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Gentleness is key to habit change

You’ll hear the opposite this time of year, but the key to habit change is not RA, RA, get it gurl! New Year, New You!

Not at all.

Gentleness is really the key to changing any habit: big, small, minute, stubborn, slippery. More than any other mode, gentleness rules the day

But let’s define GENTLENESS.

It’s a key cornerstone in how I work with people. And like my mentor, Terry Real, says “Harshness never did what loving firmness does a thousand times better.”

Harshness, is, in essence, violence. Toward others and inside our minds. We’ve just bought into the idea that violence gives us traction. We’ve sided with brute force because it seems to get things done. ( I mean, it’s violent and it’s movement, so there is that. But it does damage in the meantime.)

Gentleness on the other hand, can be described as loving firmness. It’s the best strength available to humans. It includes an awareness of oneself and it is really the only thing that moves the needle.

The new year and anticipated changes ahead may habit change into focus.

I know you’ve heard from me that New Year’s Resolutions are bunk. They really are NOT an effective way to start fresh or meet goals or change habits. (But we still like doing it!)

Paranthetical insertion: I still remember last year talking with friends at my Arthur Murray dance studio and saying how New Year’s Resolutions do not work and getting quite the push-back from one of the guys. “What do you mean, they don’t work?! How do you set goals then? Who doesn’t make New Year’s Resolutions?!!” He was pretty heated about it.

There are people who absolutely LOVE them! If you’re one of them, I get it.

For all of us, they feel pretty wonderful. They are optimistic and beautiful. They’re so hopeful, and such a lovely marker for adjusting habits we want to change.

But making real change has actual stages (that we’ve researched) so we know what’s truly effective. We know how the human animal makes adjustments and what is, in fact, key to making a lasting habit change. We know what proves most effective in incorporating a lasting adjustment that simply becomes part of life.

Habit change is not really simple or easy. So much has to happen!

Here are the Stages of Change

Precontemplation — this is before a desirable change is even really on our conscious radar. Maybe that’s the time when some nagging way of living is just having an effect on us — like we sorta register maybe feeling a little…off, sluggish, unsatisfied, but that’s it.
Contemplation — this is when we start to THINK about the thing. “Hmmm, Oh, well, that’s a lot of cookies. Or I probably should DO something about my bank account.” Or it could be that something just registers as bothering us: I wish I had better friends. or I don’t think there’s anyone I could call for help at 2 in the morning.
Planning — Perhaps this is self-explanatory. But this is when you make a plan. You think about how you can be successful. You do the mental work of thinking about what needs to be adjusted in order to make the change. (Maybe you think what it might be like to NOT buy whatever you want off Amazon. Maybe you think about what it would be like to actually go outside in January and take a brisk walk in the middle of the day.)
Action — You DO the thing! You move money into your savings. Or you meal prep for the week and then that’s all you eat. You DO the workout. This is you actually doing the new thing.
Maintenance — the time when you sustain the change. It becomes your new normal. You’re in a different groove and routine. Pretty soon, this is your way of doing things. This is the time when identification with this new normal takes root and makes the change so powerful. Now, you the kind of person who…manages her money well, is fit and athletic, lives a healthy lifestyle, whose friendships are deep, meaningful, AND fun!
Relapse — every single person on the planet needs to accept that relapse is part of the process of change. There WILL be times when you waste money again. You ARE going to overeat. Or miss a workout. Definitely gonna be moments of conflict in relationships—of all kinds. This is a NORMAL part of life. And relapse can be a reality without being a REVERT. If one accepts it as part of the process. Then, ya just return to the new normal… and this part is supr important: no shame, no blame, and there’s no need for fear. Just get back to it. (Psssst, Go back to Action).

Okay, now that you’ve seen these stages of change…

Maybe you can see it without me spelling it out. But I’m gonna spell it out: New Year’s Resolutions expect human beings to go from a state of revelry and celebration to suddenly tamping down an enjoyable thing. They are bonkers!

No one really changes anything meaningfully by going from enjoyment to QUITTING! (Not even quitting smoking cold turkey happens suddenly. The successful quitter thinks about it and plans for how he will confront moments previously punctuated with a cigarette. The wise quitter realizes relapse may be part of the equation and instead of this being an excuse to revert to the habit, she simply returns to the intention and action of quitting.)

What is much more effective is paying attention to those areas of life you’ve started contemplating that might need an adjustment. And taking the MONTH of January to think it through, maybe make a plan and… just when everyone else is abandoning their Resolutions, (in February) that might be when YOU decide to start taking action.

At any rate, be GENTLE with yourself. You don’t need to be indulgent or permissive with yourself. I hope you were indulgent over the holiday season and that you ENJOYED yourself immensely! I hope you were gentle with yourself coming back to a more regular schedule after the holidays.

By all means, be gentle with yourself as you walk out whatever behavior change you’re hoping to accomplish. Just don’t skip the stages.

Now YOU get to be gentle with yourself.

No matter what, be gentle with yourself as you attempt to change behavior. Maybe think about the stages of change if there’s anything that needs changing. And also, get in for a session if you need some support in making that change.

Above all, go right ahead and take your time thinking through, planning for, and acting in your best interests.

You got this.

And I’m right here. I got you if there’s anything at all you need. Get on my schedule for a free consultation or book your first session.

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How to Resolve Conflict

Resolving conflict can be a fraught topic. Why is that?

You’re IN your relationships, so the movement, patterns, stresses and joys of them, are something you just DO and HAVE.

But there’s one thing that determines how healthy they actually are. Like most truly valuable things, it’s SIMPLE. You’ve probably heard me say that simple doesn’t automatically translate as EASY, but stick with me.

Ready for it? This is the one thing that determines how healthy your relationships are:

It’s how you resolve conflict.

It’s not the ABSENCE of conflict in relationships that determines their happiness or health. Maybe you’ve heard me say one person made this way, moving through the world like so, with these core issues — plus another person made their way, moving through the world as they do, with their core issues MEANS conflict. Guaranteed.

One human + one human = conflict.

At some point.

It’s inevitable. It’s human. And in fact, it’s psychologically healthy.

BUT! The singular thing that is a barometer of the HEALTH of your relationship is HOW well the two of you navigate conflict.

Here’s what happens when you don’t resolve conflict well:

You both create an undercurrent of unresolved tension. When this builds up over time, I call this Empathy Gridlock. That’s because, ultimately (even when you’re not aware of exactly what that thing is) you each want something from the other, but you’re not getting what you want in the relationship and so, neither of you budge giving the other what they truly want! Hence, Empathy Gridlock.

Sometimes people in this state agree to be miserable together.

Some humans actually stay together in this state for quite a long time. We all know old couples who bicker like children, are general curmudgeons — at least one of them is — and they live out their lives never doing anything different.

But should YOU? I always side with people being as healthy as possible, so my answer to that is, “Oh my goodness, don’t do that when you don’t have to. Why would you!?”

Most of the couples who come to see me are in a state of Empathy Gridlock and we get to work busting the gridlock so they can get back to peace and relational joy.

Some pairings don’t have decades of Empathy Gridlock built up.

Because a lot of my couples are mid-lifers who are re-mating after a divorce, these couples especially want to do something different with this new relationship. They want to be sure they know how to have a healthier version of a committed, loving relationship.

