“Affair Recovery Tips” might sound like a shallow promise, but now more than ever, it’s important that you do not increase your own suffering. You’re probably doing some things that increase and intensify your pain without even realizing it. More than me telling you to STOP DOING THAT, here’s what to do instead:
Affair Recovery Tip Number ONE: Ask the right questions.
You’re probably obsessed with the wrong ones. What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? What on earth does he/she see in the affair partner? Or what happened? How could this happen to us? How did we get here? What kind of a person does this to their mate?! How did I not know?! Maybe you’re even asking: what is wrong with me that I let this happen?!
Of course, you have those questions. Those questions are a logical, natural response. Just try to loosen your grip on them because the answers simply will NOT help. In fact, spending time asking them (in your mind or of your mate) will help you get stuck there. And wasting time on those questions will absolutely increase and intensify your suffering.
That’s because your brain WILL answer the questions you give it. I wrote more about how the brain works finding answers and why it’s important to ask the right questions in this previous article.
Simply put, if you’re asking what is wrong (with him, her, the marriage, you) then THOSE are the questions you’ll get answers for. And there’s plenty wrong with everyone and everything if that’s what your brain is on a mission to find. It can be quite endless, actually, but most importantly, it just won’t help.
In fact, it hurts. Primarily it hurts YOU by intensifying your pain and negative perspective. If you have any hope of saving the relationship, this approach will make it even harder to work things out. Most importantly, it prolongs your suffering and keeps your brain spinning on seeking information that won’t help you recover.
If you hope to recover after an affair, do this:
More than trying to STOP those recurring questions, CONSTRUCT better, more helpful ones. Here’s how:
Start with the most important longing right now. Is it to decrease your pain? Be able to concentrate? Be able to trust again? Get through this? Return to a happier time? Interact without getting triggered?
Even if your heart’s longing seems WAY far off right now, use it to form a more helpful question by putting a “how” in front of it.
How can I decrease my pain? How can I concentrate today? How will I be able to trust again? How can I get through this? How do we get through this? How can I return to a happier time? How do I manage my triggers?
Guess what? All of those things are actually productive questions. The answers to those questions (which your brain will seek answers to at every turn) will give you some productive, helpful information you can act on.
And don’t worry, you WILL find answers to those questions. You have to. It’s how your brain works.
Every time you notice yourself asking one of the first questions, gently notice and replace it with one of your helpful how questions.
Here’s an example of how this works:
You think “how could he have done this to me?!” You notice and think, “ahh, that’s not helpful. Hmmm, what can I ask instead?” It may take a minute, but you CAN replace that unhelpful question with something better. Maybe it’s as simple as “how do I stop obsessing about his motives?” Maybe it’s as big a shift as “How do I get back to feeling confident?”
The right questions ARE helpful and you will get answers, ideas, and insights from a variety of sources. That’s how your brain works. When you ask the right questions, you get useful information that will actually help you recover.
Affair Recovery Tip Number TWO: Stop rehearsing your pain.
That’s what I call it when you can’t stop telling the story. You talk through it again and again. Maybe you’re on the phone or can’t stay focused on a task at work or while you’re out socially and the topic reverts to the story of the betrayal. Maybe you mention it lightly in conversation, even to complete strangers. If you don’t nip this in the bud, the betrayal can become your identity. Don’t let that happen.
Look, it’s natural to want everyone to know what a complete cad he is, how terrible “they” are, and how very wronged you’ve been. It just isn’t helpful for your recovery. Right now, while you’re navigating your own pain, don’t ADD to it by rehearsing, reinforcing, and repeating the story of your pain.
This INCLUDES doing this in therapy. Time, energy, and money spent getting help from a professional ought to bring you actual relief. Your therapist ought to help you learn how to manage the pain and stress of betrayal, not make it worse for you by allowing you to reinforce the pain of this thing that has happened. If you have a therapist who allows this, ask for skills to cope. If they don’t respond by providing them, find a new therapist, one who specializes in affair recovery.
Does all this mean you ignore the reality? No. It means you recognize when you are reiterating the same unhelpful narrative. Notice and gently adjust your focus. That brings me to…
Affair Recovery Tip Number THREE: Focus on YOUR healing.
You need and deserve some TLC after a partner cheats. That means real tender, loving care, not necessarily indulgence. I won’t preach against using alcohol or ice-cream to soothe a terrible day, but remember what will actually help.
If you’re not sure what that is, start with this exercise: ask yourself what you already do that brings you joy? (or have EVER done historically) If joy is a reach, ask yourself what you do (or have ever done) that helps you feel strong, confident, productive, successful, alive, vibrant? Seriously, make a list. Write it down. Then make a plan for DOING more of those things on a regular, daily basis.
If you have a tough time with your list, enlist the help of a trusted friend who knows you well. You can ask, “when have you seen me at my best?” Or “when do you think I’ve been happiest?” Or even “what do you think are my greatest strengths?”
At a time when a partner cheats, you’ll benefit from positive input about YOU (not negative input about HIM) so go ahead and seek this from a trusted friend.
Take the information you receive as the starting point for coming up with those things you can DO that help you focus on your own recovery. Then DO them. Regularly.
Finally, Embrace this Time as a Chance to Heal
I know that may sound strange. But this truly is an opportunity to shake up your life, to replace anything that is not serving you, and to go ahead and live full out. No one expects you to get there right now, but keep that end-goal in mind as your objective and you absolutely WILL get there.
Human beings were made to heal. We are powerful, resilient, and adaptable.
Remember, “Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” All humans get wounded in this life. Literally, every single one of us. (If we make it out without some wounding, have we really even lived?!) And yes, having a partner cheat is definitely a whopper of a wound.
Even though it is the most pressing one right now, that wound is probably not the only one you’ve weathered in your life. Maybe you’ve limped along or survived and done pretty well despite what you’ve lived through. Good work! Let this wound be your opportunity to absolutely THRIVE from here on out.
How? Well, start by minimizing your suffering with the above tips. And of course, if you need help and support in that endeavor, find an excellent therapist, not just a good one. Find one who won’t let you sit in your wounded-ness, won’t let you ask the wrong questions, and won’t let you rehearse your pain.
Don’t have an excellent therapist? I volunteer. I’d love to help. Get on my call schedule and let’s get started. I’ll let you know exactly how this works.