Tag: relationship help

After the holidays

What do you do with yourself after the holidays?

What do you do with yourself during this between time — after Christmas (or Hanukkah) and before New Year? 

Are you extending the festivities? Keeping busy? Stuffed full of cheese and sugar and alcohol?

Reflecting? Relieved? Maybe you’re still just holding on…

This one’s for the ladies especially, but do read it guys, because it can apply to all of us.

Seriously, though…how was your Christmas? Or Hanukkah.

Both mid-winter gift-giving holidays are fraught with expectation, anxiety, loneliness, performing, family dynamics, duty and obligation, sheer exhaustion, and well, often, disappointment. No matter what is going on, it’s extremely rare for this to be a truly stress-free time of the year. 

We do many things to cope with the aftermath of the holidays.

Here are a few:

Denial is a brilliant one. After all the very real chaos, we sit back, sigh, and say, “ahhh, wasn’t that wonderful?” Never mind there was a yelling match, or your daughter and son-in-law left early, or you got so mad you wanted to spit. Twice.

Avoidance is closely related to denial. “We don’t talk about this stuff. Nothing changes anyway.” Will you sweep it under the rug? Just get on with things…until next year rolls around, and you “grin and bear it” or try to do better? 

Deflecting works pretty well. Many of us walk away from family interactions by digging our heals in and blaming the other guy. (Auntie is so selfish and self-promoting. Uncle got drunk again. As usual. What’s wrong with kids these days? Since when is it okay for everyone to be on their tablets? Not to mention your mate. Getting him to help — with the right things — is like pulling teeth!)

So…what are you doing with those “after the holidays” feelings and thoughts this year?

No doubt, you’ve heard that doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. But that is precisely what most of us do. We go back to whatever is our favorite way of coping. And it underscores our narrative.

Adding to our narrative is temporarily satisfying.

You can’t expect anything else from him because he’s so… (name your adjective:) stubborn, emotionally immature, irresponsible, narcissistic. “Of course! My mother has always been trying to undermine me. She’s still doing it!” That nephew grew up entitled and he’s still a spoiled brat. 

Sometimes our narratives are milder toward others and harsher toward ourselves:

My feelings don’t matter.

I never get what I ask for anyway, so why bother?

It’s my job to be sure everyone else is getting along.

You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. 

We all have narratives — stories we tell ourselves until we truly believe that’s just the way it is. 

It’s because we create schemas in our brain. Once the schema is set, we collect evidence that fits into the schema, underscoring the narrative. That’s how our brains work.

We start this when we’re very young, expand on the existing schemas, and then do what is called “pruning” around age 11 or 12 when operational thought comes on board. We keep what serves us and prune away what we deem childish thinking. 

The problem is that the brain is wired for ease, and we stop tending to those schemas and questioning them as we get older. What results can be faulty thinking. We can maintain narratives (oftentimes quite subconsciously) that support beliefs that are not true, no longer serve us, and ultimately, are not one bit helpful.

Most of us keep them around much longer than is good for us.

I’ve often said, we keep them until they chomp us in the ass. Unfortunately, pain is a very good motivator. And for some of us, it’s the only motivator that works. 

That’s why, right this moment, I am going to invite you to do something different from your normal MO. 

Stop for just a minute. 

Acknowledge the rough spots, allow those feelings to just be, and sit in the pain for a moment. 

No, really sit in it.

It’s not going to kill you. I promise. Just breathe and let the pressure sink in. Really feel it.

Then, be honest with yourself.

Is this how you want next year’s holiday season to go?

It doesn’t matter if the thing you’d change has something to do with you or with them.

If you’d like it to be different, something has to change.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

And YOU have the power to make that happen. 

Even if it is about them. 

Trust me on this.

When one person changes, everything has to adjust. It’s a Universal Law and Universal Laws do not shift. (Think gravity, for an example you can imagine.) We can work with Universal Laws or we can waste a ton of energy trying to defy them.

I have a mentor who likes to say you can’t break a Universal Law, but you can break yourself against one.

All of us get in our own way in the process of change.

I call those blocks. Self-sabotage. You’ve heard them called blind spots. We all have them.

We come face to face with ourselves. And instead of doing something different, we choose what comes naturally, instinctively. We choose our well-worn path. And then we’re comfortably back to our same dull pain and those old coping skills kick in. 

But we don’t really get anywhere. And we can’t always see accurately just what is happening. 

That is why we all need outside help. 

If you’re sick and tired of the same-old, let’s really do something about it.

I’ve designed the program, SSS Life so women can become Strong, Smart, and Savvy for life. For real. No matter where you’re starting. And no matter what you’re facing. 

If it’s loneliness and loss because of a death, divorce, or breakup, the bewilderment of parenting grown children, unresolved wounds showing up in irritation or exhaustion with your aging parents, the weight of a strained relationship… SSS Life has you covered. 

Look,

Change doesn’t happen overnight. That’s why you can join and be a member for life. Pay tuition once, and you have lifetime membership, no recurring dues for years. ALL the updates to the program are yours at no extra cost. Ever.

Change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. We grow best when we’re joining others doing the same thing. In fact, we train harder, ask more of ourselves, and achieve more as part of a group. Even when there’s no competition involved. You need other people to do your best. Not to compare, but because the right mix of people focused on the same goal will get you there faster. 

In SSS Life, we gather to support, celebrate, and share our challenges and progress. You get the group, live coaching, ongoing email support, and an effective program to shift what just doesn’t serve you anymore. And you don’t even have to know exactly what is getting in your way! The program is designed to let you discover and shift. Gently.