They are smart! They realize it’s easy to fall into old patterns.

The first step is realizing your own tendencies.

What’s your usual way of addressing conflict?

Some people cope with conflict like so:

They avoid.

This is easy to do. Just let the relationship fade away… Let it die on the vine. Wither from neglect. Allow it to shrivel and drop off.

I’ve been guilty of this.

I can be a baby when my desire to avoid overrides a sense of maturity. That’s on me. It can be my tendency, for sure!

I’m not defending it, I just understand it from the inside out! Avoiding conflict is not a way to resolve it, since unresolved conflict can fester…or it can kill a relationship.

(Psssst, there are ALWAYS good reasons avoiding conflict is someone’s go-to response. There are also highly effective ways to truly heal those reasons. I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve grown into being good at resolving conflict. If I can do it, anyone can. I’ll show you how if you decide to explore working together.)

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Others let conflict fester and then add to their own narrative.

This can make the chance for reconciliation even more remote and make the path back even harder. But it’s also a natural thing to do.

This can be where the CNI comes into play. That Core Negative Image of the other is easily expanded and increased with their every move. More and more “evidence” of their flawed nature piles up.

You know what I’m talking about. It can be the difference between seeing your mate’s wet shoes parked half on the rug and half off the rug and thinking “GAWD, what a slob! He’s never careful with our wood floors!” or thinking something lighter like “Hmmm, look at that. He’s making such an effort to get the x,y,z task accomplished outside even in the rain.”

One approach automatically gives the benefit of the doubt…and likely with an internal stance that the relationship is much more important than the floor. The other approach automatically reverts to the Core Negative Image of this person as “a slob.”

Even if he’s messy, untidy, or doesn’t prioritize keeping the wood floor dry… thinking in that way, even about tiny things can make it MUCH harder to work a repair that actually lasts..when more important issues arise. Build-up of the Core Negative Image over time ensures the pairing will have a very difficult time truly resolving anything.

Some people revert to perspective arguing to “resolve conflict.”

It never works. Perspective arguing is ALWAYS a losing strategy. And while it can come naturally, most of us want the other person to understand us, and it seems to “make sense” as the way to resolve things, it is not effective!

In fact, when two people spend time taking turns explaining themselves, they walk away even more entrenched in their own way of thinking. There’s research proving this. Perspective arguing does not build rapport, respect, or understanding.

In addition, perspective arguing often leads to an escalation of the conflict, and just serves to underscore the CNI.

In these instances, it’s common for individuals to have fantasy conversations with the other person.

Think about it.

Have you ever revisited an exchange again and again, thinking through what you wish you’d said?

Or maybe you’ve imagined an exchange long before it ever happens. Have you practiced what you’ll say and predicted the response?

Some people do so much imaginary communicating, they think they’ve actually already had the conversation.

All of it, just ADDS to the Core Negative Image that’s rattling around in someone’s head.

Sad thing, no matter how well-intended you are, it’s nearly impossible to prevent someone else’s CNI of you! You cannot control their perception.

The best bet? Resolve conflict well.

So, what happens when you DO resolve conflict well?

Everyone has their idea of how to do this better. Those ideas include communicating better, or explaining themselves more or explaining more clearly. Some people think it means learning to talk to their mate in a way the other has a better chance of hearing. Some people think it means trying harder. Or avoiding conflict more effectively to begin with.

All of that is important to some degree. So, yes to all of it.

It’s not where we start, though.

Why?

Because it doesn’t prevent Empathy Gridlock or genuinely get two people beyond their conflict as quickly as possible. What will?

Easy Conflict Resolution

When you do resolve conflict well, there are three simple steps.

One or the other person offers a repair.
The recipient accepts the offer for repair, if not immediately, then eventually. (Sooner is better than later.)
The repair works! Effectively. Completely.

When I say the repair works, I mean it does repair the relationship: it restores good feeling between the two, and it brings them back to peace and relational joy. In fact, accomplishing a complete repair instills more confidence in the relationship and it brings people closer.

The overall health of the relationship is apparent in HOW they manage and resolve the conflict.

The healthiest relationships work an effective repair in about 20 minutes.

Believe it or not, that’s about how long it takes for two healthy, mature people to be responsible and honest about their own stuff, to be vulnerable with one another, and to discover they still, yes, they still have a safe, cherishing, loving haven of a relationship with one another.

I know that seems like very short order, and it truly is. Keep in mind this is between two whole human adults who have healed their residual trauma and have a good mastery over their core issues.

They have done the healing work and they show up, ready for healthy relationship.

Lots of us have experienced that it can take days, even weeks, before there’s any movement toward peace. And look, you can’t control the other person, but you can do what you can do and then be genuinely at peace with your efforts. No matter what kind of relationship it is. No matter what kind of response you get.

So eventually, yes, what happens between two healthy adults is that they work through a conflict easily and responsibly in quite short order. This means between workmates, between friends, between parents and grown children, between siblings, as well as in intimate partnerships.

How are you doing resolving conflict?

If you don’t know how to do this, or you keep running into frustrations, I can help with that. Obviously, I’m not the only one who can do this, but I’d love to join you.

I can’t think of a thing on the planet more important than helping people have truly healthy relationships. It’s what I do. I do this all day long. Every day. In every way I can think of making that contribution.

Why?

Because it’s JOYFUL. Literally. Full of joy. For me and for my clients.

Experiencing relational joy, not just a fleeting feeling here or there, is truly joyful and good. Real peace and harmony in relationships of all kinds is the absolute foundation to a happy, healthy, long, enjoyable, productive life. (There’s research on that as well- google the longest running Harvard Study on Happiness.)

Relationship conflict during the holidays can make everything worse.

Since there’s so much emphasis on family, on togetherness, and so many parties or gatherings or events to attend, gifts to buy, and so much cooking, and baking, and (around here at least) so much food to make and eat and give….

pressure can build up.

This is definitely the season when the state of our relationships is most evident. Unresolved conflict can feel even heavier.

Even if you don’t have a ton going on, it can be a low mood time of the year.

Darker days, colder temps, less daylight can all add to the challenges of the holiday season.

I don’t suggest starting big relationship work during the holidays. Wait to get to work until after the first of the year. Whether there’s a primary love relationship that needs to be much better. or you’re experiencing conflict in other relationships, you don’t have to ADD the stress of trying to change things right now.

But here’s what I can help with NOW:

If you want to get started identifying the patterns in a relationship and explore types of repair in your particular situation, we can do that.
If you’d like to prepare for a gathering, an encounter, a situation or circumstance, we can do that.
If you’d like some extra warmth and support because you’re feeling the loss of someone dear to you, I’m here for you.
If Seasonal Affective symptoms or depression are flaring, let’s address that.
If you’d like to set the groundwork for goals to meet in the New Year, we can get started on that now.
If you’d like to do a one-off, or a reset, or a refresh, we can do that right now.

I opened up more sessions on my calendar this week if you want to jump in. GO HERE to Schedule.

I’m looking forward to hearing more about what is going on for you. I’ll let you know exactly how I can help. Resolving conflict is a skill you definitely need. No matter where it applies, there’s a good solution. Let’s…BOOK NOW

What to do if you’re anxious or depressed

If you’re anxious or depressed here are thirteen things you can do right now that will help. And that’s besides taking medication.

