Gentleness is key to habit change

You’ll hear the opposite this time of year, but the key to habit change is not RA, RA, get it gurl! New Year, New You!

Not at all.

Gentleness is really the key to changing any habit: big, small, minute, stubborn, slippery. More than any other mode, gentleness rules the day

But let’s define GENTLENESS.

It’s a key cornerstone in how I work with people. And like my mentor, Terry Real, says “Harshness never did what loving firmness does a thousand times better.”

Harshness, is, in essence, violence. Toward others and inside our minds. We’ve just bought into the idea that violence gives us traction. We’ve sided with brute force because it seems to get things done. ( I mean, it’s violent and it’s movement, so there is that. But it does damage in the meantime.)

Gentleness on the other hand, can be described as loving firmness. It’s the best strength available to humans. It includes an awareness of oneself and it is really the only thing that moves the needle.

The new year and anticipated changes ahead may habit change into focus.

I know you’ve heard from me that New Year’s Resolutions are bunk. They really are NOT an effective way to start fresh or meet goals or change habits. (But we still like doing it!)

Paranthetical insertion: I still remember last year talking with friends at my Arthur Murray dance studio and saying how New Year’s Resolutions do not work and getting quite the push-back from one of the guys. “What do you mean, they don’t work?! How do you set goals then? Who doesn’t make New Year’s Resolutions?!!” He was pretty heated about it.

There are people who absolutely LOVE them! If you’re one of them, I get it.

For all of us, they feel pretty wonderful. They are optimistic and beautiful. They’re so hopeful, and such a lovely marker for adjusting habits we want to change.

But making real change has actual stages (that we’ve researched) so we know what’s truly effective. We know how the human animal makes adjustments and what is, in fact, key to making a lasting habit change. We know what proves most effective in incorporating a lasting adjustment that simply becomes part of life.

Habit change is not really simple or easy. So much has to happen!

Here are the Stages of Change

Precontemplation — this is before a desirable change is even really on our conscious radar. Maybe that’s the time when some nagging way of living is just having an effect on us — like we sorta register maybe feeling a little…off, sluggish, unsatisfied, but that’s it.
Contemplation — this is when we start to THINK about the thing. “Hmmm, Oh, well, that’s a lot of cookies. Or I probably should DO something about my bank account.” Or it could be that something just registers as bothering us: I wish I had better friends. or I don’t think there’s anyone I could call for help at 2 in the morning.
Planning — Perhaps this is self-explanatory. But this is when you make a plan. You think about how you can be successful. You do the mental work of thinking about what needs to be adjusted in order to make the change. (Maybe you think what it might be like to NOT buy whatever you want off Amazon. Maybe you think about what it would be like to actually go outside in January and take a brisk walk in the middle of the day.)
Action — You DO the thing! You move money into your savings. Or you meal prep for the week and then that’s all you eat. You DO the workout. This is you actually doing the new thing.
Maintenance — the time when you sustain the change. It becomes your new normal. You’re in a different groove and routine. Pretty soon, this is your way of doing things. This is the time when identification with this new normal takes root and makes the change so powerful. Now, you the kind of person who…manages her money well, is fit and athletic, lives a healthy lifestyle, whose friendships are deep, meaningful, AND fun!
Relapse — every single person on the planet needs to accept that relapse is part of the process of change. There WILL be times when you waste money again. You ARE going to overeat. Or miss a workout. Definitely gonna be moments of conflict in relationships—of all kinds. This is a NORMAL part of life. And relapse can be a reality without being a REVERT. If one accepts it as part of the process. Then, ya just return to the new normal… and this part is supr important: no shame, no blame, and there’s no need for fear. Just get back to it. (Psssst, Go back to Action).

Okay, now that you’ve seen these stages of change…

Maybe you can see it without me spelling it out. But I’m gonna spell it out: New Year’s Resolutions expect human beings to go from a state of revelry and celebration to suddenly tamping down an enjoyable thing. They are bonkers!

No one really changes anything meaningfully by going from enjoyment to QUITTING! (Not even quitting smoking cold turkey happens suddenly. The successful quitter thinks about it and plans for how he will confront moments previously punctuated with a cigarette. The wise quitter realizes relapse may be part of the equation and instead of this being an excuse to revert to the habit, she simply returns to the intention and action of quitting.)

What is much more effective is paying attention to those areas of life you’ve started contemplating that might need an adjustment. And taking the MONTH of January to think it through, maybe make a plan and… just when everyone else is abandoning their Resolutions, (in February) that might be when YOU decide to start taking action.

At any rate, be GENTLE with yourself. You don’t need to be indulgent or permissive with yourself. I hope you were indulgent over the holiday season and that you ENJOYED yourself immensely! I hope you were gentle with yourself coming back to a more regular schedule after the holidays.

By all means, be gentle with yourself as you walk out whatever behavior change you’re hoping to accomplish. Just don’t skip the stages.

Now YOU get to be gentle with yourself.

No matter what, be gentle with yourself as you attempt to change behavior. Maybe think about the stages of change if there’s anything that needs changing. And also, get in for a session if you need some support in making that change.

