not.

One hundred percent of the people I’ve treated who are the Offending partner have, in fact, violated their own value system. That, in itself, is devastating and disorienting. So trust me when I say you’re both hurting.

But what do you DO?

Most people scour the interwebs, (hello and welcome!) try to figure out why this happened, uncover what’s wrong with him, which “type” of infidelity this is, try to see a couples counselor, try to get him to participate… and they use every coping skill they can muster.

You are likely no different. It is, after all, the way you found me.

Now, look, I know you have some specific ways you’ve responded to this event. Perhaps you’ve cried or screamed or kept very quiet or you’ve told his family and tried to get his best friends to talk sense to him. You’ve told him again and again how much it hurts or how illogical it is. Maybe you’ve secretly or openly checked his phone, tracked his movements. Perhaps you’ve tried to be just as sweet and loving as possible.

In short, you’ve relied on everything you could think of to deal with this and hopefully get him to shape up and see the light.

In addition, you’ve relied on all your internal natural tendencies: soothing yourself (in as many ways as possible) or distracting yourself, or moving through it by being busy, taking care of business, and taking care of others.

And there’s nothing wrong with all of that.

Except that it’s not truly helpful. And it’s not the most important thing you can do right now.

The Best Thing you can DO After Infidelity

This might come as an absolute SHOCK but it’s THE FIRST THING to do and I’ll give you this one for FREE:

Stop rehearsing the pain.

That means stop talking about it. It means stop focusing on it. Stop reliving it.

You’ve got to stop venting and telling the stories about what you uncovered, what he did, how the kids are traumatized, how you can’t believe he did this. Just stop giving voice to your anger and sadness and uncertainty.

STOP TALKING about it.

Not even to yourself.

Know why? You’re making this harder on YOU. You are cementing your pain. You’re NOT processing it. You’re making it so much WORSE. And you deserve better than that.

You’re also making it way less likely he will ever “come around” and behave the way you really want him to. After all, you are cementing the pain for him too. Even if you keep that pain to yourself and just internalize it, you are negatively affecting your relationship by rehearsing that energy and contention.

Yuck. Who wants to live like that? Even for a few days or weeks or months, much less years?!

Don’t do it. Just stop rehearsing the pain.

Simple, right? But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. But it is really important to actually DO it. I’ve seen so many people (men and women) who keep rehearsing and nursing their pain…literally for YEARS and they have still not recovered, to say nothing of the state of the relationship. Don’t let that be you!

Some of you might actually manage to stop rehearsing the pain on your own. Good for you! In fact, you might even have ways that work for truly processing the pain and allowing it to heal.

Still, I realize many of you are going to have trouble doing that on your own. Plus, I know you might need and want someone to help with that and with knowing what comes next. That’s what I’m here for. That’s why I run programs for women whose partners have cheated.

APPLY for a call. We’ll consult and see about getting you some REAL help with this first step and the next and the next.

And yes, I have very limited availability for couples and individuals for one on one sessions. CONTACT ME to see if there are openings.

Recovery Timeline after an Affair

People ask me all the time “what’s the affair recovery timeline? How long will this take?”

Of course, I know they mean a lot of different things:
how long will it hurt this bad?
can we just “go back” to before I knew?
how soon can we get him to shape up?
when will I know what’s happening with the relationship?
if we try to work it out, how long does THAT take?

Essentially, I’ve found people want (and need) three things:
1. relief from the pain (including what to do to manage the triggers)
2. clarity regarding what’s next or possible re: the relationship
3. skills for dealing with him (since no matter what, most people will have some kind of relationship and interaction)

The tricky, truthful thing is if you handle this the wrong way -and that’s the way most of us handle it even with the “help” of a counselor-

you can make this take sooooo much longer.

Why?

Because our natural tendencies actually work against us when we face trauma. And this IS a relational trauma.

Our natural tendencies are ingrained coping mechanisms we’ve been using with fairly good outcomes nearly ALL of our lives. We stick with them because they work!

In fact, this is probably the first time your natural tendencies are really biting you in the butt. And hard.

Look, those coping mechanisms are SKILLS that helped you get this far. Brava! You’ve done well. They were adaptive and highly intelligent skills. Good job.

And right now, they are probably not helping you truly deal with this. Maybe they are “coming in handy” because they help you feel “justified” or reasonable or you’re successfully distracted. Maybe those same coping skills helped you “get over” a previous betrayal or “move beyond” other questionable behavior.

But, in fact, those same adaptations are maladaptive now, meaning they don’t fit this current situation in a way that helps you.

And if we don’t address YOUR coping mechanisms, YOU won’t truly get your recovery. You WILL still be dealing with and feeling the hurt literally YEARS from now.

