Psychology Archives - Luwandi Counseling & Coaching

How to Resolve Conflict

Resolving conflict can be a fraught topic. Why is that?

You’re IN your relationships, so the movement, patterns, stresses and joys of them, are something you just DO and HAVE.

But there’s one thing that determines how healthy they actually are. Like most truly valuable things, it’s SIMPLE. You’ve probably heard me say that simple doesn’t automatically translate as EASY, but stick with me.

Ready for it? This is the one thing that determines how healthy your relationships are:

It’s how you resolve conflict.

It’s not the ABSENCE of conflict in relationships that determines their happiness or health. Maybe you’ve heard me say one person made this way, moving through the world like so, with these core issues — plus another person made their way, moving through the world as they do, with their core issues MEANS conflict. Guaranteed.

One human + one human = conflict.

At some point.

It’s inevitable. It’s human. And in fact, it’s psychologically healthy.

BUT! The singular thing that is a barometer of the HEALTH of your relationship is HOW well the two of you navigate conflict.

Here’s what happens when you don’t resolve conflict well:

You both create an undercurrent of unresolved tension. When this builds up over time, I call this Empathy Gridlock. That’s because, ultimately (even when you’re not aware of exactly what that thing is) you each want something from the other, but you’re not getting what you want in the relationship and so, neither of you budge giving the other what they truly want! Hence, Empathy Gridlock.

Sometimes people in this state agree to be miserable together.

Some humans actually stay together in this state for quite a long time. We all know old couples who bicker like children, are general curmudgeons — at least one of them is — and they live out their lives never doing anything different.

But should YOU? I always side with people being as healthy as possible, so my answer to that is, “Oh my goodness, don’t do that when you don’t have to. Why would you!?”

Most of the couples who come to see me are in a state of Empathy Gridlock and we get to work busting the gridlock so they can get back to peace and relational joy.

Some pairings don’t have decades of Empathy Gridlock built up.

Because a lot of my couples are mid-lifers who are re-mating after a divorce, these couples especially want to do something different with this new relationship. They want to be sure they know how to have a healthier version of a committed, loving relationship.

They are smart! They realize it’s easy to fall into old patterns.

The first step is realizing your own tendencies.

What’s your usual way of addressing conflict?

Some people cope with conflict like so:

They avoid.

This is easy to do. Just let the relationship fade away… Let it die on the vine. Wither from neglect. Allow it to shrivel and drop off.

I’ve been guilty of this.

I can be a baby when my desire to avoid overrides a sense of maturity. That’s on me. It can be my tendency, for sure!

I’m not defending it, I just understand it from the inside out! Avoiding conflict is not a way to resolve it, since unresolved conflict can fester…or it can kill a relationship.

(Psssst, there are ALWAYS good reasons avoiding conflict is someone’s go-to response. There are also highly effective ways to truly heal those reasons. I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve grown into being good at resolving conflict. If I can do it, anyone can. I’ll show you how if you decide to explore working together.)

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Others let conflict fester and then add to their own narrative.

This can make the chance for reconciliation even more remote and make the path back even harder. But it’s also a natural thing to do.

This can be where the CNI comes into play. That Core Negative Image of the other is easily expanded and increased with their every move. More and more “evidence” of their flawed nature piles up.

You know what I’m talking about. It can be the difference between seeing your mate’s wet shoes parked half on the rug and half off the rug and thinking “GAWD, what a slob! He’s never careful with our wood floors!” or thinking something lighter like “Hmmm, look at that. He’s making such an effort to get the x,y,z task accomplished outside even in the rain.”

One approach automatically gives the benefit of the doubt…and likely with an internal stance that the relationship is much more important than the floor. The other approach automatically reverts to the Core Negative Image of this person as “a slob.”

Even if he’s messy, untidy, or doesn’t prioritize keeping the wood floor dry… thinking in that way, even about tiny things can make it MUCH harder to work a repair that actually lasts..when more important issues arise. Build-up of the Core Negative Image over time ensures the pairing will have a very difficult time truly resolving anything.

Some people revert to perspective arguing to “resolve conflict.”

It never works. Perspective arguing is ALWAYS a losing strategy. And while it can come naturally, most of us want the other person to understand us, and it seems to “make sense” as the way to resolve things, it is not effective!

In fact, when two people spend time taking turns explaining themselves, they walk away even more entrenched in their own way of thinking. There’s research proving this. Perspective arguing does not build rapport, respect, or understanding.