Above all, go right ahead and take your time thinking through, planning for, and acting in your best interests.

You got this.

And I’m right here. I got you if there’s anything at all you need. Get on my schedule for a free consultation or book your first session.

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How to Resolve Conflict

Resolving conflict can be a fraught topic. Why is that?

You’re IN your relationships, so the movement, patterns, stresses and joys of them, are something you just DO and HAVE.

But there’s one thing that determines how healthy they actually are. Like most truly valuable things, it’s SIMPLE. You’ve probably heard me say that simple doesn’t automatically translate as EASY, but stick with me.

Ready for it? This is the one thing that determines how healthy your relationships are:

It’s how you resolve conflict.

It’s not the ABSENCE of conflict in relationships that determines their happiness or health. Maybe you’ve heard me say one person made this way, moving through the world like so, with these core issues — plus another person made their way, moving through the world as they do, with their core issues MEANS conflict. Guaranteed.

One human + one human = conflict.

At some point.

It’s inevitable. It’s human. And in fact, it’s psychologically healthy.

BUT! The singular thing that is a barometer of the HEALTH of your relationship is HOW well the two of you navigate conflict.

Here’s what happens when you don’t resolve conflict well:

You both create an undercurrent of unresolved tension. When this builds up over time, I call this Empathy Gridlock. That’s because, ultimately (even when you’re not aware of exactly what that thing is) you each want something from the other, but you’re not getting what you want in the relationship and so, neither of you budge giving the other what they truly want! Hence, Empathy Gridlock.

Sometimes people in this state agree to be miserable together.

Some humans actually stay together in this state for quite a long time. We all know old couples who bicker like children, are general curmudgeons — at least one of them is — and they live out their lives never doing anything different.

But should YOU? I always side with people being as healthy as possible, so my answer to that is, “Oh my goodness, don’t do that when you don’t have to. Why would you!?”

Most of the couples who come to see me are in a state of Empathy Gridlock and we get to work busting the gridlock so they can get back to peace and relational joy.

Some pairings don’t have decades of Empathy Gridlock built up.

Because a lot of my couples are mid-lifers who are re-mating after a divorce, these couples especially want to do something different with this new relationship. They want to be sure they know how to have a healthier version of a committed, loving relationship.

They are smart! They realize it’s easy to fall into old patterns.

The first step is realizing your own tendencies.

What’s your usual way of addressing conflict?

Some people cope with conflict like so:

They avoid.

This is easy to do. Just let the relationship fade away… Let it die on the vine. Wither from neglect. Allow it to shrivel and drop off.

I’ve been guilty of this.

I can be a baby when my desire to avoid overrides a sense of maturity. That’s on me. It can be my tendency, for sure!

I’m not defending it, I just understand it from the inside out! Avoiding conflict is not a way to resolve it, since unresolved conflict can fester…or it can kill a relationship.

(Psssst, there are ALWAYS good reasons avoiding conflict is someone’s go-to response. There are also highly effective ways to truly heal those reasons. I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve grown into being good at resolving conflict. If I can do it, anyone can. I’ll show you how if you decide to explore working together.)

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Others let conflict fester and then add to their own narrative.

This can make the chance for reconciliation even more remote and make the path back even harder. But it’s also a natural thing to do.

This can be where the CNI comes into play. That Core Negative Image of the other is easily expanded and increased with their every move. More and more “evidence” of their flawed nature piles up.

You know what I’m talking about. It can be the difference between seeing your mate’s wet shoes parked half on the rug and half off the rug and thinking “GAWD, what a slob! He’s never careful with our wood floors!” or thinking something lighter like “Hmmm, look at that. He’s making such an effort to get the x,y,z task accomplished outside even in the rain.”

One approach automatically gives the benefit of the doubt…and likely with an internal stance that the relationship is much more important than the floor. The other approach automatically reverts to the Core Negative Image of this person as “a slob.”

Even if he’s messy, untidy, or doesn’t prioritize keeping the wood floor dry… thinking in that way, even about tiny things can make it MUCH harder to work a repair that actually lasts..when more important issues arise. Build-up of the Core Negative Image over time ensures the pairing will have a very difficult time truly resolving anything.

Some people revert to perspective arguing to “resolve conflict.”

It never works. Perspective arguing is ALWAYS a losing strategy. And while it can come naturally, most of us want the other person to understand us, and it seems to “make sense” as the way to resolve things, it is not effective!

In fact, when two people spend time taking turns explaining themselves, they walk away even more entrenched in their own way of thinking. There’s research proving this. Perspective arguing does not build rapport, respect, or understanding.

In addition, perspective arguing often leads to an escalation of the conflict, and just serves to underscore the CNI.

In these instances, it’s common for individuals to have fantasy conversations with the other person.

Think about it.

Have you ever revisited an exchange again and again, thinking through what you wish you’d said?

Or maybe you’ve imagined an exchange long before it ever happens. Have you practiced what you’ll say and predicted the response?

Some people do so much imaginary communicating, they think they’ve actually already had the conversation.

All of it, just ADDS to the Core Negative Image that’s rattling around in someone’s head.