You’re not the problem. But you do get a chance to be the solution.

Not many of us like change, even when we know it has to happen. So be assured, it does not have to be a drastic or uncomfortable shift. 

You get to take just as long as you like.

But don’t take too long to decide. SSS Life is HALF OFF only until January 1st. Then it’s back up to full price. Go HERE for info and to REGISTER.

Hope to see you inside. Get in here quick. You don’t want to miss the great price. And the next LIVE CALL is coming up soon!

SSS LIFE

How to Resolve Conflict

Resolving conflict can be a fraught topic. Why is that?

You’re IN your relationships, so the movement, patterns, stresses and joys of them, are something you just DO and HAVE.

But there’s one thing that determines how healthy they actually are. Like most truly valuable things, it’s SIMPLE. You’ve probably heard me say that simple doesn’t automatically translate as EASY, but stick with me. 

Ready for it? This is the one thing that determines how healthy your relationships are:

It’s how you resolve conflict.

It’s not the ABSENCE of conflict in relationships that determines their happiness or health. Maybe you’ve heard me say one person made this way, moving through the world like so, with these core issues — plus another person made their way, moving through the world as they do, with their core issues MEANS conflict. Guaranteed.

One human + one human = conflict.

At some point. 

It’s inevitable. It’s human. And in fact, it’s psychologically healthy.

BUT! The singular thing that is a barometer of the HEALTH of your relationship is HOW well the two of you navigate conflict.

Here’s what happens when you don’t resolve conflict well:

You both create an undercurrent of unresolved tension. When this builds up over time, I call this Empathy Gridlock. That’s because, ultimately (even when you’re not aware of exactly what that thing is) you each want something from the other, but you’re not getting what you want in the relationship and so, neither of you budge giving the other what they truly want! Hence, Empathy Gridlock.

Sometimes people in this state agree to be miserable together. 

Some humans actually stay together in this state for quite a long time. We all know old couples who bicker like children, are general curmudgeons — at least one of them is — and they live out their lives never doing anything different.

But should YOU? I always side with people being as healthy as possible, so my answer to that is, “Oh my goodness, don’t do that when you don’t have to. Why would you!?”

Most of the couples who come to see me are in a state of Empathy Gridlock and we get to work busting the gridlock so they can get back to peace and relational joy. 

Some pairings don’t have decades of Empathy Gridlock built up.

Because a lot of my couples are mid-lifers who are re-mating after a divorce, these couples especially want to do something different with this new relationship. They want to be sure they know how to have a healthier version of a committed, loving relationship. 

They are smart! They realize it’s easy to fall into old patterns.

The first step is realizing your own tendencies.

What’s your usual way of addressing conflict?

Some people cope with conflict like so:

They avoid. 

This is easy to do. Just let the relationship fade away… Let it die on the vine. Wither from neglect. Allow it to shrivel and drop off.

I’ve been guilty of this. 

I can be a baby when my desire to avoid overrides a sense of maturity. That’s on me. It can be my tendency, for sure!

I’m not defending it, I just understand it from the inside out! Avoiding conflict is not a way to resolve it, since unresolved conflict can fester…or it can kill a relationship.

(Psssst, there are ALWAYS good reasons avoiding conflict is someone’s go-to response. There are also highly effective ways to truly heal those reasons. I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve grown into being good at resolving conflict. If I can do it, anyone can. I’ll show you how if you decide to explore working together.)

BOOK NOW

Others let conflict fester and then add to their own narrative.

This can make the chance for reconciliation even more remote and make the path back even harder. But it’s also a natural thing to do. 

This can be where the CNI comes into play. That Core Negative Image of the other is easily expanded and increased with their every move. More and more “evidence” of their flawed nature piles up.

You know what I’m talking about. It can be the difference between seeing your mate’s wet shoes parked half on the rug and half off the rug and thinking “GAWD, what a slob! He’s never careful with our wood floors!” or thinking something lighter like “Hmmm, look at that. He’s making such an effort to get the x,y,z task accomplished outside even in the rain.” 

One approach automatically gives the benefit of the doubt…and likely with an internal stance that the relationship is much more important than the floor. The other approach automatically reverts to the Core Negative Image of this person as “a slob.”

Even if he’s messy, untidy, or doesn’t prioritize keeping the wood floor dry… thinking in that way, even about tiny things can make it MUCH harder to work a repair that actually lasts..when more important issues arise. Build-up of the Core Negative Image over time ensures the pairing will have a very difficult time truly resolving anything.

Some people revert to perspective arguing to “resolve conflict.”

It never works. Perspective arguing is ALWAYS a losing strategy. And while it can come naturally, most of us want the other person to understand us, and it seems to “make sense” as the way to resolve things,  it is not effective!

In fact, when two people spend time taking turns explaining themselves, they walk away even more entrenched in their own way of thinking. There’s research proving this. Perspective arguing does not build rapport, respect, or understanding. 

In addition, perspective arguing often leads to an escalation of the conflict, and just serves to underscore the CNI.

In these instances, it’s common for individuals to have fantasy conversations with the other person.

Think about it.

Have you ever revisited an exchange again and again, thinking through what you wish you’d said?

Or maybe you’ve imagined an exchange long before it ever happens. Have you practiced what you’ll say and predicted the response?

Some people do so much imaginary communicating, they think they’ve actually already had the conversation. 

All of it, just ADDS to the Core Negative Image that’s rattling around in someone’s head.

Sad thing, no matter how well-intended you are, it’s nearly impossible to prevent someone else’s CNI of you! You cannot control their perception. 

