Resolving conflict can be a fraught topic. Why is that?
You’re IN your relationships, so the movement, patterns, stresses and joys of them, are something you just DO and HAVE.
But there’s one thing that determines how healthy they actually are. Like most truly valuable things, it’s SIMPLE. You’ve probably heard me say that simple doesn’t automatically translate as EASY, but stick with me.
Ready for it? This is the one thing that determines how healthy your relationships are:
It’s how you resolve conflict.
It’s not the ABSENCE of conflict in relationships that determines their happiness or health. Maybe you’ve heard me say one person made this way, moving through the world like so, with these core issues — plus another person made their way, moving through the world as they do, with their core issues MEANS conflict. Guaranteed.
One human + one human = conflict.
At some point.
It’s inevitable. It’s human. And in fact, it’s psychologically healthy.
BUT! The singular thing that is a barometer of the HEALTH of your relationship is HOW well the two of you navigate conflict.
Here’s what happens when you don’t resolve conflict well:
You both create an undercurrent of unresolved tension. When this builds up over time, I call this Empathy Gridlock. That’s because, ultimately (even when you’re not aware of exactly what that thing is) you each want something from the other, but you’re not getting what you want in the relationship and so, neither of you budge giving the other what they truly want! Hence, Empathy Gridlock.
Sometimes people in this state agree to be miserable together.
Some humans actually stay together in this state for quite a long time. We all know old couples who bicker like children, are general curmudgeons — at least one of them is — and they live out their lives never doing anything different.
But should YOU? I always side with people being as healthy as possible, so my answer to that is, “Oh my goodness, don’t do that when you don’t have to. Why would you!?”
Most of the couples who come to see me are in a state of Empathy Gridlock and we get to work busting the gridlock so they can get back to peace and relational joy.
Some pairings don’t have decades of Empathy Gridlock built up.
Because a lot of my couples are mid-lifers who are re-mating after a divorce, these couples especially want to do something different with this new relationship. They want to be sure they know how to have a healthier version of a committed, loving relationship.
They are smart! They realize it’s easy to fall into old patterns.
The first step is realizing your own tendencies.
What’s your usual way of addressing conflict?
Some people cope with conflict like so:
They avoid.
This is easy to do. Just let the relationship fade away… Let it die on the vine. Wither from neglect. Allow it to shrivel and drop off.
I’ve been guilty of this.
I can be a baby when my desire to avoid overrides a sense of maturity. That’s on me. It can be my tendency, for sure!
I’m not defending it, I just understand it from the inside out! Avoiding conflict is not a way to resolve it, since unresolved conflict can fester…or it can kill a relationship.
(Psssst, there are ALWAYS good reasons avoiding conflict is someone’s go-to response. There are also highly effective ways to truly heal those reasons. I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve grown into being good at resolving conflict. If I can do it, anyone can. I’ll show you how if you decide to explore working together.)
BOOK NOWOthers let conflict fester and then add to their own narrative.
This can make the chance for reconciliation even more remote and make the path back even harder. But it’s also a natural thing to do.
This can be where the CNI comes into play. That Core Negative Image of the other is easily expanded and increased with their every move. More and more “evidence” of their flawed nature piles up.
You know what I’m talking about. It can be the difference between seeing your mate’s wet shoes parked half on the rug and half off the rug and thinking “GAWD, what a slob! He’s never careful with our wood floors!” or thinking something lighter like “Hmmm, look at that. He’s making such an effort to get the x,y,z task accomplished outside even in the rain.”
One approach automatically gives the benefit of the doubt…and likely with an internal stance that the relationship is much more important than the floor. The other approach automatically reverts to the Core Negative Image of this person as “a slob.”
Even if he’s messy, untidy, or doesn’t prioritize keeping the wood floor dry… thinking in that way, even about tiny things can make it MUCH harder to work a repair that actually lasts..when more important issues arise. Build-up of the Core Negative Image over time ensures the pairing will have a very difficult time truly resolving anything.
Some people revert to perspective arguing to “resolve conflict.”
It never works. Perspective arguing is ALWAYS a losing strategy. And while it can come naturally, most of us want the other person to understand us, and it seems to “make sense” as the way to resolve things, it is not effective!
In fact, when two people spend time taking turns explaining themselves, they walk away even more entrenched in their own way of thinking. There’s research proving this. Perspective arguing does not build rapport, respect, or understanding.
In addition, perspective arguing often leads to an escalation of the conflict, and just serves to underscore the CNI.
In these instances, it’s common for individuals to have fantasy conversations with the other person.
Think about it.
Have you ever revisited an exchange again and again, thinking through what you wish you’d said?