Note: medication can be helpful when you get the correct psychotropic drug. It can also be hard to find the right one and it can take at least two weeks for it to reach its full effect. Besides the wait, trial, error, and agony of having a medication not help, keep in mind you’re medicating your brain. And your brain is the most important organ in your entire body.

It can feel “easier” to pop a pill, but there can be side effects to medications, some of them lasting. Disclaimer: This is not about whether you should take medication or not take medication to treat anxiety or depression. In order to make that recommendation, you’d have to be my client. Rather, these are things you can and should do to enhance your brain health whether you’re taking medication or not.

Let’s start with the simplest additions first. Take advantage of these low-hanging fruits in order to feel better right now. As one of my mentors, Denise Duffield-Thomas, likes to say, “low hanging fruit is still fruit.”

Deep breathing fixes anxiety in minutes.

You’ve got this resource with you all the time. And if you’re feeling quite anxious or having a panic attack, it will take about three minutes for it to go away entirely. This is also good for regular maintenance and practice that helps depression dissipate. It just doesn’t work as quickly for depression as it will for anxiety. But it WILL work to lessen ALL distressing emotions in the moment. Use it!

Here’s how to do it:

Breathe in for three counts. Take in as much air as possible. Think about extending your belly, not your chest. Hold for one count. Blow all the air out for a count of six. Do it again, same pattern, until the feeling changes or the anxiety is gone. (If you want, you can breathe in for a count of four, hold for one, and exhale to a count of eight. The important thing is that your exhale is twice as long as your inhale.)

Drink filtered water if you’re feeling low or anxious.

Do it right now. Feeling anxious or depressed can be helped by drinking a glass of water. Sound silly? Try it and see what it does for you.

Many times when we’re feeling poorly, our mood experience is exacerbated by dehydration. Your brain is 75% water and needs to be well-hydrated to function optimally.

In fact, every cell of your body requires water. So, nourish your body with this easy resource. On a daily basis, your body needs as many ounces as half your body weight in pounds.

For example, a one hundred and fifty pound woman needs 75 ounces of water each day. If she carries a 16 ounce water thermos, that means each day she’d be filling it FIVE times. Not many people actually do that, so chances are very good, you’re not drinking enough of this clean life resource.

ADD nutrient-dense food to treat anxiety and depression.

Notice I say ADD. It’s much easier to add the superior than subtract the inferior. Focus on the good rather than trying to drop the bad.

This is a great principle to practice as you’re making any adjustment in lifestyle or habit. From a psychological standpoint, our human brains favor the idea of increasing, adding, and enhancing rather than deprivation, withdrawal, and going without.

No one is asking you to have less in your life or your daily food intake. Instead, start by ADDING nutrient-rich components.

Choose what appeals to you from these easy additions:

Avocado- add to toast, salad, eggs, or any time you’d add ketchup, tomato, or salsa. Sliver some avocado to go alongside.

Leafy greens- like spinach, kale, or mixed dark lettuce greens. You don’t have to eat these in a huge salad all by themselves if that doesn’t appeal to you. Go ahead and add them as a condiment to sandwiches, burgers, or make a small salad sprinkled in a yummy dressing to go alongside your lunch or dinner. Buying prepackaged mixes makes it easy to add this to your daily intake.

Fruits including cherry tomatoes. I like to call this Nature’s Candy. I know a certain 9-yr-old who favors eating an entire pint of cherry tomatoes over a prepackaged granola bar. Another 9-yr-old I love will do the same with a pint of blueberries. (Her parents definitely watch what she touches while eating). Maybe you’ve heard cautionary talk about the sugar content of fruits among nutritionists. Some regimens limit their intake. But, for heaven’s sake, ADD these. They’re delicious!

Pure Meat Protein – add at least one additional meal per week of an uncomplicated, (not breaded, minced, or processed) animal meat product (including fish). Examples are broasted chicken, lean steak, pork chops, tilapia, or salmon filet.

You don’t have to over-complicate these additions. If you don’t know how to cook them, keep it simple as you learn what you like.

For more ideas and the science behind why, HERE are 33 Nutrient Dense Foods to add.

Why Simple Approaches Are the Best Approaches

Does it sound simplistic or elementary that we’re treating anxiety and depression with water, breathing, and nutrition?

Think of it this way: the fuel you put in your body has everything to do with its performance. The human body is a machine, like a car, though much more complex. Certainly, you can get by for a time with sub-optimal fuel, but eventually parts will wear out.

The fact that you’re experiencing anxiety or a low mood is an indicator that parts are in sub-optimal condition. Now is not the time to shovel in the worst or easiest-available forms of fuel.

Think of breathing, clean water, and nutrient dense foods as a fuel additive that helps increase performance. Start there. It’s easier than you might imagine.

Then, if you want to make things a little more effortful, add these practices as well. All of them, added in any amount, will help treat depression and anxiety.

Meditation helps depression and anxiety.

This is easy. Meditation only sounds like a hard thing to learn to do. Here’s all you need to know in order for meditation to help manage anxiety or depression.

Set a timer for three minutes or so. Get in a comfortable, relaxed posture. Close your eyes if that feels safe, or just look down, keeping your neck in a comfortable posture.

Observe your thoughts. Without judgment.

That’s it. That’s your only goal. Just observe your thoughts without judgment.

Little by little, increase the time you spend doing that. And if you judge a thought or yourself, be gentle and return to non-judgment. Simply breathe and let go of the judgment. It’s not complex; don’t make it complicated. You don’t ever have to “be good” at this. Just give it a try.

Get the Calm app or another meditation app if you find you like someone else to guide you with words. I highly recommend Daily Trip with Jeff Warren on the Calm app. He does a great job teaching people how to meditate while they meditate.

Gratitude increases good mood.

This always sounds trite. And perhaps it sounds trite especially this time of year (I wrote this in November, heading into holiday season and winter here in North America).

But counting ones blessings always improves mood.

Start small. It can be ridiculous.

I’m glad I have ten toes and I can walk.
I appreciate being able to breathe without coughing.
Yay! The house has heat. (I haven’t turned it up this morning yet, but I’m so glad I CAN.)
I’m thankful for the Dawn dish soap because it really does cut the grease. (Could be an endorsement?)
My coffee is really tasty.
What a lovely microwave we have!
We can afford to buy rodent poison.

That last is to prove you CAN look on the bright side of just about anything. 😉

If you had to look around you right this minute and find three things- just THREE things to be grateful for- could you do it? Give it a whirl.

Some people like keeping a gratitude journal. I absolutely recommend it. If you already write in a journal, for a time, specify that you can only record things you’re thankful for. You cannot use your journal for complaints, negativity, or venting. See what shifts.

Now is the best time to start a gratitude practice.

And by practice, I just mean that it is something you do at the same time (or relatively the same time) each day. Some people start their day with gratitude, a prayer of thanks, a formal list they write down. Others make it a way to close their day before closing their eyes. Some talk about it over the evening meal or while tucking children into bed. Even if you live alone, you can make gratitude a regular part of each and every day. Remember, if you’re alone, no one can hear you talking to yourself anyway. You can get away with listing blessings out loud.

Phoning a Friend the Right Way

When you’re experiencing anxiety or a low mood and someone suggests calling a friend, the next “logical” thought is that you’ll be spending your time unburdening yourself or sharing your worry or despair. No. Don’t do that. I don’t mean that at all.