The best bet? Resolve conflict well.

So, what happens when you DO resolve conflict well?

Everyone has their idea of how to do this better. Those ideas include communicating better, or explaining themselves more or explaining more clearly. Some people think it means learning to talk to their mate in a way the other has a better chance of hearing. Some people think it means trying harder. Or avoiding conflict more effectively to begin with.

All of that is important to some degree. So, yes to all of it.

It’s not where we start, though.

Why?

Because it doesn’t prevent Empathy Gridlock or genuinely get two people beyond their conflict as quickly as possible. What will?

Easy Conflict Resolution

When you do resolve conflict well, there are three simple steps.

  1. One or the other person offers a repair.
  2. The recipient accepts the offer for repair, if not immediately, then eventually. (Sooner is better than later.)
  3. The repair works! Effectively. Completely. 

When I say the repair works, I mean it does repair the relationship: it restores good feeling between the two, and it brings them back to peace and relational joy. In fact, accomplishing a complete repair instills more confidence in the relationship and it brings people closer.

The overall health of the relationship is apparent in HOW they manage and resolve the conflict.

The healthiest relationships work an effective repair in about 20 minutes.

Believe it or not, that’s about how long it takes for two healthy, mature people to be responsible and honest about their own stuff, to be vulnerable with one another, and to discover they still, yes, they still have a safe, cherishing, loving haven of a relationship with one another. 

I know that seems like very short order, and it truly is. Keep in mind this is between two whole human adults who have healed their residual trauma and have a good mastery over their core issues. 

They have done the healing work and they show up, ready for healthy relationship.

Lots of us have experienced that it can take days, even weeks, before there’s any movement toward peace. And look, you can’t control the other person, but you can do what you can do and then be genuinely at peace with your efforts. No matter what kind of relationship it is. No matter what kind of response you get.

So eventually, yes, what happens between two healthy adults is that they work through a conflict easily and responsibly in quite short order. This means between workmates, between friends, between parents and grown children, between siblings, as well as in intimate partnerships.

How are you doing resolving conflict?

If you don’t know how to do this, or you keep running into frustrations, I can help with that. Obviously, I’m not the only one who can do this, but I’d love to join you. 

I can’t think of a thing on the planet more important than helping people have truly healthy relationships. It’s what I do. I do this all day long. Every day. In every way I can think of making that contribution.

Why?

Because it’s JOYFUL. Literally. Full of joy. For me and for my clients.

Experiencing relational joy, not just a fleeting feeling here or there, is truly joyful and good. Real peace and harmony in relationships of all kinds is the absolute foundation to a happy, healthy, long, enjoyable, productive life. (There’s research on that as well- google the longest running Harvard Study on Happiness.)

Relationship conflict during the holidays can make everything worse.

Since there’s so much emphasis on family, on togetherness, and so many parties or gatherings or events to attend, gifts to buy, and so much cooking, and baking, and (around here at least) so much food to make and eat and give….

pressure can build up.

This is definitely the season when the state of our relationships is most evident. Unresolved conflict can feel even heavier.

Even if you don’t have a ton going on, it can be a low mood time of the year.

Darker days, colder temps, less daylight can all add to the challenges of the holiday season.

I don’t suggest starting big relationship work during the holidays. Wait to get to work until after the first of the year. Whether there’s a primary love relationship that needs to be much better. or you’re experiencing conflict in other relationships, you don’t have to ADD the stress of trying to change things right now.

But here’s what I can help with NOW:

  • If you want to get started identifying the patterns in a relationship and explore types of repair in your particular situation, we can do that.
  • If you’d like to prepare for a gathering, an encounter, a situation or circumstance, we can do that.
  • If you’d like some extra warmth and support because you’re feeling the loss of someone dear to you, I’m here for you.
  • If Seasonal Affective symptoms or depression are flaring, let’s address that.
  • If you’d like to set the groundwork for goals to meet in the New Year, we can get started on that now.
  • If you’d like to do a one-off, or a reset, or a refresh, we can do that right now.

I opened up more sessions on my calendar this week if you want to jump in. GO HERE to Schedule.

I’m looking forward to hearing more about what is going on for you. I’ll let you know exactly how I can help. Resolving conflict is a skill you definitely need. No matter where it applies, there’s a good solution. Let’s…BOOK NOW 

 

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Lots of people ask the question “does marriage counseling work?”

The answer depends on what you mean by “work”. Does it help? Will you grow?
Will it save your sanity or help you make a decision about staying or splitting?

Absolutely YES!

Will it save your marriage? I gave a complex answer HERE, but ultimately that answer is maybe… for the most part, yes… if you do the work. (It’s still a tricky answer isn’t it? Sorry about that, but it’s what I really see.) I cover in that article the ONE thing that will certainly cost you your marriage. And I wrote HERE about the two things you must have in order for marriage counseling to work to save your marriage. 

Will marriage counseling teach you about perspective, about skills within relationship, and about how to be a better mate?

Yes. If marriage counseling is any good at all, it will definitely cover those things.

Most Marriage Counseling will help with that.

But good marriage counseling (honestly, the only kind worth investing in) will get to the heart of what keeps coming up as a recurring conflict and a distressing pattern in your relationship. Good marriage counseling will address the parts in you and in the relationship that resist using those skills or being a better mate when it’s hard. That’s where the rubber meets the road.

After all, if you could just do what you know would work in the relationship, you wouldn’t need someone else to help you. 

You don’t need Relationship Skills

Not yet, anyway. You probably already have plenty of those.