Or maybe you’ve imagined an exchange long before it ever happens. Have you practiced what you’ll say and predicted the response?
Some people do so much imaginary communicating, they think they’ve actually already had the conversation.
All of it, just ADDS to the Core Negative Image that’s rattling around in someone’s head.
Sad thing, no matter how well-intended you are, it’s nearly impossible to prevent someone else’s CNI of you! You cannot control their perception.
The best bet? Resolve conflict well.
So, what happens when you DO resolve conflict well?
Everyone has their idea of how to do this better. Those ideas include communicating better, or explaining themselves more or explaining more clearly. Some people think it means learning to talk to their mate in a way the other has a better chance of hearing. Some people think it means trying harder. Or avoiding conflict more effectively to begin with.
All of that is important to some degree. So, yes to all of it.
It’s not where we start, though.
Why?
Because it doesn’t prevent Empathy Gridlock or genuinely get two people beyond their conflict as quickly as possible. What will?
Easy Conflict Resolution
When you do resolve conflict well, there are three simple steps.
- One or the other person offers a repair.
- The recipient accepts the offer for repair, if not immediately, then eventually. (Sooner is better than later.)
- The repair works! Effectively. Completely.
When I say the repair works, I mean it does repair the relationship: it restores good feeling between the two, and it brings them back to peace and relational joy. In fact, accomplishing a complete repair instills more confidence in the relationship and it brings people closer.
The overall health of the relationship is apparent in HOW they manage and resolve the conflict.
The healthiest relationships work an effective repair in about 20 minutes.
Believe it or not, that’s about how long it takes for two healthy, mature people to be responsible and honest about their own stuff, to be vulnerable with one another, and to discover they still, yes, they still have a safe, cherishing, loving haven of a relationship with one another.
I know that seems like very short order, and it truly is. Keep in mind this is between two whole human adults who have healed their residual trauma and have a good mastery over their core issues.
They have done the healing work and they show up, ready for healthy relationship.
Lots of us have experienced that it can take days, even weeks, before there’s any movement toward peace. And look, you can’t control the other person, but you can do what you can do and then be genuinely at peace with your efforts. No matter what kind of relationship it is. No matter what kind of response you get.
So eventually, yes, what happens between two healthy adults is that they work through a conflict easily and responsibly in quite short order. This means between workmates, between friends, between parents and grown children, between siblings, as well as in intimate partnerships.
How are you doing resolving conflict?
If you don’t know how to do this, or you keep running into frustrations, I can help with that. Obviously, I’m not the only one who can do this, but I’d love to join you.
I can’t think of a thing on the planet more important than helping people have truly healthy relationships. It’s what I do. I do this all day long. Every day. In every way I can think of making that contribution.
Why?
Because it’s JOYFUL. Literally. Full of joy. For me and for my clients.
Experiencing relational joy, not just a fleeting feeling here or there, is truly joyful and good. Real peace and harmony in relationships of all kinds is the absolute foundation to a happy, healthy, long, enjoyable, productive life. (There’s research on that as well- google the longest running Harvard Study on Happiness.)
Relationship conflict during the holidays can make everything worse.
Since there’s so much emphasis on family, on togetherness, and so many parties or gatherings or events to attend, gifts to buy, and so much cooking, and baking, and (around here at least) so much food to make and eat and give….
pressure can build up.
This is definitely the season when the state of our relationships is most evident. Unresolved conflict can feel even heavier.
Even if you don’t have a ton going on, it can be a low mood time of the year.
Darker days, colder temps, less daylight can all add to the challenges of the holiday season.
I don’t suggest starting big relationship work during the holidays. Wait to get to work until after the first of the year. Whether there’s a primary love relationship that needs to be much better. or you’re experiencing conflict in other relationships, you don’t have to ADD the stress of trying to change things right now.
But here’s what I can help with NOW:
- If you want to get started identifying the patterns in a relationship and explore types of repair in your particular situation, we can do that.
- If you’d like to prepare for a gathering, an encounter, a situation or circumstance, we can do that.
- If you’d like some extra warmth and support because you’re feeling the loss of someone dear to you, I’m here for you.
- If Seasonal Affective symptoms or depression are flaring, let’s address that.
- If you’d like to set the groundwork for goals to meet in the New Year, we can get started on that now.
- If you’d like to do a one-off, or a reset, or a refresh, we can do that right now.
I opened up more sessions on my calendar this week if you want to jump in. GO HERE to Schedule.
I’m looking forward to hearing more about what is going on for you. I’ll let you know exactly how I can help. Resolving conflict is a skill you definitely need. No matter where it applies, there’s a good solution. Let’s…BOOK NOW