In addition, perspective arguing often leads to an escalation of the conflict, and just serves to underscore the CNI.

In these instances, it’s common for individuals to have fantasy conversations with the other person.

Think about it.

Have you ever revisited an exchange again and again, thinking through what you wish you’d said?

Or maybe you’ve imagined an exchange long before it ever happens. Have you practiced what you’ll say and predicted the response?

Some people do so much imaginary communicating, they think they’ve actually already had the conversation.

All of it, just ADDS to the Core Negative Image that’s rattling around in someone’s head.

Sad thing, no matter how well-intended you are, it’s nearly impossible to prevent someone else’s CNI of you! You cannot control their perception.

The best bet? Resolve conflict well.

So, what happens when you DO resolve conflict well?

Everyone has their idea of how to do this better. Those ideas include communicating better, or explaining themselves more or explaining more clearly. Some people think it means learning to talk to their mate in a way the other has a better chance of hearing. Some people think it means trying harder. Or avoiding conflict more effectively to begin with.

All of that is important to some degree. So, yes to all of it.

It’s not where we start, though.

Why?

Because it doesn’t prevent Empathy Gridlock or genuinely get two people beyond their conflict as quickly as possible. What will?

Easy Conflict Resolution

When you do resolve conflict well, there are three simple steps.

One or the other person offers a repair.
The recipient accepts the offer for repair, if not immediately, then eventually. (Sooner is better than later.)
The repair works! Effectively. Completely.

When I say the repair works, I mean it does repair the relationship: it restores good feeling between the two, and it brings them back to peace and relational joy. In fact, accomplishing a complete repair instills more confidence in the relationship and it brings people closer.

The overall health of the relationship is apparent in HOW they manage and resolve the conflict.

The healthiest relationships work an effective repair in about 20 minutes.

Believe it or not, that’s about how long it takes for two healthy, mature people to be responsible and honest about their own stuff, to be vulnerable with one another, and to discover they still, yes, they still have a safe, cherishing, loving haven of a relationship with one another.

I know that seems like very short order, and it truly is. Keep in mind this is between two whole human adults who have healed their residual trauma and have a good mastery over their core issues.

They have done the healing work and they show up, ready for healthy relationship.

Lots of us have experienced that it can take days, even weeks, before there’s any movement toward peace. And look, you can’t control the other person, but you can do what you can do and then be genuinely at peace with your efforts. No matter what kind of relationship it is. No matter what kind of response you get.

So eventually, yes, what happens between two healthy adults is that they work through a conflict easily and responsibly in quite short order. This means between workmates, between friends, between parents and grown children, between siblings, as well as in intimate partnerships.

How are you doing resolving conflict?

If you don’t know how to do this, or you keep running into frustrations, I can help with that. Obviously, I’m not the only one who can do this, but I’d love to join you.

I can’t think of a thing on the planet more important than helping people have truly healthy relationships. It’s what I do. I do this all day long. Every day. In every way I can think of making that contribution.

Why?

Because it’s JOYFUL. Literally. Full of joy. For me and for my clients.

Experiencing relational joy, not just a fleeting feeling here or there, is truly joyful and good. Real peace and harmony in relationships of all kinds is the absolute foundation to a happy, healthy, long, enjoyable, productive life. (There’s research on that as well- google the longest running Harvard Study on Happiness.)

Relationship conflict during the holidays can make everything worse.

Since there’s so much emphasis on family, on togetherness, and so many parties or gatherings or events to attend, gifts to buy, and so much cooking, and baking, and (around here at least) so much food to make and eat and give….

pressure can build up.

This is definitely the season when the state of our relationships is most evident. Unresolved conflict can feel even heavier.

Even if you don’t have a ton going on, it can be a low mood time of the year.

Darker days, colder temps, less daylight can all add to the challenges of the holiday season.

I don’t suggest starting big relationship work during the holidays. Wait to get to work until after the first of the year. Whether there’s a primary love relationship that needs to be much better. or you’re experiencing conflict in other relationships, you don’t have to ADD the stress of trying to change things right now.

But here’s what I can help with NOW:

If you want to get started identifying the patterns in a relationship and explore types of repair in your particular situation, we can do that.
If you’d like to prepare for a gathering, an encounter, a situation or circumstance, we can do that.
If you’d like some extra warmth and support because you’re feeling the loss of someone dear to you, I’m here for you.
If Seasonal Affective symptoms or depression are flaring, let’s address that.
If you’d like to set the groundwork for goals to meet in the New Year, we can get started on that now.
If you’d like to do a one-off, or a reset, or a refresh, we can do that right now.