Sad thing, no matter how well-intended you are, it’s nearly impossible to prevent someone else’s CNI of you! You cannot control their perception.

The best bet? Resolve conflict well.

So, what happens when you DO resolve conflict well?

Everyone has their idea of how to do this better. Those ideas include communicating better, or explaining themselves more or explaining more clearly. Some people think it means learning to talk to their mate in a way the other has a better chance of hearing. Some people think it means trying harder. Or avoiding conflict more effectively to begin with.

All of that is important to some degree. So, yes to all of it.

It’s not where we start, though.

Why?

Because it doesn’t prevent Empathy Gridlock or genuinely get two people beyond their conflict as quickly as possible. What will?

Easy Conflict Resolution

When you do resolve conflict well, there are three simple steps.

One or the other person offers a repair.
The recipient accepts the offer for repair, if not immediately, then eventually. (Sooner is better than later.)
The repair works! Effectively. Completely.

When I say the repair works, I mean it does repair the relationship: it restores good feeling between the two, and it brings them back to peace and relational joy. In fact, accomplishing a complete repair instills more confidence in the relationship and it brings people closer.

The overall health of the relationship is apparent in HOW they manage and resolve the conflict.

The healthiest relationships work an effective repair in about 20 minutes.

Believe it or not, that’s about how long it takes for two healthy, mature people to be responsible and honest about their own stuff, to be vulnerable with one another, and to discover they still, yes, they still have a safe, cherishing, loving haven of a relationship with one another.

I know that seems like very short order, and it truly is. Keep in mind this is between two whole human adults who have healed their residual trauma and have a good mastery over their core issues.

They have done the healing work and they show up, ready for healthy relationship.

Lots of us have experienced that it can take days, even weeks, before there’s any movement toward peace. And look, you can’t control the other person, but you can do what you can do and then be genuinely at peace with your efforts. No matter what kind of relationship it is. No matter what kind of response you get.

So eventually, yes, what happens between two healthy adults is that they work through a conflict easily and responsibly in quite short order. This means between workmates, between friends, between parents and grown children, between siblings, as well as in intimate partnerships.

How are you doing resolving conflict?

If you don’t know how to do this, or you keep running into frustrations, I can help with that. Obviously, I’m not the only one who can do this, but I’d love to join you.

I can’t think of a thing on the planet more important than helping people have truly healthy relationships. It’s what I do. I do this all day long. Every day. In every way I can think of making that contribution.

Why?

Because it’s JOYFUL. Literally. Full of joy. For me and for my clients.

Experiencing relational joy, not just a fleeting feeling here or there, is truly joyful and good. Real peace and harmony in relationships of all kinds is the absolute foundation to a happy, healthy, long, enjoyable, productive life. (There’s research on that as well- google the longest running Harvard Study on Happiness.)

Relationship conflict during the holidays can make everything worse.

Since there’s so much emphasis on family, on togetherness, and so many parties or gatherings or events to attend, gifts to buy, and so much cooking, and baking, and (around here at least) so much food to make and eat and give….

pressure can build up.

This is definitely the season when the state of our relationships is most evident. Unresolved conflict can feel even heavier.

Even if you don’t have a ton going on, it can be a low mood time of the year.

Darker days, colder temps, less daylight can all add to the challenges of the holiday season.

I don’t suggest starting big relationship work during the holidays. Wait to get to work until after the first of the year. Whether there’s a primary love relationship that needs to be much better. or you’re experiencing conflict in other relationships, you don’t have to ADD the stress of trying to change things right now.

But here’s what I can help with NOW:

If you want to get started identifying the patterns in a relationship and explore types of repair in your particular situation, we can do that.
If you’d like to prepare for a gathering, an encounter, a situation or circumstance, we can do that.
If you’d like some extra warmth and support because you’re feeling the loss of someone dear to you, I’m here for you.
If Seasonal Affective symptoms or depression are flaring, let’s address that.
If you’d like to set the groundwork for goals to meet in the New Year, we can get started on that now.
If you’d like to do a one-off, or a reset, or a refresh, we can do that right now.

I opened up more sessions on my calendar this week if you want to jump in. GO HERE to Schedule.

I’m looking forward to hearing more about what is going on for you. I’ll let you know exactly how I can help. Resolving conflict is a skill you definitely need. No matter where it applies, there’s a good solution. Let’s…BOOK NOW

A good couples counselor has you covered

Here are three key things to look for when searching for a really good couples counselor. Good couples counseling means more than changing behavior. It addresses core level healing so you can build fulfilling relationships.

Don’t worry; a good couples counselor is assessing more than just your relationship. Often when you’re heading to couples counseling (maybe for the first time) you have some anxiety. That’s very common and absolutely normal as you contemplate bearing your soul with a stranger. Rest assured, a good couples counselor will help ease this. Remember, this is not her first rodeo, even if it is yours. A good couples counselor knows exactly what to look for and how to help you.

Worried about these things?