You can read all about the Five Love Languages, about your Love Tank, or learning each other’s Love Maps and the Sound Relationship House. Studying about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will definitely predict a relationship’s demise. You can read all the self-help and personal development ever published. (Actually maybe you can’t given that there are so.many.books on the subject, but you know what I mean).

What ALL of those sources cannot supply is enough leverage to do the real growing needed for YOU, in particular, to show up differently in your relationship, in real time, and in real life. Especially when you feel triggered and challenged. If everything were just smooth sailing, a marriage relationship would be easy, wouldn’t it?

Reading books also cannot supply your partner with motivation to change.

That’s what good marriage counseling helps you uncover together.

Good marriage counseling is a process of working together- all three of us- to address core issues. Good marriage counseling will provide support along with sustained motivation to continue forward progress. 

You also don’t need Conflict-resolution Skills

All the knowledge in the world about conflict-resolution skills is not going to matter in the moment.

This isn’t something you do just because you have an awareness of your go-to stance and the pattern in your relationship. 

Every single one of us takes our go-to stance for a very good reason and knowing the reason does not shift its power in the moment. We don’t resolve conflicts just by knowing why we do something or why our partner does something and then simply learning a different skill.

Many counselors start by teaching conflict resolution, improving communication, and even uncovering why you do what you do in relationships. That can be fascinating. It seems like the answer. But going that route is much more work and, in fact, it takes a lot longer than truly effective marriage counseling.  

Here’s what does work

You need to know how to shift from your go-to stance to a more helpful perspective and movement when conflict arises. 

Knowing how to shift happens when we get to the core of the need for that go-to stance and then effectively replace that need at a very deep level with something that serves the individual and the relationship. That’s what really makes a difference in how you show up in relationship.

This is core-level transformation and it’s actually much easier than it sounds. But you must have a good marriage counselor using the right powerful methods. 

And don’t worry; this is not about being a different type of person. You don’t have to worry about losing yourself or surrendering your identity. Good marriage counseling is really about being a healthier version of yourselves.

The one thing that doesn’t work in marriage counseling:

Talk therapy.

Doing talk therapy around marriage issues will not work. You do not need to rehearse and rehash your complaints. Marriage Counseling is not a place for unbridled self-expression, tattling on your partner for all their misdeeds and perceived misdeeds, or playing whack-a-mole with each topic of contention that arises.

A marriage counselor is not a facilitator or referee. She’s not someone to help you hash out each disagreement you’ve been having about who does what labor around the house, for example.

Those issues are merely a symptom of what’s going on in the relationship and a good marriage counselor does not need you to replay conflicts or arguments. 

Specific issues may serve as salient examples of core issues. So we WILL talk about what’s going on.

You just won’t be able to use a good marriage counselor as a referee. You also won’t be able to spend time doing with the counselor what you normally do at home. That’s a waste of everyone’s investment of time, energy, and your money.

Making Marriage Counseling effective

Here’s how good marriage counseling works here:

I’ll assess the negative patterns in your relationship.

We’ll talk about how you’re made and how you move through the world.

We’ll talk about your core issues.

One of our first goals is to do no more harm. To the relationship, to ourselves, and to one another. We’ll cover exactly how to do that with respect for both of you.

Then, we get down to the work of repairing what’s broken between you with core-level transformation and researched, evidence-based methods that heal. You. Your partner. And the relationship.

Good Marriage Counseling is not neutral 

We ALL have core issues, so it’s not a matter of your partner being the one with “the issues”. Having issues is central to being human. We respect that. (In fact, it’s part of what we embrace as part of Whole Human Therapy. You don’t have to geek out about the theory, but you can explore more at that link if you want.)

One of you may, however, be doing more damage to the relationship than the other. A good marriage counselor will see that clearly and proceed skillfully with appropriate support and challenge. Effective, good intervention from the counselor is a combination of tender regard for the adaptations and behaviors we humans employ, and the ability to hold a firm standard about what it means to be relational. 

After all, when you do couples work, the relationship becomes the client. Together we work on the relationship. Our collective end-goal is to create a loving relationship that honors, nourishes, and fulfills both members of it.

Good marriage counseling is not about being permissive or neutral regarding doing damage to the relationship. And it holds space for both of you while holding each of you accountable. It’s an art as much as science. You are going to need someone highly skilled with this.

In addition, there ARE conditions that may need to be addressed before good couples work can take effect. I wrote about all of them right here. A good marriage counselor won’t gloss over those. As soon as she’s aware of them, she’ll broach them in session. With care, of course. With strength and the firmness a good marriage counselor can implement.

Does Marriage Counseling ever Not Work?

Unfortunately, it IS possible for marriage counseling to be ineffective. There ARE marriage counselors out there who are good people, well-intended, but not very skilled. Some counselors take only a surface-level approach because that’s either what they’re comfortable handling or they just haven’t done deeper work themselves. Other couples counselors are skilled at thinking through things. But thinking only gets you so far when it comes to love.

And hey, you and your partner might prefer to do work sheets and study one another’s Love Maps, or to concentrate on what IS working, or demonstrate love and care through effortful application of the Love Languages or some other target behavior change. You might really like applying IFS (Internal Family Systems) or using an Imago model. Maybe you really are looking for your relationship to solve issues of attachment and dysregulation. You might like the appeal of working on more emotional engagement and being more attuned to one another.  Emotion Focused Couples Therapy sounds like a lovely promise, doesn’t it?

Those are all modalities for couples work that I am well-versed in and do not use because I’ve found something much more effective. 

Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely will work on ALL the parts that make your marriage more relational and fulfilling for both of you. We all support that end-goal.