I opened up more sessions on my calendar this week if you want to jump in. GO HERE to Schedule.

I’m looking forward to hearing more about what is going on for you. I’ll let you know exactly how I can help. Resolving conflict is a skill you definitely need. No matter where it applies, there’s a good solution. Let’s…BOOK NOW

Cognitive Reframe to the Rescue

Cognitive reframe is not just a psychotherapy term. It is that. But it’s more. You can actually do it with your masterful mind and FEEL better. It’s sort of like magic. Or ninja neuroscience.

Here’s how to engage a cognitive reframe: you notice how you’re thinking about a thing: “oh my God, there’s no toilet paper! What will we do?!” For example.

You don’t label that thought. It’s not bad or good. You just notice that’s the way you’re thinking about it and then ask yourself, “Is there another way to think about this?”

The answer is, yes.

You frame it differently in order to have a different impact. For instance, “Wow, someone else has A LOT of toilet paper. I wonder what that stack looks like in their house?”

This is not a joke, although some of you might be smiling. I get that. Those of you who own the toilet paper right now, you’re probably definitely smiling.

This is also not a value judgement about whether you TP hoarders really need ALL.That.TP. This is for everyone else looking at that empty shelf who might actually be in danger of resorting to wash cloths and having a moment of sheer wonder, anxiety, and possible almost-panic. It’s okay. Don’t worry; that feeling can happen to ANY of us. There’s no judgement.

Another cognitive reframe:

There’s nothing wrong with wash cloths.

In fact, they don’t leave TP pilling. (Most of us think that’s a good thing.) And they are reusable. They worked for hundreds of years.

Does anyone remember cloth diapers? Hullo? They have always been a good thing for the environment and very effective in helping the littlest bums learn to hold the pee for the little potty.

When I think cognitive reframe, I think creativity

Know what? You don’t have to actually believe and invest in your reframe, you just have to consider it as a possibility. It loosens the death grip on your ONE WAY of seeing a thing and helps ease the associated suffering: anxiety, heartache, depression, grief. Whatever ails you.

Know who’s good at this?

Kid-minds.

They’re flexible and imaginative and don’t put ALL the stock in the first way of seeing things. Try it. Put on your best kid-mind and dive in. You can do this with anything.

A Cognitive Reframe Story

Some of you know I love a good story. Here’s one: Monday, working from home, I thought I’d do the responsible (and prudent) thing and I ordered some grocery supplies on line. Things like face wash and body wash, mouth wash and deodorant: things no one else will care about so much (except my honey) if I am endlessly working from home. But I care about these things!

(Apparently I have plenty of toilet paper, but not an abundance of run-of-the-mill cosmetic supplies.)

So, I ordered online for delivery. All the cosmetic supplies and frozen vegetables, which, if you know me at all, is almost blasphemy. Fresh is my mantra. But: wrong face scrub, no veggies, sample size pit-juice, and, to top it off, the shopper picked himself up a box of brownie mix which I never ordered, I did pay for, and I did not receive because he obviously took them home as a tip for his less-than-stellar job as my personal shopper. (I really did NOT order brownies! Honestly. I’d make those from scratch… most of the time.)

Of all the things to surreptitiously add to a grocery order!

At any rate, the order was such a fail, I braved the store myself the next day.

And purchased $276 worth of food, beverages, and supplies to get me through at least a month if I were to be quarantined all by myself in my house.

Which is not happening anyway, btw. I’m not quarantined nor will I shelter in place all by myself. There’s My Honey for company (which is not his real name.) And the cat (also not his real name.)

Fast forward to the grocery shelves.

Yes, there were vacuous, bare, clean racks with NOTHING on them where the meat and seafood usually are, where there used to be dairy and bread and paper products.

But do you know what my cognitive-reframing-trained brain did?

It got creative.

What other protein can I introduce? There WAS packaged meat, just not the freshly cut stuff.

I even remembered to buy sauerkraut, potatoes, and (chicken) sausage in order to celebrate St Patty’s Day with “bangers and mash.”

Personally, I shrug at bread since I consume so little of it, being gluten sensitive, but whole wheat crackers fit that bill nicely.

I bought not-my-brand decaf coffee and chose organic microwave popping corn since all the families with kids off school obviously absconded with the other stuff and the overwhelming sense I had was of…

ABUNDANCE!