Here’s what conventional treatment does:

It treats the affair. Diagnoses what type of affair it is and sets a protocol for how he should behave.
Then they invite him to couples counseling but boot him out if:

1. he can’t decide what he wants (or you can’t decide)
2. he doesn’t agree to the highest order of transparency
3. the affair is still ongoing or there’s another “contact” or lie

Did you get that? Most counselors and Affair Recovery programs boot you out at the most painful time. When you actually need help the most!

It’s because the conventional approach was only designed to serve the most motivated (invested, committed) clients who “cooperate” with the protocol. Then, if he won’t “cooperate,” they get kicked out. Or she stays in therapy and works on how to get him back into therapy or how to “cope” with his refusal.

In fact, that thinking is so prevalent we all think it’s the RIGHT way to get through this. You find this everywhere on the internet!

Just get him to therapy and if he doesn’t cooperate, well, then, he had his chance.

Would you like a REAL statistic on how often that actually works? About 5% of the time. About 5% of the time, he wants to go to counseling, knows he wants to stay in the marriage and “work things out” or he’s willing to complete an online program, actually follows through with it, and he never has contact with the Affair Partner ever again. He keeps showing up, being responsible for his actions, and becomes a better person and husband without wrinkle or snag.

You have my official permission to keep hoping your guy is one of the five percent. Not great odds.

But even if he is, YOU still need complete healing and recovery. You know this or you wouldn’t be here reading right now. And I know you’re trying. You’re searching and researching. You’re hoping and praying, looking for an answer. And you’re wasting a lot of time and energy relying on those natural tendencies.

Here’s what actually works:

treating the people.

We take a look at how you are made, how you move through the world, and exactly how you are coping. Then I help you do what is actually helpful for you. We focus on what will get you through this as quickly as possible and with the least amount of pain.

And yes, we start with you. Believe it or not, what happens next in the relationship and your life actually depends on YOU, not him. The conventional approach will encourage you to believe otherwise. Nothing could be further from the truth.

That’s REALLY GOOD NEWS! You don’t have to wait for him to do the right thing. You don’t have to live in limbo wondering what’s going to happen in relationship. Your heart and your life don’t need to be in his hands… especially after he’s been so careless with it.

YES, you CAN step up and take charge of your own life without kicking him to the curb. That’s exactly what I help women like you do all the time. So that YOU can truly recover and heal after his betrayal.

If you’re ready for a solution that will actually serve you for the rest of your life, APPLY for a call. We’ll consult and see about getting you some REAL help.

Affair Recovery

Affair recovery takes more than time and intention. It takes the right approach.

First of all, don’t worry. You are normal. Whether you are the Betrayed or the Offender, I want you to know the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing right now are normal. This is the most painful thing that happens between individuals in an intimate relationship. It sucks! And it results in some unprecedented thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

Both of you are in a world of pain; maybe in different ways, but you are each suffering.

While everything you’re experiencing and all the ways you’re trying to cope right now are normal, not all of them are helpful. It’s okay. That’s not your fault. Most natural responses when infidelity occurs, though common and understandable, cause more pain. To you. To your partner. And to the relationship.

You can make this worse. Much worse. You can actually do things to increase the intensity and length of the pain. But you don’t have to.

Affair Recovery Includes Three BIG things

Pain Management

No matter what, you need a way to manage your pain, your triggers, and feelings. The flavor of your pain makes a difference in how you manage it.

Some people are SO angry, they can’t see straight. The rage and hurt just bubble up and completely hijack their ability to concentrate, think rationally, or do anything productive (for themselves or for the relationship.) The question “how could you?” repeats.

For the offender, the ire of accusation, or the repetition of your partner’s response can feel heavy. You wonder how you will ever live having this thrown in your face again and again. As much as you know they are hurt, you just can’t handle hearing about it all the time.

Often, this much anger fuels high conflict between partners. The feelings are real and they may be justified, but mismanaging them leads to prolonged pain and suffering.

Some people have so much anxiety, they can’t sleep. Thoughts intrude. Maybe vivid imaginations interrupt peaceful thinking. Maybe you analyze your partner’s every move or facial expression. The question “why did this happen?” or “what is going to happen next?” keeps you up at night. You just want to hear something definitive from your partner about their commitment to the relationship. And if they can’t do that, well then, you just cannot live in limbo like this forever.

Don’t worry; you don’t have to jump ship just yet. And you don’t have to suffer in limbo either.

Still other people get swallowed up by shame. Offender or Betrayed partner, the intensity of the shame can be overwhelming. It can produce what Brené Brown calls a “shame storm,” a swirling vortex of feeling worthless. Most people have no idea how to get out of it and they either flirt with deep depression or struggle, teetering back and forth with their self-worth.