Call a friend to make a connection. Reach out and ASK what is going on in someone else’s life. Catch up. Listen to the “tea”. Spill some of your own. But don’t let the conversation be about your low mood or anxiety. The connection is the cure, not that they provide some other solution for you.

Listen to THEM. Then, if you’re so moved, DO something helpful. Or just get together for lunch or coffee. Go for a walk together and catch up. Making an actual phone call counts. Psst, texting might be a start, but it does not really count in making a connection, sorry. Pick up the phone and call.

Get Social; belonging alleviates negative impact of anxiety and depression.

Force yourself, if necessary, to GO DO a group activity. Maybe you’re already part of a group: at the gym, a civic club, a church, or recreation center. Participate! Even if you’ve been away for a very long time, no one will mind if you rejoin. They’ll probably be glad to see you, in fact. Just go. Then make it a regular part of your schedule.

If you’re not already part of a group, join one. You can choose something based on interest, (like pickleball- easy sport to learn, by the way- or crafting, hiking, whatever). Or you can choose something based on beliefs or values: a bible study, for example, a library group, a civic group, a cause you support or believe in.

Just get there. Join. Be part of something that gets your focus off yourself. Group affiliation and belonging is an essential need of human beings. Don’t worry about fitting in; just show up where you experience acceptance.

Then, while you are there, if unpleasant feelings or moods invade, use your deep breathing, drink water, or make a quick gratitude list in your mind. You have these easy resources with you all the time, so use them.

Get outside to improve your mood.

Even in these colder months in the Upper Midwest, when the temps are frigid and daylight is short (about 8 whopping hours right now,) getting outside on a daily basis can work wonders to improve your overall mood. Bundle up and sit out there in the morning light. Even three minutes of exposure can enhance your vitamin-D intake, lower the stress hormone, cortisol, and increase serotonin production. (Psst serotonin is a critical neurotransmitter psychotropic drugs try to target. Why not increase its production naturally?)

In addition, being outside can also improve your sleep by helping regulate your body’s natural circadian rhythm. This can make your waking hours more energized and alert and your nighttime hours more restful.

Here’s a great article for more information on additional Benefits of Spending Time in Nature.

Get moving. Exercise doesn’t have to be hard; just do it

If the Pandemic taught us anything, it’s that movement around one’s neighborhood counts as daily exercise. Go for a ten minute walk. Haul out the bike if weather permits. Even walking up and down stairs in your residence can count as exercise. Movement does not have to be complicated or fancy in order to count as exercise. Just move.

Sure, go to the gym and lift weights, or work out to a routine on YouTube. As I mentioned, pickleball is an easy sport to learn and participate in. Certainly, join a dance fitness class or take dance lessons at a studio. In fact, dancing was found to be one of the most effective treatments for anxiety and depression in this British Medical Journal Meta-Analysis of physical activities.

But, exercise does not have to be a big thing at all. All movement counts. Just move.

Practice good sleep hygiene to improve overall mood.

This means having a regular bedtime and bedtime routine. Start easy. You don’t have to do ten things as your bedtime routine. Make it the same THREE things you do each night. For example, go to bed at the same or a similar time. Brush your teeth. Say a gratitude out loud. Done.

In addition, you probably already know that the blue light of screen time before bed wakes your brain and nearly guarantees sleep disruption. If it’s hard to eliminate this for the recommended full hour before sleep, aim for 30 minutes of screen-free time before bedtime. In addition, sugar or alcohol will wake the brain after the carbohydrate burn-off. Good sleep hygiene means leaving some time between consumption and sleep. This includes all kinds of food. But you’ve probably already heard about that.

Here’s a secret shared by a sleep psychologist colleague: if you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, you’re better off getting up earlier, every single day, rather than trying to fix your evening sleep hygiene by going to bed earlier or changing your evening routine.

It might sound excruciating, but setting the alarm and getting up (not hitting snooze even once) will pay off when it comes time to enjoy sound slumber. In time, it will make it even easier to implement an evening sleep routine and address other aspects of good sleep hygiene.

The final three things you can do right now that will improve your mood are, perhaps, slightly harder to implement. That’s why I’ve left them for last. After all, I figure if you’ve read this far, you are serious about and committed to improving your experience with anxiety, depression, or low mood.

Save some money.

This doesn’t mean using coupons at the grocery store or getting a great deal on your oil change. And it’s the opposite of retail therapy.

I mean, simply, literally, regularly set aside a specified amount of money. Put it into a savings account. (Remember those?) If you already do this, great! Congratulations! You can focus on implementing the other things on this list.

But for the vast majority of Americans, there is NO savings. And having no savings increases feelings of stress, anxiety, depression, and low mood. Doing even a little bit of something about this has a beneficial effect. You get to decide how much that might be. It does not have to be a lot in order to take the pressure off and reduce cortisol levels.

Make it automatic so it’s not something you even have to think about. Then watch your dollars slowly add up!

Even $25 a week deposited into a savings account has beneficial effects. Start small. (Start even smaller if you want.)

Just make a pact with yourself that you will not touch that money unless there is an emergency.

Also, a shoe sale is not an emergency. 😉 Remember, this money is a cushion to protect your stress level, not an accumulation of money you get to use later on for retail therapy. If an emergency does arise and you need to use it, great! You’ve just used your emergency fund appropriately and you can start rebuilding it!

Keep daily input positive to protect your mood.

This means fill your listening, reading, and viewing with things that uplift, encourage, and enhance your life. You won’t eliminate the stress of daily living (some amount of stress is actually healthy) but you can control your exposure.

In keeping with the very first principle of addition being easier than subtraction, when it comes to what you consume with your eyes, ears, and brain, ADD the positive before you think about taking away the negative.

This means tuning into helpful, positive, useful, and uplifting podcasts, Tik-Tok channels, music, and commentary. It means curating your newsfeed on Facebook, X, or Instagram to include things of joyful interest. It means following those people who add something positive on a regular basis.

Of course, I’m not saying bury your head in the sand, but now, when the news stream is 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year and global, there is always something AWFUL going on with humanity. This is not denial of all the bad, but a realistic way of caring for yourself.

There’s plenty going right with humanity. You may as well find it and let it in. After all, you can’t control the world, but you can control your input.

Finally, when you’re ready, remember the higher level truths:

Finding meaning and purpose mitigate low mood and anxiety.

Human beings are incredible meaning-making machines. We make up stories, weave narratives, and then repeat them until we form beliefs. Many of those beliefs become negative and harm us more than help us. In psychology, we call those limiting beliefs. If you’re experiencing anxiety, depression, or low mood, I guarantee there’s a limiting belief or two running the show or at least gunking up the gears in your psyche.

Here’s what you can do: apart from those negative, limiting beliefs, define for yourself a deeper meaning in your suffering, a deeper meaning to your existence on the planet, and a purpose that guides you. Write it down. Keep it in mind.

You’ll be amazed how meaning and purpose make living through almost anything more than bearable. Meaning and purpose put anything in perspective. (Take Viktor Frankl’s book about surviving a Nazi Concentration Camp, Man’s Search for Meaning as one example.) Here are simpler ones:

This suffering is a human experience. I’m not exempt from pain. It’s my turn and I will get through this just as many before me have done.