But, surface-level, brain-based, or behavioral change approaches just don’t permanently solve any real problems.

You do not have to make this more complicated than necessary.

You don’t have to waste time, energy, or money trying everything else.

And if you’re considering marriage counseling, then getting to the bottom of those problems, actually healing them, and then crafting a solution- one you can implement in the moment- is imperative.

Most of my clients are really smart. They have worked hard to succeed. Maybe they’ve tried several approaches already. They have significant knowledge and they have done a lot of growing. All of that is good. I honor ALL of those efforts and ALL of that growth.

Still, something is coming up in their primary relationship that feels too frustrating, too familiar, and threatens, not just their marriage, but their very happiness as well.

Is that you? I can help.

If you’re ready for something that really moves the needle and works long-term in your primary love relationship, get on my schedule for a FREE consultation call. I am eager to hear what’s going on for you and I’ll let you know exactly how I can help.

BOOK NOW

 

Can this marriage be saved?

We ask “can this marriage be saved?” but a more appropriate question might be “should this marriage be saved?”

Let me tell you a story. (Don’t like stories? Skip to the next bold headline.)

I read the Ladies’ Home Journal column of the same title: Can this Marriage Be Saved? start to finish, religiously, just as soon as the magazine arrived for my mom…by the time I was eleven.

Maybe I intuitively knew by then that my parents’ marriage was on the rocks. Though they stayed married another 15 years, I now know that it was, indeed, doomed by the time I was reading that column.

My parents stayed together until my youngest brother finished college. And if that was a conscious choice, they never told any of us about the decision.

Consequently, we simply got to see them endlessly unhappy.

The tension was palpable. They weren’t fighters, but occasionally we’d hear their muffled “discussions” knocking from their bedroom. I remember losing respect for them as a teenager thinking “they are both lovely, intelligent, educated people.” Of course, I loved them both and I was incredibly frustrated seeing them so miserable. “If they can’t figure out how to have a good marriage, what chance do ANY of us have?!”

Listen, my parents lasted 41 years, made 11 children, and lived on three different continents during their time together. Some might see success in that. Or even deeper tragedy. For me, that distinction no longer matters, though it certainly did during my childhood and teen years and loooong after they split.

Make no mistake, your unhappy marriage is affecting the people around you. It’s especially affecting your children. And if you can’t figure it out, it will become their challenge. So…

Should your marriage be saved?

If you ask most couples counselors (myself included) Can this marriage be saved? the answer is going to be yes. I said that very thing RIGHT HERE. Pretty much any marriage can be saved. (The further question might be, why save it? and at what cost?) 

Look, we are used to couples counselors, therapists, and relationship experts saying they don’t take sides, they won’t tell you what to do, that the decision to go or to stay is with you. And it is, ultimately. No therapist can make you do things, nor should they actually try. (In the biz, we call that detachment from outcome. It’s your life, not mine. Always.)

But a good couples counselor ought to provide adequate insight into what it will take to repair what is broken between you. A good marriage counselor can teach you what healthy relationship actually is and how it functions. They should be able to detect when your uphill battle is a waste of effort. Plus, they ought to SHARE that information with you, not keep it to themselves.

Keep in mind, with strong enough motivation from both parties, it is possible to heal just about any relationship.

Humans have been intentionally healing from the most heinous trauma for decades, even centuries. Methods are more effective than ever. So, there’s hope. Yet, no one is obligated to do the work of healing and getting healthy. And many people on the planet exercise their right to remain untreated. I’m good with that. Even as a licensed couples counselor!

It’s healthy if you are too. So…

What will it take to save your marriage?

Number one, accept the fact that you cannot alter another person’s will. Each individual on the planet gets to decide. Accepting this will save you a TON of pain and wasted effort. This also means you don’t get to dictate how someone ought to heal or cope. If they choose to leave, save yourself added pain and humiliation and let them go. (Read tips about how to let go if that’s hard to do.)

Two, learn what it means to be responsible for yourself. Tending to your own healing is all the work you need to do. You cannot do someone else’s healing work for them. It’s not your job. If letting go in this way and focusing on yourself is difficult (I know it can be; I help people with this all the time) be sure you get professional help. Then be certain that helper does not let you spend your time together focused on the other person.

Finally, get the right kind of support in real life. Don’t reiterate your pain to friends and family. You’ll not only ruin relationships, but you’ll make yourself even more miserable. I call this rehearsing your pain and people do it all the time. It gets them stuck. Then, tell your professional support team the truth. If you present two faces (or more) it will make it harder for them to help. (See point two above and read about a good therapy relationship HERE.)

So, when is saving the marriage truly hopeless?

If both of you are willing to invest in the relationship (and when I say invest, I really mean willing to stay in the relationship) then there’s just ONE thing that will prevent a happier relationship. Here it is:

If you’re waiting for the other person to change, or do more, or stop doing something, your marriage is doomed, done-for, over, hopeless. If you CAN’T STOP waiting for that, you may as well get divorced right this minute. I mean this emphatically.

I know it can be tough to stop waiting, wishing, or trying to coerce the other person to change, but good couples counseling (and good individual counseling) will address this objective.

What needs to be addressed first?

In addition, many professionals won’t tell you this, but there are conditions that make good couples work utterly impossible. We call them contraindications for couples counseling. That means their existence works directly against the process done in marriage counseling, so there really is no point to attempting marriage counseling unless these conditions are addressed effectively. Keep in mind, these are very challenging obstacles. Treating them is not hopeless, just very difficult. They have to be addressed, not completely solved before couples work can be effective.