I have enough, I am enough, I do enough.

Oh my word! There were some empty shelves, but there were aisles and aisles and aisles and plenty of lush, fresh produce, and multiple choices of real food just waiting to be loaded into my cart and organized in my pantry.

And guess what? There was still PLENTY when I left it behind, despite the fact there were so many shoppers in the store, dutifully staying 6-feet apart, allowing turns choosing similar items and lining up with some distance between carts to check out.

Makes me wish I owned stock in Kroger, Cub Foods, Byerly’s, Lund’s or Whole Foods!

Made me proud of us as humans!

We can feed the world, people. And make toilet paper galore. And replace the paper towels that sold out! I hear that PnG (right here in Cincinnati) is thinking flexibly about all kinds of anti-microbial products and sanitizing solutions they will sell to us this year!

For EVERY negative, there is a positive reframe

This is not just half-empty, half-full rigmarole. It actually matters. There is always a different way to look at the darkest thing you’re considering. And it does not need to be related to these unprecedented, strange times. It applies to your relationship. To your parenting. Your money. To your food, your sister, your workplace, your circumstances, your self-imposed, silly limits, and every single other thing that troubles you today.

And if you can’t see the alternative just by getting creative, or you’re having trouble thinking flexibly, call your therapist. Or me. We want to help you. We’ve got ninja magic neuroscience tricks up our sleeves that work. Cognitive reframing is just one of them.

Be well. Be safe. Get in touch. Follow on Inst or FB. Join the Insiders so I can send you Love Letters . Reach out for contact or an appointment. I’m here to help.

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Staying Motivated

There IS a secret to staying motivated and it is completely within your control. That’s the good news. Putting the secret to work to benefit you takes just a little conscious effort on your part. (For you super-lazy people, that’s the bad news.)

For the rest of us, staying motivated is actually easier than you think right now. And sure, some of your “anchor” reminders or aspirational images truly may help you focus on where you’re going. I won’t say that’s complete hogwash. After all, I am often caught saying “we have in our lives exactly what we believe we deserve.” And I stand by that. So those anchors and aspirational images actually do help you envision what you deserve…as long as they are not accompanied by an inner dialogue that completely negates everything they stand for.

If you look at that anchor photo of the beautiful house you will afford, or the lovey-dovey couple joyously cavorting on the beach in their elder years, or the svelte model in the exact jumpsuit you have hanging in your closet waiting for you to drop 15 pounds…and you say to yourself “fat chance, sucker, who do you think you are? That’s not you; you’ll never get there…”

…well, it’s not the image or anchor that needs to change. It’s your inner dialogue that needs to adjust so your motivation has some staying power! And the key to staying motivated is shifting your inner dialogue.

Shift the Inner Dialogue to stay motivated

Psychology Today did an article on Silencing your Inner Critic several months ago. Since I keep the magazine in my lobby at Luwandi Counseling and Coaching here in Cincinnati, I observe what people pick up. Other issues have been recycled, but reprints of that one article has been requested more than any other.

Maybe part of the reason is that I talk about this in sessions. It relates to being gentle, (a theme song everyone who knows me hears over and over) and it’s one of the best ways to stay motivated when the rest of therapy (or life) is a struggle.

Why on earth are we hard on ourselves?

Many of us think it’s what actually gets us motivated and moving. That’s rarely authentically true. Usually there is fear under the harshness and well, fear just is NOT as good as faith (or love and respect.) Ask any kid who ever had a harsh parent.

Did that harshness really engender respect and make any child a better person? I have met adults who heard that harshness and gritted their teeth and vowed to prove that parent, coach, or teacher wrong! But it was anger that motivated, not the harshness itself.

Sure, I’ve had clients who internalized the harshness and passed that harshness, critical, and bitter bile onto their children, hurting the generation to follow. But no one was better for it.

And yes, fear keeps us running for a while. All of us have imagined wolves or rabid dogs (of some sort) chasing and nipping at our heels and it DID keep us moving and striving. But it’s exhausting after a bit. It’s super exhausting after years… or decades.

It’s time you put down the harshness and fear and realized it just does not serve you anymore.

There is a better way!

Shift your inner dialogue from harsh to caring (not permissive or anything goes, don’t worry!) I know at first it can feel like you’re hiking cliff-side without guard rails, but You have Got this! (I say that even though I secretly think that phrase is so overused!)