I am here to uplift those I come in contact with.

I was born to enjoy the smallest, simplest pleasures and to point them out to others.

I am here to help my children and grandchildren experience acceptance and love.

If you need a guide in the short term, go ahead and use one of the above or create something that can shape your daily choices and existence right now. When you keep this declaration in mind, it’s easy to ask yourself if something is in line with your meaning and purpose or if it’s a distraction.

Make meaning and purpose your overarching guide through life.

All human beings want to believe that their life has mattered, made a difference, been significant, even if that significance is just to impact those closest to us. Stating ones meaning and purpose from an end-of-life perspective can be a powerful driving force. Think about this as something you hope to contribute to life on the planet before you die.

For example:

I am working to improve the way counseling is practiced.

I’m here to help humanity evolve into a better, wiser, and more sophisticated species.

My objective is to change the generational experience of violence and chaos.

I’m here to reflect the Divine and to practice kindness and respect at all times.

Notice that these broader-reaching goals may seem lofty, out of reach, even unrealistic in some ways, especially given present anxiety, depression, or low mood. Even so, they form an effective protective barrier against complete despair and demise.

Finding purpose and meaning works wonders for every person on the planet.

Trying to live without meaning and purpose guarantees struggle and unnecessary pain.

Take a little time to define what gives your life meaning, what guides you purpose. Even if it is tiny and seems insignificant in the moment, grab hold of it. Even if it seems lofty and preposterous, keep it in front of you as a guide. When you do this, it helps you do all the other things listed above.

SECRET: If you’ve read this far and you’re feeling quite brave, navigate the list by starting with writing out a statement of your own meaning and purpose. Once you’ve done that, it makes it easier to choose how you spend your time, energy, and resources while you’re on the planet.

Keep everything simple for the greatest impact.

Notice I’m suggesting you keep EVERYTHING very simple. Oftentimes, when we’re experiencing anxiety, low mood, or depression, we tend to over-complicate the remedy. We think we have to do everything differently out of the gate. That’s not at all realistic and it sets us up for failure.

Choose a few things from the list of thirteen and implement them over the next days. Then add a few more items. If, after experiencing some improvement, you notice still other factors are missing from your life, revisit those areas and find a way to incorporate them.

All of us need assistance.

No one is an island. We are helped by those around us. When you’re managing your moods, having someone remind you of all the things you can do to improve them can be absolutely vital.

Just as getting a coach to teach you how to play pickleball is smart, or having a personal trainer at the gym is the thing that gives some the edge, you may need a mental health professional to help keep you on track and accountable.

I’m not the only one who can help, but of course, I volunteer. Let’s explore if working together is the logical next choice for you. And don’t worry; most people do not need to enter therapy long-term. With the right help, there is a logical graduation from therapy as well.

Get on my call schedule so we can spend time chatting about how I can help.

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Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Lots of people ask the question “does marriage counseling work?”

The answer depends on what you mean by “work”. Does it help? Will you grow?
Will it save your sanity or help you make a decision about staying or splitting?

Absolutely YES!

Will it save your marriage? I gave a complex answer HERE, but ultimately that answer is maybe… for the most part, yes… if you do the work. (It’s still a tricky answer isn’t it? Sorry about that, but it’s what I really see.) I cover in that article the ONE thing that will certainly cost you your marriage. And I wrote HERE about the two things you must have in order for marriage counseling to work to save your marriage.

Will marriage counseling teach you about perspective, about skills within relationship, and about how to be a better mate?

Yes. If marriage counseling is any good at all, it will definitely cover those things.

Most Marriage Counseling will help with that.

But good marriage counseling (honestly, the only kind worth investing in) will get to the heart of what keeps coming up as a recurring conflict and a distressing pattern in your relationship. Good marriage counseling will address the parts in you and in the relationship that resist using those skills or being a better mate when it’s hard. That’s where the rubber meets the road.

After all, if you could just do what you know would work in the relationship, you wouldn’t need someone else to help you.

You don’t need Relationship Skills

Not yet, anyway. You probably already have plenty of those.

You can read all about the Five Love Languages, about your Love Tank, or learning each other’s Love Maps and the Sound Relationship House. Studying about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will definitely predict a relationship’s demise. You can read all the self-help and personal development ever published. (Actually maybe you can’t given that there are so.many.books on the subject, but you know what I mean).

What ALL of those sources cannot supply is enough leverage to do the real growing needed for YOU, in particular, to show up differently in your relationship, in real time, and in real life. Especially when you feel triggered and challenged. If everything were just smooth sailing, a marriage relationship would be easy, wouldn’t it?

Reading books also cannot supply your partner with motivation to change.

That’s what good marriage counseling helps you uncover together.

Good marriage counseling is a process of working together- all three of us- to address core issues. Good marriage counseling will provide support along with sustained motivation to continue forward progress.

You also don’t need Conflict-resolution Skills

All the knowledge in the world about conflict-resolution skills is not going to matter in the moment.

This isn’t something you do just because you have an awareness of your go-to stance and the pattern in your relationship.

Every single one of us takes our go-to stance for a very good reason and knowing the reason does not shift its power in the moment. We don’t resolve conflicts just by knowing why we do something or why our partner does something and then simply learning a different skill.

Many counselors start by teaching conflict resolution, improving communication, and even uncovering why you do what you do in relationships. That can be fascinating. It seems like the answer. But going that route is much more work and, in fact, it takes a lot longer than truly effective marriage counseling.

Here’s what does work

You need to know how to shift from your go-to stance to a more helpful perspective and movement when conflict arises.

Knowing how to shift happens when we get to the core of the need for that go-to stance and then effectively replace that need at a very deep level with something that serves the individual and the relationship. That’s what really makes a difference in how you show up in relationship.

This is core-level transformation and it’s actually much easier than it sounds. But you must have a good marriage counselor using the right powerful methods.

And don’t worry; this is not about being a different type of person. You don’t have to worry about losing yourself or surrendering your identity. Good marriage counseling is really about being a healthier version of yourselves.

The one thing that doesn’t work in marriage counseling:

Talk therapy.

Doing talk therapy around marriage issues will not work. You do not need to rehearse and rehash your complaints. Marriage Counseling is not a place for unbridled self-expression, tattling on your partner for all their misdeeds and perceived misdeeds, or playing whack-a-mole with each topic of contention that arises.

A marriage counselor is not a facilitator or referee. She’s not someone to help you hash out each disagreement you’ve been having about who does what labor around the house, for example.

Those issues are merely a symptom of what’s going on in the relationship and a good marriage counselor does not need you to replay conflicts or arguments.

Specific issues may serve as salient examples of core issues. So we WILL talk about what’s going on.

You just won’t be able to use a good marriage counselor as a referee. You also won’t be able to spend time doing with the counselor what you normally do at home. That’s a waste of everyone’s investment of time, energy, and your money.

Making Marriage Counseling effective

Here’s how good marriage counseling works here:

I’ll assess the negative patterns in your relationship.

We’ll talk about how you’re made and how you move through the world.

We’ll talk about your core issues.

One of our first goals is to do no more harm. To the relationship, to ourselves, and to one another. We’ll cover exactly how to do that with respect for both of you.

Then, we get down to the work of repairing what’s broken between you with core-level transformation and researched, evidence-based methods that heal. You. Your partner. And the relationship.