Maybe you think your partner will charm the couples counselor and as a result “get away” with bad behavior in session or out. Maybe you think the counselor will be just as confused as you are by their excuses or explanations. Could it be that the counselor won’t have enough chutzpah to confront bad behavior?

Worry no more. A good couples counselor has this well in hand. We’ll cover three key things to look for when you interview a candidate, but first it’s important to clarify a couple of things.

Good couples counseling very likely isn’t what you imagine it to be.

You may have the impression that couples counseling is “neutral”. That it’s the counselor’s job to be “objective” or “fair”, to facilitate some kind of understanding between the two of you, like an arbitrator or a mediator.

Maybe you have an idea the counselor is a referee whose job it is to allow you to attempt to resolve a conflict and parse out who is right or wrong, fighting fairly or not. Or maybe you think it’s her job to unpack your last conflict and teach you what you should have done.

Many people think a couples counselor is an objective third party ready to pronounce a winner!

Good couples counseling doesn’t waste time on any of this. Truly good couples counseling does not play “whack a mole” with your problems. And as a result, it’s much more effective. A skilled couples counselor gets right to the core of your relational pattern and will help you grow in order to create a healthy relationship.

Everything you gain -and there will be personal gains even if the relationship should not be salvaged- is yours to keep forever. I’ll say more about this below, but first:

People are confused about good couples counseling for good reason.

Sometimes people want a neutral third party to decide who’s right. They may actually long for someone to help them “duke it out in a fair fight”. They really want someone to take their side, pronounce them “the winner”, or to feel quite justified that their partner is “the bad guy” and they are “the good guy”!

Often there IS an imbalance of power in the relationship, and whoever feels they’re getting the short stick can long for someone “on their side” who will help convince, persuade, or change their partner.

Others fear the couples counselor will tell them that they are in the wrong; they are doing it wrong; they are bad, failing, coming up short, or some other version of “just not good enough”. The mere thought of such a pronouncement can feel overwhelming and risky! Especially if they already feel they’re doing “more than their fair share” of emotional work in the relationship.

Furthermore, television and movies can add to the misconceptions about counseling. Most often, the cinematic portrayal of couples counseling perpetuates erroneous ideas of neutrality, reffing a conflict, or choosing a winner of the relationship! Keep in mind, such a scene is used for dramatic (or comedic) effect. It’s not a true representation of what actually goes on in couples counseling! It’s not real. Even “reality TV” or podcast excerpts can misrepresent the process of good couples counseling since both formats are heavily edited.

None of that is one bit helpful. If a counselor allows that or takes that role, fire them! They are not a good couples counselor. Here are three major things to evaluate when searching for your couples counselor:

Good couples counseling follows a framework.

Ask anyone you interview what they use. Read their website and find out how they work. Don’t settle for a cursory answer either. Good couples counselors should publish the methods on their website. They should be able to articulate the way they work.

Don’t know exactly what to look for? Here’s a quick run-down:

Anyone who mentions Gottmann is going to have you do a lot of brain-based activity to experience your relationship. You’ll be invited to change behavior and to change the way you think about things. You’ll be given homework to do. Think worksheets. This can appeal to cerebral types. I don’t recommend it since it fails to get to the heart of relationships. After all, intimate partnerships must incorporate and respect the feelings of the individuals in them. If your relationship doesn’t incorporate this, what you’re living in is a transactional relationship. You deserve much more than that.

If someone mentions EFT (Emotion Focused Therapy), you’ll be invited to be more empathetic toward your mate. EFT challenges couples to become more, not less, responsible for one another. This can actually foster a really unhealthy dynamic, especially in pairings where there’s already an imbalance of power and one person is doing more of the emotional heavy lifting. It can have a devastating effect where there is a lot of confusion about who’s responsible for what.

If a counselor uses cognitive behavior therapy or they don’t talk at all about the way they conduct couples counseling, be suspicious! They may not have a clue what they’re doing. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be effective treating the symptom of depression, but you need better methods when dealing with the complexities of intimate relationship.

Even worse than them being inept, spending time with a counselor who does not have a fully developed and effective couples counseling framework can do more harm than good. Especially because disrupted relationships are, in themselves, very painful.

I’ll talk about the framework I use at the end of this article. In the meantime, the second thing to look for is…

Good couples counseling is NOT neutral

Most relationships are not a 50/50 mess. That’s why any good couples counselor understands she is NOT there to help you “fight fair” and remain neutral. If you’re expecting “equal time” or the right to “have your say” you have the wrong idea about couples counseling.

Of course, she’ll hear from each of you, but a good couples counselor won’t need to ask you each the same questions. There should be no “tit for tat” in any single session. A counselor who proceeds like this really doesn’t have anything helpful to give you. Find someone better.

A good couples counselor will assess the patterns in your relationship. She’s also looking for underlying issues each of you may struggle with. Then, she’ll proceed to give you skills and growth challenges (aka assignments) that match the way you’re made, how you process, and how you move through the world. Some challenges will be the same for both partners, but often they will be very different.

Be assured, no matter what your situation, your couples counselor is rooting for you. And a really good counselor will know who needs to grow in what way in order to create a healthy relationship together.