They are, in no particular order of significance:

Physical abuse.

If either one of you get so triggered you cannot control your impulses and you lash out physically, this requires intervention before any progress can be made. Period. It’s not complicated.

Addiction.

This can be process or substance addiction. It could be porn, gambling, shopping, television, food, alcohol, or another substance. But if it goes unaddressed, there’s no point to doing couples work together. Read that list again. Capacity for moderation is necessary before relationship repair can happen. In addition, the individual must be willing and working on it; they don’t have to be perfect, they just have to be honest and responsible. Addiction is rife with relapse, so be realistic.

Personality Disorders.

These notably include Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline, Histrionic, Dependent, Avoidant, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorders. I’m listing these in particular because there is some hope of treating these conditions. However, treatment requires invested long-term effort, effective and focused help, dedication from the affected person, as well as a team of support people in order for enough stabilization to warrant working on a relationship.

What doesn’t eliminate good couples work?

Mood Disorders like Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar, or Dysthymia are not on the list of contraindications. However, the presence of these conditions creates a very real, dynamic challenge and these also need to be treated and addressed. Increasing quality of life with a mood disorder (hence, availability for relationship) takes concentrated treatment and dedication, much like living with a chronic disease.

Did you also notice that infidelity is not on my list? Many couples counselors will not see a couple if there is an active affair. But I do things differently here. You can read about my approach to Infidelity Treatment here.

“So, you’re telling me there’s a chance?”

There is a chance and sometimes that chance is one in a million, just like the line from Dumb and Dumber. (And if you recognize the line and remember its context, we could probably be friends.) But seriously, let’s just say NONE of the above conditions of physical abuse, addiction, or a personality disorder is present; working on your relationship can still be very difficult.

Saving a marriage and creating a healthy one can take a huge investment of time, energy, and money.

You will waste all that energy if you hire the wrong person or try to engage someone who is not a specialist. If you hire someone who can’t identify or won’t tell you that you or your partner have issues requiring attention before engaging more couples work, then you’ve chosen someone who is not even qualified to do marriage counseling.

If there’s infidelity (historical, recent, or active) and you hire someone who doesn’t specialize in treating infidelity, you’re also wasting your efforts.

When you hire a couples counselor, you need someone who has the skills and qualifications to actually help you.

Is it worth it?

Absolutely. You know I’m going to say YES! Even if just one of you is willing to grow and heal, it is worth everything you invest in it. No matter if the other person does their work or not. That’s true even if you don’t manage to stay married.

That’s because really good marriage counseling pays dividends that last forever and reverberate out from you. What you experience and learn will serve you in being able to create and enjoy a cherishing relationship. This one or the next. And that’s priceless. For you, your children, and all the other people around you.

Look, my parents didn’t have psychiatric issues, addiction, or physical abuse present in their relationship. I’m really grateful for that because those additional concerns create incredible familial chaos and add an enormous burden for all those around them.

But my parents were stubborn. They did each insist that the other was wrong and needed to change. Ultimately, that unwillingness to be wholly responsible for themselves was their undoing.

It took a lot longer than necessary for me to figure that out, or to be able to create and enjoy healthy love in my own life. But I’ve done it and I know how to help others get there faster.

Truth is, it’s only hard until it isn’t anymore. After that, it’s all gravy. 

If you’re willing- even if you’re the only one who’s ready- we can do some amazing work together. Get on my call schedule and let’s chat. You’ll be so glad you got a chance to explore what doing relational work will mean for you. And don’t worry, it includes a TON more joy and playfulness than you imagine. That’s part of the medicine. 

Let’s talk soon.

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PS. Just to clarify

My parents staying together until all of us were through college was NOT the worst choice they could have made. They did their best with what they had and I am not one bit bitter about their choices. I see and salute their humanity. (Being able to do that is a result of having done my own work!)

In fact, the older I get, the more I find to be grateful for in the home, example, structure, challenges, and inspiration they provided for me and my siblings.

Definitely true: they inspired me at a very young age- in ways I didn’t yet understand- to get very good at this job. I love so much being able to help others have healthy, happy relationships. It’s an added joy that I get to live in my own cherishing, healthy relationship. That’s because I chose to do the work after lots of trial and error trying to figure it out on my own.

You don’t have to spend any more time trying to figure it out. Get on my call schedule and let’s see about getting you some answers. 

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Affair Recovery is Possible

When people discover an affair or decide to come clean, they often ask “Is affair recovery even possible?”

If this is you, don’t pay attention right now to friends, family, social media, or the internet on this one. There are a million negative opinions and they all spout off without any real wisdom on the topic. Remember, you’re an adult, it’s your relationship and your life. You get to make your own decision for your situation.

And if you’re reading this, then there’s a part of you that hopes recovery after an affair really is possible.

Of course Affair Recovery is Possible

Most people don’t choose it. I’ll explain.

But first, some sobering stats: infidelity occurs in fifty percent of committed relationships. Fifty percent! It’s staggeringly common. Maybe that’s surprising, or depressing, but it’s the truth and what is means is: you’re not alone. This is a human experience. Guess what else? Fully two thirds of people STAY together after infidelity…without professional intervention.

So, what do I mean when I say most people don’t choose to recover after an affair?

I mean they don’t do the work to actually heal individually, take complete responsibility for themselves and their actions, (I’m talking both people individually- not waiting for the other person to “shape up”) and they don’t want to actually learn and practice the skills it takes to show up differently for healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

It’s work.