Good Marriage Counseling is not neutral

We ALL have core issues, so it’s not a matter of your partner being the one with “the issues”. Having issues is central to being human. We respect that. (In fact, it’s part of what we embrace as part of Whole Human Therapy. You don’t have to geek out about the theory, but you can explore more at that link if you want.)

One of you may, however, be doing more damage to the relationship than the other. A good marriage counselor will see that clearly and proceed skillfully with appropriate support and challenge. Effective, good intervention from the counselor is a combination of tender regard for the adaptations and behaviors we humans employ, and the ability to hold a firm standard about what it means to be relational.

After all, when you do couples work, the relationship becomes the client. Together we work on the relationship. Our collective end-goal is to create a loving relationship that honors, nourishes, and fulfills both members of it.

Good marriage counseling is not about being permissive or neutral regarding doing damage to the relationship. And it holds space for both of you while holding each of you accountable. It’s an art as much as science. You are going to need someone highly skilled with this.

In addition, there ARE conditions that may need to be addressed before good couples work can take effect. I wrote about all of them right here. A good marriage counselor won’t gloss over those. As soon as she’s aware of them, she’ll broach them in session. With care, of course. With strength and the firmness a good marriage counselor can implement.

Does Marriage Counseling ever Not Work?

Unfortunately, it IS possible for marriage counseling to be ineffective. There ARE marriage counselors out there who are good people, well-intended, but not very skilled. Some counselors take only a surface-level approach because that’s either what they’re comfortable handling or they just haven’t done deeper work themselves. Other couples counselors are skilled at thinking through things. But thinking only gets you so far when it comes to love.

And hey, you and your partner might prefer to do work sheets and study one another’s Love Maps, or to concentrate on what IS working, or demonstrate love and care through effortful application of the Love Languages or some other target behavior change. You might really like applying IFS (Internal Family Systems) or using an Imago model. Maybe you really are looking for your relationship to solve issues of attachment and dysregulation. You might like the appeal of working on more emotional engagement and being more attuned to one another. Emotion Focused Couples Therapy sounds like a lovely promise, doesn’t it?

Those are all modalities for couples work that I am well-versed in and do not use because I’ve found something much more effective.

Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely will work on ALL the parts that make your marriage more relational and fulfilling for both of you. We all support that end-goal.

But, surface-level, brain-based, or behavioral change approaches just don’t permanently solve any real problems.

You do not have to make this more complicated than necessary.

You don’t have to waste time, energy, or money trying everything else.

And if you’re considering marriage counseling, then getting to the bottom of those problems, actually healing them, and then crafting a solution- one you can implement in the moment- is imperative.

Most of my clients are really smart. They have worked hard to succeed. Maybe they’ve tried several approaches already. They have significant knowledge and they have done a lot of growing. All of that is good. I honor ALL of those efforts and ALL of that growth.

Still, something is coming up in their primary relationship that feels too frustrating, too familiar, and threatens, not just their marriage, but their very happiness as well.

Is that you? I can help.

If you’re ready for something that really moves the needle and works long-term in your primary love relationship, get on my schedule for a FREE consultation call. I am eager to hear what’s going on for you and I’ll let you know exactly how I can help.

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Letting Go; tips to help you do it

Letting go gets recommended a lot, by well-meaning individuals, by healing professionals, and by growth-minded communities.

“Just let it go.”

“You’ll feel better if you just let that go.”

“Let Go and Let God.”

Learning to let go is super important. In fact, having this skill firmly in hand is key to your growth. Still, many people struggle with it. They may say things to themselves like:

“I know I really need to let go, but…I’m not sure I’m ready to let go.”

“Do I want to let this go?”

“I can’t let this go.”

A hidden belief often reinforces such a stance. People have ideas about what should happen… if they just hold on tight! Or some fear about what might happen if they simply let go. Then there’s the talk about how hard it is to do. In fact:

Letting go is easy.

I often say to clients: “it’s only hard until it isn’t. It only feels hard. When you turn the corner, it’s super easy.” In fact, many things about being healthier are really, really simple. That doesn’t always mean it’s easy. But when it become easy, it’s super easy!

Letting go is one of the easiest things you will ever do.

It’s kind of counterintuitive because DOING it is all about NOT doing something else.

Don’t hold onto that. Don’t worry about that. Don’t let that take up your time, energy, and brain space.

But how, you ask?

These Tips will Help in Letting Go Intentionally

Once you realize and target the thing you fear will happen if you let go, or the thing you think you’re preventing by hanging on, it’s actually very simple.

Possible negative beliefs might be: If I let it go, he’ll get away with it; she’ll keep behaving like that; the kids won’t understand how awful he really is; people will judge me instead of her, or him, or them. If I let go, it means I never cared. If I hang on real tight, I can change the outcome.

Things we believe can drive us, even subconsciously, so if one of the above hits a nerve or you have a response like “well, that’s right! It’s not a negative belief” you may have just discovered your negative belief. (Psssst, none of the above statements are true.) If you need help getting to the bottom of your belief, any really good therapist can help with that. (I volunteer.)

Here’s a little exercise you can try in order to uncover it yourself:

Take a stab at what you think might happen if you let go, or what you’re preventing by holding on so tight. Write it down.

Then ask yourself, “so then what?” Write your response and do it again.

So, then what? Write your response, then ask again: so, then what?

Ask this until you get to the bottom and origin belief underneath all of it. That’s your driving negative belief.

Here’s a common example from my work with clients

If I let go of this resentment, it means I’m condoning his bad behavior. So then what?

If I condone his bad behavior, then it means what he did doesn’t matter. So then what?

If what he does doesn’t matter, does my pain matter? So then what?

If my pain doesn’t matter, do I even matter? So then what?

I can’t let go of this resentment or it means I don’t matter!

Don’t feel like doing that? Or don’t know what to do once you get to the bottom?

Try these:

1. Take a deep breath

Make it really deep. Now, let it out even more slowly than your inhale. Do this at least three times.

You don’t need to think about anything while you do this or focus on anything particular. But, if after three deep inhales and slow exhales, you can focus like this:

On the inhale, focus on the “worry” or the thing you’re holding onto.
On the exhale, breathe out the “worry” along with the air.

Do it more than once if you need to. Do it as often as the “worry” pops back up.

2. Practice the Existential Process

This is a method I teach clients so they can use it both in and out of session. It goes like this:

Identify reality as if it is a thing we could all agree on if it were posted on a marquee or banner. This is not interpretive. It’s just the facts, ma’am.

Let that wave of reality wash over you. We do physical gestures where one fist is a rock, the other hand is the wave of reality washing over the rock. Actually make the gesture; it’s not hokey, physical movement helps underscore new perceptions.

Then, “come to neutral.” Resist evaluating something as either good or bad. You’re neither condoning nor giving any energy to what should not be.

Take a nice exhale and relax.

I’m not foolish; I know it can be difficult to let go.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see when something is actually doing us harm. When we hang onto resentments, past wounds, old traumas, and negative thinking, it can feel as if we’re protecting ourselves. Sometimes we can think we’re “holding others accountable”. But we’re really just wasting our own energy. And that is a real waste of life!

As a result, it means we’re doing at least as much harm to ourselves as the original “worry” we’re hanging onto.