Do your assignments and stay out of your partner’s business while they are doing theirs. Remember, no one is “winning therapy”! If you do your work, your gains are yours to keep forever.

Finally…

Liking your couples counselor matters and liking requires testing.

Keep a consultation call before you book a session. If they don’t offer free consultation calls, do not waste your time, energy, and money exploring couples counseling with them….EVEN if your insurance covers the session. The one thing in life you are never getting back is your time, so don’t waste it prepping, arranging all the schedules, and then testing by going through a first (or intake) session.

You need to know if you like the counselor and that only comes from having a conversation. The fastest way to do that is with a consultation call.

When you get on the phone, a good couples counselor will want to know what YOU are experiencing. She will want to hear the story of your relationship -whatever parts you think are important- in order to assure you she knows she can help.

Don’t worry. You don’t have to cover everything in a short conversation. She might cut you off because she has enough information or she might ask for different information. Don’t be surprised by this. A good couples counselor is trained to listen and assess during this call. Largely without you realizing it, she’ll already be demonstrating the skills she’ll use in sessions.

You are asking yourself two questions:

1. Do I like her?

Of course this is subjective. That’s as it should be.

2. Can she help?

Does she work from an effective framework?

That’s ALL you need to consider in the phone consultation. Nothing else. Do I like her? Can she help me? If yes, book an appointment and jump in. I always recommend sticking with a well-vetted therapist for 6-8 sessions. But if you get some ICK vibes in the early sessions, remember you are always free to jump ship and find someone better.

My Framework

Every relationship is unique, no exceptions. Individuals are exquisitely unique. I’ll assess the patterns in your relationship and let you know what I see.

You might already be aware of the patterns; you’re living inside them, after all. You may even know what you should do instead. If awareness alone were enough to create healthy relationships you’d already have done it by now!

Or you might feel stuck and utterly confused.

You’ve probably heard (or read) a lot about good relationship. You might wisely think the key to better relationship is

better or more communication
getting your partner to do something good for the relationship
getting your partner to stop doing something that’s harming the relationship

No worries. We will get to all of that.

First, we have to do the underlying work so that you both CAN change the patterns and the behavior.

I’ll teach you what to do when emotions run hot and the stakes are high.

I specialize in relationship disruption.

Think of as any experience that has resulted in a disruption to your nervous system. It might be a bengative pattern, a betrayal, or anything you experience as relationship threatening.

That disruption can show up by you feeling triggered, suddenly anxious, fearful, overwhelmed, flooded, shut down, going cold, feeling numb, experiencing sudden anger or even feeling rageful.

It can manifest in your relationship as a confusing repetitive pattern, having the same argument over and over, getting no resolution in a conflict, and result in increasing resentments or a turning away from one another.

Those patterns, arguments, and tensions can be loud or they can be very quiet, but for certain, they are interfering with having a peaceful, fulfilling relationship. But you already know that. I know these things don’t change with wishful thinking, just getting on with it, or pushing down and ignoring the issues. They will reoccur and resurface until they’re truly healed.

So let’s do that. I can help.

There is hope. There is a solution for every problem you’re facing and healing for every wound.

Read more about the way I practice Whole Human Therapy here. If you’re ready to get on my consultation schedule, click below. Let’s talk soon.

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How do you Decide?

Remember back when George W took flack for saying “I’m the Decider! I decide what’s best.”

Well, no matter what your political leanings, it’s actually true. I mean, he wasn’t the Decider of the entire free world as a stand-alone be-all dictator (thankfully!) but he was the President of the United States and he was The Boss in charge of keeping or not keeping Donald Rumsfeld as Speaker of the House. It just sounds funny! (You might not recall the context, so I supplied it for you.)

Well, he was the Decider.

More importantly,YOU actually are the Decider. You are the Lead, the Star, the Romantic Hero in the story which is your life. Also, guess what?! You are the creator, writer, and director as well!

It doesn’t need to get any bigger than that. You shape your own life. Period.

You get to Decide

After all, you are a grown up and you get to do what you want. It’s one of the things that separates children from adults.

So why do some of you have such a hard time actually DOING this?

Could be you’re scared you’ll choose wrongly. Maybe every option includes pain and treading water seems more manageable than venturing through shark-infested waters.

It might be more comfortable blaming other people: your parents, society, your mate, your lousy luck! Realizing that it’s up to you can be terrifying at first… and ultimately liberating. Once you realize this, next comes agency and POWER.

(I help people with this whole process all the time, so don’t fear if you need help with it. I’ve got you covered.)

Keep this in mind:

Not deciding is a decision.

You’re choosing limbo. More treading. Using energy just to stay afloat. And, I mean, that’s fine as long as you realize you are choosing not to choose and it is costing you time, energy, and (often it’s also costing lots of ) moola.

Of those three, time is the one that actually does not regenerate (so far anyway.) It’s your time. I think it’s time for the next step…but untimately, YOU get to decide when to move.