Humans are designed to conserve energy, to rely on coping mechanisms, and to survive. We are biological beings, after all. But we are so much more than that.

I get it. Infidelity is a heart-crushing blow. It threatens to undo everything. It’s so disorienting! It will rock your world like nothing else.

It’s understandable if work is the last thing you want right now.

We all have our natural response to a threat or crisis. Maybe you run away. (Your automatic response is “Nope. Once a cheater…”) Maybe you fight. (You argue, insult, yell, tell everyone, throw things, retaliate.) Could be you’re like me and you freeze, trying to avoid the “unpleasantness” or you prefer to pretend nothing happened and just keep moving. And maybe, like many people, you try to protect yourself by doing all the things to preserve the relationship and hope this will never happen again.

We call those four responses to threat: fight, flight, fawn, and freeze.

Yet some people choose to actually rise to the occasion.

Despite this enormous heart wound, some people really do want to recover. Fully. Not just sweep this under the rug, not merely hang on until the pain lessens a bit, not move on to the next relationship, but truly recover.

Those willing to rise to the occasion and do their work are the clients I love to serve.

The First Question to Ask

The discovery of an affair is excruciating for the betrayed partner. The disclosure of unfaithful behavior is also painful for the offender. It draws the entire relationship into question. Each person questions the character of their partner…and themselves. They ask “How could you do this?” or “How could I do this?” and “What is wrong with you?” or “What is wrong with me?”

While those are natural first questions, (and you will come up with answers) they aren’t the most helpful questions to ask. And they aren’t helpful or healthy because the information you come up with doesn’t give you anything good to work with.

The very best question is: how do I recover from this? Notice you’re not asking if the relationship can be saved or if it’s worth it. You’re asking “How do I recover from this?”

Asking the best question will lead you to discover real help. (Hi, nice to meet you.) For more on why asking the right questions matters to your brain, check this out.

Affair Recovery is Different Here

That’s because we go through a five stage process that minimizes your pain and suffering while it moves you forward. You won’t get stuck in the pain. But you will learn constructive things to do with it.

We use an approach that respects your natural response to stress while equipping you with the strength it takes to get through this tough time.

That’s why it makes no sense for you to consult friends, family, SM, or the internet for guidance right now. The loudest voices out there are probably not the ones that honor the way you’re made and how you move through the world. And you deserve that kind of individualized attention, especially right now.

How long does Affair Recovery take?

Of course you want to know if this intense suffering is going to become your new norm. Of course you want the fastest way through the worst of this.

“Experts” say it takes 2-5 years to recover after an affair. Now, they don’t mean 2-5 years in active couples therapy. At least, let’s hope not! They mean some time in couples therapy and then years on your own. That’s too long in my book. (Read more on the timeline for recovery.)

Still, with so many people attempting to “get over” this without professional help, it’s easy to see why that’s the average statistic. But it doesn’t have to take that long. At all.

We’ll get to work making the shifts that give you the most relief right away. I’ll teach you how to decrease your suffering and be sure you’re not making it worse for yourself, the other person, or the relationship.

Even if you’re not sure if the relationship is viable, YOU deserve to fully recover. Let me help. Click on the Connect button, so we can get a call scheduled within 24 hours.

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Staying Motivated

There IS a secret to staying motivated and it is completely within your control. That’s the good news. Putting the secret to work to benefit you takes just a little conscious effort on your part. (For you super-lazy people, that’s the bad news.)

For the rest of us, staying motivated is actually easier than you think right now. And sure, some of your “anchor” reminders or aspirational images truly may help you focus on where you’re going. I won’t say that’s complete hogwash. After all, I am often caught saying “we have in our lives exactly what we believe we deserve.” And I stand by that. So those anchors and aspirational images actually do help you envision what you deserve…as long as they are not accompanied by an inner dialogue that completely negates everything they stand for.

If you look at that anchor photo of the beautiful house you will afford, or the lovey-dovey couple joyously cavorting on the beach in their elder years, or the svelte model in the exact jumpsuit you have hanging in your closet waiting for you to drop 15 pounds…and you say to yourself “fat chance, sucker, who do you think you are? That’s not you; you’ll never get there…”

…well, it’s not the image or anchor that needs to change. It’s your inner dialogue that needs to adjust so your motivation has some staying power! And the key to staying motivated is shifting your inner dialogue.

Shift the Inner Dialogue to stay motivated

Psychology Today did an article on Silencing your Inner Critic several months ago. Since I keep the magazine in my lobby at Luwandi Counseling and Coaching here in Cincinnati, I observe what people pick up. Other issues have been recycled, but reprints of that one article has been requested more than any other.

Maybe part of the reason is that I talk about this in sessions. It relates to being gentle, (a theme song everyone who knows me hears over and over) and it’s one of the best ways to stay motivated when the rest of therapy (or life) is a struggle.

Why on earth are we hard on ourselves?

Many of us think it’s what actually gets us motivated and moving. That’s rarely authentically true. Usually there is fear under the harshness and well, fear just is NOT as good as faith (or love and respect.) Ask any kid who ever had a harsh parent.

Did that harshness really engender respect and make any child a better person? I have met adults who heard that harshness and gritted their teeth and vowed to prove that parent, coach, or teacher wrong! But it was anger that motivated, not the harshness itself.

Sure, I’ve had clients who internalized the harshness and passed that harshness, critical, and bitter bile onto their children, hurting the generation to follow. But no one was better for it.

And yes, fear keeps us running for a while. All of us have imagined wolves or rabid dogs (of some sort) chasing and nipping at our heels and it DID keep us moving and striving. But it’s exhausting after a bit. It’s super exhausting after years… or decades.