If it is difficult, get some support. Make sure you’re not resisting the wrong thing and inadvertently just adding more tension in your relationship with your particular “worry”. Pssst, your well-meaning friends are NOT a good source for this kind of support.

Employ a skilled therapist who can aid you in letting go of the right things and help you pay attention to the important things. You should not have to figure this out on your own.

Bottom line, the good news is that letting go is an easy skill you CAN develop with the right focus and guidance. Don’t waste more precious time and energy increasing your pain. Reach out and let me help. Let’s schedule a call to discuss ways we can work together.

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Why Do Men Cheat?

Why do men cheat? Let’s discuss.

There are lots of answers to that question. Not all of them are correct. Not all answers apply in a given situation. Of course, men cheat for the same reasons women cheat. But let’s also take a more nuanced look at what is going on for men in particular.

Hi. I’m a Relationship Expert, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and I have treated hundreds of men in this specialty over the past ten years. I have thorough knowledge and training in Psychology. I am qualified to diagnose and treat ALL kinds of Mental Health Disorders and I use the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, edition 5) published by the American Psychiatric Association for diagnoses.

That’s important because people can think that cheaters are just sick, demented, mentally ill, have a personality disorder, or, are unequivocally, “absolute narcissists.” I hear this a lot. It’s very trendy, in fact.

It’s very rarely the case.

The fact is that narcissism occurs in one half to six percent of the population. That range is based on research and it rings true according to my experience. In my practice, where I specialize in treating infidelity and where there’s bias for people with disorders, the lower end of that range is what I consistently see.

Just because a man is unfaithful, even if he is a “serial cheater,” does not mean he’s a narcissist or that he is sick or mentally ill in any other way.

Infidelity is a human foible, not a mental disorder.

Even if a label were accurate, it won’t actually help you navigate this.

Here’s why:

Having a partner cheat is painful. There is no doubt about that. It can throw everything into question and feel absolutely devastating. But, be careful with your theories on why he cheated. We don’t want the conclusions you reach to cause YOU more pain.

It seems easier and easier to throw a label on top of infidelity and call it good. Yet, that’s not actually helpful.

Sometimes a label or diagnosis can lend understanding and perspective. As in aha, that’s what we’re dealing with! That’s good and it’s the intention of getting a diagnosis. (An actual diagnosis from a trained professional who administers the diagnosis directly to the person). Mental health labels were never intended to be used as justification to shame another human.

But when labels are used as weapons to shame and blame, they actually end up hurting the person who applies the label. Why? It reinforces a victimhood narrative and that it a very weak position. Victim stance ultimately robs the victim of power and agency. You were acted upon versus something simply happening (or someone else choosing to hurt you) and, as a strong person, you adapted and managed reality. The latter is much more powerful.

Victimhood can soon become one’s identity! Once that’s allowed, it can be very difficult to shift. Resist this easy tendency. It will end up hurting YOU.

I wrote specifically about FOUR things you can do right now to help yourself suffer less if your partner has cheated. READ HERE

So, Why DO Men Cheat?

Well, they definitely cheat for the obvious reasons:

their marriage is unfulfilling, or stale, or boring
they’re not getting sex or validation within the marriage (which is different than boredom)
they aren’t getting the emotional attention and connection they want and crave
it makes them feel alive and attractive
they want to have (more) attention/validation/respect from someone
it’s fun!
it feels good
it’s readily available and easy to do
they feel younger, vibrant, desired
they’re selfish
they’re immature
yada yada yada

If we are honest, there are many REASONS for being unfaithful. No matter who we are.

The question is not “why would a man cheat?” but “what would keep him from cheating?” That’s much more interesting information. (I will write about affair-proofing a relationship in an article soon, I promise.)

Ultimately, the decision to be unfaithful is a unilateral decision to go outside the marital relationship (perhaps instead of working out the problems within it). As such, it DOES demonstrate selfishness, maybe immaturity, perhaps a sense of entitlement and a lack of consideration for a mate’s feelings.

So we CAN say that infidelity is ALWAYS evidence of someone being selfish. But what else can we say about it for sure?

We Cannot Draw Many Universal Conclusions About Why Men Cheat

Contributions to a man’s decision are unique to each individual and situation.

What I can tell you is that it is not your fault. You did not make that unilateral decision. He did. The relationship may not have supplied enough reasons for him not to cheat, (can you stomach that double negative?) but that does not fall entirely on your shoulders either! (Listen, with good counseling you can derive the proper amount of responsibility later; just suffice it to say, he is responsible for his actions. Period.)

There are complicating factors that lead each individual man to make the decision to cross a line, follow it up, and follow through.

I have ONE MORE insight to share and it may surprise you!

I’m not sure you’re going to like it, though. This one can be a hard truth to face. Just remember, it’s based on work with hundreds of people who have faced infidelity. Please also keep in mind that my objective here is to help.

If you CAN handle the truth, this will help because it will save you time and energy wasted in anguish. The truth is:

If Your Man Cheated and Then Married his Affair Partner…

…it’s a very strong indicator that he cheated because he was seeking LOVE. Simply put, his experience of acceptance, acknowledgement, respect, and care is greater for him within that connection than in the relationship with you. Period.

Of course this is hard to hear.

It’s also very true.

And it does not have to make sense to you. His perception and experience within your relationship can be entirely different from your experience. In fact, it IS very different from your experience and perspective. That’s because you’re both individuals and separate human beings. You don’t have to see things the way he sees them. But do listen to his ACTIONS.

If your man cheated and then married his affair partner, it’s because he wanted to continue to experience the love and acceptance he enjoys in that relationship.

It is NOT because the affair partner pressured him or made him do anything. He chose to cheat. He chose to leave. And he made the choice to commit to her. You will be better off and spend far less time agonizing if you are able to see this clearly and accept it.

Don’t Wait For Him to Regret His Choice

Rarely, and I mean very rarely will a man regret leaving a marriage partner and marrying his affair partner. This CAN happen, but only in cases where the new relationship itself is more toxic and dysfunctional than the last. Here are the specifics:

Regret happens in instances where the affair partner has a clinically diagnosable disorder that negatively affects the relationship AND when children suffer because their parents are no longer together.

Remember however, slapping on a clinical label is never a good idea. You’re probably wrong about it anyway. And, people can still navigate loving relationships while managing mental health concerns. (Pssst, it’s what I help people do all the time.) Resist the urge to label. It really only hurts YOU.

The most painful break-ups are those that include a third party. For some reason, the knowledge your mate already has someone and is choosing them over you can cut the deepest. Be careful you don’t get stuck there.

If a man makes a commitment to his new relationship, for your own sake, let go as soon and as thoroughly as possible. It sucks. I know! You are not a victim of his choices. You are the master of yours. So choose to see this truth and to accept it.

The Best Way to Recover After A Man Cheats

Knowing WHY he cheated is not as important as knowing what to do next. Thankfully there ARE things you can DO to recover.

On top of the four tips explained HERE, get some focused professional support.

Do not employ someone who allows you merely to tell the story while they validate your feelings. You need more than that. Be sure your therapist is focused on getting you relief from your pain. They ought to be able to correct you and outline exactly what you’re doing that intensifies and thereby increases your suffering. They ought to be able to give you real skills to stop doing what hurts you and teach you how to manage your pain. You should definitely experience some relief.