You’re in a storm all right. Like wandering in a blizzard, you’ll think you’re headed in the right direction, but it could lead to your peril. You or the relationship could freeze to death in the meantime.

Start with SKILLS

to help you manage your pain so that you are not bringing all that pain to your partner. Or your life. You don’t want the pain interfering with your daily life, or messing up your sleep. You don’t want your pain to get in the way of what you really want to experience in the relationship: empathy, feeling heard and understood, being seen accurately.

We don’t want mismanagement of your pain to cause more pain!

That just clouds judgment. First, you must find real skills that help you manage the pain so you can move forward. Next, you are going to need clarity in order to make your way through this.

Clarity for Affair Recovery

Make no mistake: ambivalence is PAINFUL. And since it’s a type of pain, you also need skills to help you manage it. Many people run from uncertainty instead of facing the issues correctly. They think anything is better than not knowing, so they try to force a decision, thinking that’s a solution. But they end up where they don’t want to be: in more pain, either because they’re out of the relationship or in more pain because they’re still in the relationship but nothing’s better. In fact, it’s probably worse.

It’s not a solution.

You have got to have a method that helps you clarify exactly what you truly want. You’re making decisions right now that affect the rest of your life. You also probably have family who will be affected by your choices forever, even for generations. This is no time to get it wrong.

It’s also no time to GET STUCK.

You need to clear the mental chatter and know what you want. You can’t just magically “figure it out” or analyze this to death and then decide. Lots of people try this and it just keeps them spinning and thinking and analyzing and wondering and in pain, sometimes for years.

You also cannot wait for your partner to decide or to “do the right thing.” This kind of waiting can be a ticking time bomb, a grenade that is likely to misfire and go off in your hands. This is YOUR life, so start there and don’t allow your partner to help you make this decision by default. It’s time to be proactive, not passive. And proactive in a way that actually helps.

Start Here:

Give yourself permission to consider exactly the kind of life and relationship you want. What is it you truly desire and value? What means the most to you? When you think of the kind of relationship you long for, how do you want to feel? What do you want to experience? Write it down. And let it be about what you want, not what you want from this current mate.

Some people spend so much time asking if the life they want is possible with the partner they married. And guess what? That’s not the right question to ask. Not only is it the wrong question, this is the wrong time to ask it, because given the recent history, you’d be hard-pressed to actually want the relationship you currently have. Am I right?

In fact, a more important question might be how you can heal from this. If you’ve read my book Healing for the Offender, heard me speak, or read other articles, you’ve heard me say that how questions will get you further than what or why questions.

How questions are focused on process and their answers will help you know what to DO. Getting that right is crucial, now more than ever. You absolutely need…

Right Action

There must be a way to interact and talk about this that HELPS and doesn’t do more damage.

Many trained professionals (the vast majority in fact) will help you analyze the cause and nature of this affair. They’ll prescribe a complete cut-off with the Affair Partner, even before they will agree to see the two of you together. Even so-called “Affair Recovery Specialists” will encourage you to make a list of all the ways your trust has been violated and come up with a Highest Transparency Agreement. They’ll do a disclosure session where the Betrayed can ask anything and the Offender MUST tell the truth.

Sounds comforting on the surface, right? And yet it SOLVES exactly nothing between the two of you.

It does more damage. It intensifies resentments. In fact, it makes it ten times more likely you’ll divorce. Or, if you stay together, you’ll be even more miserable.

Individual sessions are even less help. Don’t pay good money to anyone who allows you to vent, diagnose, or otherwise complain about your partner. You can do that with your friends (if you want) but even that is just going to MULTIPLY your suffering.

Don’t get me wrong. I know people mean well. I know you’re trying desperately to DO the right thing. And you’re doing the thing that makes sense to you. Plus, there is an overabundance of these same directives ALL over the internet. So, really, it’s not your fault.

It’s just not helpful.

Start Here:

Commit to being responsible for your own triggers. Don’t expect yourself to engage in any kind of meaningful communication when you’re triggered. Just don’t do it. That never goes well, does it?

You know better than to try to reason with a drunk person, right? When people are triggered, they are every bit as altered. Including you.

Go away. Tend to the trigger and pain. (Use skills for tending your pain that you’ve developed in the first step.)

When you are CALM, come back to interaction.

I have a whole communication framework I teach people called Clean, Non-Blaming Communication (TM). We use it during Affair Recovery.

In truth, it’s so much simpler than the convoluted way most people go about “talking things out.” There’s no perspective arguing. There’s no need for defensiveness. It gets right to the heart of the conversation. It delivers the good stuff: connection, empathy, and mutual understanding when you practice it.