But seriously… get a hold of yourself, keep your eyes in front of you. Resist the fear and just proceed one step after the other.

Notice when your inner dialogue gets harsh. It happens any time you call yourself names, when you disparage your efforts, or label your behavior as worthy of disdain. First notice, and then replace it with something you can believe.

Replace the inner critic with a Cheerleader

I’m talking the kind of cheerleader you can believe. Which means you don’t go from zero to a thousand if your mind is just going to laugh at you. Begin in gentle increments. But begin.

You’re not an idiot. You’re not a slob or gross or a klutz or hopeless. Start with easy phrases like “you got this” if you can believe it. Encourage yourself with soothing, encouraging phrases you might tell a small child. Cheer yourself with things you’d say to a very dearest friend. Be GOOD to you.

Just a note

Yes, being good to you IS different than being indulgent. In my office, I like to talk about waking up your true self, the “Gentle, Benevolent Observer” who is really your higher self, your higher consciousness, the higher self, your functional adult…all the same part of each of us as humans. You’ll recognize her when she acts like her name. You’ll know him when he shows up performing the duties his name describes. Get in touch with THAT part of you. It’s the YOU who prevails, succeeds, breaks habits, makes new ones, and reaches the goals your heart desires.

Need help with that? Of course, reach out. Shoot me a message on the contact page or JOIN the Insider’s Club and get my Love Letters.

Behavior Change: why is it so hard?

Behavior change might be on your agenda this time of year. Maybe besides losing the holiday weight, it’d be nice to drop a few additional pounds and get in shape. You’ve been swearing you’ll afford that vacation and this is it! Maybe this is the year to find love or really improve relationship once and for all. You’ve said it before but this truly is the year to pay attention to your health, finances, or relationship!

I know you’re ready and you’ve been trying really hard for the past couple weeks.

Still, some stats tell us only 8% (or up to 18% in the optimistic findings) successfully keep our New Year’s resolutions. If you’ve almost given up already, you’re not alone.

But don’t let the statistics fool you. Humans are highly capable of behavior change. It’s part of what separates us from other life forms.

The way you go about doing it is what sets apart those who manage to transform their lives (er, their bodies, bank accounts, or relationship experience) and those whose movement in the world remains relatively the same year after year, decade after decade.

Successful Behavior Change

It helps to understand some things about the human animal. We were made to conserve energy. Keep that in mind when you decide what and how to change and make it as easy on yourself as possible. You’ll give yourself the best chance of making that change permanent and be more likely to achieve your desired outcome.

Here are three great things to do to make it as easy as possible (and 10x more likely it will stick.)

1. Combine behaviors

Combine an already-habit with a desired one for easy behavior change. For instance, examine what you do automatically that produces a “good” return on your investment. It might be brushing your teeth. Do you automatically brew coffee first thing? Maybe it’s watching your favorite show. Every single one of these things you do “almost without thinking” has a positive return for you (or you wouldn’t have made it a habit in the first place.)

Just so you know, I am not arguing the good in caffeine or TV viewing… or brushing your teeth, for that matter. I’m not arguing anything. The point is to pick something that you do automatically and that you LIKE because it’s pleasurable, easy, or has a good payoff…even as small as liking the feeling of a clean mouth.

Now, marry that to something else beneficial. Maybe you want to drink more water. Or add a daily stretching routine. Maybe you’re trying to add some meditation. Do it while the coffee brews. The stretches don’t have to be long. Even three minutes of meditation makes a difference. Getting hydrated in the am while the coffee brews is a perfect time for that. Meditating while brushing your teeth? I say it’s possible.

And yes, combine a good thing with a less healthy habit: drinking a beer after work for example. If you already drink the beer, adding the additional more healthy behavior will, in fact, still make a significant difference.

2. Small behavior change first

… because small behavior changes last. (See what I did there?)

We all get pretty gung-ho when it comes to behavior changes. And yes, when you get good insight and put action to it, you will see some pay offs that make a difference right away.

But do not underestimate the power of small, incremental changes added over time. These will change your life. And if you combine them with things you already do, you will barely feel the difference.

Don’t believe me? I just committed to contributing an additional 3%…just THREE percent… to my long-term investing. At a super-moderate yield, in ten short years, that 3% alone will net an additional 75 THOUSAND dollars. SEVENTY FIVE THOUSAND BIG ONES. And that’s not even combining it with other investing. That’s JUST the 3% figured alone.