It’s time you put down the harshness and fear and realized it just does not serve you anymore.

There is a better way!

Shift your inner dialogue from harsh to caring (not permissive or anything goes, don’t worry!) I know at first it can feel like you’re hiking cliff-side without guard rails, but You have Got this! (I say that even though I secretly think that phrase is so overused!)

But seriously… get a hold of yourself, keep your eyes in front of you. Resist the fear and just proceed one step after the other.

Notice when your inner dialogue gets harsh. It happens any time you call yourself names, when you disparage your efforts, or label your behavior as worthy of disdain. First notice, and then replace it with something you can believe.

Replace the inner critic with a Cheerleader

I’m talking the kind of cheerleader you can believe. Which means you don’t go from zero to a thousand if your mind is just going to laugh at you. Begin in gentle increments. But begin.

You’re not an idiot. You’re not a slob or gross or a klutz or hopeless. Start with easy phrases like “you got this” if you can believe it. Encourage yourself with soothing, encouraging phrases you might tell a small child. Cheer yourself with things you’d say to a very dearest friend. Be GOOD to you.

Just a note

Yes, being good to you IS different than being indulgent. In my office, I like to talk about waking up your true self, the “Gentle, Benevolent Observer” who is really your higher self, your higher consciousness, the higher self, your functional adult…all the same part of each of us as humans. You’ll recognize her when she acts like her name. You’ll know him when he shows up performing the duties his name describes. Get in touch with THAT part of you. It’s the YOU who prevails, succeeds, breaks habits, makes new ones, and reaches the goals your heart desires.

Need help with that? Of course, reach out. Shoot me a message on the contact page or JOIN the Insider’s Club and get my Love Letters.

 

Relationship Patterns Busted

We all establish relationship patterns, sometimes without realizing it. Even when you’re aware you’re doing the same dance (or experiencing the same frustrations) it can be hard to see things clearly from the inside.

Maybe one day you suddenly realize you’re doing all the reaching out. You text and call. You initiate contact. You come up with fun ideas for what to do together. It’s never the other person.

Or you realize you just can’t seem to get what you need no matter what you’ve done to make those needs known. It’s almost like you’re speaking a foreign language. If only you could feel heard. You try harder and get even less!

It could be you’ve loaned more money or paid for an outing or bent over backwards to help and had the same person fade or withdraw over and over. In your frustration, you realize they only surface when they need something. Next time they appear, you appreciate feeling needed, (and you’ve missed them) so once again you give, only to have them do the same thing when they get what they came for.

Your pattern might be something different entirely. Like the more you want connection and ask for it, the more she withdraws. Maybe the more you treat him like a child, the more irresponsible he becomes.

It can take time and insight to recognize relationship patterns.

It’s easy for other people to see what you’re doing. And not so easy to make sense of it or see it clearly when you are the one (or two) doing the dance.

Even if you recognize yourself in one of the above descriptions, (or any other recurrent pattern) it can be tough catching yourself in the middle of it. Besides that, from the inside of the dance you may think you look a whole lot different on the outside.

(Hint, hint, you probably DO look a whole lot crazier to other people, especially those who have witnessed the relationship pattern over and over and over. Remember, just because you look crazy doesn’t mean you ARE. You’re just stuck repeatedly doing something that’s not working.)

Avoiding your relationship patterns’ trap

Ever heard the sidewalk analogy? Your relationship pattern is like a hole in the sidewalk. At first, you just walk down the familiar sidewalk and fall right in.

You might wonder why it’s suddenly so dark and damp, pitiful, and well, kinda gross-smelling in there. But, it’s familiar. You’ve been here before. And the other person is down there in the muck with you. After slipping and sliding a bit, (or a lot) you each claw your way out of the hole, sometimes over the tops of each other.

Next time, you know the hole is there and MAYBE you find a way to go around it. But it’s like a magnetic vortex. You get scooped off your feet and fall down it again. Whoops!

Soon, however, you are recognizing the hole and you develop enough strength to resist its magnetic pull. You deliberately walk out and around it. (Cool!)

The real win comes when you recognize the sidewalk and find a different route entirely. Bonus: the alternate route not only avoids the slimy, slippery hole, it gets you where you really want to be a whole lot faster and without all the slime, stink, and muck of the hole, not to mention there’s zero clawing on the way out.

Shifting the pattern

Picking a different sidewalk requires some serious skill. Usually there are reasons that darn hole is magnetic. Most people need a map, a guide, or a coach watching from the outside who can help them see and understand the pattern, build the strength to resist its pull, and find a suitable alternate route.

Don’t do this alone. You already know falling into the hole is zero fun. There’s no need to spend extra time standing out there on the sidewalk arguing about which way to go.

I know it can be humbling to ask for directions. I know some of you even like your sidewalk. It’s familiar at least, maybe it’s comforting in some way, perhaps it pays off sometimes. (For example, when you beg for attention, sometimes you get it. When you chastise him, maybe he behaves for a bit.)

For some of you, admitting you need an outside perspective is the biggest hurdle. But you know the sidewalk you’re choosing does not lead where you want to be. You know you need directions.

Still, it can be a risk to trust someone else with your life and relationship patterns. You want your investment to pay off, not lead down another dead-end street. I get it.

You could ask any and every passer-by for directions, but a wiser approach is to get a good map. Better yet, hire a personal guide. Heck, you might even need a skilled coach to help you stay out of that hole.

I want to be that kind of effective help for you. Let’s talk and get you on a path that leads to the kind of life and relationship you really want.

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