Make it Easier to Decide

I promised three steps to making it easier. I already outlined the first two. 😉

1. Accept that YOU are in charge.

2. Acknowledge that not-deciding might be painful and costly itself.

3. Make a Change Benefits Matrix.

I use this with clients all the time. It can be helpful to have an “objective someone” identify what you emphasize as you talk, reflect back to you, help you organize your thoughts, and listen for how you actually weight components of the activity. (Good therapists are not just staying quiet and nodding their heads. We do more.)

And the Change Benefits Matrix is also something you can do at home.

Make a double pros and cons list which has two headings. At the top write down your contemplated change. Underneath you’ll list the pros and cons. On the second long horizontal line is NOT the change. Don’t write what is the opposite or a different solution or two opposing options. You’re considering ONE CHANGE at a time. It looks like this:

For example, maybe you’re contemplating the change of “Buy a gym membership.” The Not is “Don’t buy a gym membership.” The second line is not something like, Join a Hiking group or Start running on your own. In other words, it’s not an alternate solution.

So it’s not even something like “break-up” and “stay together.” It is directly not that change. It matters. So, it would be “break up” and “don’t break up.”

In this way you’ll be thinking precisely and only about the pros and cons of making or not making the change and avoid confusing the issue with other possible solutions.

A couple more hints for using this to decide

Yes, some of the pros above will be related to the cons below, but you’ll also find they have their unique flavor and weight. Go ahead and complete a whole square or jump around the matrix filling it up.
When you’re done, what stands out most notably? Is something weightier than all the rest? Pay attention to that.

Some purveyors of the Change Benefits Matrix will have you assigning percentages to weight your pros and cons. Knock yourself out if you think the math will tell you what’s most important.

I don’t do that. For most people, you won’t need numbers to make the decision.

You’ll discover what matters most to you. It will unfold as you spell it out. You might suddenly know the thing holding you back. Or you identify the hurdle you want to address. Maybe it’s the thing that makes you decide this contemplated change is not for you. Could be now is not the time for the change.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll see that you really are motivated to get moving and make the change.

After all, you get to decide.

This is gonna help many of you. And it might bring up some sticky spots for some of you. Let me know if I can help. Send a message and I’ll let you know how we get started.

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Got New Year’s goals coming up? This is a great thing to use getting prepped for transformation and growth big and small.

Relationship Patterns Busted

We all establish relationship patterns, sometimes without realizing it. Even when you’re aware you’re doing the same dance (or experiencing the same frustrations) it can be hard to see things clearly from the inside.

Maybe one day you suddenly realize you’re doing all the reaching out. You text and call. You initiate contact. You come up with fun ideas for what to do together. It’s never the other person.

Or you realize you just can’t seem to get what you need no matter what you’ve done to make those needs known. It’s almost like you’re speaking a foreign language. If only you could feel heard. You try harder and get even less!

It could be you’ve loaned more money or paid for an outing or bent over backwards to help and had the same person fade or withdraw over and over. In your frustration, you realize they only surface when they need something. Next time they appear, you appreciate feeling needed, (and you’ve missed them) so once again you give, only to have them do the same thing when they get what they came for.

Your pattern might be something different entirely. Like the more you want connection and ask for it, the more she withdraws. Maybe the more you treat him like a child, the more irresponsible he becomes.

It can take time and insight to recognize relationship patterns.

It’s easy for other people to see what you’re doing. And not so easy to make sense of it or see it clearly when you are the one (or two) doing the dance.

Even if you recognize yourself in one of the above descriptions, (or any other recurrent pattern) it can be tough catching yourself in the middle of it. Besides that, from the inside of the dance you may think you look a whole lot different on the outside.

(Hint, hint, you probably DO look a whole lot crazier to other people, especially those who have witnessed the relationship pattern over and over and over. Remember, just because you look crazy doesn’t mean you ARE. You’re just stuck repeatedly doing something that’s not working.)

Avoiding your relationship patterns’ trap

Ever heard the sidewalk analogy? Your relationship pattern is like a hole in the sidewalk. At first, you just walk down the familiar sidewalk and fall right in.

You might wonder why it’s suddenly so dark and damp, pitiful, and well, kinda gross-smelling in there. But, it’s familiar. You’ve been here before. And the other person is down there in the muck with you. After slipping and sliding a bit, (or a lot) you each claw your way out of the hole, sometimes over the tops of each other.

Next time, you know the hole is there and MAYBE you find a way to go around it. But it’s like a magnetic vortex. You get scooped off your feet and fall down it again. Whoops!

Soon, however, you are recognizing the hole and you develop enough strength to resist its magnetic pull. You deliberately walk out and around it. (Cool!)

The real win comes when you recognize the sidewalk and find a different route entirely. Bonus: the alternate route not only avoids the slimy, slippery hole, it gets you where you really want to be a whole lot faster and without all the slime, stink, and muck of the hole, not to mention there’s zero clawing on the way out.

Shifting the pattern

Picking a different sidewalk requires some serious skill. Usually there are reasons that darn hole is magnetic. Most people need a map, a guide, or a coach watching from the outside who can help them see and understand the pattern, build the strength to resist its pull, and find a suitable alternate route.

Don’t do this alone. You already know falling into the hole is zero fun. There’s no need to spend extra time standing out there on the sidewalk arguing about which way to go.