Not a friend of compound interest yet? You need to meet.

I will barely feel that three percent allocation. In fact, I pretty much won’t. It’s being moved from one account draw (where it earns absolutely ZERO) to the other.

Is that the only financial change I’ll make and call it good? No. But I am not all black and white and hot and bothered about this one either. I am not waiting until I have something HUGE to invest. I am not requiring myself to get all my ducks in a row before I start moving small amounts that will make a big difference. Which leads me to this:

3. Conquer all-or-nothing thinking

It never helped anyone. Ever. Honestly.

All-or-nothing thinking just keeps people stuck. It keeps them having the same experience in life and in relationship over and over and over again. It fosters paralysis. And a collasping, “ah just screw it” response when a little snag comes up.

Just change one little thing today. One little thing next week. (Not tomorrow either…give yourself at least a week if not THREE weeks to make a real adjustment.) At the end of the year, that’s 52 (and if you did one every 21 days that’s still SEVENTEEN) additional corrective improvements. That’s a lot of improvements.

It’s not true that you need to figure it all out or make drastic changes or that you can’t move until everything is prepped and ready to go. It’s not that six sessions of marriage or relationship counseling will transform your relationship forever. (There should be some movement in six sessions, and you should gain insight but a lot of that is going to be small, internal, and make the biggest difference implemented in real changes practiced over time.)

Look, we love dramatic transformations. We love rags-to-riches and underdog victories and come-from-behind wins. We love get-rich-quick schemes and fast happy relationships that form and gel into a “happily ever after” in an hour and 43 minutes. That’s all good. These are pretty sweet stories. But they are not common, realistic, and they are not even the whole story.

Gentleness, my friends, is the key to getting over black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking. Just try being gentle and rigid at the same time. You can’t. You CAN, however, be gentle and loving while being firm at the same time.

Gentle is key in Behavior Change

I know some of you think you need to be hard on yourself to get results. You think if you’re not punishing or pushing yourself, you’ll wimp out and cave to the other extreme. That’s the very nature of all-or-nothing thinking and it does not serve you. Not sure what gentleness looks or sounds like?

It’s a good loving, inner cheerleader. One that doesn’t let you off the hook (indulgent or permissive) and doesn’t have you feeling like a piece of crap (harsh and shaming.) It sounds a bit like this: “hmmm, my pants are tight. Back to salads and fruit for lunch and no snacks from the break room. You can do that.” And then when considering the snacks while walking by them says something like, “You’re good. That impulse will pass in a few minutes. Keep walking.”

That gentle voice does not say things like “Holy crap, you’re fat! You deserve to wear tight pants as a reminder to get your ass in gear.” And then, walking by the snacks says “Your damn pants are tight. Don’t even look at those cookies, Fatso. That’s right, keep walking.”

One of those voices is loving and the other is not. Loving always wins in the (short and the) long run. Choose loving, gentle, and firm. No matter what the topic for your desired behavior change, gentleness will serve you. Harshness will just add to you feeling worse. Who wants that?

You can do it.

Real change happens over time when it’s combined with other habits, starts and stays small and incremental, and allows for gentleness in the process. Real change is woven into the fabric of daily life and compounds into transformation over time.

Need help? Of course, I’m here for you. Whether you want help setting incremental, helpful goals, being accountable to someone, understanding how gentleness works in your life and inner dialogue, or finding the right approach to meeting your goals and objectives, I am here to help.

How do you Decide?

Remember back when George W took flack for saying “I’m the Decider! I decide what’s best.”

Well, no matter what your political leanings, it’s actually true. I mean, he wasn’t the Decider of the entire free world as a stand-alone be-all dictator (thankfully!) but he was the President of the United States and he was The Boss in charge of keeping or not keeping Donald Rumsfeld as Speaker of the House. It just sounds funny! (You might not recall the context, so I supplied it for you.)

Well, he was the Decider.

More importantly,YOU actually are the Decider. You are the Lead, the Star, the Romantic Hero in the story which is your life. Also, guess what?! You are the creator, writer, and director as well!

It doesn’t need to get any bigger than that. You shape your own life. Period.

You get to Decide

After all, you are a grown up and you get to do what you want. It’s one of the things that separates children from adults.

So why do some of you have such a hard time actually DOING this?

Could be you’re scared you’ll choose wrongly. Maybe every option includes pain and treading water seems more manageable than venturing through shark-infested waters.