Women who recover together grow exponentially. That’s why, in 2016, I began a women’s group that has grown into a nationwide, online group for Strong, Smart, and Savvy Women. I call it SSS Life. If it’s still May, 2025, then enrollment is open for SSS Life, but only a little longer. Members are at all stages of their recovery and we want you to have your complete healing too. Check it out here. Then please join us.

Whether or not you already have a therapist, this group will lead you to complete recovery. It will help you make a decision about the relationship if you haven’t already. You’ll know when to trust again, and when (and how) to forgive. You’ll know how to respond in any situation that comes up, including future connections. Access to the step-by-step process and doing it with other women will bring healing just as quickly as possible. I’m really pleased and humbled that it has helped so many people. And I’d like to help you.

Of course, if you’d like to work together one on one instead, the first step is getting a FREE Consultation Call scheduled. You can use the call to ask about the group too. Let’s talk soon and get you the relief you deserve

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Affair Recovery Tips; Don’t Suffer More

“Affair Recovery Tips” might sound like a shallow promise, but now more than ever, it’s important that you do not increase your own suffering. You’re probably doing some things that increase and intensify your pain without even realizing it. More than me telling you to STOP DOING THAT, here’s what to do instead:

Affair Recovery Tip Number ONE: Ask the right questions.

You’re probably obsessed with the wrong ones. What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with her? What on earth does he/she see in the affair partner? Or what happened? How could this happen to us? How did we get here? What kind of a person does this to their mate?! How did I not know?! Maybe you’re even asking: what is wrong with me that I let this happen?!

Of course, you have those questions. Those questions are a logical, natural response. Just try to loosen your grip on them because the answers simply will NOT help. In fact, spending time asking them (in your mind or of your mate) will help you get stuck there. And wasting time on those questions will absolutely increase and intensify your suffering.

That’s because your brain WILL answer the questions you give it. I wrote more about how the brain works finding answers and why it’s important to ask the right questions in this previous article.

Simply put, if you’re asking what is wrong (with him, her, the marriage, you) then THOSE are the questions you’ll get answers for. And there’s plenty wrong with everyone and everything if that’s what your brain is on a mission to find. It can be quite endless, actually, but most importantly, it just won’t help.

In fact, it hurts. Primarily it hurts YOU by intensifying your pain and negative perspective. If you have any hope of saving the relationship, this approach will make it even harder to work things out. Most importantly, it prolongs your suffering and keeps your brain spinning on seeking information that won’t help you recover.

If you hope to recover after an affair, do this:

More than trying to STOP those recurring questions, CONSTRUCT better, more helpful ones. Here’s how:

Start with the most important longing right now. Is it to decrease your pain? Be able to concentrate? Be able to trust again? Get through this? Return to a happier time? Interact without getting triggered?

Even if your heart’s longing seems WAY far off right now, use it to form a more helpful question by putting a “how” in front of it.

How can I decrease my pain? How can I concentrate today? How will I be able to trust again? How can I get through this? How do we get through this? How can I return to a happier time? How do I manage my triggers?

Guess what? All of those things are actually productive questions. The answers to those questions (which your brain will seek answers to at every turn) will give you some productive, helpful information you can act on.

And don’t worry, you WILL find answers to those questions. You have to. It’s how your brain works.

Every time you notice yourself asking one of the first questions, gently notice and replace it with one of your helpful how questions.

Here’s an example of how this works:

You think “how could he have done this to me?!” You notice and think, “ahh, that’s not helpful. Hmmm, what can I ask instead?” It may take a minute, but you CAN replace that unhelpful question with something better. Maybe it’s as simple as “how do I stop obsessing about his motives?” Maybe it’s as big a shift as “How do I get back to feeling confident?”

The right questions ARE helpful and you will get answers, ideas, and insights from a variety of sources. That’s how your brain works. When you ask the right questions, you get useful information that will actually help you recover.

Affair Recovery Tip Number TWO: Stop rehearsing your pain.

That’s what I call it when you can’t stop telling the story. You talk through it again and again. Maybe you’re on the phone or can’t stay focused on a task at work or while you’re out socially and the topic reverts to the story of the betrayal. Maybe you mention it lightly in conversation, even to complete strangers. If you don’t nip this in the bud, the betrayal can become your identity. Don’t let that happen.

Look, it’s natural to want everyone to know what a complete cad he is, how terrible “they” are, and how very wronged you’ve been. It just isn’t helpful for your recovery. Right now, while you’re navigating your own pain, don’t ADD to it by rehearsing, reinforcing, and repeating the story of your pain.

This INCLUDES doing this in therapy. Time, energy, and money spent getting help from a professional ought to bring you actual relief. Your therapist ought to help you learn how to manage the pain and stress of betrayal, not make it worse for you by allowing you to reinforce the pain of this thing that has happened. If you have a therapist who allows this, ask for skills to cope. If they don’t respond by providing them, find a new therapist, one who specializes in affair recovery.

Does all this mean you ignore the reality? No. It means you recognize when you are reiterating the same unhelpful narrative. Notice and gently adjust your focus. That brings me to…

Affair Recovery Tip Number THREE: Focus on YOUR healing.

You need and deserve some TLC after a partner cheats. That means real tender, loving care, not necessarily indulgence. I won’t preach against using alcohol or ice-cream to soothe a terrible day, but remember what will actually help.

If you’re not sure what that is, start with this exercise: ask yourself what you already do that brings you joy? (or have EVER done historically) If joy is a reach, ask yourself what you do (or have ever done) that helps you feel strong, confident, productive, successful, alive, vibrant? Seriously, make a list. Write it down. Then make a plan for DOING more of those things on a regular, daily basis.

If you have a tough time with your list, enlist the help of a trusted friend who knows you well. You can ask, “when have you seen me at my best?” Or “when do you think I’ve been happiest?” Or even “what do you think are my greatest strengths?”

At a time when a partner cheats, you’ll benefit from positive input about YOU (not negative input about HIM) so go ahead and seek this from a trusted friend.

Take the information you receive as the starting point for coming up with those things you can DO that help you focus on your own recovery. Then DO them. Regularly.

Finally, Embrace this Time as a Chance to Heal

I know that may sound strange. But this truly is an opportunity to shake up your life, to replace anything that is not serving you, and to go ahead and live full out. No one expects you to get there right now, but keep that end-goal in mind as your objective and you absolutely WILL get there.

Human beings were made to heal. We are powerful, resilient, and adaptable.

Remember, “Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” All humans get wounded in this life. Literally, every single one of us. (If we make it out without some wounding, have we really even lived?!) And yes, having a partner cheat is definitely a whopper of a wound.

Even though it is the most pressing one right now, that wound is probably not the only one you’ve weathered in your life. Maybe you’ve limped along or survived and done pretty well despite what you’ve lived through. Good work! Let this wound be your opportunity to absolutely THRIVE from here on out.

How? Well, start by minimizing your suffering with the above tips. And of course, if you need help and support in that endeavor, find an excellent therapist, not just a good one. Find one who won’t let you sit in your wounded-ness, won’t let you ask the wrong questions, and won’t let you rehearse your pain.

Don’t have an excellent therapist? I volunteer. I’d love to help. Get on my call schedule and let’s get started. I’ll let you know exactly how this works.

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