It’s NOT Complicated. In fact, every single part of this is simple.

Affair Recovery is Simple

That does not mean it’s easy. But I’ll tell you another little secret: it’s only seems hard until it’s easy. And that does not have to take a long time. It just takes the right attention and effort.

Don’t worry; you don’t have to do any of this perfectly. The important thing is that you drop what cannot help and do what IS effective.

I help people with this all the time. If you want to work with me and have the steps laid out for you in an easy-to-follow manner, reach out. Whether you alone are invested in Affair Recovery or both of you are interested, I have options for you.

You deserve good help. For see about working in sessions with me:

CONNECT

Are you a Woman recovering after a partner cheated?

The Infidelity Recovery Fast Track is just for you. The program includes all the right steps for you to take now to alleviate your pain, get clarity regarding the relationship (what is possible? is it salvageable? what do you truly want?) and the skills you need to interact with him (now and into the future.) You deserve to completely recover. This is your answer.

Taming Required

The fox says, “tame me” in Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s famous children’s tale titled The Little Prince.

If you haven’t read it, you must. It’s full of those not-really-just-for-children moments when it so gracefully teaches us how to live as adults. I’ve never gotten through it without a lump in my throat, outright anguish sometimes. Tears? Why yes, of course. (Because I am that kind of reader. Not everyone is or needs to be to get the benefit. Don’t judge my soft heart.)

You’ll find the fox and his system of taming in the final third of the book, just when the Little Prince is ready to understand the utter value of his one true love, a rose he’s cared for on his little home planet. On his travels all throughout the book, he misses his rose. He worries about her. He ruffles at the thought of her vanity, her ego. He struggles to understand her.

Enter the fox. He shyly invites the Little Prince into a process of “taming.” That process and their relationship become a rich metaphor for us to understand both the great value in loving and the great risk of loss inherent in the process. It emphasizes the necessity of taming, returning at an anticipated time, getting a little closer each time, maintaining a safe experience for both, and celebrating together.

Given my sensibilities, I cry every time when the two- after sweet taming, connection, sharing, play, and joy – must “lose” one another. Yet, it’s still my favorite part. Is it any wonder I work in the specialties of Love and Loss?

You can’t have one without the other, try as we might. No matter what.

The acknowledgement that love and loss are married seems a prerequisite to ALL willingness toward taming. And what is taming, after all, if not those tender steps forward and back which we all experience in our lives and in every type of relationship? Even so, some of us want to skip the process. We want to know. We want a guarantee. We want security. We want to insulate ourselves against the inevitable. We want, essentially, to avoid the loss.

And that’s just not possible.

In fact, it’s not even good or healthy.

Know what is healthy? Realizing that life is both beautiful and short. Plus realizing that, while life is short, love is not. The Little Prince comes to realize he is carrying his love for his rose with him and that he will carry it forever even though she will not last forever. Though she is unique in all the world, she’s a rose, after all. And she’s special to him because he loves her and he has taken the time to tame her even though he did not understand what he was doing. It took his experience with that sly, lovely fox to teach him all about taming and love and loss. It’s a beautiful story.

I suppose I’ve ruined all the embedded themes, but trust me, the book is still a beautiful read.

Much like the cherry blossoms symbolize in Japanese culture, remembering the brevity of life and the inherent danger in taming can serve to enrich our experience. Of life. Of love. Of taming and connection. And being mindful of this can inspire us to love well in each moment.

It can make us brave in our quest to step out and venture into the process of taming.

And it is that process, not its result, that serves us. If we are willing to engage it.

So, for all of you scared to connect, wondering about how you’ll guard yourself against future loss, those of you who want a secure relationship, to not risk heartache, or betrayal, or hurt feelings, or risk losing an intimate relationship again… you are not alone. For those of you hoping to skip ahead, wanting to launch suddenly into an instant relationship or puzzled that the person you thought was just right for you turned out not to be the one you’re going to ride off into the sunset and old age with… hold on.

Breathe.

As long as there is life, there is time for love, for taming, for this moment, for connection, for goodness.

Don’t let fear of loss keep you from truly living and loving.

Most of us fear the loss because we don’t understand out own natural capacity to withstand it. Or, for some of us, we’ve done a very poor job of it in the past so that fear intensifies. Some of us were forced to handle loss at such an early age without much wise guidance in making sense of it that we forged unhealthy ways of processing our own pain.

I know the fear is real and the fear comes from somewhere and it has a different flavor for each one of us. That’s okay. We’ve kept it around for very good reasons.

Want help managing that or learning more about it?

We can make it work for you instead of against you. And we can explore together the ways you naturally move through loss and figure out if it’s helping or getting in your way.

Give me a call: 513-530-5888.