It might be more comfortable blaming other people: your parents, society, your mate, your lousy luck! Realizing that it’s up to you can be terrifying at first… and ultimately liberating. Once you realize this, next comes agency and POWER.

(I help people with this whole process all the time, so don’t fear if you need help with it. I’ve got you covered.)

Keep this in mind:

Not deciding is a decision.

You’re choosing limbo. More treading. Using energy just to stay afloat. And, I mean, that’s fine as long as you realize you are choosing not to choose and it is costing you time, energy, and (often it’s also costing lots of ) moola.

Of those three, time is the one that actually does not regenerate (so far anyway.) It’s your time. I think it’s time for the next step…but untimately, YOU get to decide when to move.

Make it Easier to Decide

I promised three steps to making it easier. I already outlined the first two. 😉

1. Accept that YOU are in charge.

2. Acknowledge that not-deciding might be painful and costly itself.

3. Make a Change Benefits Matrix.

I use this with clients all the time. It can be helpful to have an “objective someone” identify what you emphasize as you talk, reflect back to you, help you organize your thoughts, and listen for how you actually weight components of the activity. (Good therapists are not just staying quiet and nodding their heads. We do more.)

And the Change Benefits Matrix is also something you can do at home.

Make a double pros and cons list which has two headings. At the top write down your contemplated change. Underneath you’ll list the pros and cons. On the second long horizontal line is NOT the change. Don’t write what is the opposite or a different solution or two opposing options. You’re considering ONE CHANGE at a time. It looks like this:

For example, maybe you’re contemplating the change of “Buy a gym membership.” The Not is “Don’t buy a gym membership.” The second line is not something like, Join a Hiking group or Start running on your own. In other words, it’s not an alternate solution.

So it’s not even something like “break-up” and “stay together.” It is directly not that change. It matters. So, it would be “break up” and “don’t break up.”

In this way you’ll be thinking precisely and only about the pros and cons of making or not making the change and avoid confusing the issue with other possible solutions.

A couple more hints for using this to decide

Yes, some of the pros above will be related to the cons below, but you’ll also find they have their unique flavor and weight. Go ahead and complete a whole square or jump around the matrix filling it up.
When you’re done, what stands out most notably? Is something weightier than all the rest? Pay attention to that.

Some purveyors of the Change Benefits Matrix will have you assigning percentages to weight your pros and cons. Knock yourself out if you think the math will tell you what’s most important.

I don’t do that. For most people, you won’t need numbers to make the decision.

You’ll discover what matters most to you. It will unfold as you spell it out. You might suddenly know the thing holding you back. Or you identify the hurdle you want to address. Maybe it’s the thing that makes you decide this contemplated change is not for you. Could be now is not the time for the change.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll see that you really are motivated to get moving and make the change.

After all, you get to decide.

This is gonna help many of you. And it might bring up some sticky spots for some of you. Let me know if I can help. Send a message and I’ll let you know how we get started.

CONNECT

Got New Year’s goals coming up? This is a great thing to use getting prepped for transformation and growth big and small.

Choices and Guilt

Call him an old soul; we do sometimes.

What would you give to be free of shame and guilt? I bet you’ve been on a few guilt trips in your lifetime.

My son, age 22, speaks precise truths that took me 45 years to learn. The hard way. Well, okay, maybe 40 years. And my youngest son helped me learn.

I can’t quote verbatim because his words are more precise. They hold in their brevity more than I can possibly capture. Here’s my best try:

“We only have so much time on the planet. I make choices by asking myself ‘will this add value to my life or to the life of someone important to me? Will it matter?’ If the answer is no, I don’t waste my time.”

And he does not feel guilty about his choices. That also is a “waste of time.”

HE DOES NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HIS CHOICES. EVER.

He allows that he doesn’t have to make perfect ones, after all. He does not have to never miss out on something. He doesn’t even think that way, in fact. He shows up for his own life and lives it. I know part of this is the way he’s made and it comes easier to him than to some of us.

I love this about him.

I know some of the hard he’s experienced in life encourages such vision. I wouldn’t wish it on others even though he has grown into a fine man (whose frontal lobe probably closed about 4 years ahead of schedule!)

I love this about him too.

Such perspective is rare for his age, but it’s a good one we can learn at any age – even those of us who’ve spent years responding to the pull of shame and the leverage of the guilt trip.

And those of us who have actually repeated such techniques on others can (and will almost naturally) STOP doing this to others when we stop doing it to ourselves.