I know it can be humbling to ask for directions. I know some of you even like your sidewalk. It’s familiar at least, maybe it’s comforting in some way, perhaps it pays off sometimes. (For example, when you beg for attention, sometimes you get it. When you chastise him, maybe he behaves for a bit.)

For some of you, admitting you need an outside perspective is the biggest hurdle. But you know the sidewalk you’re choosing does not lead where you want to be. You know you need directions.

Still, it can be a risk to trust someone else with your life and relationship patterns. You want your investment to pay off, not lead down another dead-end street. I get it.

You could ask any and every passer-by for directions, but a wiser approach is to get a good map. Better yet, hire a personal guide. Heck, you might even need a skilled coach to help you stay out of that hole.

I want to be that kind of effective help for you. Let’s talk and get you on a path that leads to the kind of life and relationship you really want.

CONNECT

A Successful Midlife Crisis

I’m not sure I’ve been more ecstatic than I’m feeling this morning. Life just seems to get better and better and better.

Is this a midlife crisis

or the result of a successful one?

I’ve had A LOT of happy mornings like this one where I get out of bed and think, sometimes say outloud: I love my life! I’m so happy! Life. Is. Good.

Just last night, another mid-lifer and I were discussing how successfully navigating the midlife psychosocial crisis absolutely sets us up for “the best of life for the rest of life.”

(It has become one of the transformation projections I make with my clients. because I’ve seen it happen so many times! Maybe you’ve heard it as a tag line on my podcast.)

An eavesdropping listener asked if I’ve had a midlife crisis. I answered, “yes! Of course. We all have one; some of us just notice it more than others.

The midlife crisis gets a bad rap

for all the examples we first imagine:

a man growing out his hair and mustache, buying a motorcycle, and leaving his wife and children for a young babe.

OR a mom turning into a micro-skirt-wearing cougar and dating her daughter’s boyfriend or leaving the family. Ouch!

Sure, sometimes people do freak out in similar fashion, hence the clichéd stereotype. But like all stereotypes, applying them to everyone or thinking, ah, so that’s a midlife crisis, is just, well, a narrow definition. Not helpful. And not realistic.

Did you know we all have one?

A midlife psychosocial crisis, that is, not the stereotypical one.

We are all programmed to transition from one stage of life: our active, prime adult stage where we have been focused on work, procreating, pair-bonding- do you like those terms for adulting- to the next stage, which has been so expertly named “midlife.” And guess what, the stage can last 15 -25 years by some delineations. (It better, I say. I’m not declaring myself an “elder adult” until I’m 75 at least. But I digress.)

Of course, not everyone has children. Not everyone gets married. But financial survival, decisions and responsibilities regarding work and parenting children as well as navigating intimate relationships…these all occur in the active adult stage.

Then mid-life hits.

We become aware we are literally half way (or more) through our life on the planet and it inspires reflection. (And sometimes panic, sometimes intense panic.)

For some it’s a quick look back. For others that glance is filled with regret. For some, it’s filled with so much unpleasantness, they avoid doing it…for as long as possible.

The psychosocial crisis involves navigating between stagnation (and a fixed mindset) or regeneration (that state of renewal, re-focus, and movement) which will guide the rest of life.

Sometimes people’s unwillingness to process the past and their life so far actually lands them in the stagnation camp. They live out the rest of their days resisting reflection, personal responsibility, and growth forward.

Sometimes people get stuck in the past, fixated on its wounds without processing them and they can’t move forward (and that lands them in the stagnation camp.)

Most people long to go toward health.

That is why they will move toward regeneration: a contemplation of all that has gone on before, a renewal and reconsideration of values, and readjustment based on what one now knows.

After all, we DO know so much more at 50 than we knew at 30. By age 30, most of us had made significant decisions regarding what we would do for work, whether we would parent, who we would love. Then we proceeded to spend the next 15-20 years doing those things. After that amount of time, we realize -in a big way- that we are not going to be on the planet forever so we might want to make the most of the rest of our time here.

We might freak out a little over all the ways we’ve spent our time and energy up to this point. We might have regrets. Or grief.

Or something like that.

Midlife contemplation is inevitable.

All the fallout from a messy midlife contemplation is not inevitable though.

Whether you are the one floating in these rough waters or a loved one who affects you and your life is grappling with it, focused attention to all the aspects of this time of life can be much smoother with a counselor or coach.

But ya gotta find one who knows what she’s doing. 😉

I’m not the only one out there, but of course I’m recommending myself. Call or text me. Send and email. Just connect and let’s get started.

CONNECT

Even if what you really need right now is to ask a question. Click the button and connect. I’m happy to help.

Time Alone

If you’re still searching for a partner, it might surprise you I’m an advocate for time alone. For singles AND for those IN relationship. If you’re looking for a partner, I still advocate time alone regularly. Either way, I know this can sound like crazy-talk. Read on and find out just what I mean.

Every connection needs the space required to desire dancing back together. We need time in deep intimacy and connection AND away from it. We all need time to miss the other.