Magic almost. Miracle, if you prefer.

Health! Ahhhhhh yes.

There’s enormous freedom in living like this. And I’m convinced it doesn’t have to feel like artful tight-rope-walking between self-centered asshole and sappy, people-pleaser doormat. It does get comfortable.

As in, true-nature-comfortable, not zero-conflict-ever-comfortable.

Be encouraged!

Because sometimes there IS fall-out from living like this. At least until other people get used to the change. You’re upsetting relationship status, after all.

And for some of us, this means learning to carry our own pain and to NOT shoulder others’ pain. The good news is our own pain is not going to kill us. It’s only pain.

Everyone else’s pain piled on us might kill us.

It might cost us more than we can afford to pay. It might keep us from being awake for the good. It might cost us our very selves.

Taking responsibility for our own lives, knowing, allowing that our choices will not be perfect is the beginning of healthy relationship.

Far from being selfish, making choices that honor our limits and respects our own values frees others to do the same. Then, when we connect with those we love, it’s a healthy decision and a joyful experience, free from the weight of obligation and guilt.

Saying all this is easier than weathering the weight of guilt the first time you do something different. I realize that.

Still, I know what it’s like both ways. I know which is better. You will get over the guilt when you realize it keeps you trapped. And you will allow the shame to drop away and never attach to you again when you realize how much life and freedom awaits.

Need help getting there? It’s my job. Let’s get started.

Before you date again

What are the first things you want to know before jumping back into the pool of “plenty of fish?”

How to stay away from the slimy, stinky ones? Maybe you’re just wishing you could skip all the painful parts.

If you’re angry at all the advice about “wait a year” and “go find yourself first,” I’m here to tell you that is soooo normal! You should be angry! Who is this person telling you what you need to do? (here’s an example of a checklist for becoming self-actualized before dating again)

You are in pain!

It’s just overwhelming thinking about all the obstacles you must first overcome before you are going to get to the relationship you really want again! If it can ever work, that is!

Besides, when pain is your reality, a year feels like FOR-ehhhhh-VERRRRRR. (Sandlot, anyone?)

I bet you get equally annoyed when people answer your earnest question “when IS the right time to re-enter the dating world?” with “only you can answer that question.” That’s no help!

I might scandalize hoards of people, but truly, let’s cut to the chase about a few concerns:

Either you are wondering when it will EVER be an “appropriate” time to HAVE SEX again, (based on your values and this strangely shifting dating scene) or you may just want to stay away from any potential mates altogether.

Maybe you feel both ways in between secretly, literally, crying in your coffee. Maybe it’s easy enough finding willing sex partners but that has nothing to do with finding the committed relationship you actually want.

Everyone knows that late at night, in the cold dark of your single-occupied bed is THE TIME, no matter what, when you come painfully face-to-face with the reality of your new single-hood.

Have I said that sucks? It does!

Rather than assure you by saying “you will figure this out; you’ll know when the time is right” or give you a list of MUST-DO-FIRSTS, here are a couple of things that RIGHT NOW can be a small comfort.

Keep in mind your pain is real. It’s normal. It IS painful. Oh man, it hurts! Sometimes it hurts to breathe!
Put your pain in perspective. Humans get to experience pain. It is part of what makes us human. That said… (don’t get mad at me for this one-it comes from a really smart, sweet, older woman who had learned a thing or two by the time I heard her share it…)
Tell yourself the truth about your pain: It’s not going to kill you; it’s only your own pain. Make it a sweet, soothing “mantra”, if you like. “It’s not going to kill me; it’s only my own pain.” (Bonus nugget of truth that helps lots of people: when you learn to experience your own pain instead of taking on everyone else’s or trying to AVOID IT,- through busy-ness or denial- there’s actually LESS of it.) “It’s just my own pain.” Try that one on for size.
On the practical side, make your bed a sanctuary of COMFORT. Get new sheets and bedding, new pillows that DON’T smell like or remind you of your ex-lover. Make it YOUR space. And then sleep in the middle, thrash about with abandon and SPREAD OUT, man! if you need to cry there, go ahead. (This works for women AND MEN!)
Be grateful. Seriously. Count whatever you can. No matter what your spiritual approach and even if you don’t really engage one, noticing the good not only multiplies it (you notice MORE!) but it increases your daily satisfaction.

It’s not rocket science. Simple things can make a big difference. Of course, you know I’m going to tell you to find a skilled, trustworthy counselor or coach. Of course!