We also need time to refocus and reconnect with our selves. Believe it or not, this is good for extroverts too, or those who get energy from being with others. No matter how you’re made and what your current relationship status, I’m talking to you.

In relationship or single and unattached, we all need time for THE most important, longest, guaranteed-to-last relationship we will ever have: the one with SELF.

This relationship is the foundation for all the other ones we have in life, whether you’re aware of it or not. (More good information on the topic here.)

Frankly, I like my alone-time. Sometimes I need to NOT give my time, energy, and attention to a single other human on the planet. I need time to reconnect with myself. Not only am I introverted enough to NEED it, but I like doing what I want when I want, thinking about whatever, while I’m wearing what I want.

For instance, I love thinking who cares if I look frump-city ? If I utterly neglect grooming: no make-up, air-dried crazy hair and mismatched, baggy clothes? Hurray!

More than just being funny, that’s a big deal for me because I spend a lot of energy paying attention to all the visuals I send, create, and receive. It’s great to take a break from that for a minute and shift my awareness elsewhere.

You’ve got your own thing you identify with heavily all the time and you could stand to take a break from that too. I’m sure of it.

I hear your protests.

Not all of us have the luxury of time alone. (Everyone needs me.)

I just can’t afford it. (There’s too much to do.)

Isn’t spending time alone really just selfish? (What will people think?)

I’m not interested in all that woo-woo navel-gazing crap. (Time alone is just for Narcissists and crazies.)

And for some of you, spending time alone without structure, getting acquainted with the real you, scares the shit out of you. After all, who knows what you’ll discover/feel/experience? And, ultimately, what if it’s not pleasant? Dear Heaven, what if it involves pain?!

If that’s you, I’m speaking RIGHT to you! Trust me, it’s okay. You will live. Even if you are grieving (heartbreak, bereavement or OTHER loss,) no need to trust me; trust yourself, you won’t die. Know how I know? For starters, I’ve done it. For one thing, I survived the worst winter of loneliness and you can read about here. I’ve walked through this with many, many clients and they have all discovered their alone time does not actually kill them. That’s great news as you intentionally spend a little time with your self.

Some of you are single and unattached and you still don’t spend much time alone.

Your time is full of other people and their struggles, full of activities, endless movement, cleaning, “book work” and one project after another, the endless answering of demands from all those people who expect, and require, and demand, and want from you. It feels like a vibrant, full life to you. It all makes you feel that you matter.

The prospect of coming home to a dog, cooking for one, and settling into some mind-numbing television is all the alone-time routine you can envision and the thought of that seems pathetic and awful. So you avoid it. At all costs.

Some of you’ve identified that you need it and you’ve taken responsibility for getting it.

I recently had this discussion with a man living squarely in mid-life. He’d been dating, in and out of relationships/entanglements for the past several years and now is just past the first flush of relationship with a woman he actually thinks might be “it.” He can see a future with this one. Still, he realizes he needs his alone-time.

Here’s a story from one woman in Minnesota (and you know that’s where I’m from!) who spent the July Fourth weekend alone. It CAN be pretty awesome!

Another woman I know is freaking out because her husband just retired at age 59 and he is expecting to be able to hang out with her all the time. She wants to continue the freedom of doing her own thing naturally two nights a week while he is out of town on business. He’s not going to be out of town on business anymore and while she loves him deeply, she realizes she is going to have to do some grown-up communicating and negotiation in order to have some time to herself.

Sound familiar? Still scary? Here are some tips for making the most of your time alone.

Get to know yourself as you would get to know any new connection.

You don’t have to spend all your time alone, just think about spending time getting to know yourself like you would in any relationship. And plan to be kind.

Pay attention. Notice what you do, what you like, how you feel.
- Check in with your daily, physical habits. Usually these are so thoughtless, we don’t realize we’re being overly demanding with our physical expectations. Or maybe you’ll find you take the couch-potato approach to daily living.
- Check in with your emotions. Scary? Just breathe. See if you can notice them and name them. You don’t need to do more with them right now. That’s a great start.
- Check in with your physical self. Don’t worry, just because you acknowledge an ache or pain does NOT mean it’s going to get worse. Tired? Sleep. Hungry? Eat. Angry? Breathe.
Seek understanding. Be curious.
- Learn about yourself by asking gentle questions like “what’s going on with me that I feel so tense?” That’s one example.
- If you don’t know yourself well yet, now is a great time. Read, research, look! Ask yourself, “how am I made?” Your subconscious will go to work answering the question AND you’ll start to uncover evidence all around you.
- Enlist the reflective help of a good psychotherapist. Tell him or her directly that you are looking to understand yourself more and you want to know as much as possible what they observe.
Finally, ACCEPT what you find. Love yourself unconditionally, once and for all.
- Just notice. You don’t have to be perfect. You get to be human. You don’t even have to be perfectly human, just start.
- Go ahead and say out loud the things you like about yourself. You don’t have to tell everyone; just tell yourself. Count your strengths.
- Notice some things are harder to accept? Bring these things to a trained psychotherapist and ask directly if she/he will help you see how to shift this stuck spot.